Gentle Parenting

How about some common sense parenting?

Funnily enough mine thrived on a very similar diet stansgran and like yours don't seem to have suffered unduly! The grandchildren are all much more of a challenge to feed, they alternate between pickiness and acting like the diet police - they learn so much about healthy eating these days

An 18 month old child is not capable of making decisions about what to have for his tea . I have 3 GC aged 5 8 &9 and of course at that age they are capable of having a little input although its not something I would have done when my children were young , there were two options- eat it or leave it . I just didn`t have the time or energy to mess about . All this helicopter parenting sounds exhausting .

I run out of ideas for tea for the DGC ( picky little eaters) and if I were in the supermarket I may well ask them for ( reasonable) input. Mine were brought up on spaghetti hoops and baked beans and other rubbish. They also have beautiful teeth,skin,good health and good jobs so it can't have been all bad.

Just reading about this kind of parenting is exhausting. Parents need their own time after children in bed. To rest and have some enjoyment. Recovery time. When else can you have a row in private!

*f77ms", my daughter has asked her daughter what she wants to eat from about the age of 3. They had pictures of healthy foods on their patio doors along with foods they can eat a couple of days a week and occasional treats all put into different sections. As my DC has always found it difficult to manage what she wants to eat getting quite anxious about it, she decided she wanted to teach her daughter about healthy options and get her used to thinking about what she wanted to eat...after all, even in this day and age, it is often the woman who has to think about what to have for tea. Obviously, she steers her towards foods they have available but it seems to work for them.

Lots of wise words here. Can only say that I agree with those who reckon today's children are over-parented. Encouraging children to develop independence and self-reliance is to be applauded although obviously there must be safety standards. As for bedtime, stand for no nonsense - set the routine at a very young age and stick to it, barring illness.

The three day nanny is really good for struggling parents . As was the Jo Frost series .
I heard a Mum in the supermarket asking her 18 month old what he wanted for his tea the other day !! I couldn`t believe my ears .

I've only seen one episode of Three Day Nanny (while babysitting the dgc one evening) and like a few others have said, I would recommend it to both struggling parents and grandparents. I was impressed, and have even succesfully put one technique into practice. The mother was unable to get on with any chores as 100% of her time was taken up by the children's demands for her attention or her (futile) attempts to control them, telling them to stop doing something, or sorting out their squabbles. Nanny insisted that this micro-managing was way over the top and ultimately unnecessary, and that the children would soon sort out their own squabbles if they knew that Mummy wasn't going to intervene. My first thought was ok, but what if hitting is involved. We soon saw the answer when one of the children hit out at another - ignore it (within reasonable limits, presumably!)

Getting one of the children to stay in her own bed was sorted out in a similar way, and there was a very amusing moment when her older brother, who shared the bedroom, lectured her on her crying. His words had a much greater effect on her than those of a parent ever could.

All I can say is that I've tried some of this out on my rather challenging dgc ( 3.6 and 5.1 yrs old) this summer and it has worked! Once I stopped marshalling their behaviour, they soon worked things out between themselves, and i have actually enjoyed looking after them, something that hasn't been the case for a long time. Now all I need to do is get their parents to watch the programme and take on board some of the techniques.

I would just bite my tongue and let her k
Know you are there if she needs you

Best thing is to bitell your tongue and be there if she needs you

Sorry JUd I didn`t mean she was a lazy parent I meant it is lazy parenting in the fact that you don`t challenge behaviour that is not in the childs best interest ie clinginess and tantrums. 3-4 hours for a bedtime routine ! seems excessive as if she can`t say no to their demands , which I know is hard to do . Only my opinion of course but sometimes you just have to say enough is enough to small children because they will wring you dry if you don`t . I say this from experience of 4 close together with NO help whatsoever from OH . They have turned out OK as do most children .

f77ms my daughter certainly isn't being a 'lazy parent'! She is run ragged giving her 3 so much high quality attention 24 hours a day. She does apply discipline but in a very child centred way. Her eldest who is nearly 8 is a real high flier at school due largely to the amount of attention and encouragement she was given. She is also a lovely outgoing child. The problems started with the arrival of little brother, now 3, and baby sister, now 14 months. DD wants to give them the same undiluted attention and it is exhausting her. She is a brilliant mummy but needs to recognise that she doesn't have to be that at all hours of the day and night. There seems to be an expectation now that good parenting is this.
BTW her DH is very hands on and helps out when he can, so she isn't alone. But he works freelance and is away working a lot.

Manxgirl does your daughter think you are being critical of her methods ? It does sound as if she needs some well meaning advice as you say the children are clingy and prone to tantrums . I was quite a soft Mum I think but bedtime was at 8 , no getting up or attention after this time unless they were ill . No negotiations about food etc . I do notice this trend of letting young children call the shots , I don`t think it is good for them and it is quite lazy parenting in my (humble) opinion and going for the easy option .

Whatever happened to teaching kids to self soothe and to entertain themselves once in a while, so their mother can take a break? What's wrong with teaching them to be independent and resourceful adults? When or how can they learn to solve problems and face challenges if someone is always on hand to solve problems for them? ....and dare I mention coping with failure, when everyone gets a prize just for showing up? If there is a forgotten lunch or history book, a parent will even take time off from work to deliver their 'buttercup's' forgotten item. Homework is another story...don't even get me started there...and then of course the endless bedtime routines, sharing parent's bed etc. etc. It's called 'helicopter' parenting and even my own grandchildren are victims of this heinous practice. Likely my own children are compensating because they were raised by hubby and me which is tantamount to being raised by very kind,loving, but no nonsense, disciplining wolves. Having said that, all three are high achievers, very successful, well adjusted adults, so I guess we did something right. My grandchildren will have to learn the hard way, as I must bite my tongue. Thankfully, I can vent through this forum, so excuse my rant, and thanks for listening.

I must admit that I had never heard of gentle parenting! I think there are benefits although I do think some parents take negotiating too far ; at an airport recently the queue to get through security was held up while a mother tried to persuade her child ( aged about 5) to go through . I do agree with other posters about not saying anything to your DD, just be there to help.

Just playing Devil's Advocate and thinking out loud... but isn't there something of a mirror image going on here?

So, a parent isn't 'acting the adult'/imposing boundaries/behaving in what some might think of as the ultimate, sustainable best interests of both herself and her children - and yet the general advice seems to be that the grandparent should adopt the same approach. Which is to accept the status quo, as demanded by two generations of children!

I am completely NOT in favour of returning blindly to the child-rearing values of the past, some of which were downright cruel and caused untold misery. Neither do I believe that advice should be flung out insensitively at every opportunity, or that an older generation has automatic authority by dint of age.

However, we do seem to have got ourselves into a situation as a society where common sense dare not be spoken now by two generations, for fear of causing offence. I think we'd probably all benefit if the pendulum could gently swing back a little and steady itself somewhere in the middle ground.

How old are the children?
Parenting can be exhausting, however, the golden rule is to teach them independence.
If they are young children, get them in bed early, a mother needs rest too in order to feel good and be ready for the next day.
Hope it works out!

Personally I wouldn't interfere. She has her own way of doing things and when they go to school things will change I am sure.

Not all young parents are the same though. My DIL is very hands on, but strict too. This is a snippet of a converation I heard between her and my son the other day:

Son "he's a great kid, we'll be best mates soon"
DIL " no you won't! You're the parent. You'll have plenty of time to be his mate when he's grown up and knows how to behave"

I had to laugh .

Sorry Nelliemoser I meant that maybe my DD would feel a bit lonely in the evenings as her partner works away and therefore maybe more be more inclined to prolong the bedtime routine with her little girl.Not the baby ,but my post probably wasn't very clear!Anyway as she's only a week old there's a way to go yet.
However as DD was brought up with a dog or two always in the house,much loved but not allowed up on the sofas and now has her own dog who has his own throw on the sofa,yet is very well behaved I shall respect her decisions on parenting.

Different generations usually do things differently and I can't help thinking that child-centred rearing is just so much better for children when done properly. Getting children to help make decisions allows children to negotiate, express their feelings, etc. It may be a harder path to start with but should equip them for life. Kids generally give up wanting to sleep with parents and being clingy sooner or later; it sounds like your daughter is being the best one available and it may be supporting her by learning about the new methods or talking to her about what her philosophy is about what she does may help you understand her and even get her looking at whether everything she does is in her children's best interests. I have been amazed at how much more secure my GC are in the long run than I was at that age even though I was brought up to be independent.

Ha ha I love all these comments about what we used to do and it worked - bedtime was bedtime - no arguments . One of my sons really loved his bed - he told me so - he was so tired out after a day of playing outside or busy in the house "helping" with activities that he used to ask to go to bed sometimes. in the 60's and 70's I didn't seem to have all these problems with my four boys going to bed or picking up their toys or sitting at the table until we had all finished. Many lovely chats we all had round the table at mealtimes. . Then it was all hands to and clear away / wash up or put in dish washer later. We did things together all the time - hoovering, baking, playing, shopping. P,lease may I leave the table was expected and only if they had eaten all their food - none of this sloping off to play with a toy mid meal !! They were all part of the family team but knew who was in charge and where the boundaries were. Respect for your parents seems to be gone. My family wouldn't have dreamy of saying no to anything we asked Of them - they might try to make a convincing argument but that's different. I think they grew up to be caring and considerate team players always willing to help others and they can all cook!!

I think the only thing you can do is leave them to do what they wish in THEIR home.
However offer to have the children to give them a break ,be that for a few hours or occasionally overnight. Whilst the children are with you you instill YOUR rules/standards.Children are very savvy and will eventually tow the line. I would then gently mention the positive experiences/habits experienced whilst children with you. Over time they may begin to ask themselves questions as to why children behave differently with you. As an experienced Health Visitor I always look first to the caregiver if i Child is exhibiting unwanted behaviors. Good luck

My DS and DiL both work and both share equally looking after the house and their 2 young children. They have a good mix of fun and rules and the children are generally well behaved. But the bedtime ritual is so time consuming that DiL never comes back from the bedroom. I mean.....never. Whether there are guests or they are on their own. DS sometimes says to me how much he misses the time they should spend together in the evenings. Instead he spends every evening on his own with DiL asleep in bed by 9pm. This has been going on for over 6 years and I know there have been many upsets about it. It seems a sad sacrifice. I listen sympathetically but never comment except perhaps to say things will change in time.
My other gripe is the excessive praise given to the children for the tiniest thing they do! But they are good children so it must work for them!
But I would never say

Starsgran you sound like you've got it sorted especially when it comes to food.

My DD has just the one - my lovely GS aged 6, he has his moments, no little angel but still a lovely boy with boundaries, he is not very demanding & plays well on his own. He also has lovely manners as neither parent will tolerate a rude child.

I don't always agree entirely with the way my DD brings him up but I never interfere - things change - ideas change

Good luck to all you lovely GMs out there & hope all works well with your DC & DGC