How to tell my Daughter

I would be very careful of your facts especially if it's a child who has told you as people often shoot the messenger . You will be putting your own relationship in jeopardy .

Thanks thats exactly what i was worried about but still dont know what to do.

Surely she can see that for herself or does he only do it when she isn't there?
How old are the boys? Have you seen it for yourself?

If you are present when something mean is happening, then you might be able to show you are aware by pleasantly weaving in a comment at the time.

While I can see that the difficulties flagged up by other posters on this thread are real: that a child might not be a reliable witness and that revelations might cause difficluties with a relationship, nevertheless, you cannot do nothing as a child could be suffering from bullying.

Firstly, you need to verify the claim that the two boys are intimidating the other child egged on or condoned by the father. Make some indirect inquiries of others who know the family. Then decide how to proceed if you still think the bullying is occurring.Can you get one of your daughter's friends to say a word? Has she a sibling who could intervene tactfully? In the end, if there is no alternative, you will have to say something yourself. Rehearse some non-inflammmatory ways of breaking the news or asking questions.

Preface the talk with some emolient phrase saying you are sure you are wrong but you know that if your daughter had any inkling of her children being unhappy she'd be angry if she were not allowed to deal with it. Put the ball in her court as she should not be angry at a well meant gesture if she is a caring mother. Of course, she will be upset as she is going to have to choose between her husband and her child so you need to deflect that anger onto the right object.

Good post lilyflower

Thank you for your advice I have not seen it myself but am aware he treats the oldest differently. My daughter works weekends so presume this could be when it happens. I dont want to interigate the boys as im worried if thier father finds out he could make it worse or even do it more secretly and threaten him if he tells. I have a good relationshp with my daughter but am still scared if she choose to beleive her partner then he could be good for a while but worse in the long term. This is so hard whoever speaks to her im worried it wont actually make it better. I know i have to do something probaly hoping for the magic answer. Thanks all again

Lots of good advise but I know if it were my daughter she would listen to me without judging me or falling out with me. There has been many times I've felt it was my duty to pass comment on certain things. Why don't you have the children when your daughter is working and maybe you can see for yourself how they interact together, then that gives you more substance to be in a position to bring the subject up.

I think Tessa's idea is a good one - maybe if possible offer to have them for a weekend (without parents) that way if there is friction between the children you will certain be able to see what's going on. Whether or not the father of the boys encourages it is another matter for verifying yourself - that's not going to be easy but depending on the age of the boys, you could - if you see them doing something not acceptable, say something like "if your Dad saw you doing this, what would he say" Maybe their answer might give you a clue.....

Is it possible for you to have your grand son, some weekends on his own, so he has a bit more time on his own with you, and without the others? You say you have seen nothing yourself but are aware it goes on........how are you aware?

If you daughter has made previous bad choices in men (she must have had the ones I didn't pick) how did the boy cope then? Maybe he feels insecure, and needs help to cope all round and not just with this issue.

Blended families are the norm now but that doesn't mean they come together seamlessly, they can be really hard work and I guess the other kids involved have their own views and issues too.

It might help if you could have your grandson, so the other boys don't feel they are competing with him for their dad's time at the weekends (I am assuming they live with their mother) if your grandson feels miserable, he may be extra sensitive and subjected to a different style of parenting.........the permutations are endless.

All very well for modern relationships to be about adult happiness but so often the poor kids are trapped in the middle and just waiting for the repeat performance of what happened last time.

I wish you luck with this one, it is so hard to help them.

Radicalnan good post .