Ailing mother in law/end of life decisions

Katek, when my husband died our sons took over and arranged the funeral. We knew he wanted to be cremated. So various members of the family, including grandaughters, spoke about him. It was definitely not impersonal.
We were given a certain length of time, but as one son was still talking, the funeral director just let him carry on. The director said afterwards that it was very good, listening to what my husband had been like, and what the family thought about him. We thought that it might be strange not having any religious content, but he said if that was what was wanted, it was okay. He enjoyed it and so did the family.
My husband was an architect, and had actually designed a crematorium chapel but not the one he was cremated in.

Katek, I think crematorium services can seem a bit impersonal - probably because the buildings themselves are purposely 'bland' so as not to be seen to have any agenda. However, families can do a lot to counteract this. OH was at a funeral of a close friend last month who had died far too young. It had been carefully planned by everyone to beautifully reflect the deceased's life and loves. It was a humanist ceremony that was full of short yet apposite readings and musical extracts that seemed perfectly suited to this lovely man.

On the other hand at the funeral of a very elderly family member who had been suffering from dementia, we all came away feeling rather flat. We tried our best to inject something of the man he had been but most of his contempories had died and his illness had 'lost' him to us several years before. We had mourned his passing well before he had actually died and it on these occasions that the funeral can seem a very sad and inadequate affair.

Its always best to try to remember the person when they were full of life and to think of them fondly that way.

You are so right Katek. However the funeral is another step along the way isn't it? My DF lived for another 10 years after DM died and we never thought he would survive without her but he did. It sounds as if you have all the right support services in place, Dad's cleaner and gardener also became friends. Does he have an alarm necklace and key box outside? They are so reassuring when somebody lives alone and the ambulance men were great about getting Dad up when he fell and not insisting on taking him to hospital if he didn't need it. Good luck to you and

That's the funeral over, not as bad as I'd feared bit obviously still difficult for family. I don't like crematorium services anyway, I find them very rushed and impersonal. No hymns and only one verse of a lovely Robert Burn's song (Ae Fond Kiss) for reflection, and that was after we'd had to wait round the corner for previous service to end. Give me a church service any day. We did that for my father and then held private family cremation service afterwards. Poor FIL thinks that the hard bit is over but I think not.

Fortunately my SIL stays only 5 minutes from her father so can manage to pop in every day. I know it's not the same as MIL being there, but it's a bit if reassurance for him that he's not been forgotten. We're working on a phone call rota as well so he will have contact with a family member most days. I'm also planning to set up Skype on his ipad (yes, he's 87 with an ipad and shops online!!)so he can see people as well. He's also still driving - not that we're entirely happy with that - so he can go for his paper, shopping and medical appointments. He also has a cleaner twice a week and she has become something of a friend, someone he trusts. She went above and beyond to help when MIL was unwell....changing beds, preparing veg etc. She's been a star. We're hoping that all these interventions will make life at least tolerable for him.

Funeral is on Friday....a sad day.

Katek, after my husband died, my youngest son took a week off work to be with me and help, then another and another. He couldn't stand the idea of me being on my own, or the thought of all the questions when he went back to work.
Is there anyone who can help ease your dad into his different life? Even after 2.5 years, it's still difficult and lonely having nobody to listen to you when you want to say something.
Yes, he will eventually adapt, and nobody can shield him all the time, but at least for a couple of weeks, or even months?

You are right - it is a strange time when everyone is so busy sorting things out, and members of the family are getting together as they may not have done before. But you are alos right that FIL will find it hard when he has to slot into a new way of life. My Dad found it hard when Mum died as he had spent over a year visiting her in her residential home for most of every day and having his meals there - so returning to life in an empty house was doubly lonely for him.

But he did adapt - and enjoyed the TV and short walks each day.

A time as you say of sadness and relief. I do hope that funeral goes smoothly and is a comfort to everyone.

Thank you all so very, very much for the kind wishes and messages of support. MIL's cremation is next Friday and FIL (87) is coping remarkably well. I think because she had been in hospital so much he's had to learn to do stuff in the house, prepare food etc and find things to do to occupy his time. He's been keeping busy with all the arrangements, returning wheelchairs and other aids and organising his repeat prescription!(a small carrier bagful!!) He's happily ensconced at the moment with the remote control and football on Sky. The danger time will be after this coming week when everyone has gone home and life returns to a new normal for him. It's been a very odd and surreal week with almost an air of gaiety pervading the atmosphere. I can only presume it's a release of the past 18 months of tension. DH is alright in the main but sometimes it catches him unawares and then he has a little tear. Such a sad time, yet such a relief she's no longer suffering.

katek, my condolences, but also glad that the end was peaceful.

Sending my condolences katek.

What a relief that she had a peaceful end.

I too am glad to hear that all was peaceful at the end, Kate. I know you will still have a lot to cope with, but you can be reassured in your mind that you did all you could. May you have the peace of mind you so deserve.

Katek, my condolences to you and your family.

Been too busy to visit GN recently so only just seen this thread. All I can do is give you my condolences Kate and to FiL too.

Kate

Condolences to you and your family, KateK