Changing Needs

Hmm well with me being 55 and my hubby 76 (12 heart attacks, 4 of them arrests and by pass surgery, his legs have almost gone/and C.O.P.D ) then the answer for me is YES!!!! lol....lol but we still laugh []
hope you have better luck

My situation is a bit different - anyone out there in a similar position?
Married over 20 years , divorced many years ago. A good long-term relationship, which eventually became boring, ended when he thought the solution was a proposal. Now, although I enjoy the company of men, I enjoy my independence too much to give it up. The thought of cooking and washing for someone else, the necessary compromises and the sharing of my bed is just too unpleasant a prospect to contemplate! I know this sounds totally selfish but no-one is suffering by my decisions. Short of falling head-over-heels in love and chucking out all of these ideas I think I'm on my own but with lots of time for my family.
So - am I alone in my opinions or is there is there someone on the site who agrees?

I know women who have been married three times (or more) couldn't be bothered personally and must admit to being rather envious at times, of my 'single' friends! However I've been married 44 years so...on we plod and make the most of knowing each other inside out and taking each other for granted too often! (him especially....of course.....;).
Sex....I think it totally depends on the couple, if both are able and agreeable why-ever not?

I was married briefly at 19, divorced at 24 and waited another 20 years before I thought about marrying again. One of the problems of marrying later in life is that you aren't the rampant young things you once were and health issues can affect the physical side of a relationship. The first few years of my second marriage were quite 'busy' in the bedroom but in recent times he's had problems and the physical side has diminished. I am very sad about it but we hope its just a temporary blip. But the thought that maybe that side of our relationship might be over was very distressing. I know lots of couples have seperate rooms and claim it makes no difference to their private relationship but I can't quite believe it. I hope it isn't inevitable that our sex life is almost over...if it is I'll feel quite cheated.

I understand your feelings completely Mollie. I think the end of a sexual relationship could have a really bad effect on a relationship if one partner still needs that aspect of the relationship and one doesn't, or perhaps isn't physically able.
I can also understand the decisions of others about being happy on their own and not wishing to compromise that happiness by involving a man. I am woried that the end of a sexual relationship for me would perhaps make me feel resentful of my husband.

em - I only wish a lot of younger women would take your views. Too many think that happiness is only obtainable with a man in their lives (even when he could be abusive). They never take time out to understand or find out about themselves and when you have responsibilities that take total control over your life, it is almost impossible to become your own person.

Good point, lionlilac ... I've watched young women go from relationship to relationship without a pause and felt it was wrong not to have some time out between...I wouldn't advocate 20 years necessarily(!!!) but I wanted to raise my kids first. It might have been a lonely time for me (and hard work being a single parent) but I felt I owed the kids my full attention and I do believe I learned a lot about myself in the meantime...didn't stop me acting like a giddy teenager when I did start to date again but that's another story!!!

What sex life? Once the kids were born ours just sort of petered out. I'm interested but he's just not. He says he's 'tired' and genuinely I believe it's not about me but just about him feeling old.

I did hope as they grew up things would improve but they haven't yet.

Makes me sad but the rest of the relationship is great so I guess it's just tough.

Even a year out can make a difference. I lasted about 18 months. Would love to hear 'another story'.

This is a bit naughty, but do you think it is being unfaithful if you take on a lover if the bedroom dept has closed down. Not that I would, but could understand if others did.

WelI, I have thought about the lover option, but if you still love your partner then I don't think the lover would actually fill the void, so to speak.
I already feel a little unloved by my partner because sex doesn't seem so important to him, he says he doesn't really think about it that much. This makes me feel really sad and rejected, after raising a family and working hard I thought this would be our time and we would have the opportunity to enjoy ourselves. Life is good for us, but the infrequent sex can be a source of conflict. I guess I am just disappointed things haven't turned out as I hoped in the bedroom department.

I wondered about that as a general idea and can understand why men go off looking for sex when their partner goes off the whole thing. For me sex is about a relationship and I know my OH is loving in so many other ways that going elsewhere just for sex would be a betrayal. And I'm a totally faithful sort...

It's interesting that so many men have gone off the idea, isn't it. Can I make a point about the male menopause - it really does exist and I know someone who was sent to have his hormone level checked and discovered it was almost on empty! Now he's on HRT and things are, how shall I say, er, looking up!!!! Apparently it's fairly common but few people know what to look for...I think it's called andropause...

Men are such delicate little things..if they go through a patch where they feel their 'abilities' might fall short some find it easier to pretend they are not that fussed. If as in my case there is a bit of an age diff.....he is nine years older than me...whilst I was going through a slightly early menopause and dealing with my Mum's very unexpected death I needed a lot more affection but he could not separate a good hug from the whole loving making show so because he felt he just might 'let me down' he was doing everything not to initiate or reciprocate. So I thought he was being cold and aloof and got upset and that led to me being all cold and aloof!.......the result could have been dire but luckily something happened to break through what was heading to be a rather sad state of affairs. And the moral is...........do try to talk to each other....on neutral ground, perhaps with professional help, dont try to out sulk each other or hurl accusations like....'You just dont love me'!

Ahhh! An affair or male interest. In my dreams!!. But I do think it's nice to have male friends aswell as female. It surely must give us greying ageing grandmothers a little boost but where to find one who is not ancient? I seem to attract men decades older than me (on the rare occasion I go to a conference with my husband for instance).
I think men in their 60s have terrible hangups about sex. They fear losing it and therefore simply HAVE to look at ridiculously young girls who wouldn't look twice at them.It's all rather pathetic but I honestly don't think men in their 60s can help it!
Apparently older women are thought to be the thing (Helen Mirren effect) nowadays but clearly 60 yr old men don't find 80 yr old or even 70 yr old let alone 60yr old women attractive so it must be men in their 30s and 40s maybe. Anyway I am happily married (for ages) but a mild flirtation wouldn't go a miss for lifting my mood. But as I said..in my dreams!

I think I'd quite like a toyboy actually

Wow! Hasn't this become interesting.
After 20+ years then meltdown and divorce I thought my kids would be my only focus. However within a year I was in a new relationship and thriving. Both mid-forties and having survived fading love-lives. separation, stress and divorce - it was like rediscovering the joys of being teenagers!! Add in holidays abroad and weekends away and it was super. But reality kicked in and 10 years later it was back to square one. Routine, habit, boredom. This time I did not accept the proposal and, with some difficulty, ended it. I have also tried to tell my daughters that being 'alone' has huge advantages and it is not necessary to rush from one relationship to the next. Don't think I have space in my life for a man - especially one who is looking for an exact replacement for a wife lost to divorce or death. Went out with one guy who said quite clearly that he missed coming home after golf to find that dinner was not waiting there on the table! I have no ambition to become a domestic goddess at this stage in my life and relish my freedom.

Yes I can understand how you feel em. I think the idea of having a new man is better than reality as all they really want at the end of the day, after the flurry of sexual activity, weekends away, fun, laughter, new romance etc etc are home comforts and the good bits they shared with the previous partner/ wife. I know there are many many successful second third and fourth marriages on the go but somehow I don't think I would be able to compromise again after being married for so long. What I would like is a male friend who found me incredibly attractive didn't make any demands on me and was willing to do everything I wanted with some interesting suggestions thrown in ! Ha! These men don't exist. Only in my dreams.
PS I love all my female freinds and my husband but the odd man around apart from hubby and females wouldn't go amiss (so long as he was perfect!)

Yes, Yes, I can see where you are all coming from but the fact is that when one partners sexual needs are not being fulfilled by the other all sorts of resentments start to creep into the relationship. Things are compounded when one partner want's to talk about the problem and the other doesn't really see there is a problem.
I feel so hurt by my husband, I can't understand why he doesn't need the closeness with me that I need with him. I actually don't feel I want him physically anymore now because this has been going on so long. But I feel trapped, I have spent 39 years giving and nurturing this family to ensure it survives. I have supported my husband and given up so much, I now feel used and betrayed. I feel old and unloved.

Was with ex-hubby for 27 years, sex life (I thought) was perfect so did all the other women he slept with, was totally ignorant of that fact until after divorce. Was with him from age 17 only man I was ever with, could never see me with another man sexually. But at 46 met my soulmate (who I knew 25 years as a friend) now just 50 our sex life nearly 4 years on is amazing, but our bed is also for talking for hours tru the nite and I regard it as one of my safe havens. Not so safe when my 5 year old gs wanted to know why we had no jammies last sat mornhttp://www.gransnet.com/te/8.gif

Oh truebluebabe, I am sorry and I do understand how you feel. When things were strained with my OH I began to feel like just a housekeeper, nothing else. Took the shine off of everything. Luckily he does understand and we have sorted things out - not perfect but better. I wish I could say something that would really help the two of you but it seems to me that you must know if there is any chance you can persuade your husband to see how you feel. If you can't then you'll have to find another way to feel nurtured and loved ... not saying look for a toyboy (might be fun, eh???) but it's that old message of being good to yourself and giving yourself what you need...

Sorry, probably sounds like I'm wittering on...

I have been married for 43 years and known my DH since I was 17. I could never find anything to complain about, if you had to compile the perfect man it is him. He was a new man in the sixties, nappy washing bottle making etc. When we were in our forties he had to work away from home and that lasted 16 years until his retirement. Not ideal living apart and only seeing each other on a weekend but it does spice up your weekends. You find you have more to talk about and enjoy each others company.

lol just one word!! (well 2 actauly) []

" Anne Summers " !

Em, your situation mirrors mine. I'm now very happily on my own, recently retired and about to start looking after my grandchild on a part time basis when his mum goes back to work.

But. And it's quite a big but, I was this week thinking that I probably now will never be the object of a man's total, unconditional love. I'm very aware that neither husband nor long term lover were able to give me that. And now that I've thought about it, it's stayed with me (especially after a glass or two), and although I'm not stressing about it, I have wondered what it would have been like. Of course, the other side of this coin is that maybe I'm not the kind of woman who is particularly 'lovable', and in fact I am happier on my own. Mind you, without said husband, I wouldn't have my two most marvelous daughters, and now wonderful grandson.

My sensible head tells me that I'm very fortunate and to count my blessings.

Nothing wrong with a bit of 'what if' fantasy...its jolly healthy and keeps us sane. Am pretty sure you are perfectly lovable..the only critea needed is to be able to love. But to have the wisdom to accept what life has given you is a wonderful gift.

Carry on living your life, enjoy your friends and family and you just never know..........!

And please remember many of us out here might have a husband or partner who appears to be pretty near perfect but its not always quite what it seems. My husband is a dear kind man but I know that he and I are not always quite as emotionally sound as we could be. But I am ok with that. I have chosen to make the odd compromise because that is what I want.Perhaps I have watched too many episodes of Sex in the City and just perhaps I have thought that there is 'The One' still out there but I am a simple practical person and have chosen to settle because I know that compared to both my wonderful Mother and remarkable Grandmother I eventually found a man who has tried very hard to be a loving and supportive husband.