Downsizing/moving when husband won't face aging practicalities

"this"

wilygran, I am in a similar situation, made even more difficult as we cannot even decide whether to come back to England or stay where we are in the States. We have been going round in circles discussing ths and viewing properties for two years! If we ever make a decision I'll let you know. Watch this space!

My mother and stepfather were only in their 70s when they moved from a big 4-bed house into a flat with a warden and links to a careline in every room. They did this before they got too old to make the move, she said. She is now 97 and is still able to look after herself in the place most of the time. She definitely made the right decision, that has been her home for so long it is right for her.

I agree, Wilygran, that we will have to move eventually, whether we can sell our cottage or not. I just hope that the property market here will change before we have no choice. It is not that we want to make money on the cottage but the estate agent who I contacted wasn't interested in even putting it n the market. New houses here are going for 35,000 euros so no one is interested in a cottage which is well over 100 years old, even with 2.5 acres.!

Reading the posts it seems there are lots of us in the same boat. Violette we have same problem.

Hello Wily gran. . I have the same problem. My hubs has multiple health problems, poor mobility, arthritis, he gets very downhearted. I suggested we move but his answer was the only place to move into is a retirement apartment. No point whatsoever moving to another house, flat or bungalow because there will still be lots of maintenance to do, which he can't do anymore. Also, he is not capable to help clear the house out of excess furniture etc. So, we plod on and he struggles to get up stairs etc. I think the next plan of action is to try and get a chair lift fitted. Can't see us as a pair ever changing our house.

When my parents were in their late seventies I suggested that they should move house and come and live in our village while they were still fit. They had already spent a lot of time in our house, cat-sitting while we were away on holiday and loved the village. There were a lot of new houses being built, but my father wouldn't hear of moving, even though their house was in need of a great deal of work and had no central heating as my father refused to have it. My Mum would have liked to move. Then my father suddenly had a stroke and died at the age of 81, and almost immediately, my Mum said she would like to move, so we found her a small, new house not far from ours and she moved in and was very happy, taking part in the village activities and helping to look after our daughter, who arrived just after she moved. She never regretted downsizing! The irony is that, shortly before he died, my father said to a neighbour that they were going to move to be near us, but he never mentioned it to my Mum! If my father had only given in sooner they could have moved together and maybe he could have lived longer in a more comfortable house and met his grand-daughter. Go for it!

I know how you feel! My DH has a progressive condition, which affects him both physically and mentally. In theory, he agreed that we should move to a bungalow, but he dreaded the upheaval. We were galvanised when we had the opportunity to buy a new build bungalow, (these are rarely built nowadays ), off plan. We agreed that it would be easy to heat, and reasonably maintenance free in the future. We sold our house quickly, and have had to move to a rental property. The speed at which this all happened was overwhelming, and I had to handle everything myself. It was a learning curve! DH is finding the waiting very unsettling, and holds me responsible. However, we will be nearer family and friends, and now that I can't leave him for so long on his own, this will be easier, and closer for people to visit us. We do all have to consider the future, and, as has been said, sooner rather than later. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it was the right decision!

I went through this process with my late DH - we both realised that our large 4 bedroom house with large garden was getting more difficult to look after. Although I am 14 years than DH we both had health problems so we put the house on the market "to test the water", we had already decided on area we wanted somewhere between his daughter & mine & their families. I had researched prices on Rightmove so I had a good idea what was on offer.

House went on the market at top valuation & within a week we had 4 viewings & 1 offer. Sale went through in 7 weeks although we accepted lower offer but still a good price. Meantime we had found our new home - so it was pack, dispose of furniture & "junk", arrange removal & storage for 1 week, rented a holiday flat near where we were moving to. Stressful but great it all happened so quickly.

Sadly after a year my late DH was taken into Hospital & then transfered to a Nursing home (he never returned home).

I waited approx 1 year & then put our property on the market so I could move nearer my daughter - took 14 months to sell then I had to put everything in storage whilst I looked for some where suitable. Found a lovely property on the edge of a small town, Post Office/General Store at the end of road, bus service to larger towns. Lovely small town with everything I need.

After a stressful time I love this hopefully "forever home" - a Park Home so no stairs, small garden (no lawn) but large enough to plant some lovely plants & shrubs plus room for all my beloved pots.

Everyones situation is different but thank goodness we downsized together as I don't know if I could have coped with selling large house & sorting everything out.

Wilygran I hope you make the right decision - plant the seeds in your DH mind & let him ponder over a possible move, you may be surprised

Sorry it's such a long post

Great post ...exactly my situation. Husband is 15 years older than me ....at 83, having had two mini strokes, and now poor eyesightm and on going vasculair problems ....he agrees a move from our present 3 bed bungalow (we moved from a large house to here to make things easier)...as the garden and the maintenance is too difficult for him now, although he refuses to let me get anyone in to help and insists on climbing ladders. He can no longer drive (although he insists he can, and will if I am not looking !) ...he is getting a bit shaky with walking as well, and not much use in his left hand anymore. However, as someone else on here said, he absolutely refuses to ever part with anything ...he took all his furniture, at vast expense, from Bexleyheath where he lived with his late wife, to Menorca, costing thousands, then to Brittany costing just as much ....then down here ! the cost of moving it all would have covered completely new stuff ! He has ancient tools, including a large work bench, many ladders, a shed full of stuff, a workshop full of stuff ...he insists would have to go with us ....how do you fit all that into a small retirement flat with 2 bedrooms, just one large lounge, and maybe a balcony ? Answer ...you don't, so here we stay until he decided either to let me get someone to do the garden, the maintenance etc ...but then we still have the problem of the distance to the local village ...too far to walk (although my doctor is nagging me to walk for exercise ! ...I do it sometimes ....then have to stop for a coffee which probably defeats the object of the exercise !)

Another problem here, is like the lady in Ireland ...nothing but nothing is selling ! and with the uncertainty surrounding BREXIT there are a lot of houses owned by ex pats on the market ....and if they sell, they are only selling for a lot less than people paid for them. Even our French neighbour who is trying to re locate has been on the market for 18 months with not even a viewing ! The only option appears to be to rent this one out, and rent a small apartment ...another option my husband refuses to consider ! I think we will both be here until the weeds overtake and the cobwebs engulf us ! Problem !

I have a similar problem, my partner is now blind and refuses all help. My own health is not good either. To persuade a man to admit any fraility is hard to do. I am still working on it but not yet found an answer. Its a man thing.

This is such an interesting subject and all the comments are very helpful indeed.
I am in a similar situation and can sympathise.
My problem is that neither of us want to discuss moving as we love our home so much, it is just so hard to maintain and costly to have people to do it for us.
We could also release a lot of equity but I don't think it will ever happen through choice
The best of luck to you wilygran and anyone else having the same dilemma. It certainly helps to share the problem and know you are not alone.

Hi wilygran
sounds like you are coping with a lot. I help people move home for a living and have a few further suggestions (in addition to the excellent ones already posted). There can be lots of negatives about having to leave a home one has been in for many years so I try always to see if there are some positive things that might act as a carrot! For example what would your husband really like to do that he can't do now? One couple we helped move home and for the first time in many years the husband was able to leave his home and go to the local pub where he joined the Darts team. He has begun to make new friends and life is so much better for both.
I think the other aspect is that we all have fears about the unknown - I wonder what your husbands are? Can you have a relaxed conversation and let him know what yours are - to encourage him to talk a bit more? Maybe then you can find a resolution?
Finally by way of encouragement, in a decade of helping people downsize the overwhelming majority have said two things - "I have a great sense of relief now I have moved" and "I wish I had done it sooner". Yes, it is hard and stressful but worth it. I hope you manage to persuade him and wish you the best of luck.

How i cam emphathise with Wilygran, having been in exactly the same situation, except my dh is 15 years older than me, (I am 74 ). I was finding him increasingly difficult to cope with, following two strokes which have severely impaired his balance and mobility. I desperately wanted to relocate to be nearer my family, who are very suportive but 150 miles away! DH is a Londoner thru and thru and would not even discuss moving, until i had an accident and injured my back. This has restricted what i can do, especially when it comes to physically helping him. I can no longer bend or stretch easily without severe pain, and i definitely cannot lift anything heavier that a cup and saucer! This really has been a revelation to him, and as it is affecting his own quality of life now, he has agreed it is a good idea to be nearer help and support when we need it.!,! We are in the process of selling this house in Kent and buying a new build bungalow in Lincolnshire, so don't give up, if i can make it happen, anyone can!

I am not suggesting you have an accident, i would not wish my injury ion my worst enemy, but have you tried appealing to his better nature and telling him you simply cannot cope? Maybe if you stop coping so well, it will open his eyes and make him change his mind. Have you got any family or close friends who could maybe back up your argument, in a subtle way?

We've just made the move and although we haven't gone much smaller, as we still wanted the family to be able to stay with us, being a new build the house is more suited to the way we live now. We don't need to do any work or maintenance for a good few years and it is in a location which is walking distance to small town centre with supermarkets and all the other essential services, pubs and coffee shops included. We have the option to add a conservatory and convert the garage in to a downstairs bedroom should we need that in the future. We spent several months thinking and viewing properties and knew this was the right one as soon as we viewed it.

One option is to halve your house if the layout permits, make the upstairs into a separate flat...useful income to be had.....or if you hive a bit off and have a lodger the rent a room scheme allows a really good tax free income.....

I have limited mobility so am happy I no longer have stairs to fall down and get shopping from Tesco delivered...I still drive but if I couldn't, there is one of the ring and ride schemes locally and taxis available.......My garden is too big really but I pay a chap to come and help and gradually am altering the style to be more easy to cope with.

All change is easier managed as a choice rather than an emergency option........

Hi

I'm in a 4 storey house and am preparing to downsize. I know the stairs are keeping me fit but at some stage I won't be able to go up and down 43 stairs. I can remember hearing a cardiologist say keep stairs as long as you can so I'm hoping to move to a two storey house. Selling furniture in the meantime and emptying drawers of less wanted goodies.

An older lady of our acquaintance lost her husband several years ago. He too was a hoarder and it has taken her ages to sort out the house. She's now in a quandary about whether to modernise her house to enable her to stay in it or to sell and move on. It is so hard when memories are tied up with the house.

My own husband has just discovered he has a heart problem and I am wondering if this means that we will have to leave our lovely house before long. It is Georgian with a lot of stairs and so would simply not be practical if he became more unwell. Also we live on a hill - which is why we have wonderful views. Fortunately the garden is manageable.

I'm sure that he would be amenable if I felt I couldn't cope here, but my inclination is to get in help if we need it. In the meantime I'm intending to start to cut down on our possessions (i.e. junk) so that moving will not be so hard if we find it is necessary.

I agree with the poster who suggested that you might already have sown the seed of the idea of moving, and that he could feel differently in a month's time - especially if he then thinks it is his own idea!

Both of us are just turning 60 next year and thankfully we are in tune for the move to an apartment from our bungalow in a few years.In the meantime I am decluttering and downsizing stuff .We are also looking at our options whenever we see an apartment on sale.So good luck to all of us who want to make life simpler and more manageable.

I'm the hombre and held the opposite view. We lived in and loved our previous house number 69 for 34 years after moving there from Mayfair. I'd been wanting to downsize for the last 10 to cash in on ridiculous house price increases and move to somewhere adequate where prices were less. It was not to be as my Darling Wife would not budge. However, a reasonable offer was on the table in May for our 1920's close to supermarkets, shops, station and motorways, etc - so we began looking around. One evening I had been to see a lovely house but in an isolated setting and felt it was all becoming a waste of time, when my wife called and said she'd seen one which was on my route home. I was able to view the 8 year old Scandia Hus build there and then. I loved it, called my wife who arrived there within minutes and although suffering a blinding migraine, liked it enough to say we should make an offer. After the usual haggling, our offer was accepted, we moved in and couldn't have been more happy. Money in the bank to purchase new furniture, greenhouse and garden furniture we've always wanted and to travel. Near a station, buses, shops, pubs, restaurants, superb Chiltern walks, pick your own - in fact absolutely ideal and what's great is that our two year old grandson loves it more than 69. No frequent decorating, well not a long while, and with an 80 EPC and underfloor heating in every room, no worries about bills eating up our pensions. It's been completely well worth the wait so patience between Man and Wife is the key. We wish anyone contemplating downsizing the very best of luck and hope you are as happy as we are now. Oh, one final thing, Springwood, our new home is on a larger plot and has twice the square footage, so our entire family can come and stay with us at last - having so called 'downsized' we are truly spoilt!

My husband suggested we move from our five bed, three storey Georgian house about four years ago (he is ten years older than me and though neither of us had mobility problems he was thinking of the future). We had many friends and belonged to lots of groups and loved having family and friends to stay so my attitude was 'the only way I am leaving is in a wooden overcoat', I even wanted to be buried in my garden when I died. However a couple of years later I came round to thinking that a smaller more modern house might be a good idea and, after a discussion with our son and DIL started to look for places within half an hour of them. We eventually found somewhere which fulfilled all out requirements in North Wales and were able to buy a lovely house, about thirty years old which still has four bedrooms, though they are smaller, with lots of storage, so we didn't have to get rid of everything, has a lovely big conservatory which we live in for most of the year, a smaller garden, is much cheaper to run, fuel bills are less than half they were, was much cheaper so we now have the money to do more, is in a lively small town with a shop, post office, pharmacy, hair dressers, cafe, two pubs, vets and has lots going on. We have soon settled in and, after a year, don't regret our move at all. The house is also such that we could make adaptations and live downstairs should we need to. Yes, it took me a while to come round to it, especially as I've not lived in a more modern house since I was a child but it just takes a bit of time to get used to the idea, for men and women. Maybe finding a few examples and introducing the idea of how much easier life could be and how much money could be saved would help.

This is something that has been worrying me too. Although we can cope well in our house at present, I can foresee the day when we will need to move to something smaller and more convenient. The trouble is, my husband is a hoarder. All cupboards, the spare room and the garage are filled with junk that is of no possible use to us or to anyone else. Every now and again it encroaches on our living space, and when I move it, or even mention it, he becomes very upset - it is the only thing we ever disagree about. He refuses to see that there is a problem, and thinks I'm just being neurotic. I know tidiness is relative, but believe me, I'm not Mrs Houseproud. I'm sure if something happened to me he could eventually become like some of the people on TV programmes about hoarding.

So, downsizing would be a problem, as we would have to take the junk with us (and even if we didn't, a new lot would probably take its place). I've known more than one old person who refused to face up to their future accommodation needs. What usually happens is that some crisis occurs which makes it necessary for them to be re-homed as an emergency, and they end up in accommodation they don't like and would not have chosen. It's a worrying prospect.

Meriel I sympathise. Everyone's situation is different in terms of what the problems are, but the root difficulty is the relationship negotiations! Believe me I have done & got past the stage of practical adjustments to lifestyle, as I've been looking ahead to this point for years, but we simply have to move. It's the strain of the process that is so destructive, of relationship as well. I can remember this with my own mother when she became infirm in the last years of her life. In some ways it's like having to persuade someone to think about a care home. I do not want to end up in that situation with my husband, because eventually I won't be able to care for him in this house.

Someone posted that it might be an idea to not mention it for a while. If he's anything like my husband he'll mull it over and then think it was his idea. Some men don't like to be told, stubborn so and so's.

How about help in the house? This can take many forms - i.e cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, decorating - having people in to help can not only relieve you of much physical effort but cost a lot less than moving house, which is eye wateringly expensive now. Someone else suggested a stair lift - you can also have the new style of lift that goes up from, say, the corner of your dining room into the corner of your bedroom, and is not a glaringly 'obvious' disability aid in the hallway if your husband is very sensitive. There is also a wet room to consider. Additionally, if you tot up the cost of running a car, cabs are no more expensive to get you about, and you don't have the stress of parking either. A friend has an account with a cab company and said it is the best thing she has done - she became nervous of driving and tired of the effort and expense needed to keep the car on the road.

If you decide/have to move then good luck to you - things tend to work out eventually (ever the optimist!)