Sad about Christmas and, I think, Jealous of my ex.

You’re not a horrible, silly person Jannipans - just human like the rest of us. I would feel left out too - but I’m sure your daughters’ feel they are doing the right thing. It’s a shame they can’t all get together with their dad on just one of those days. I’ve swallowed my pride and now ask my ex to my Boxing Day get together. It started when he lost his partner. He has another now, but I’m not sure whether she’d appreciate an invite! Sounds very civilised I know, but I do it through gritted teeth so my children don’t feel torn. Isn’t it frustrating how ex’s can still affect our lives and cause us to feel hurt so many years later?

Could you perhaps volunteer with crisis at Christmas or the salvation army or a local initiative to help homeless, elderly and lonely people to take your mind off the situation?
Or just enjoy being quiet just the 2 of you?
I remember one year when the weather was so bad we had to cancel our planned family get together.
Once we were over the disappointment it was one of the most peaceful Christmases.

This will be my 4th Christmas without my DH. My DS has invited me to lunch for which I am grateful. I feel for your ex.

What a pity to treat the holiday like a competition.

Our daughters have arranged for him to visit one on Christmas day (with our grandchildren) and the other on Boxing day (no grandchildren)

Couldn't you invite the "no grandchildren" daughter to come to you on Christmas day and the daughter "with grandchildren" on boxing day?

It sounds like they are doing one day each? I can't understand why the "with grandchildren" daughter is doing two days?

Are you sure you've got it right?

It sounds strange that they re left you out of the loop completely You would have thought one would have the Dad on Christmas day with mum going to the other, then a complete swap round for Boxing Day if you are used to being with them for Christmas
I can understand you feeling jealous and left out I probably would too, but to me it sounds a complete lack of communication and a bit weird that you haven’t been approached by either of them at all They could even have divided it up and dinner for one, tea for other had the next day to themselves but it is what it is so can you invite them both for New Year ?
Christmas as we all celebrate it, can cause a lot of upset

Perhaps your daughters feel conflicted as their father is in need of support this year and you are not? Perhaps it’s easier for them to concentrate on their father’s needs if you are not on the scene? Or something like that.
In any event, if you have the energy, you could see what alternative Christmas is out there for you and your husband. Or maybe invite a person with no family here for Christmas dinner?

Unless there’s been estrangement or an argument/bad feeling, must say I think it’s a bit mean for neither of them to invite you for either day.
I’d be feeling sad, too.
💐 OP.

That doesn't sound right that you won't be seeing your daughters or grandchildren at all over the period. I would ask them to clarify.

Whatever the outcome I think that you should be proud that you have raised two daughters who demonstrate such compassion for their bereaved family member. Chin up Jannipans: it's possible, in this forum, to read about daughters and sons behaving badly - yours are taking care of their father in his time of need. Well done them. I hope that you can work it out so that everyone has some time together.

Jannipans I am so sorry and totally understand. You are definitely not "a horrible person" for feeling like this. What did they say when you asked them when they could come for "a second Christmas"?

If your ex's partner died last year what happened last Christmas?

I don't understand why you can't all get together.. surely you do for weddings.

Not everyone goes to weddings Pascal I can’t remember the last time I went to a wedding

One of the wises things I was ever told was that CHRISTMAS IS A SEASON NOT ONE DAY. Being Scottish we were able to host the Inlaws on Christmas Day and My own family at New Year. My sister did it the other way round so everyone was happy.
Nowadays we do Brunch and presents at my house whilst the 2 SILs are at home cooking then I go to one DD for part Christmas Dinner and to the other DD's (who will have her In laws staying) for puddings. Sometime during the season my Sister will host a get together at her house for all of our extended family - all 15 of us. Everyone happy and no one feels left out.

You cannot control how you feel, pleased that you feel better having aired it.

What normally happens at Christmas?

No idea why my girls feel we can't be under the same roof as their dad - maybe it would be upsetting for him to see that I still have my husband (can understand that).
Thanks for "getting it" GNers - I was putting a brave face on it but as someone said you can't help your feelings and I think I just needed to let off steam!
I will have "NotquiteChristmas" with my girls and grandkids and I will make it as special as possible. Now ... what to cook ...!

Jannipans, you are a good person who deserves to have exactly the sort of Christmas she wants.

If the Christmas spirit means anything this is what it means.

Families are often cut right down the middle with subsequent unhappiness. You would not be human if you did not sometimes feel aggrieved . Your solution is to allow yourself to feel jealous and disappointed and then as soon as you can to remind yourself you can't control others.

If , to tell your daughters about your feelings would make them defensive and angry , then keep these feelings a secret .

I guess there will be a lot of secret feelings during the festive season!

Invite both daughters and grandchildren to your house some time during the Christmas period, before or after Christmas.
You are not going to be alone on Christmas Day, are you.

The first thing that struck me when I read your post Jannipans was what about the other parents/grandparents, those of your sons in law? Are your daughters seeing them on Christmas Day or Boxing Day?

And is it all about 'taking control' of Christmas?

I'd feel the same, but I also have this experience & thought. I always had a job that worked 365, so my off days/holidays were not always on the calendar date and there was a fairly large extended family, so we just got together when convenient. So one thought would be to pick a date that suits everyone and celebrate then. My husband has 2 AC from his previous marriage, as do I, with 9 GC total. Plus a couple of exes--his and one of his daughter's. (My ex has flaked out & we've not seen or heard from him in years.) I've hosted holidays at our house with all of them. It felt a little weird at first, but after 4-5 holidays now, it's just normal. We just had Thanksgiving (we're in the US) at his daughter's house with us, her mother, her ex, and various others. It worked fine. Everyone is an adult and friendly.

I am sorry that you are feeling sad about this - getting Christmas right for everyone is sometimes quite hard.

Well done you for being upbeat with them all and planning a second Christmas - have a medal from me! You deserve it!

You will be stashing away goodwill in the bank with your family for being open-minded and forbearing.

I understand how you feel too. Your girls sound so caring and considerate and want to support their dad. You could ask about being all together next year or maybe celebrate New Year this time and alternate from now on. Whatever you decide I hope you feel better for venting and enjoy your Christmas.