Am at my wit's end with my son and DIL

Hi SBHGoldenmom13
I am the same age as you and my daughter is the same age as your son. I have another daughter age 24. Elder daughter has 4 children and younger daughter has 1 child.
I have had the same situation as you with the SIL family being so perfect and I am sadly lacking. However if money or some service such as taking a child to hospital or my daughter to hospital or taking medication to daughter while on nightshift Then I am fine!
The thing that is different is that my elder daughter has two families. She had first 2 grandchildren with one partner and second 2 with another partner. She also lived with someone before she had children. In every case she always seemed to prefer the parents of the current partner. I thought it was the partners who were controlling this situation but given that we are now at 3 partners it must be my daughter's choice to give preference to the other parents. I have had to accept this.
I have now withdrawn all financial support. Last Christmas as ever my daughter chose to spend the day with the other parents which is what she has done for 15 years at least. I was not hosting Christmas it was my younger daughter. She did not even say she was not coming she just did not appear.
The end result is that she is now left to stick with the other family. No money from me, no all night trips out for various emergencies by me. The Christmas presents for her and the children are still her never collected although she claimed the children needed warm clothes and boots for winter.
I am angry that my younger daughter is left to cope with the granny. I am disabled and may need help in the future. Likely the help will come from the younger daughter. Due to elder daughters failure to treat both sides of the family equally she and her children will now be excluded from everything.
I thought I would be distraught but after 15 years of being poorly treated I am not as bothered as I thought I would be. I am relieved of the stress of constantly trying to gain recognition. I am glad to have my purse to myself.
I would suggest that you explain to your son that you are only expecting to be treated the same as the other parents. Your son would not be happy if you brought presents for the 2 youngest and nothing for the eldest child so it is the same with grandparents. There is so much heart break over grandparents struggling to see grandchildren or being separated from children and grandchildren. I have chosen to step out of the competition. It caused too much distress. Perhaps if your son saw how serious these situations become he would ask for fair treatment to both sets of grandparents. I dont know why these young people do not see the unfairness of such behavious.
Take care of you and dont let them push you as far as my daughter did, I had a stroke some years ago.
Sugarpufffairy

Sugarpufffairy...I am so sorry you are going through what you are...I can imagine it is only more devastating when it is your own flesh and blood...one thing I did not mention is that my DIL's family is extremely wealthy and while we are not poor, we cannot afford to do the things that her parents do. Our son grew up with the lesson of fending for himself and always being a responsible adult......he has worked since he is 16 and after he graduated from college, other than birthday gifts or a short vacation with us, he has paid for everything. My DIL's parents control both of their children with "things" and that is also how they treat my grand children...there is nothing I can buy my grand children that they have not already bought them...my items just get returned to the store by my DIL. I am just so disappointed in my son..he was not brought up this waay!
Thanks for your response...it gives me some comfort to know I am not alone....

SBHGoldemom13 You are definitely not alone. I have a DD who treats me like dirt and has done for the last 16 years, like Sugarpufffairy says.
She is due to get married in September and I (and my son) are not attending. I was told a year ago that I was to play no part in this wedding, nor my son. She was having 3 bridesmaids, all chosen by then and he was having 2 best men, again chosen. So things were in the process of being sorted even 18 months in advance but no mother-of-the-bride or brother of the bride to be involved. As her only parent to have brought her up for the last 14 years, I was hurt, outraged and disgusted at her. My son turns 18 in two days time so he is old enough and at 6ft 4in tall enough to walk her into her venue, but no. They are paying for it, so it is their choice who does what. They can keep the modern way for me, it stinks.

Again over money. I have been a walking purse for the last 14 years. Clothes, nights out as a teen, help with university, paying for nursery items, paying for maternity needs, gifts, flowers on births of the two grandsons, anything and everything she bellowed for. But his father died and has left money so that is what is paying for the wedding, not them themselves. She will marry him now that he has come into some money. She refused before his father died.

She apparently got pregnant by accident. I have since discovered that she ordered fertility tests three months after starting a relationship with this guy. Three months! Five months later she told me she was pregnant and that it was a surprise to them! Now I don't know if he knows that she was planning all this but he had started his degree by then. He had to stop it and get a job. Bad planning if he did know. I went along with the surprise story, not knowing anything else at the time, bought most of the nursery goods, the rest was from his sister. Hence, they bought very little for the baby. Second baby. Another surprise. Again he had started another degree. Again he had to stop it to get a job. Again bad planning on his part. I do not think he knew that she was planning on getting pregnant either time. Then at a later date found out she had ordered ovulation tests online. You don't buy these unless you are trying to get pregnant. She is so manipulative and wants her own way all the time. She has lied since she was a young teen to get it too. Trouble was, I got divorced around the same time so feeling guilty, used to give in to her as I thought both children were missing out on a life they had had beforehand. If I'd have known what I know now, my favourite word would have been "no".

Like you said, I have cut off all communication. I do not see the children now as it is too painful. The eldest came out with a comment when I was last there and she just laughed even though he (in my opinion) needed checking for it and being told he was being rude. The eldest starts school this time and it is already breaking my heart to know this without being able to see him in his uniform etc. But it has to be done. She is well aware of how my childhood was, and that there was abuse there. She knows well that her father was abusive and violent and yet she chooses to be abusive towards me too. The trouble is, we carry this hurt around with us every day even though we try to get on with our own lives.

I am glad I am not going to the wedding. I wouldn't be able to sit and watch him marry her not knowing if she has deceived him. It would not be possible for me to do that.

Ruby lady.... My heart aches so badly for you and Sugarpuffairy.... My situation is not quite that bad. We have really never given any money to my son and my son works very hard. What is with this generation of kids??? Such lack of respect .... I guess the question is how do we go forward and love knowing the relationship with our children and grand children will never be what we dreamed it would be????

I cried when I read your complex family problems,my heart goes out to you all.

My own problems with my DIL fade into insignificance.

These are very sad tales I would find them heart-breaking, and I would be just as upset and angry if they happened to me.

I don't think it is 'this generation' though.

Selfishness and bad behaviour have happened at all times. To blame it on modern families, or a lack of respect characteristic of the 21st century, is wrong. I don't think it has anything to do with the age we are in. When it comes to emotions and relationships, we are talking about human nature and human experience

Every family I know has examples of it in the past - not all of them as florid as these examples, here, but some are even worse.

SBHgoldenmom Sugarpuffairy and rubylady your family situations are heart breaking. I know what it's like to be treated so badly by one's own child. We have been estranged from our youngest son for more than 2.5 years which means we are also excluded from the life of our only grand child.

Each of your experiences contains some we've had and like you rubylady we've taken the difficult and painful decision to withdraw completely as far as our son and d.i.l. are concerned but we do send bday and Christmas
cards to our grandchild. Withdrawing is particularly difficult as they live about 400 yards down the road from us. Passing our grandchild in the village we live is torture and now there's another on the way.

In spite of their close proximity though, we are gradually, very slowly benefiting from our decision. Like all of you and sadly so many others, we carry our pain on a daily basis but at least feel that we've taken back some control of our lives. We're no longer being used and manipulated by a selfish, ungrateful and manipulative son and his wife.

There is simply no rhyme or reason for parents to be treated this way. Why some people are unable or unwilling to ensure that in laws and parents are treated the same is beyond me. Such blatant favouritism is cruel and even more so when grand children are involved.

All we can do is carry on with our lives and enjoy the family and friends who bring us so much love, comfort and support.

To quote the Bard "Sharper than a serpents tooth is an ungrateful child".

I am sorry for you all, myself and all of those other parents who now suffer at the hands of their children and in many instances the partners they've chosen.

Smileless, how dreadful to be so near and yet so far....

Do you think that time might soften the situation?

I say this, because one of my (adult) children became very angry (with some justification) with one of the others. Apologies in writing and in person did no good at all, and they remained very distant for several years (though never to the extent of not actually speaking). However, as time has gone on, things have got better between them, and the 'angry' child has mellowed. I don't think the relationship is especially warm between them, but it's good enough.

I feel so sad for all of you. What a harrowing experience to be so poorly treated by your own children, when you would do (and indeed have done) anything for them.

I don't think that it's a generational thing either. Human nature is very complex and we are all individuals, with individually complex traits and reactions. I have a good strong relationship with both of my DC, but there are traits in their personalities that sometimes bewilder me - nothing seriously upsetting, but I puzzle sometimes how and why they have developed a particular characteristic. The truth is that we are each the product of so many influences: family, friends, school, college, work, the films we watch, the books we read, the relationships we witness in others, the times we live in. I sometimes think it's a miracle that any families actually do remain united.

My DH and I are considerably better off than ou DGC other grandparents. We do buy nice gifts for our GC and help out financially where we can but I would never think this makes us better or more important grandparents. The best thing you can give your GC is love and money does not come into that. I wish you all well and hope that your children realise what they are missing out on.

Thank you elena. I really don't know if any amount of time will soften the situation with our son and his wife.

As you say Ash Tree we humans are complex and there are so many factors that can and do influence our lives and contribute to the people we become. As parents, we like to think that the way we we've raised our children is one of the most significant and enduring of influences, but as any parent estranged from their child can testify too, this isn't always the case.

We are fortunate to be in a position where we could have been able to help out financially in the future, as we'd done in the past. Help which was freely given and accepted but has now been thrown back in our faces, seen by them as our desire to exercise control. The best thing we can give to our children and grand children is our love, which we continue to do in our hearts and prayers and I can only hope that even if it's not for many years, when he's a young man, we will be able to give that love to our grandson at some time in the future and be able to tell him that our love was always there for him even though we'd been prevented from giving it to him.

I do hope so too Smileless

Thank you for your kind messages. I did however, lie in bed earlier and wonder what the point of it all was. I have been a parent for 27 years and my son turns 18 on Thursday so legally my days of parenting are over then. He will be an adult in the eyes of the law and my official part is done with. So what now and what was it all for? My daughter doesn't speak to me and those who know how my son is with me at times knows that he can be abusive too. I feel I have wasted the last 27/28 years and now all I want is to find a nice man and basically to have what I had 30 years ago when I married. A home, a husband and a dog. Why didn't I just stick with that? I have been a stay at home mum mostly, to be there for when they both needed me, to be there when they came home from school and not an empty house, to be there. Now I am on the scrap heap with no friends around, no family of support (my dad does his best, especially with his illness). When does it get too much to keep picking up the pieces, brushing yourself off and starting all over again? It's what I'll have to do but I am finding it very hard this time. I have managed to phone the doctors to find out if my counselling has been sorted out. And I have another appointment so at least I have the doctor.

I will bite my lip, put on a happy smile, buy my son his cake and do the birthday thing and then I will take my wonderful, gorgeous doggie, who is my savior, to the cafe near me and we will sit outside and drink tea and make conversation with anyone who bothers to stop and chat. That is the plan.

What I need is a hug. A long, good old fashioned squeeze as my grandparents used to say. I wish they were here along with my auntie, I was loved then. And let's face it, it is all any of us want to feel.

Smileless 2012.....thank you for your words...they meant a lot.

Crafting:

You make such good points, but how can you show your grand children the love you have for them, when you hardly ever see them and when we do, her parents are always around? We rarely have alone time with them and when we do, it is for an hour or so. Our grand children do not know us on an individual basis and when the kids are with both sets of grand parents, they gravitate towards my DIL's parents, as they are whom they know best.

Rubylady

Feeling for you.....

My DHs parents hardly ever saw our DDS, would cancel on them on regularly and was very fickle. They would throw money at every situation, when a simple 'I'm sorry' would of done. They never 'did' anything with them? Never played, talked, and really interacted with them.

Not the same, but our best friends, see them maybe once or twice a month? They read stories, act daft ask about school and are generally interested in what she has to say (Our dds are 5 and 2)

Guess who gets the most mention? Our DD asks when they are coming down ALL the time. She never asks about her grandparents.

It's not about the money, it's not about the amount of time but how you spend that time.

That's what I wanted to do, dreamed of doing, thought I would do; "read stories, act daft" ask about everything. I've bought books that I'll never read to him now; Dr. Seuss, Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland. I wanted to show him the wonders of literature as it's a passion of mine and my ES and d.i.l. are not really into books. I wanted to dance around the living room with him, like I did with both of our boys when they were young.

I'm sending your a BIG HUG rubylady a l-- o-- n-- g "good old fashioned squeeze" as well as my admiration because you keep getting up, picking up the pieces and dusting yourself down and that's such a hard thing to do.

Your son has his birthdayso here are somefor you and a, not for you to toast your son's bday with but so you can raise a glass to yourself, because you were a good mum, the best that you could be which is all any of us can ever hope for.

So, again, the question: Do I keep my mouth shut and just "Grin and bear it" or do I take the risk of talking to my son (again) and started WW 3? ...I keep going up and back.....

WW3 is to be avoided at all costs. You may have to be a bit more subtle!

Mishap....LOL! I guess I was exaggerating just a bit! It's just that the last ime we spoke to my son about these issues, one of his responses to us (as he was crying) was .."what do you want m to do? Divorce her?" and that has stopped us from discussing it for several years.

If you really feel that raising this issue with your son is going to be a risk then I don't see how you can SBHGoldenmom13. I hope that keeping your mouth shut and grinning and bearing it works. It didn't work for us but I know some grandparents who have managed to do so with varying degrees of success, but as time goes by are finding it increasingly difficult to maintain.

To be honest I just don't understand why this happens. Why do some in law's become second best or at worse cut out of their children's and grand children's lives because their s.i.l. or d.i.l. feels more comfortable with his/her own family? When you get married you become a member of your partners family too.

I understand how you're struggling, feeling that you've lost your connection with your son and GC. Having lost mine completely I can only advise you to concentrate on the time you do get to spend with them, make the most of every moment and enjoy the great life you have with your DH.

You're making memories for yourselves and your GC. Our GC now 3.5 wont have any memories of us because we've not been aloud near him since he was 8 months old. His brother or sister due at Christmas wont have any of us either and sadly we will never have any of him/her.

Smileless....my hear aches for you ...and I agree, why does it have to be this way..??? I Have asked myself that for 8 years..don't they understand that the more time they have with BOTH sets of grand parents, the better off for the GC???? Take care of yourself! XXOO

I don't think they spend enough time thinking about what's best for their children SBHGoldenmom13, in our case too much of their time is taken up with finding the best way of using our GC as a weapon against us.

You take care too. I do hope everything works out for you. The pain of being cut out of your own child's and GC's lives is beyond words. Just remember, you're making memories so make as many as you can for as long as you can .