Battle weary

I dont know the answer myself, but in case you are still having trouble sleeping, I thought I would reply if you wanted to offload anything else.

There will probably be posters who are able to offer advice, along soon.

Is it time to contact Social Services?

You just cannot go on like this. The mother needs help, the children protecting. Time to get legal advice as to your sons options under the circumstances, then make a decision, she need never know.

G2213 I'm sorry that you are in such a sad situation. We all love our grandchildren so much and just want them to be happy and safe, don't we?

It's such a big thing in their young lives that you are there as a stabilising influence. They need you to stay strong, loving and smiling, even though inside you may be feeling none of these things. Children are very resilient and providing they have people in their lives who they know love them they will get by.

I expect their mum does love them in her own way and presents no physical danger to them? You describe her as 'volatile' which can mean many things.

It sounds as if you've been up and down this road many times. You know that what your son's ex says when she's been drinking is often forgotten next day and everything returns to 'normal'.

Only you know if it's appropriate to involve Social Services, but I think perhaps you and your son may need to monitor the situation carefully first and perhaps, if you think things may escalate, keep a written diary of incidents.

Hope things look less bleak this morning and I wish you a happy time with your little ones tiday (((hugs)))

If she's drinking to excess then social services need to be involved.

Social Services should be involved without a doubt. This mother is drinking and is not safe to have the children in her care at times.She is also neglecting their emotional needs. You need back-up when you deem it right not to let them be with her. If you and your DS take that decision on a particular occasion with no support, then she may refuse to send the children to you and that would be a disaster.

Talk to SSD. Their first consideration is the children's safety and well-being, and the norm is that family are the first port of call to protect that - so they are likely to endorse the children being with you and your DS. They will monitor contact with the mother and support her to get help with her problems.

This is not a situation that can be allowed to continue.

Thank you all for your support. I was at a very low ebb last night as we were so worried she might turn up and frighten the children. DS phoned the police and asked for advice. They were very helpful and were on standby should the worst happen but fortunately it didn't. Social Services are not really an option at present as this could exacerbate the situation. She can be very plausible to outsiders and I don't think the children are really at risk (except emotionally as they get older). The door was slammed in DS's face again tonight but at least she hugged the children as they went in. Last week he had to leave them crying as she would not let them say goodbye. We were unavoidably nearly an hour late after a special day out, though we had phoned and explained in advance.

We had a lovely day today with a Gruffalo hunt in the woods, climbing mountains, looking for mysterious animals in fallen trees, slug spotting, paddling in the river, throwing stones and making 'art' works - all for free!

The next worry is tomorrow night when DS usually takes his son to football training. She may ban him as she has done before, for being naughty (though he rarely is) and this again could escalate into threats.

We know that she does not cope well with stress but she also 'kicks off' if she does not get her own way. She is very controlling. Soontobe I do not know the answer either but I do try to keep 'onside' for the childrens' sake. I know that I have written at length but honestly I could write a book about the things that have happened! Thank you all again. I have three days to build my mental resources once more and I will do it!

Sounds like my late, and not lamented, mother.

The 'wee, small hours' can be very bleak and you were understandably at your lowest then. I hope it helped just putting it all into words.

Does your son's ex have a real drink problem or is this just a part of her whole volatile personality?

Thanks Anya. It did help but it also made me realise how bad it actually is! I think the drinking is part of her personality but I do worry about her mental health as there is a history in her family. On the other hand some of her siblings and her mum are lovely. In fact it is because DS has tried to talk to them about the problems that she has become super angry when she found out!

As predicted, DS turned up for football training and had the door slammed in his face with the words, 'Wasted journey'. Worried about the whereabouts of his son he checked with some of her family (who think the world of DS) and found he was staying that night with her sister. Nothing wrong with that as he loves his sleepovers but it was clearly to make sure that he did not go to football. That sister is lovely and allowed him to speak to DGS but DS later received texts from ex, furious that he had spoken to him. So you see she is also putting her own family into awkward situations by being so manipulative and trying to punish DS.

I am now going to be on edge till Thursday when I should pick up the children for the weekend. This has happened so many times and is really distressing. I know DS has rights but she holds all the cards.

Are you keeping a diary? This will be needed if the situation gets worse, but for the present helps get things into proportion and make you feel better. I'm not sure how, but it does!

Hang in there and good luck.

It does sound as if your DS ex isn't coping with the break up and may need help. Her sister must be aware. Perhaps she can persuade Ex to go for counselling?

The problem lies between your DS and his ex and she is punishing him in her own way, by using their children. She is very unhappy and wants him to be unhappy too.

NFK and Anya you are spot on. She hates the fact that he left her and I can see she is desperately unhappy. However that is no excuse for using their children to punish him. This has now gone on for 2 1/2 years. Her sisters and myself refuse to become involved in their disputes and are only there for the children. I have told her so repeatedly and as a result have managed to stay on reasonably friendly terms. She has texted me today to pass the message on that DS is not allowed near her house, cannot speak to her family and is not allowed to pick up or drop off the children.

I am praying that she does not threaten to keep them away from him again and have advised that he does not respond. I will do the ferrying to keep the peace and ensure the children are safe and happy.

By the way NFK she refuses counselling as it is all DS's fault.

You must be getting bored with all this. Maybe I should just write that book as therapy!

Incredibly sad reading this but just wondering if your DS should go to Court and get visiting etc arrangements formalised so she has to behave in a more civilised manner.

Those poor children, it's an untenable situation for you all.

Hard though this is for you (and for your DS) you have managed to keep a reasonable relationship with her and this is something you should be proud of.

Things could get worse especially if either she or your DS starts a new relationship, which almost inevitably will happen.

I think you are very wise to stay on friendly (ish) terms with your DS's ex as you may need that relationship in the future.

I think it best to stay away from social services. Just keep jogging along as you are now. You must be a light in those children's lives. Keep it up. Try to keep on good terms with her if you possibly can, even if it means smiling when you really would like to slap her. Remember you are doing it for the kids. Good luck. I hope she lets the children do the things you have planned for the weekend.

It sounds as if you're doing incredibly well in a very difficult situation.

It's a pity DiL won't think of counselling. It really doesn't matter who's fault it is, it's to help her come to terms and move on. For everyone's sake. A car crash victim will often have counselling - but it doesn't mean the crash was their fault.

It sounds as if mediation is needed you could contact the National Family Mediation service If your DiL wont talk to them your DS might be able to get some helpful advice

Loopylou - Court (or Social Services) would be a red rag to a bull! I hear it takes months and she could keep them away all that time. They would be devastated. At least they are in a routine at present. The authorities will not imprison her as it would be detrimental to the children. Fines will also take cash away from the children. They love her and we cannot take that away from them.

Yes Anya I live in dread of new relationships though DS has very little opportunity as he has the children on all his days off. She has also said she will make his life hell if she finds out about someone else!

Jinglbells - I am crawling rather than jogging at present but I do smile and grit my teeth. The words 'two faced' spring to mind when I think of what I actually want to do to her, but the children are my priority!

Trisher - advice from mediation might help DS I suppose even if she won't go. I never thought of that.

Thanks again all for listening. Tomorrow is the day!

Good luck ((hugs)))

I know it sounds awful but sometimes people will go for mediation because they imagine it will be a chance for them to have a go at their ex. Perhaps you DIL will be one of them. It isn't like that of course. They will also work with children who need help. Good luck and stay strong, this family needs you.

I do wish there was a solution for you all. I presume that as they weren't married then this could carry on indefinitely with her using the children as pawns and effectively not moving on.......
I do hope today goes well, fingers crossed x

Thanks for all your comments. Happily I picked up children after lunch with no trauma as sister was looking after them. Mum at work. Daddy took them to the circus so they were very excited on their (very late) return. GD 1 hyper after candy floss and slush drink and has only just gone to sleep!

DS at work tomorrow so don't know whether we'll have a late lie in or grumpiness all day! Not great weather forecast either. Still we now have 3 days together and hope for no calls or texts.

Thanks again for all your support. It is really appreciated.

We have had a lovely weekend but oh boy do I hate Sunday nights! I dropped children off and Mum was as nice as pie. Then DS got the phone calls, as after clearly quizzing the children she had found out they had met up with one of DS's friends and her child, at the circus (the one who got the cheap tickets). She was furious because she had never met her first. She said it was weird because said friend had bought them candy floss! What??!!

So... though I was going to take DGS to football training tomorrow now he cannot go again because she has bought them tennis rackets and she wants to play with him in the park at that time, even though she has them all day Monday and Tuesday. She then got DGS to ring his dad to tell him he did not want to go training next week either because he wants to spend more time with his cousin (who is in the same class at school!) playing on the Xbox. When he left DGS had said he was looking forward to seeing his mates at training. DS did not comment but said 'That's fine.' I think she clearly wanted an argument about it.

There is more, much more. How can anyone manipulate their children in this way? My teeth are ground down with gritting. I feel so angry and sad for the children and trying to stop DS from reacting as she wants.