Financial Independence should I get divorced to gain my financial Independence

Well - if you love him, then clearly you cannot divorce him. and if you are feeling so depressed, then you need him around. What would be gained by divorcing? - no company, no job - don't go there!! So.....talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. What you need is a joint bank account so that the money belongs to both of you.

We had this from day one, and we trusted each other to use our money wisely, and only discussed big items of expenditure. When we first married, I was earning and he was a student; then when the children were little it was the other way round; then when he had to retire early because of ill health I supported him; then there was a period when we both worked part time; and now we are both retired. All through we have had a joint account and it has never been a problem.

Do you think he would be happy with that?

Do you need to rethink your lifestyle?

We have taken some high risk career decisions in our time, valuing peace of mind and happiness over money and an expensive lifestyle.

Maybe it is time for you both to have a joint rethink?

I sort of have questions rather than answers.

I presume you have never had a joint bank account?
So that is why he is giving you what seems like pocket money?
Is he generally mean?
Does he know that you find it insufficient? Or perhaps you are used to substantially more?

You say that you love your husband. Good.
Do you think he loves you?

Like soon I think there must be more to this.

Totally agree with Lucky I think that if you love and trust each other a joint bank account is the simplest solution. I would hate to have to negotiate who pays which bill or what proportion of the mortgage each should pay as it is unlikely in most cases that the salary would be the same.

When we married I was earning the most but overall it has definitely been DH who has been the highest earner but it has never been an issue. my contribution to the family has been far greater in other, non-financial ways.

Only one of you can handle the bigger picture and it was originally DH but he wasn't very good at it and I took over which worked as he had already moved each time we bought and sold our homes.

We discuss any bigger purchases one of us wants but apart from that do our own thing, usually on our joint credit card and it gets paid off each month. DH has never asked how much a pair of shoes cost or anything else and I have never asked him. It works for us.

Thanks for the good feedback.

The joint bank account does not work because I know what money he has and he pays for everything and in either case I need a bank account for my future.

I just don't like the fact that he pays for everything i'm used to paying half since we met ( apart from the 1st few months of dating).
If I was on my own then I would have to pay for everthing even if it was from social security then I would feel better (I think).

He is not mean , he is giving me what he has left but it is a quarter of what I usually spend I cannot handle it. I cannot even afford to pay into my pension fund any more. It stinks.

Maybe I could find someone who earns a bit of bread lol!
I don't know what to do but I cannot live like this for much longer. He knows how I feel but I don't know how to move this on.

So you have a husband who is supporting you through a difficult time (you said you haven't been able to find work. have therefore spent all your savings) that is jot your fault and you want to divorce him because that is doing your head in?

Would you (want to) support him if he were in the boat you're in and you were still earning?

jot not

I think I can only answer this from my perspective which may not be of much use to you.

In my relationship, my DH has contributed a lot more financially than I have.
But I have done a lot more in other ways[children, housework etc].
We operate as a team.

It seems that you have not been doing that, which is fine, I think all partnerships can work well so long as they work for both parties.

It seems to me[and I could be wrong], that you do not want to work as a team?

Can I ask what your plan was going to be if you were ill, long term?
Does your plan have fundamental flaws in it? Because you could never guarantee a guaranteed income flow.

I wonder if this may stem from what happened to you when in childhood. How did your parents deal with this issue?

Marriage is for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, or something along those lines, isn't it?

Thatbags

Yes I see what you say and yes I would up to a point but 2 years is long time.

Soontobe and everyone: - I should have said i'm not sure he still loves me. He has lost interest in me in every way since I stopped earning and I mean
everyway. Although he does not seem to mind giving me money but I think it's just to keep me quite. I feel that he has used me for sex and money to live a better life style than if he was single.

I am not sure where this leave me.

Keep looking for work, perhaps go and see your GP about dealing with the 'head issues'. Wing it for a bit and then decide whether you still "feel married" to him. May I ask how old you are?

quite quiet. I always do that.

It sounds like things were all right while you were earning?

You might just be feeling 'used' because you are depressed.

I am only 50 and I have been to the docs and had counselling loads of times and on top of that I am not well physically but I well enough to work.

I guess if I find some work it will all get better and go back to normal but I feel scared that I might not get work. How long do bad times last before you crack ........ don't want to think of it

Soontobe

Yes I thought we were both really happy but now I wonder. Maybe it was not meant to be. I am just wondering if I would be a better person on my own.

I am wondering like thatbags, if you are not feeling well.
And like lots of us, when we dont feel well, we dont think straight[this may not be the case as I dont know you].

You were both happy before.

I think you need to speak to your husband, but more importantly, make an appointment with your GP.

Sorry to go on but I feel like a used mattress i.e. our sex life was pretty vannila and when I think back a bit boring plus now it is non existent.

So no job , no money, no sex and on top of that I have put on 2 stone grrrrr no wonder I feel unhappy. Plus I have a cronic medical condition.

But seriously I need a strategy should I jump ship while I have the chance and before all assets are used up?

When did you last have a heart to heart with your husband?

Soontobe

I will talk to him again but I have discussed this all with him before up to a couple of months ago. He also has counselling about other issues which has affected our relationship.

We can talk but it does not seem to solve anything.

Mostly we get on well at home and when we go out but sometimes I just wish he was dead and I could have my own life back again.

You just sound very depressed to me. No light at the end of the tunnel. No answer from me I'm afraid.

I think you need to go to your GP.
I think that you need to say to him/her that your financial circumstances are not good.

I presume you are claiming any benefits that you are entitled to?

Thanks annsixty I think you are right and I am depressed again.

It really hit me this week that nothing has changed and I have been trying very hard since last June when I had counselling.

We are going out tonight so I will use this as an opportunity to speak to him again and see where we can go from here.

I will update tommorow.