Am I doing the wrong thing?

I understand and sympathise with you.Sit down with him, take his hand, and tell him that you know that it doesn't matter to him, but it does to you, and would he do this 'just for you' and say that it need only be you and him at the registry office, plus a witness.No fuss, or expense.?

That's such a sad situation.

I'm not sure if you will like my first comment but here goes - sex is not and never should be a weapon.

Its fine not to have an intimate relationship for many reasons but to withhold sexual contact to get your own way?

I'm sorry that just doesn't sit well with me. You must also ask yourself - if he feels no intimate connection , no kissing and cuddling how does he maintain a close and loving relationship with you and from that wish to be married to you?

So , having said that , you have every right to be upset and disappointed but I think Rose has a very good suggestion. If it just the marriage you want and fuss and furore doesn't matter to you then that seems an excellent way to get your point across to him.

I hope you find a middle ground that makes you both happy.

C'mom NanaandGrampy us women have been using it for years as my brand new car that's parked on the drive will testify.

Horses for courses * Gonon* - that's not my style and never will be .

Sex for me is not a currency. I don't barter with it, I don't sell it or myself and I certainly don't want a new car from it.

BUT that's my opinion - you're entitled to yours.

I agree that sex, or its withholding, should not be used as bargaining ammunition. And as for using it to get a new car - words fail me!

To the OP - if marriage is very important to you then you need to have that discussion again. Do you want to stay with him if he still says no? - that is the bottom line.

I agree with NanaandGrampy 100%. It is wrong to use sex as a weapon and to use it to get a new car, words also fail me.

A new car for sexual services is not much different to a prostitute is it?

I di that to get a new car --- all I got was an old bike, does that say anything

If he doesnt do talking and rationalising, in what way does he operate?

oldgoose after 17 years together, this is more than about not being married. You need to talk to someone about your feelings to find out what is really making you feel this way. I suggest you make an appointment with Relate. You can go on your own without the knowledge of your partner. Good luck.

SOH failure I think gononsuch made me laugh though.

I think you need to ask yourself first why marriage is so important to you.

Then ask him why not marrying is so important to him.

In your case, it could be something to do with security. In his case, he may think you're after his money (just a thought!).

If you wish to stay with him, and he wants to remain unmarried, it may be a good idea to approach a lawyer and draw up a separation agreement which is legally binding and will protect both parties in the event of a split.

If he's unwilling to do that, maybe he has plans elsewhere.

I sympathise with the "unable to talk" thing.

You need answers though: could you write to him?

I was just going to suggest exactly that. If he has AS he is likely to struggle with emotionally charged conversation. If you put a straightforward written case for formally recognition of your relationship you might have more of a chance of his agreement. Word it very carefully. Avoid abstraction and emotional language. Good luck!

Also give him a bit of time to think about it.

Can't say I'm in favour of using sex as a weapon, but just want to point out that men use it that way too as in - if you don't let me have sex with you now I will: sulk / not talk for a week / sleep in the spare room / go downstairs and play heavy rock very loud waking the kids and upsetting the neighbours / get up early and go to work without taking the kids to school, thus making you late for work / get drunk and yell at you / stay out all night tomorrow / take your keys and lock you in the house / find a replacement wife, etc.
Happily the man who thought that sort of emotional and physical bullying was acceptable is now the ex husband ( yes, OK, he found the replacement wife).

Explain as a common law wife you have no legal rights should he die and vice versa???

Agree about writing to him, that way you can refine it to try to explain without a level of emotion that will scare him and be sure you say what you need to. Oldgoose it sounds as if his decision could be based purely on logic - we live together, we are happy (or I am happy) therefore marriage is unnecessary. He has an experience of a marriage not lasting, this could also be part of his thinking. If it isn't guaranteed to last why do it? Your experience of marriage is very different. So your approaches to and beliefs about marriage will be very different. I wonder too how your husband interprets the no sex situation if you haven't been able to tell him how upset you are. I go back to write to him, he may be able to cope with that and a useful dialogue could happen, even if a written one. Good luck. I hope things get better for you.

You said NO to his original proposal, and although you may have forgotten it, he might have put up the barriers and won't ask again. He has Aspergers and you would know that they often don't get along with the twists and turns of dialogue. You obviously love him, so why deny sex? I feel sorry for him, as it must be confusing.

I don't think sex should be used as a bargaining chip either, but it is very difficult to feel affectionate and sexy when your emotions are all over the place. Perhaps oldgoose's partner's unwillingness to marry makes her feel unloved and insecure. I can understand that, though with the number of divorces these days, it's worth bearing in mind that marriage is no guarantee of a lifelong and happy partnership.

oldgoose As someone suggested, perhaps talking this through with a counsellor might help you. If your partner is not interested in counselling, you can go alone. It may be useful in helping you to decide whether you can come to terms with the present situation or if it will be better in the long term to leave the relationship.

I do hope you can sort things out between you and both find peace of mind, whatever happens.

Typical 'counselling' can be extremely hard for people with AS. A counsellor working with couples, one of whom has AS, really needs to know how to word it all. There are trained counsellors around but are rare. What is more likely and risky is one that thinks they know how to do it but don't. They can make things much worse. Sorry to be so negative. Talk about feelings and emotions can be extremely difficult for people with AS. Keep it clear, direct and practical is my advice. Write it down.
Tip: a lot of the men I've worked with really dread the situation of a wedding itself. The fear of being the centre of attention, noise, crowds, unfamiliar food, different clothes etc etc. You are right to suggest a very simple quiet ceremony. Good luck.

I hadn't thought of that Jane and I can see now that you're right.

I don't think it's as simple as saying oldgoose is using sex as a weapon. She is feeling unloved, unappreciated and many other things. Why should she even want to have sex with a man who makes her feel like that?

If she feels she doesn't want to have sex with him then that's entirely up to her and perfectly understandable.

I think pollygran has hit the nail on the head once you rejected his proposal ( not saying you were wrong in doing so at that point) he would see that as the given "She doesn't want marriage " Aspergers are very black and white thinkers no would be no and he probably wouldn't understand why it was no when he asked, but now you want it it should be yes or he will get punished DDID HE STOP SEX WHEN YOU REFUSED HIS PROPOSAL ?

Changing the rules of the game midway will take him some time to get used to

Banning sex is cruel ( and joke or no joke the idea of getting a car out of sex appauls me) and will only confirm to him that you only love him on your terms

if I was in this position I would return to the loving partner in and out of bed that you have been and let it all die down for a period of time before having that talk ...you have become obsessed with getting this and it could pull you completely apart after all you have lived together for 17 years you don't say how long you have banned sex but have said this has been coming on since 5 years into the relationships when he said 'no thanks' just as you had previously said no thanks

Getting a car for sex is shocking IMHO. Prostitution without the street corner! No sex unless you marry me? Pretty much the same thing as I see it!