Fears

I understand your concerns a son is not quite the same as a daughter. My son lives about ten miles away with his family. Before Covid we saw them all a couple of times a week. It’s just phone calls and WhatsApp now. Our daughter lives over sixty miles away which is difficult for me. Before Covid I would stay with her a few days while her husband worked away. I enjoyed the special time we had but have not seen them for nearly a year.
If my husband becomes ill I would hardly see my daughter. Because I don’t drive on motorways they terrify me. She will visit occasionally after lockdown but will have a routine with my granddaughter with nursery etc.

Would you consider writing little letters to your daughters besides phone calls etc. Tell them you want to write as it’s extra contact that you will enjoy when or if you are on your own. Do you have a DIL and do you have a relationship with her. How about friends and neighbours I know it’s difficult now. Having people around will help you as you get older. Presently try to enjoy what you do have now and when this lockdown is lifted. Don’t dwell on the future as it will weigh you down I find sending my daughter letterbox flowers lifts my spirits.

Well this has given me food for thought - I have three sons... I had never looked at it in that way before

Interesting. I am far, far closer to DS2 than I am to DD. He knows what to do when I become gaga, bless him...

DD lives the other side of the country to me - I certainly wouldn't drive there, DH has recently decided not to drive that far either. DD would come, but she has young children, whilst DS2 has only a 17 y.o. son. DS1 lives overseas and would be useless in an emergency even if he were here.
No, give me my boy anytime.

I have two siblings who I haven't seen for about 20 years. They have so shocked my family by their casual/unkind treatment of me, that they have told me to drop them...

I have two sons both living abroad. I don’t dread growing old, but I will fight it for as long as possible.
If I deteriorate first my OH knows at which point I would choose to say goodbye and I know he will help me. I would do the same for him.
I feel quite happy and content, hopefully for many years to come.

I suppose we all dislike the thought of loneliness in our old age, especially if we come to need help.

For me this is not specifically about having children or where they live, as I don't want to have to depend on them or anyone else.

I try to make sure that I have friends as well as family, both of my own age and in other age groups, so we can help each other as need arises.

I fear the future. Being alone is fine as long as I keep my health. But what happens when I don't? I have two sons who are truly marvellous and I have lovely daughters-in-law.
But I don't think it's right that I should depend on them.
There is no answer, just hope for the best.

For generations women have been seen as the care givers, the ones that will give up at least some of their life to attend to the needs of the family, both young and old.

Times are changing. A recently retired friend of mine wishes she had a daughter to go shopping and have coffee with and doesn’t seem to realise that the imaginary daughter would actually be at work all day and not available.

I’m sorry but I think the vision of a daughter lovingly and tenderly taking care of your elderly needs is a bit of a fantasy. The reality would be a frazzled woman trying to balance a job, husband, grandchildren, elderly parent, wondering where her life went. Believe me Ive seen it too often.

As for visiting there’s always the train or even a long distance taxi.?

Oh dear, what a shame that for some, the view still persists of sons not being regarded as "reliable" as daughters. Jane, I think that you are fortunate in having a son who lives nearby and who would be a reliable support if needed. We have one child (DS) who lives far away across the world. I know, that if needed in a crisis, he'd do what he can to help us, as would all his family. But its not the same as having someone living nearby.

Words fail me. Do we really have children so they can care for us in old age. I have no blood family apart from my children, as henetha says I am not going to depend on them.
I understand the current situation is making people unduly anxious but really.

Heaven forbid that I would ever expect my daughter to have to do this. It is archaic that this is still expected of daughters/women!

My daughter has already told me, 'You're going in a home.'

There’s absolutely nothing you can or should do about this.
I would put your worries right to the back of your mind, and enjoy the life you have now, which sounds great.

Snap Gagajo! Mine added that it would be one with a pool and lots of men......?

I'd tell my daughter she was risking being disinherited if she put me in a home with loads of old blokes. A pool now, is a different matter!