Difficult daughter-in-laws

awful story from Sprinkles-surely her son should get the children their own passports and keep them safe-ie at his work. it would worry me if the children are girls and later taken off to be married abroad.There is a serious group of people who have had children abducted and are fighting for their return-might be worth contacting them for ideas on prevention.
and by the way I think I had a difficult mil but I may well have been a rubbish dil and probably like Maxgran young and insecure

I have a similar situation. It does get me down but I can understand it. I always tried to be nice to my mother-in-law but I can't say I looked forward to her visits. Now I'm in that role. What goes around, comes around.

I just try to remind myself that my daughter-in-law is a really good loving mum to my grandchildren. That's the crucial thing.

Oh Sprinkles, my heart goes out to you. Your poor son as well. It is hard standing up to an unstable bully when it feels like they have all the power and you have none. He does need to talk to a family solicitor at least and get some professional advice about how he can best protect his children.
All you can do it try to be very, very nice to DIL and encourage your son to take advice. DIL may be suffering too if her family are giving out to her? Obviously not a happy bunny.

I've just read Sprinkles story and its heart breaking. Her son would be well advised to get legal help. Have the children got their own passports or are they on their mother's. Perhaps If they are on hers he can get that altered.

It is the MIL with her experience of life and relationships that is crucial to the success of this relationship. Why should it be so upsetting to see your son doing most of the work? Women have done most of the family housework and child- care for generations and it never upset anyone.

I know my daughter's MIL very well, we live nearby and now share 2 lovely GDs. I know that all is not well because of the fact that her son often gets a meal ready when he comes home from work. But it was his choice to be the cook. He loves it but he is very untidy and my daughter patiently tidies up after him. They have got that sorted out and are a happy couple and slowly his mother is beginning to accept the fact.
Family life has to keep going, we all have to keep some of our opinions to ourselves. I remember an interview on BBC TV with a couple, both over 100. What is the secret of a happy married life? the reporter asked him, 'Yes Dear! he replied.
So there we are. We Mothers -in -law. A little bit more of 'Yes Dear'

Lucyjordan..... Yeah its mine.LOL. I have MS and can't get down as easy as I once could !! Actually he's really quite good at it

It saddens me to read of DIL/MIL conflict, why can't people just pull together in the best interests of the children. I love my DIL as if she was my own and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. Her Mother lives a considerable distance away and can not visit frequently so I am happy to take a back seat when she is on the scene. Why should there be rivalry ?

I am a dil and I just feel that I have to post. I am just wondering why all the threads re family conflict seem to be mil/dil.
What about mil/son il? I actually think I have a much better relationship with my mil than dh had with his mil. We always visit mil as a family at weekends plus I occassionally see her on my own. We have been away on holiday together twice.
However, dh made little effort with my mum. It was mutual. I don't think my mum ever really approved of him. It is now too late to change as she passed away a few months ago.
I would say that now mum has passed it has made my relationship with mil more difficult. I can see to a certain extent why one dil wanted to visit her mums grave on Mothers Day. I found Mother's Day really hard. Although I did go out with inlaws I found it really hard as my mum had passed away 2 weeks before.
Sorry for hijack op but just wanted to show another angle.

I have 3 daughters and I love and respect all my 3 SILs in a different way. They are all so different, but the important thing is they are in happy relationships and good and loving to my daughters and fun Dads to their children. My only quibble is with Daughter No.2's MIL. D married an Australian and has no family in Oz; she has no help from anyone so you'd think that her MIL would take my place to a certain extent wouldn't you? It's as if there's a constant battle going on in her head. I've had D on the phone many times in tears asking why her MIL is so horrible to her. She 'helps' with the children when it suits her but always over rules D's way of doing things e.g. feeds the children biscuits and sweets 10 minutes before lunch is due; lets them watch endless TV rather than take them out to the playpark. On one occasion when D asked if she could help for an hour, MIL told her she couldn't as she was 'watching the stew cook'!! (I could write a book on her excuses - maybe I will). I am sorely tempted sometimes to talk to MIL but know it wouldn't help in the long run. D has now decided to go with the flow as she has to live (next door!!) with the situation. I think she's amazing and very brave.
Anyway, I am an excited Gally because they are all arriving to stay with us next week for a 5 week holiday.

I agree.

I do feel that at times mothers of daughters can be very insensitive to the needs of the other grandparents.

They could if they wished help their daughters to be more sensitive to thier husbands need to have his family included.

It is very difficult for husbands to insist on this, if it is not happening, as it can be a cause of conflict, which no one would want.

Gosh I'm lucky as I get on very well with DIL! My son and her are extremely fair in making sure both Grannies [and one Grandad] get equal time. However, as I'm single [divorced] it does fall on me to 'step in' and help when needed, even though I still work 2 afternoons a week.Also her mother is quite a nervous Granny, also gives her time when it suits her - whereas I feel I do go the extra mile. A new baby is due in November as the last one arrived very quickly I'm to go up and just stay until the event.This is because as a nurse I can help if the worse should happen and she ends up giving birth at home!! God forbid. We all love our little granddaughter and we all get on. We are very lucky going by the above stories and those I've heard at work

I agree with the comments about dil, but I think you have to work hard to build upa relationship with them. As grannyrosie said, my friends who are grannies have a "zip" for all the times when you have to keep quiet. My mum used to say that "she had to have her say" about everything, used to drive me mad, so I don't I "zip up " if I feel it is appropriate.
If you want to see your grandchildren you have to have a good relationship with your DIL, it's hard work but worth it.

I so agree with crimson. That was the easy time when they were young and we thought then that it was tough having toddlers. Huh, what did we know! - it's so much more difficult when they're adults. Just have to stand back and watch them make their own mistakes and it hurts so much at times

Here here Nonna2. We are so lucky as my DIL's family have become great freinds. My son and his wife live near them, and the other grandma looks after the kids all the time, but we often go and stay both with my son and with the other grandma if they are away to share the childcare. WE have evn all been on holiday together
Families are for sharing!

It's heartbreaking to see a son having such problems; when they were little we could at least give them a cuddle but when they're adults we just have to hurt for them [but not let them see that we're hurting]..and just 'be' there for them.

Difficult, and of course your son wants to do the best he can for his children.
Sending you best wishes, stay strong.

Thank you harrigran.

The children were taken last November and so much has happened since. Too much to make real sense of it. My son wanted everything back to normal as possible so no legal moves were made then when his wife agreed to return with him.

I don't trust my D-I-L, she got away with what she did without consequences and loves drama, above concerns for the children. I know that there was little contact between her and her mother for some months, whatever went on in Saudi must have been very bad as they used to be in daily contact. Within days of being in touch again her mother wanted to come and stay. Son said no way, she'll have to stay somewhere else and never come to the house. His m-i-l then posted some childish and spiteful messages on a social network site which only proved to anyone interested that she's as insane as ever.

I have not had a fall out with D-I-L but she knows I am very frightened she will be persuaded by her mother to take the children again. Her mum does not want her talking to me and she could see how much I have been helping them from the party photographs. Today i learnt D-I-L's sister is coming to stay (again from Saudi - a duplicate of the mother) It was after one of her visit's when they were abroad that she suddenly took off with the children.

Yes, I know we need legal help, but that is a step my son refuses to do at this time. His brother and sister have talked to him, tried to persude him to hide the children's passports but they can apply for new passports without his knowing.

This family arrived in this country six months after moving abroad with a great job and very few know what really happened to cause them to abandon everything to come back so suddenly. D-I-L lies to her friends, she has treated my son very badly but he will stick with her through thick and thin because he adores the children.

I got on brilliantly with my mil until we were arranging our marriage then I saw a nasty green person that ensured I kept her at arms distance. I tried several times to befriend her and my mum and dad and grandmother and sisters always included them in our family occasions and Christmas because my husband is an only child. She would try to quarrel with me but I walked away - whenever my husband and her set eyes on each other it was minutes before they were quarreling - she was so jealous of everything!!!Always saw them as they had no-one but us and she could have had such a good friend but she was impossible so..... I was distant and remote and did what I had too and when she was widowed for 11 years our lives were hell because she presumed she would move in with us - that would have been over my dead body.

This is not a family dispute, this is major and you probably need legal advice.

I'm at my wits end with my daughter in law. They have two small children I adore and it looks like I'm only welcome if I spend a lot of money on her and the children. They came home from living abroad earlier this year and I was the only one helping them to settle back at their home in this country. Everything was reasonably fine while I responded to their urgent needs, but after a family party at their home a month ago I told both of them I couldn't afford to keep paying for so many things they need. I had paid for most of the party!

She has blanked me since and is refusing to let me chat with my grandchildren on the phone.( I live 90 miles away) This is not sudden odd behaviour, she has a history of dysfunctionality which is why they had to return to this country so abruptly. My son had to give up a great career abroad to bring them all back so he could keep a closer eye on his little family. Last November, when everyone including my son, thought all was happy with the family, she took off one afternoon with the babies and flew to her relatives in Saudi Arabia. To live. She was texting my son saying she was getting his tea ready and the children were looking forward to him coming home to bath them, while in reality she was loading suitcases into a taxi for the airport. He had no idea where she went and was distraught until she emailed him the following day. Her family are very dysfunctional and have no regard for rights, only money.

Eventually my son got his passport back and went to Saudi to get them back. Her parents were furious that he had followed the children and even tried locking them in their house to stop him taking them back. He finally persuaded his wife to return with him and on the condition they all returned to this country, out of her parents reach. It was an abduction and the eldest child was very upset for months afterwards which is why I was so ready to help them in any way.

Now her mother wants to come to stay with them this August and there is a lot of concern in the family that she might try to take the children again. D-I-L wants her mum to see their home, see how the children have grown which would be fair but for the fact this woman just cannot be trusted. She sweetens up everyone around her before doing any dirty deed and gets away with it because it's so unexpected. My son is living under huge stress,

I know from a social network site her mother wants me off the scene now as i have been around helping them for months. She also wants my son out of the picture and he has been insisting she does not visit their home, instead staying with a friend locally.

The rest of my family are insisting I keep an eye on things (they are scattered all around the country) but D-I-L has decided I can't speak to the children now. Or she's listening to her mother.

I am very sad to read about all these people who are at loggerheads with their in-laws.

To redress the balance, I must add the fact that my two sons-in-law and my next-best-thing-to-a-daughter-in law are (almost) as dear to me as my own children. My girls are on excellent terms with their in-laws.

My own relations with my in-laws, and my husband's with my parents, were equally happy, and so were my parents' relations with each others parents. I get the impression that the same was true of my husband's parents.

Do problems run in families, on one side and/or the other, do you think?

Re choresI have noticed that History really doeS repeat itself. If Yr parents accepted and shared the load then their children tend to do so.

My pil are very involved in my childrens lives and we are going away with my parents and the pil soon. My mil can be a little tricky but seven yrs has taught me to be pro active rather than defensive and we get on much better now Long may it continue

There are some lovely posts on here.

Coming at it from the other angle, I absolutely adore my mother in law (and father in law as well). I feel very lucky to have them in my life. My partner is one of 6 (5 boys and a girl) and my MIL gets on wonderfully will all her daughters in law bar one. We all think she is lovely. I wish my own mother was like her! I love her very much.

We are all going on holiday together in France for 2 weeks this August - me, my partner, my daughter and a friend and my parents in law. I would have scoffed somewhat at the thoughjt of holidaying with my in laws when I was young, but I am really looking forward to it.

I hate to be glib, and hate to seem patronising.. but there is only one word i can muster.. and that is "whatever!" Sorry GtGran, but I think your rose coloured glasses may be getting in the way...

My point was that in fighting for equality it seemed to many of us who have paved the way for the younger women to have these freedoms may we not have erred the other way and made our sons a complete walkover.
Magazines seem full of articles were women now seem to favour the men who give them a hard time rather than the softer new man.
I am very proud of my sons and grandson being extremely nice men.Capable of caring.
Equality is not about payback time nor being the so called oppressors turn to suffer, it is about achieving mutual respect. My home is abig house where everyone is welcome and I would never dream of interfering between families but there is definitely a percentage of lazy young women out there.

If a couple do not share responsibilities/work etc - its their issue.
If one is not pulling their weight then the other one is daft to put up with it.

I often hear people moaning about how their other half does not do as much as them etc... Instead of moaning they should be sorting it out and if your other half will not meet you half way or respect you then I wonder why people stay with someone like that.
Either accept it - or change it.