Black Dogs 29

Ironically, the day turned out sunny, and the men could have finished later, but I had a lovely active day, the Botanical Gardens were just fab - a light wind, magnolia tress waving, a carpet of petals, buds opening, after the gym….and I well needed a sleep.

MrA and aftereffects will leave me until its ready, and of course he is “coming back”:
I can just do my best to focus on other things, and certainly get past the return, and this Tuesday and the Eye consultant before I feel I can really start properly moving on

But I am driving up to my family for two days next Friday. An adventure - haven’t been up since October. It will push me energy wise, but I am staying in a nearby guest house that looks really homely and nice lady there who will let me have afternoon naps and so on.

I’m glad that your hand is getting a little better, but really hope its back to best soon, Scaredycat, its very limiting. Is it your writing hand or not?

I thought Good Friday might be like that for you, Doodle. Very understandable feelings: it sounded like, again, your church is a really Good Place.

I knew you’d understand, Sweetpeasue re anger and how to deal with its triggers - starting with what happened with the Doc who messed you up as well as not being heard for DH - prolonged stress and fear for you.

I recall yesterday was a good day and wonder of you have what I get at times for some weird reason - one has a pretty good day, things look better - then the wretched day afterwards - its a downer.

The only reason I have fathomed is that it’s hard to trust good things when they happen, there is some kind of reaction? One is sure it cant really be for real, bad times will recur, etc etc.

HVDY your DH was a star tonight - the roast, and the chat - well done him, given it initially went against the grain. 3 hours is quite a long time in the circs - well done you both - whatever drove your brother, it was positive tonight.

thinking of absent friends.

Hi all
Wyllow- Friday turned out to be a good one after all. I think you have these nice days and somehow can’t believe you’re allowed to have another one the next day- like it’s too good to be true. Try to allow yourself to have happy times - you deserve them.
An adventure awaits you next Friday- a good idea to have that bolt hole if you get tired.
No it’s not my writing hand thank goodness. It’s much better today.
Thank you for starting our new thread- you’re a star.
Doodle- yes Good Friday has always had that emotional feeling- glad you had a lovely service. Hope you are doing something nice today.
SweetPeaSue- funerals always awaken many conflicting feelings . They are an end and a beginning - hope your DiL is not finding it too hard.These first weeks without her Mum are so difficult.
Never regret your posts - true feelings negative or positive come from the heart - and yours is a big one..
HVDY- The evening with your brother went very well by the sound of it. Your DH sounds very good natured and it can’t have been easy for him initially.
Yes it is a weird thing with my hand but Dr Google said it can happen. Once in 83 years isn’t bad😀
So easy to make a mistake with appointments - we all hve too many!!
Nadateturbe,EllieAnne - thinking of you both and sending love to allx

Unexpected sun here too! The forecast says we are having Storm Dave and heavy rain. But better sleep again, took my time getting going (I have to do this eye thing twice a day to heat eyelids and drain the goo, it’s tedious but worth it) and found the gym just right, usual people, not busy.
Home bargains just now for some plants (v cheap, limited choice, but v good condition)
And wilting over a Costa.

I didn’t say, but tricky QuakerD has told male Quaker G about MrA. G is one of the key people but not in the know, but indications were he’d guessed some.
It was nagging away at me, don’t trust D to give full picture at all, so wrote to G as ‘follow up’ and feel more peace of mind since.

It’s playing it by ear, isn’t it? Know when to act and when to leave, but it feels like a moving on thing.

I’m glad it’s not your writing hand Scaredycat. That would have been so restrictive. Are you doing wiggly finger things as it gets better? I actually pretend to be playing the piano on the car wheel or the table or arm chair?

I’m sure it looks major weird at the gym when I add it to an ordinary stretch.

Did you see family today and how is Sis doing now?

Wyllow3 Thanks for starting this new thread. I didn't know how to. Magnolia trees are beautiful, aren't they? The flowers don't last long, which is a shame. It'll be good for you to go and see your family next week. How long will it take to get there? What plants did you get from Home Bargains? I need to get some but am waiting until the winds have eased off - the weather should be getting better from Monday.

ScaredyCat My husband is great - he never complains, doesn't slag anyone off, is quite relaxed and laid-back (everything I'm not). I'm glad your hand feels better today. Have you been out?

Lazy day today - I like to have odd days when I don't wear make-up and can lounge about. Hope everyone has been ok x

A climbing white flowering Jasmin, about 2ft high: two large pretty viola trays for the front and back door pots: two flowering hebe bushes in 9 aLocally they are in vv good condition but little choice.
I'll like putting the little pretty violas out but otherwise wait to potter when the gardener comes. It's too big and intimidating a task alone and I'd rather use my energy at my sociable gym.

It's nice to lounge and not have to make the effort, I'm glad you took the day out. Your DH sounds very "chilled" when it comes to situations like your brother, but you are the glue that holds the family together x

Missed a bit out - all those came to £35.

Thankyou Wyllow for starting our new thread.

HVDY I love Magnolia trees too but especially the Magnolia Stellarta ( not sure if that's spelt right). Ive always wanted one so when I saw one today I bought it. They have pale pink star like flowers - but you're probably right to hold back until strong winds are over. I hope mine is OK in a little corner until I plant it. Your DH sounds such a kind soul.
Scaredycat You are so right about funerals( Ill try and see their beginning)
We were invited for dinner tomorrow at son and DILs. It will be sad I think and I feel awkward about it ( texted son to tell him its ok if they need to back out of it)
DILs mum always sat next to me in the same place at the table - we will all miss her there.
What a lovely thing to say about my heart -- and I really cant believe you are 83! Glad the hand is a lot better.
* Wyllow* I love those little Jasmine flowers. I have a winter Jasmine , the one with Yellow flowers. I hope yours fairs well for yrs to come. Those plants were a real bargain. Your Botanical Gardens sound such a lovely place to walk and I could picture those waving Magnolia petals. So glad you're seeing your family soon.
Im not sure about my good days with bad days following - Ive not taken much notice but my feelings inside take over at times though mostly I hide them as Im aware quite a lot of people genuinely dont feel too introspective about things. I have quite dark thoughts and can think the worst so it seems a constant battle with myself. Im hating my body too right now.
Glad Quaker G is in the know about things regarding Mr A. Little by little and things will get better Im sure.
* Doodle* Hope your day has been OK with lots of company. Isn't it great when a son will just call in like that. Might you be going to your son's for dinner or something else tomorrow?
* EllieAnne*Nadateturbe Thinking about you both.

Took my aunt out to garden centre this morning. She liked looking at various things there and we had a coffee and toasted t-cake while DH had a bacon sandwich. She's going to her DDs tomorrow, though she wondered if today was Easter Day.

My son and DIL asked if we wanted to join them on a break in a holiday lodge not too far from here on NY moors. Ous will be next to theirs and my DGS and little SGD will be there. It was decided before the funeral and I think it might be difficult but will try our hardest to go with the flow. I might need to nap at times and DH hasn't been great today.
Anyway its just for 3 nights starting Monday. Little SGD is only 6 and will miss her nana as she went last time. Ill try.my best though expecting some awkward times.

Wishing all a peaceful night and a nice Easter time whatever your plans. Love x


*

Thanks for opening up Wyllow. Can’t believe we’re on number 29.
How lovely you’re going to visit family. I hope it will do you good, put Mr A as far behind you as you can for a few days.
Sweetpeasue it is difficult to have a meal when someone who should be there isn’t. I have the same problem at our sons. I had to swap places with our DGD because sitting in my usual seat felt odd without DH beside me.
Pleased you’ve accepted their invitation to a little break. It may be more difficult for you than your SGD. children sometimes see things differently. It will be nice for the family to have you there,
HVDY your Dh sounds like a peaceful companion. Not one to cause any problems. Your family all seem to get on. Hope you have a nice Easter.
Scaredycat I was at church again today doing the flowers (badly) I’m hopeless but they were short handed so I went to help. Be back again tomorrow for the Easter Sunday service then off to sons for lunch. Are you seeing family tomorrow?
Ellie Anne and Nadateturbe thinking of you both.

It will probably be difficult at times when you go away on Monday, but please feel..it's OK to say, I'm having/I need an afternoon nap. Perhaps you could actually tell them in advance.

It's not just the nap, it's the break from full on "being with people". Being next door makes it possible..."Gran is having her nap" - they do accept it.
Well done for taking Aunt out. It sounds like she enjoyed it?

Those dark times and the inner battle down the black hole- yes, and the self hater -in one form or another.....I do need to share the worst bits when it's frightening.
One can know that one catastrophises (sp) but not stop it.

all I do know is that things can get better, and that the will to survive is very, very strong.

I hope tomorrow is all that Easter Sunday can be, Doodle, although there will be bitter sweet elements for you. I'm glad there is sons after, thinking of you "After that".

Wyllow3 Jasmine has a gorgeous scent. Violas are very pretty, aren't they? The price was quite good. I might look for a couple of shrubs for the back garden, as well as small plants for tubs.

SweetpeaSue Your aunt must love going out with you and your husband. Is she getting all the help she needs? I hope you can get away for a break and spend time with your son and his family. Children are very resilient, and little ones don't think the same way we do.

Doodle I hope your church service goes well and that you have a lovely lunch with your son and his family. Lamb?

The 2 foxes came last night. I think now that one is female, as it looks a bit smaller than the other. Perhaps we'll see cubs in a couple of months. Jaffa woke me at 2.45, wanting to go out! I left him downstairs but was dozing on and off until 5.3o so got up then. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Hi all
Doodle- oh the empty place at table - I don’t think I,ll never not miss my Son at a
Family table and feel sad at all the celebrations he has missed over the years. I understand your changing places.
I have zero flower arranging skills- take off the paper and plonk them in a vase! They wouldn’t let me loose in a Church. Your Church must have
looked lovely this morning.
We are going to one of the village pubs for late lunch with DD and SiL and GD3 and partner. I hope you have a nice lunch with your Son and family.
This morning I watched a lovely programme about a young man from UK and his quest to meet the Pope- I think you would have enjoyed it.
SweetPeaSue- I think the beginning is starting a new life without the loved one there. So very hard but life is a precious gift to be treasured always.
Ah todays lunch will be sad but they wouldn’t have asked you if it they felt it would be too much.
Please go on the break with them if you can. The children will be happy to have you there and as others have said there minds work differently when they are small. You can always take time out in the other little cottage.
Your Aunt must have been so pleased to have a day out again. It doesn’t really matter which day she thinks it is as long as she’s happy. You are such kind people.
HVDY- we went to GD1 yesterday for an Easter get together with the family. Her DH loves to cook so had done all nice warm nibbles and salads etc. DD made a lovely Chocolate Cake with little eggs on it. It was so nice like a little Xmas- glad I didn’t put my hearing aids in though!!!
I hope there will be cubs in your garden- would that be a first?
Have a lovely Easter Sunday.
Wyllow- my Sis is doing well thank you. She is still in hospital but managing some steps with the help of a Zimmer. She’s another one who loves being busy unfortunately the last few years of terrible illness have taken their toll but there’s no stopping her on a good day .
Glad you feel the latest chapter in the MrA saga is a moving on one - always best to play things by ear.
Your words are powerful and have much positivity in them- things will get better.

Love to all on this Easter Sunday 🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣

Hello everyone.
I’ve had a horrible week car problems tv problems dishwasher problems and all down to me as usual.
Plus the lonlieness and despair.
None of the church services have touched me at all.

Many sympathies, EllieAnne. your everyday life is hard, and more so, when trying just to cope and koko, that all those practical and sometimes costing money things descend at the same time. In that state, it is hard indeed to feel reached by any faith x

Glad to read about your Sis, Scaredycat, she sounds a determined soul. Have a lovely family day.

My, that was early, HVDY, Jaffa's inner clock needs some adjustment. I expect you are seeing family today?

I had a bad night. Quakers in the meeting did "reach" me, but I am very afraid in 2 weeks time when MrA appears people will greet warmly cos I know how I feel, I never want to see him again, and dont see why I should have to frankly.

I'm very tired and lonely indeed today. Fed up of keeping going as in just when I am working through the MA thing and its done so much emotional damage (tho I have survived without going into a very severe bipolar depression, which I may not have done before)....

but of course my ?? dodgy eye thing, it seems so unfair to come along now: I hope Tuesday evenings appointment gives me the all clear so I can go ahead with trying to rebuild as spring turns to summer.

I woke up after a sleep and yes - I have been managing to squish down worries for that appointment on Tuesday that he will find the thingy in my eye is a tumour or pre-cancerous: awoke in panic and dread:

and it really highlights to me how alone I feel as I don't have a friend I can ring.

when I stopped being depressed last June of course one of my main aims was to pick up relationships with people - through the gym, through Quakers, and through a political group.

The exhaustion and muddles with MrA and fallout and exhaustion put paid to that idea: I have a couple of very old friendships (ie in Christmas cards "we must meet up" and actually meaning it) I was going to arrange meets with (some travel involved, so its not just an hour or so locally).

It was poignant when I was in hospital no one came to see me. I could have course asked son but it wasn't serious enough and I knew after 30 hours when I surfaced it wouldn't be that long.

Doc sis will, bless her, repeat, "the odds are small" because that is how she would cope, she can hold that in her mind.

Quakers this morning - well I've only just started with re building relationships. A sudden announcement - didn't feel right, because as with others at the gym, only if and when it is an actuality. And other concerns for others there where its definite like someone has had to be sectioned.

and of course, these things usually surface at the weekend or bank holiday weekend when my MH people are not working.

Ellie Anne I can understand you’re not being moved but the church services. You don’t have much joy in your life and it’s hard to see where joy can come from in your relationship. You sound flat and disillusioned with life. The only thing I can think of is anti depressants but I know you’re not keen.
Wyllow of course you’re worried about your appointment. hope all is well and Tuesday will put your mind at rest. Hope you can regain faith in your Quaker group and start to feel more comfortable there,
Church was lovely today. I’m losing track of what day of the week it is having been at church every day since Wednesday. Good service to day and nice chat after.
Sadly no lunch today. DS1 and his wife are both sick possible food poisoning so reluctantly had to cancel. I spent a peaceful afternoon drawing,
Scaredycat I too am a “plonker” when it comes to flower arranging. The church did look nice though. We had loads of flowers and a decorated cross which was beautiful.
Glad your sis is doing ok. Sounds like you had a lovely time with your DGd and her family.
HVDY no, no lamb or any kind of roast I’m afraid. Too ill to cook. Of course I understand. Sorry not to be seeing family but you can’t help these things. If you have fox cubs soon you’ll be running a fox hotel. They must trust you coming back for food all the time.
Sweetoeasue I do hope you go with the family tomorrow and have a good time. Try to relax and enjoy the company of your DGs and SGD. you need a break

Wyllow You're stronger than you think and have a great ability to form relationships with others. You have made friends at Quakers ( perhaps newish ones ) and the Gym , you have a good Costa with chats. I know none of this means a lot when you're so low though and of course the holiday when lots of people with family accentuates loneliness for many who are just spending it quietly .
The Mr A thing has been a dreadful blow but I believe you can rise above it somehow. Just know you are not alone , though you might feel it. Your sis would welcome a call if you need to talk, Im sure.
Sorry, Im not sure what to say. Without seeming to be dismissive of your fears, I honestly think the odds on it being serious with your eye are v low though , of course, its easy to say when its not myself. I know I was positive the lump on my tongue was def cancer and even when it was removed and I had to go back for the result , when I walked into the room and consultant said it was benign, I actually thought I hadn't heard correctly- he had to repeat himself, I was so shocked.
All you can do is keep telling yourself it will be OK.
To feel lonely , as you know, one can be amongst family and still feel that loneliness. I think its a space within that feels a fear of aloneness in whatever form.

Its a shame your usual MH people aren't there to talk today. Might they be there tomorrow? Stick with the positive thoughts and maybe listen to your fav music.
We are here.
I understand but haven't the right words.
Your garden will be lovely this summer with your new plants. Your son will be so pleased you are going to visit, though just think of today and tomorrow right now. Tomorrow might feel so much better. .hugs.x

EllieAnne Oh Im so sorry youve had such a bad week with so much that needed attending to. It doesnt seem fair its always on your shoulders. Never put upurself down as you are a very capable lady and you deal with so many things. Only natural you are fed up of that.
Car problems are a real pain aren't they.
Sometimes we just cant take any more. Yet hang on in there.
Hope you can have a nice calming drink and theres something to watch on TV tonight. Just get through tonight.
I hope the Spring might help and you can get some better weather for your special walks. You can speak to God on those and may find some peace. I truly hope so. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Hugs for you too.x

Oh dear Doodle Your son and DIL must be feeling terrible. Hope they feel better tomorrow when it gets out of their system. So glad youve had such nice services at church.
The empty place at the table this afternoon sort of stayed for a while before dinner was served, then I sort of sided over into it , then wished I hadn't but would look more obvious if I changed so stayed there. You're right about children- little SGD was quite chippy and we laughed at her jokes. DGS was cuddly too.
I can't say I feel ready or energetic enough for any holiday though but it might be good for son and his wife. We'll play it by ear. Hope you have a peaceful night.
HVDY Think Doodle might be right about a fox hotel if any cubs show up! How lovely though if they do. I wonder how long they are pregnant for - must look it up.
Oh naughty Jaffa- you must feel so tired.
Aunt is having 3 carers a day thanks and someone from age UK to come and chat with her weekly. My DIL asked today about how SS's assessment went. She was offered sheltered housing but didnt want that. D IL is MH nurse for older people and she says its often the case that care homes aren't offered until things are very desperate these days. Im sure you will know lots about the situation yourself. Happy Easter.x

ScaredyCat You had a nice tea at your GD's, made even better by having your daughter's chocolate cake! We have had fox cubs, many years ago - that mother fox, before she had the cubs, used to come into our kitchen and allow me to hand-feed her (the 3 cats we had then used to just sit and watch). All animals in the wild have tough lives, and I like to help if I can. Did you go out today? I'm glad your sister is getting on well. She sounds very determined to keep going as best as she can.

EllieAnne Your life seems so miserable. Is there no way at all you and your husband could get on, even briefly? Have you got the car and tv sorted out? How's the weather been there?

Wyllow3 Loneliness must be terrible, especially when the media etc., portrays Easter etc., as happy, family times. You have made friends at the gym, Costa, and Quakers, so I hope you'll see or speak with someone tomorrow or Tuesday. The weather is supposed to get warm from tomorrow, so perhaps you'll go out to the park? For a bike ride? The fear about your eye being something to worry about is natural, but I'll bet it'll turn out to be something that can be treated easily. I hope you sleep ok tonight - tomorrow is a new day. Not long until you visit your family.

Doodle What rotten luck for your son and his wife being unwell. Glad you had a nice time at church.

SweetpeaSue Enjoy your break away, as much as you can. The change will do you both good.

A nice day at Clumber Park with the family - apart from a brief hailstones shower, it was dry, although very windy. LG went on a roundabout but then kept shouting "Get off" as it went round . The other GC all went on the Dodgems. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Scaredycat So sorry , I missed you out! Can't think how that happened.
Hope your lunch with DD and SIL was lovely. I didnt see the programme with the pope on with Easter message though I did see the service at Ripon Cathedral which was beautiful. Its not that far from us and it has such a friendly feel to it when you go inside. These buildings are amazing aren't they. Hope your dear sis continues to improve- she's such a fighter isnt she.x

Your words were very good indeed, Sweetpeasue. The loneliness has been creeping up on me really. I cant let go of the anger either: last September, I was ready after getting back into things, including doing some volunteering for an art group that supports - ironically - women who have been assulted or abused:

I had to give that up, along with going up to the family at Christmas: even then, I hope that the Restorative Justice would give a resolution, but it hasn't really -

MrA is so concerned to protect his ego, he cannot feel remorse or accept the damage he did with that moments act, or perhaps even more, the inventions and lies that stood in the way of getting the support I needed from fellow Quakers.

I've been so ill on and off Mental Health wise basically since sliding down around 1997 and finally when everything went into the black hole in 2004, under the care of MH since 2002.

I'm fed up: I wanted to rebuild a life and I had thought maybe there would be one more chance at a partner: it's a very long time since 1997.

There was the period of happiness with Ex for 4 years but he was gradually putting me down more and more: we got through one major Manic episode of his, a mad crazy time but the one in 2021 it imploded: I've never known such a time in my whole life, police, abuse, money disappearing..pleas of suicidality so I pushed hard to get him housing then abuse the next moment through that year.

Its nice to recover some of the life before, by talking to first DH, much of which I had forgotten, because of being given ECT in 2004 (completely inappropriate for me: I needed therapy which of course I got starting in 2008)

- but probably half that time between 1997 and now has been spent in suicial depressive episodes. I was 50 in 2001 and now am 75, it's a big chunk of life, although not unsusal in MH.

And I missed a big chunk of DS's life - I hardly saw him for many years I was so withdrawn (and also protecting him, at 21 on, against how I was inside - I have seen mothers leaning on their children, especially when I was an inpatient, and even threatening them with suicide, or making them worry all the time)

I'm glad I never did that, but it has created "Gaps".

But yes, music is still "speaking" to me, classical music speaks to my soul when the soul is available, I'm very fortunate in that indeed.

I didnt know that DiL was a CPN for older people: (it depends if she is helping people with dementia or people with eternal MH, two separate departments)
Older Adults starts at 65 and I see people like your DiL. Resources are very, very short, unless you can afford to supplement it.

But...well, unless your aunt is deemed not to have capacity, its not just shortage of resources, she has the right to make decisions for herself.

Doodle I passed the Sally Army lovely Easter Sunday display outside their building, huge, happy, celebration, and thought of you in the church, which I expect looked lovely. (I plonk flowers in, too). I'm sorry you missed your family - tonight must have been difficult.

That did interrupt the flow for others, but I really needed to tell the story of my life for that large chunk of time -early 50's on.
It really matters I can alleviate the pattern to get the "best from the rest.

do speed read and feel free NOT to comment it helped me getting it out.

Wyllow Im glad that it helped writing that. You've broken down those areas in your life and trying to put it all in some sort of context.
Sometimes there isnt anything we can do to get those yrs back and your mental illness has been so severe that youve done your best at the time and I know there are yrs lost in my own life where I'd like to have done better through difficult circumstances.
You had no choice but to leave your ex as he would have brought you further down and you helped him by getting him somewhere to live. You have done more than most.
There's still time to perhaps have a partner though you need to be in a better place mentally. Your anger over the Mr A episode will eat you up and take so much energy. I say this because I know myself how much bitterness Ive ft over consultants lies and gaslighted. I can still feel v angry that I cant contest their lack of care for my DH. I might have been able to do that if Id not had the previous experience of how impossible it is to stand up to the NHS wrongs.
Im glad you have the connection with your music - you need that calm.
Yes, my DIL works in MH services though she helps mainly Dementia patients and diagnosis.
The volunteering for that art group may still be on the cards for you when you feel ready. Im sure you'd meet more friends there too.
Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Love to all and hope everyone is ok . Tomorrow is meant to be a nice one weather-wise.
Just packed up and ready to leave. DH has already had to take spray. Crossed fingers this wont be touch for him.
Take care x

Sorry, last line- too much.

Wyllow3 You have been through some very tough times - and got through them. Anger is a very destructive emotion, and sometimes a pointless one, as it doesn't change things. I was very angry that the hospital gave me the wrong drug when I was in a coma - sending my BP to 350 top figure! (they told me afterwards about it, and there was an inquiry (they did that, not at my request or anything). I firmly believe that's what caused my stroke, but obviously, nobody would admit that. It took quite a long time for me to stop thinking about it, but I had to. It's not too late for you to find a new partner, if that's what you want. You lost a lot of time with your son and his family. Those people are precious, and I expect they would like to see you more often. That could be your goal.

SwetpeaSue Hope you and your husband manage to have a nice time.

I didn't go out today - I changed both beds, had the washer on 3 times and got it all dry outside. Hoovered the whole house. LG and GD1 tomorrow. Hope everyone has a restful night x