Difficult daughter-in-laws

I know where you are coming from GtGran, and fully respect what you are saying. But you are only seeing what happens when you are there, and quite often this is not a good indication of what happens when you are not!

My point was that there isnt a division of labour,we as feminists fought hard for equality but younger women seem not to have embraced the political and just the personal.
I think its wonderful that my sons and grandsons have grown into men who want to take on their fair share and are able to but watching it onesided we do wonder how the majority of younger women seem to get away with the life of leisure while its our nice sons who do the double day. Equality was never ever about turns but watching all individuals to respect the rights of others.

Helshea,
Of course its not always the DiLs fault !
As the more mature and experienced,..the MiL should be more aware, especially if she had a MiL herself when she was younger .

Both MiL & DiL should make an effort to get on but sadly,.. One, The other, or Both are competing instead of trying to build a relationship.

My MiL was horrible to me - and I am sad to say - I was bloody awkward with her too. I regret that now because I should have not been so stubborn, However, I was young and insecure and now I am a MiL myself I have not made the same mistake with my son's wife.

I have just joined gransnet having been a mumsnetter for a while under a different name.I have a d-i-l a s-i-l and 2 step d-i-l's I get on very well with all of them but the relevant comment to this debate is my relationship with my daughter's m-i-l who is a lovely woman.When the first grandchild was born she said,'I know I'll always be number two granny.'I found this so sad and said,'No we'll be first equal.'My daughter really loves her m-i-l[who has 2 sons and no daughters]they have fun together and I think she appreciates the advice of an older woman who doesnt have the same emotional involvement with her as I do.We share child care as I wanted a regular committment but she didnt.However she likes overnighters and will always do emergencies.Its about sharing-there's enough love for everyone and as mothers of grown up daughters we should encourage them to form sold relationships with their m-i-l.
My own d-i-l is Turkish and they live in Turkey.She was wary of me at first but is always warm and welcoming now.

I hate to say this, but one or two of these posts make me cringe.... sometimes its quite obvious why the mother in law and daughter in laws don't get on, and plainly it is not always the DILs fault. People aren't always likeable even if they are the mother of the man you love. Sorry

Thank you Lucy

I love it that Kaylum is so adored and surrounded by people who love him - it can only be good for him to have all of his family around him and to feel that they all pull together ... and that's what it's about really - the children

It helps that 'S' (my daughter's MIL) is a lovely person - I would hate to feel that either she feels pushed out or that my daughter and son in law feel that they have to juggle each 'side' of the family ... it's hard enough bringing up young children without having to worry about everyone else's feelings as well.

So much easier if the grandparents themselves are pro-active in making things run smoothly and taking the pressure off!

"grannyrosie" keep smiling.....take care hope the future becomes brigthter for you all as time moves on..[]

I try to make my Daughter in Law the same as my Daughter and include them both in what we do,as I didnt want DIL to feel an outsider as can so easily happen, but to feel she is a valued member of our family.

But that old saying is true in the respect that my Daughter by choice seeks out my company, where as my son does not seem to need the same kind of contact since he was married, his sounding board is now his wife, which I only right.

Nonna2

Lovely post, you sound like a really nice lady, who can see both sides of the coin.

When ive read posts on here about DILs who are unreasonable, or who dont get along with the ILs i cant help but wonder just how much of this animosty is down to the parents inability to accept another into their family.

Relationships with ILs are formed long before any wedding or partnership takes place. My MIL was a wonderful woman, and my best friend and i certainly dont put that down to just me being friendly with her, but also her ability to open up her heart and her home to a woman who was about to take 1st place in her DS's life.

It takes two to tango but at the same time three doesnt have to be a crowd

Having been treated very shabbily if not actually cruelly by my parents in law and by my MiL particularly, I am careful to seek out and enjoy the good in my son's partners.

I know how horrid it can be to be kicked around emotionally because 'you dared to marry her son' and I wont let it happen to another women in my life.

This is not the same problem the OP has but family dynamics are complex and shaded by all kinds of past influences.

When my MiL was dying she asked me to forgiver her for being 'wicked'.

I agree entirely Nonna2. I never understand keeping families separate and the DIL never seeing her MIL on her own-always with DH because 'she has to'. I often had both lots together and my mother saw my PIL on her own. Make friends-long before there are any children. The important thing, in my mind, is to have a relationship of your own that has nothing to do with your partner.
I think 'only a son until he gets a wife' is utter rubbish! (unless you get a controlling, insecure DIL)

Having had difficulties with both of my MILs I've always been profoundly aware that one day it will be my turn to be 'the wicked witch of the West" to my son's future partner.... when he was first born I actually used to say to him "one day your wife is going to hate me" LOL.

My Grandson is my daughter's child and I'm lucky in that we have a very close Mother/Daughter relationship and she lives very close by. I was there when Kaylum was born and I get to see him most days even if it's just for 10 minutes or so.

BUT I'm always aware that he has another Nanny who loves him just as much as I do and that she needs to be included by me if my daughter and son in law aren't to feel torn and she isn't to feel left out.... so I made friends with her: If we are having a family BBQ then his other Grandparents are invited, she pops in for coffee if she's passing and we keep in touch and collaborate on helping our kids out, on surprises and presents and generally try to be a kind of support tag team so that we can both fit in work and other commitments (for example my daughter is expecting our 2nd Grandchild in October ... I've booked a 4D scan as a surprise for them but I can't go - so she is going instead - I'll watch the DVD lol).

I can't help but think that us mothers of the dreaded daughter in laws have a responsibility to make sure that all of our grandchildren's relatives are included in their lives where possible. If we can make their partner's mothers welcome into our own families then they will too. Personally, having had parents who were not really interested in my children, I get a real kick out of having all of the people who love Kaylum best around him and seeing just how surrounded by family he is

I think the old saying " A son is a son 'till he finds him a wife a daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life." is so true, my children are so typical to this saying.

My dear Mil was very nice when we were "courting" but as soon as we announced our engagement she went on the defensive and even to the point she was not coming to the wedding.

It took us until my Ds was born to get over our differences and we became the best of friends, I miss her so much since she has passed away, all I can say to all mother in laws and daughter in laws, learn to live with each other as individuals and not enemy's fighting for the sons attention, you might find your best friend!!!!

Since my husband retired he has taken over the ironing and he really is very good at it.

Am loving reading all this!

I have a lovely daughter-in-law who sadly lost her first baby last year - he lived for six days. Both she and my son have been incredibly brave over the whole situation and together raised £11,000 for the premature baby unit. She is now 14 weeks pregnant and we are all crossing our fingers.

She works full time and I shall be around to help when she returns to work - she wouldn't expect me to do it all the time as the baby will go to nursery. We discuss what suits us all best. Her mum doesn't live locally.

I look after their dog on and off during the day and their way of thanking me is to take me out for a meal now and then or I might get a surprise present - if there was any sort of friction I would be very sad. What they do in their home is their business, but I know that they are a good team - a friend and I have a good motto - "zip it", ie keep your thoughts to yourself!

Fair point grey haired. You have put it more eloquently than me.

I know one husband who paints his wifes toenails for her

But GtGran's complaint was that the younger men were doing all the domestic stuff, while the young women sat about painting their nails/fbing.

Im 63 i was born in 1947, my father pushed me in my pram every sunday morning, so my mum could prepare lunch and have a bit of peace. When in 1960 my mother gave birth to twins, he changed nappies, washed clothes and did housework and always shared with the cooking. My mother was a housewife and only returned to work when all her children were in school, and old enough to look after themselves

My own husband pushed my childrens prams in 68 nd 71, he too was a good cook, and contributed his fair share to the housework as well, I was a housewife too, and i would often take the children out to visit friends for the day, and come home and find he had hoovered right through and washed the kitchen floor.

I dont think it has anything to do with the times, its more to do with the environment some people grew up in. We all live by example, and i blame the women who have allowed their husbands to continue with an antiquated attitude to women, and rearing their male offspring to believe that women are only there to look after them.

After WW II many women were not prepared to go back to being the slave of the household and there husbands, and many men appreciated that women were equally as capable, (sometimes more so) and certainly equal in status to men. The days of women pandering to the whims of their husbands, has long gone, but there will still be some who are still living in the age of the dinosaur, and thats the fault of their mothers, because they have allowed their sons to see their own subservient behaviour towards their own husbands and have allowed their own sons to believe this is how things should be.

Yes, I read her comments, and I agree, she's a little old-fashioned. What do you expect on "gransnet"? The notion of an equal split of work is new; although there have always been some men who willingly took on household tasks, it's not that long ago that a man pushing a pram in public was an amazing sight, to be gossiped about for hours (much of it questioning his masculinity.)

If he actually changed nappies (especially a daughters), there would be wondering looks. And anything as intimate as handling a woman's dirty laundry, well!

Society has changed at an amazing rate, just in the past 50 years or so. When I was a child (I'm 49) most people still went to church on Sundays, and all the shops were shut. Sunday afternoons were for quietly reading indoors, there was no daytime TV. Women were expected to give up work upon marriage, and a divorcee had failed to keep her man. "Unmarried mums" were beyond the Pale.

I'm glad we've moved on from a lot of that, but can't you see how strange it all seems to some people nowadays? You've no need to be rude about it.

Sorry gr gran is being ridiculous!
Have you read her comments. "even wash And dry the girls clothes" shock horror!!!!!

In our house we have an equal division of labour. I suspect gt gran only sees what she wants to see!

Harrypotterfan, are you on the right forum? I think bratsnet is -> that way.

I am very lucky as I get on very well with my DIL and she lets me see the grandchildren as much as I want. As my daughter lives abroad I enjoy having the company of my DIL.

Ha ha ha gtgran!!!!!
Imagine that. The men doing the work. Call the police quick
Maybe their wives deserve a break on holiday

Uabvvvvvvu. My god!

My older daughterin laws,I was very close to. But these younger ones are the total limit.
My sons and grandsons cook wash and clean even wash and dry the girls clothes,we were all on holiday once and one particular daughter in law stayed in bed while my son packed and decanted hundreds of small items in plastic bags for security.
I alwasy say the only thing these modern girls seem able to do is "get Ready" then they rush out leaving a mess everywhere. I even held a weekend once what my grandson called a grannys sleepover. We discussed all weekend how being feminists we had made our sons too nice and a complete walkover because these young women didnt understand the politics of liberation just the opportunity for an easy life.
Many of us are amazed at the young men we have brought up being absolute skivvies whilst their girlfriends plaster their faces with make up or sit for hours on facebook