left with an elderly aunt I don't know

My sentiments too Liberadi Get social services to do what they are paid for.nanarosie you need to take care of yourself or you will be unable to be of any use to your family. No one should feel guilty, one can only do so much

nanarosie this may sound harsh but if you've not had any contact with your aunt for 30 years I think you should just back off, leave whatever she needs doing to social services, look after your own health and that of your close family. That sounds awful now that I've written it down but you have enough to worry about with caring for your Mother in law, daughter and grandchildren and you can't do everything.

FlicketyB has experienced a similar situation and gives some good advice and I agree that your closer family's needs (and your own) should be your priority.

Take care.

many thanks for kind comments. I don't have any brothers or sisters and since my parents have both passed away in the last year I am the only family left. I did find a lovely lady to help her who had all the police checks etc and arranged everything with her and my aunt who then rang her up and was extremely rude and told me why pay anyone when i would do things for nothing. Both her and my uncle never had anyone into the flat, didn,t speak to the very nice neighbours and were generally quite horrid to one and all. There is lots of money so that is not the problem but she won't spend it. I am happy to help mil especially since she has had a stroke and need a bit of care but just wnat to see the children more as one of them is teminally ill with a very bad heart condition and my daughter is just recovering from menengitis. Sounds like a bad soap opera - just that lots of things have come at once - but the guilt feelings are very strong - a left over from my mother I thing - arch manipulator that one! Thanks again for kind comments

Nanarosie, I understand your situation. A few years ago I had to take over the care of an aunt and uncle in an emergency when I already had demanding commitments to parents and grandchildren. I at least had ties of affection to my aunt and uncle.

There is no easy exit and the pressures of emotional blackmail are not easy to resist, but you must, otherwise you will have a breakdown, and that will make the situation even worse. In my case after 8 weeks of providing intensive daily care we hit a second crisis and my uncle and aunt were bundled, I can use no other word, into a care home. It caused them great distress for nearly three months and they would not see me for over a month but they settled and. although my uncle has since died I still visit my aunt every few weeks.

The practicalities. Grit your teeth and tell your aunt that you can only visit, say, once a month and call in Social Services. They have a statutory duty to do a Care Assessment, although they will do everything they can to wriggle out of it, especially when there is an involved relative. Speak to your local Age UK, they may well have a caseworker who can help you, I was such a volunteer caseworker for 10 years. Their online site has many helpful Fact Sheets including one on Care Assessments. But mainly, just continually remind yourself that your nearer relatives have priority and you simply cannot do everything.

Gosh that is a terrible situation to find yourself in. Why did your Aunt not have any friends? Have you contacted Social Services as it looks like they need to be involved. You can't put your life on hold and look after an Aunt you hardly know but it is difficult to walk away.

have you brothers or sisters who could be asked to share the problem?
also "Age Concern" and social services should be contacted.
plus a well done to you for caring enough to ask for help