I think I worry too much about my family, but don't know how to stop.

We're all so very different in many respects, but have lots of things in common, too. I, also, would have gone rushing over to the hospital if my son had had an accident when rock climbing and broken his ankle. He might have needed some practical or emotional support and in my family it is the familiar face of mums, dads, sisters, brothers that we turn to when accidents happen or there is a crisis. But, as I say, we are all different and that's fine.

I am confident that I don't need to worry about my grown up daughters and I'd take exception to any suggestion that I don't care just because I don't worry. I cared for them and educated them and watched them grow up into confident, practical, sensible adults. I still have one at home who has to grow through the teenage years, but I'm not worried about her either and hope I shall never have to. The prognosis is good at the moment (she's intelligent and sensible most of the time) and I'm keeping my fingers crossed carrying on educating her and hoping she'll turn out OK — be able to run her own life.

Most of the time I don't know the details of what my grown up daughters are doing and I don't feel the need to either. They tell me what they want to tell me when they want and I tell them what I want to tell them when I want. I'm never waiting for a call or a text or an email and neither are they. They are like other adult friends — except with the qualifier 'special' inserted before 'friend' — and as with my other friends, I would hate them to take me for granted just as much as I'm sure they'd hate me to take them for granted. I feel sorry for people who don't have this freedom in their relationship with their grown up kids. It must greatly add to life's stresses not to have it.

To put it another way, my view is that my kids don't owe me anything and all I owe them is what I can give them without mucking my own life up. Constant worry about them would muck my life up. How would I feel if they'd been disasters instead of successes? Who knows?

I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't really about parents' confidence in themselves as effective parents as well as their confidence in their children's ability to lead successful lives as independent adults, by which I mean without mum or dad having to step in and help out except in emergencies or drastic life shocks such as happened to GA's daughter. By all means we should continue to relate to our children as much as we and they want and is convenient, but I certainly would be horrified to think that my adult kids needed my help just for getting on with their ordinary lives. That would mean that I had been a failure as a parent. Nightmare thought! All that hard work gone to waste!

Here's an example of what I would call unnecessary worry. I was climbing in North Wales one time with a guy who was twenty-five years old and, at the time, a doctoral student at university. We had made our way part way up a rock face only to find that we couldn't go any further so we back-tracked. He went down first. I waited on a four-inch ledge. I saw him about to put his weight on a pillar of rock that I had noticed was wobbly on the way up, but before I could shout to him not to put his weight on it, he had, and it had toppled, he had fallen, and part of the rock had landed on his ankle and broken it. The rock fall also removed my easy way down. Anyway, to cut the story short, we got help (shouting; no mobiles), he was helicoptered to Bangor hospital and I was helicoptered to where we'd left the car, from whence I drove to Bangor. The ankle needed an op for a pin to be inserted so I decided to ring his parents just to let them know. His mum came haring over to Bangor from Birmingham!!!!! WHAT?! For a broken ankle?!!!!! Ye gods! To be honest, I don't suppose I would have even told my parents until well after the event.

He told her to go home. We continued our holiday with him on crutches. We visited a lot of cafes . My friend emigrated to Canada as soon as he could after completing his doctorate and I think he still has the pin in his ankle.

Oh yes, I can relate to that twinge of anxiety when they come on the phone...
That is hard to stomach girlracer when have a lot on your plate. I think grandmothers can be a soft target. I remember my GD at 3, when her brother arrived, and I was the one that took her to nursery, giving it to me with both barrels. Complicated little creatures.
Maybe one suggestion would be to decide on a level of politeness you expect from a 6 year old and not buy sweets or stickers if you are not getting it. I hope that soon you will be able to laugh together.

Here's an example of a non worrying mother. Someone I know a few years ago had a son that fell for an Israeli girl. He went to live in Jerusalem with her at a time when there were very frequent bombings. I asked the mum if she worried "Oh no because if there is a bomb he always calls to let me know he is alright before I hear it on the radio". A few years later he and the girlfriend went to India where a/ they split up and b/ he got acute TB. I'd have been on the next plane but she seemed to take it all in her stride. Interesting how people are different isnt it.
(Well it is time i tried to go to sleep again, after my Mr Gove inspired insomnia attack - beats the hell out of worrying about kids though. Give me indignation any night of the week.)

This is a most interesting thread that clearly strikes a chord with many of us and reflects views from all sides ... I too had a mum who constantly checked up on me, worried about me (and my sister and brother) - and besides that, she always took our side, which you wouldn't think could be a bad thing, but it meant that no matter what the situation was, our partners got the blame for everything and we were always right and the other person always in the wrong. Not very healthy! It makes me smile to think that by comparing notes, her three children worked out that it wasn't really helping us! So we stopped running to her to report things. Now when my daughter complains about her (lovely but only human) partner, I am careful to listen and then sometimes say 'well maybe you could have handled that differently ...' etc and she often comes back to thank me. Whereas I frequently went back after a visit to my mum, fired up and geared for combat! But the thing I remember most about my mum, is how much she loved her children. As for inheriting the worry gene, when I start indulging in what I call 'sinking thinking' about my children (and there is much material for that at times) I make a conscious decision to change it. Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty ... now there's a contradiction in terms.

Girlracer, how distressing for you that your granddaughter is behaving in this way. However, she is only six and has been through a very difficult time which she probably can't understand very well so I hope you will be able to put up with the rejection and still be there for her regardless. Who knows what she is thinking in her little head. Sometimes we grans have to be steadfast in the face of great difficulty. Good luck with your granddaughter and your daughter.

Gillybob, I know - its very difficult. I said earlier that my partner would never tell his mother anything because she worried ridiculously,.. and he would get really annoyed with her about her fretting and worrying,.. but I did feel sorry for her and I used to ask him not to be so hard on her - he could have learned to tolerate it a bit more.
I am sure she would not have wanted to be the way she was and the last thing she needed was him being so snappy.

If she heard on the news there had been a motorway accident in our vicinity - or of someone getting hurt or murdered - she would ring him to make sure he wasn't the victim !

No you are not alone. My younger daughter has mental health issues which resulted in her being removed from the family home, leaving her now ex-husband to look after their two children, aged 4 and 5. Although things have settled down after a few months, with a lot of support from us, I still worry about her and what the future holds. Also I would like the advice of other grans - my granddaughter, a very bright now 6 year old, totally rejects me although I try to be a good gran (I have another granddaughter of 13 with whom I have always got on brilliantly). I feel like turning my back on the whole situation sometimes, I am a sensitive soul who gets really upset about being rejected, and the look of pure hatred on that little girl's face when I pick her up from school (her brother is absolutely fine and always pleased to see me). It seems I cannot do the right thing - I play with her,get her sweets and stickers and do things that Grans do but I get nothing back except cricitism. Do I plod on, or tell her straight that this is unacceptable behaviour?

gillybob - all the time I do the same as you, I think. I also know I get taken advantage of, but if I didn't do what I do, then 'they' (whoever has the problem at the time) would starve, be evicted, etc.....well, that's what I imagine would happen, anyway. (I didn't worry about them nearly as much when they were younger, either!) I can fight anyone's corner, though, that I do know - I think that comes with 'maturity'!

Wow supernana what a wonderful world that would be.

gillybob If only we GN could make good things happen for each other by simply wishing the bad bits away. I would love that.

maxgran I know you are right but I can't help it. My friend once said that you only worry about things that are out of your control, which I guess is true to a point. I didn't worry as much about my children when they were young and at home as I do now that they are grown up and effectively "out of my control". My parents health and my granny are again out of my control so I constantly worry about them. Its awful but I can't stop.

greenmossgiel What a coincidence ! My son said those exact words to me. "You can't solve everyone's problems so stop trying".

The thing is my son and his family seem to struggle along day in and day out, they never get a lucky break and I spend all my time trying to help them and sort things for them etc. I know I get taken advantage of but it makes ME feel better to know that at least I tried.

Oh why is life so damned hard?

And one from me too! This thread, and others, make me realise just how lucky I am. But, of course, it doesn't stop me worrying....just puts things into perspective. Love to you brave, lovely women.

Gadaboutgran Is it okay for me to send a virtual hug, and present you with a huge gold star...because you really do deserve both. x

Thanks greenmossgiel, his wounds have healed though I think he will be left with permanent scars. Eye seems alright. On a lighter note, so far today (it's just gone 8 a.m. ) there have been two requests, one to look for an envelope stuffed with money which DG thinks he's lost and another to walk my grandog (but I like doing that).

petallus - I'm really glad that I started this thread, because it's brought me so much comfort too. Sometimes you feel as if you're on your own with problems and no-one else has to deal with the same awful things. It's not the sort of thing you can talk about at work or such, either (though I'm retired now) - everyone else's family seems like the Waltons! On Gransnet we don't know each other and no-one can gossip about anything, because there's no 'gratuitous interest'. I know what you meant when you mentioned about the phone....it's hardly ever someone saying "I've had a brilliant day today, Mum!"
That must have been absolutely terrible for your grandson (and you) when he was so badly injured on holiday. I hope he's recovering well.

It is very moving to read some of the posts. Gadaboutgran I think you are doing a wonderful job and maxgran the thing that happened to your son was horrific. My grandson (who lives with us) was recently bottled in the face when he was abroad on holiday. He came home with awful cuts all down one side from his forehead to his neck and his eye narrowly missed serious injury. We've had a lot of stuff going on over the years, horrific divorces and so on. I try to be philosophical but I do still feel a twinge of apprehension when I pick up the phone, wondering if it will be a) bad news or b) someone needing something. It's a comfort to read how other people manage and to know I'm not alone.

Never-ending for you, Gadaboutgran. The fact that family and friends do not seem to understand the issues that raise their heads for the young family (and yourself) must make things so much more difficult for you. I can imagine you have little time for those who don't understand - it amazes me sometimes how blinkered people can be. There but for the grace, etc ....If a disability doesn't show itself in a way that can be actually seen, then some don't recognise it as being real. I'm glad Gransnet can help you sometimes, though.

When my daughter was at University in London, she often had spells of worrying behaviour as a result of bad MT and grief after her sister's sudden death just before the start of her course. One evening she phoned in a real state and something I said sent her into a whirl and she left the phone 'hanging' so I couldn't phone to check how she was (before mobile phones). I feared she may have harmed herself and having lost one daughter I didn't want to lose another without doing everything I could. I phoned the local Samaritans who suggested I phone the local police station. After a night of worry I eventually got a response only to find thaty she and her flat mate were having a good time chatting away & entertaining the policeman who went round to the flat.
It led to a few groundrules about how she loaded all her problems on me so she recovered and I was left in a state of anxiety. I'd like to think it was marked the detatchment from worry but then she married someone with Adult ADHD .. . and some of that is eslewhereon gransnet. Without our practical care, support and concern, enhanced by care for their two children, they would probably have been on the street by now. Instead they are pulling through step by step so I'm proud of how we've all been through the dark times together and there will be more. Doing other things as suggested didn't help as I didn't have the extra capacity to fulfil commitments & compassion fatigue has set in after a life time of being in difficult work with people. The situations we've been dealing with do not draw much understanding from family or friends. Off-loading on Gransnet helps as does regular exercise, contact with grandchildren and short breaks. I've got a load of coping strategies up my sleeve but none of them stop my stomach churning when the next crisis hits, though they help to subdue it quickly.

greenmossgiel...Oh how we suffer, and not always in silence.
Same son attended a boarding school. One weekend, house master phoned and asked - 'Where is he...?' It wasn't a weekend when he should have been out of school. I anticipated that he was possibly trying to visit his pal and rang pal's home. Pal's mum told me that her son was waiting on Totnes station for my son. I called station and put out an SOS - 'Will [son] please contact mother...URGENT' Message relayed over loud speaker. My son and his pal heard it...pretended it had nothing to do with either of them, and went to the cinema. Next DAY, my son phoned from school. His first words were, 'Mum that was sooooo embarrassing!' I gave him a good talking to. He replied that I sometimes 'over-react'. He had owned up to house master, a real GEM of a man, was given extra duties and detention as a punishment, and continued to thrive and do remarkably well for all his shenanigans.

Oh supernana!!!

JessM When my youngest son was in his teens and at Edinburgh Uni', he sent me a postcard from a remote island in the outer Hebrides. It read - 'Dear Mum, All well. Have moved out of digs and said farewell to uni' and all that jazz. I'm living in a commune, on a beautiful island, with my hippy soulmate who is carrying our love-child. Do you think Penumbra would be a suitable name? Much love as ever.'
I almost fainted with despair. In sheer panic I phoned his flatmate [now a doctor] who told me that all my son's property was still in situ. No mobile phones back then! After three totally miserable days, son 'phones. My first words were - "How could you..." Son seemed perplexed. I continued..."Why leave uni' and disappear into the back of beyond with what's her name - and aren't you far too young to think about becoming a father..." Then I started to sob. Son sounded all sheepish and apologised prefusely. "Mum, you're over-reacting. Nothing's changed. It was meant to be a joke!"
I still have the post card. Now that son is a fully-fledged, well-grounded adult, with a wee boy of his own, I intend passing it back to him.

gillybob - I do so know how you feel! My son once said to me, "Mum, you can't sort everything for everyone, so stop trying." He'd been through a terrible time as well as finding himself homeless and in dire financial straits. My daughter was struggling to keep her own house and her daughter, (my granddaughter) had just had a baby but her partner wasn't the 'caring' type, preferring to spend what money he had on alcohol. That was over a year ago when my son said that. I'd been trying to help them all, and I was frantic. It still goes on... and we're still here to tell the tale - as are they! Doesn't stop us worrying, though. What JessM said is so true, though - here we are sitting worrying and they are probably just fine - it's just that we only hear the bad stuff. They don't think to tell us of the good, fun stuff that happens to them. And Maxgran, I can really understand where you're coming from when you say that day-to-day ordinary worries were put into perspective. You'd had a terrible experience (your poor lad, bless him), and are so thankful to have had him recover so well. It's just the way we're made though, and we can't help that, can we!

Anybody else ever felt like a twit when they have been worrying away about their offspring only to discover that they have been having the most fantastic time... I remember for instance DS1 taking himself off to Corfu on his own with nowhere booked to stay. In the days before mobiles. He was jabout 20.. He had a fine old time and met some friends that lived just round the corner from us... Guess what I was doing...

Thing is Gillybob, for all your/our worrying - once we have gone everyone will go on and be perfectly ok.

I stopped worrying so much many years ago by challenging my own thoughts and 'talking' to myself. I wouldn't let myself dwell on these things.
It was after my son was attacked by a gang of youths. They attacked him with a machete and he almost bled to death as his arm was almost severed. It was my worst nightmare come true because when I was on my way to the hospital I didn't know if he was dead or alive,.. and its vivid in my mind to this day. After that I realised that day to day worries about my children and their finances or problems was ridiculous.
You would think I would now worry more about that sort of thing happening - but I don't. We got through it - and my son is healthy and happy and I am happy he is still here to have problems !

I too am a real worrier. I constantly worry about my son and his family as they are always very stretched financially. I worry about their small children eating well, keeping warm, and everything else imaginable.

My parents are both in ill health and I constantly worry about them and my granny (yes the granny, has a granny) still lives in her own home and I constantly worry about her too.

I dread the phone ringing at night as its usually bad news and can't remember the last time my mind felt at peace.