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Tip-toe-ing around new baby

(70 Posts)
sandra Thu 12-Jan-12 10:45:04

My DS and his partner have a new baby, 8 weeks old (our 1st GC) who we all adore!
When they are at home baby doesn't go back to his cot to sleep during the day. He plays on his baby gym and if he falls asleep they tuck him up and he snoozes happily there. He has slept through the night from the first day home so I guess doesn't need much sleep during the day.
However, when they come to ours, say for dinner in the evening, the sit him in his little baby seat where he may nod off for a few minutes. During this time they seem to expect us all to tip-toe around and speak in whispers which I think is unreasonable as well as impractical. My other son and my DH are not quiet people and just don't do quiet! Whilst they were with us last night my other son was told by baby's mum, "He's trying to sleep!" and my son said to baby, for our benifit obviously, "Did Grandad slam the door and wake you up?" The atmosphere was a little strained and I don't feel I should have to feel like this. It's my house after all! By the way we all get on well normally. What to do?.....

bagitha Thu 12-Jan-12 10:48:52

They'll grow out of it. Remember, they're probably still tired, awed, joyous and slightly overwhelmed by being new parents. Give them a bit of slack.

Elegran Thu 12-Jan-12 10:52:17

I don't know what you do about this. Babies can sleep through any amount of background noise so long as it is not loud and sudden, and right in their ear, but if they get used to silence they will notice the smallest noise. Maybe you can point that out (tactfully) Certainly I would not like the presence of baby to dictate my life even when they are asleep. They are demanding enough awake.

JessM Thu 12-Jan-12 10:52:28

Yes try to tolerate this phase. it will not last long and soon they will be on a different stage.
At least they are not on the "baby must have rigid nap times in darkened room and should only be cuddled to a timetable" one that has been in fashion recently.

JessM Thu 12-Jan-12 10:53:56

Go out to a really noisy pub restaurant next time. smile then other people will be to blame!

bagitha Thu 12-Jan-12 10:57:12

jess, grin

And don't forget to tell the mum to put on her "I'll bite your head off if you say a word!" when she breast feeds the baby in the pub. wink Seriously. I never had any comments anywhere. One can, of course, be discreet.

sandra Thu 12-Jan-12 11:02:27

Thanks everyone for your advise. Hopefully it will all blow over as he gets older. The trouble is I am starting to feel I don't want them to visit when other family members are here. Baby's mum isn't one to hold back and the rest of my brood don't like her rather high-handed approach at times. Don't want a family rift developing. Xmas was a real strain!

jingl Thu 12-Jan-12 11:07:45

I think it would be more sensible to put the baby in a quiet room to have a sleep. You should suggest it.

Babies and young children need a good sleeping routine.

It's your dil who is being unreasonable, not you.

jingl Thu 12-Jan-12 11:10:17

Carol Thu 12-Jan-12 11:12:10

Oh dear! Sounds like someone's tired. Speaking as grandmother to premature twins (I never miss an opportunity to bang on about 'em) who are now 12 weeks old but only between 5 and 6 lbs, their sleep pattern is all over the place and they stay awake at night and sleep in the day for most of the week. Dad is just about to finish paternity leave and they are both knackered. (Actually, any pleas about leaving someone to sleep relate to mum and dad, not the babies).

The babies are the same as your grandson sandra. They will sleep really well in situ and mum and dad just tuck them up and leave them to have a good sleep - sounds of people, doors and machines don't wake them up if they are in a deep sleep. However, taking them out in a baby seat and expecting them to be able to go into a deep sleep as soon as the parents need them to just doesn't do the trick. Being cuddled or sleeping flat in a moses basket or in blankets on the baby mat is familiar territory for them and they easily drift off - it takes 20 minutes for a baby to go into a deep sleep, so any unfamiliar sounds could disturb them. Perhaps your DS and partner will be a bit more relaxed when they've had more sleep, and been out for meals more often and see that sometimes nothing will wake the baby, and other times anything will.

sandra Thu 12-Jan-12 11:16:02

Jingl - this is exactly what I think. My son did this at xmas but as soon as the slightest noise was heard on the monitor my DIL would go up and get him. She doesn't seem to like him being in his cot but not asleep even if he's not crying.

Annika Thu 12-Jan-12 11:17:08

When I was a young mum (oh those were the days) My friend came to vist and boy was that hard work ! While her baby was a sleep we were expected not to say a word, as I had a 4 year old and a 2 year old at the time it was hard work , we couln't even flush the loo !
When my second son was born we moved to a new house. Over the road new houses were being built, and you can guess how loud that would have been ! Didn't stop him sleeping one little bit.
( He is a builder now makes you think eh ?) hmm

sandra Thu 12-Jan-12 11:25:07

I get the feeling, reading between the lines, that they have differing views on this. My son commented last night that , as baby goes to bed only at night when they do, they never have any time away from him.

jingl Thu 12-Jan-12 11:26:11

sandra, yes, I think they can be quite happy just staying there for a while, 'talking' to themselves and studying their over-cot mobile! smile

They let you know when they want to get up.

Faye Thu 12-Jan-12 11:32:08

They will be sorry or as my mother used to say, 'you are making a rod for your own back.' D2 was determined to do it all differently with her second baby who is 2 months old today. Not that we had to tip toe around her first one but he was not the easiest baby. She took some good advice from her friend who said from the beginning, never put your baby to bed when it is asleep.' D2 has always done this and this baby self settles without crying, if she is crying it usually means she needs a nappy change, or has wind or maybe is hungry. She sleeps through vacuuming, the television going, people talking, doors shutting, pots and pan rattling. There were ten adults and five children here all weekend and she slept the same as she usually does. She sometimes wakes up when her brother who is nearly four kisses her all over her face. We also went fishing and she slept in her little bouncinette thing with a net over it, her brother and cousins were playing right near her and calling out when one had caught a fish. I think she really is the easiest baby and she does sleep a lot.
Gransnetter boasting coming up wink Granddaughter was weighed this morning and at 8 1/2 weeks old she is now 12lb 8ozs. She was three and a half weeks early and 7lbs 2ozs at birth. Completely breastfed too. I think she is turning into a sumo baby. confused

Annobel Thu 12-Jan-12 11:35:37

It won't last, sandra. They will get used to being parents and he will grow up normally whatever...! When my DS1 was 4 months old, I sat him in his little chair to watch me doing DiY, with a sanding disc on the banisters and very noisy. Next thing I looked up and he was sound asleep. The same child also slept through a hailstorm with stones like golf balls, that sounded like a machine gun bombardment. I guess we can't all be so lucky though they are lucky if he sleeps through the night; what a little hero! But seriously, at this early stage it really isn't worthwhile making an issue about this. Relax and enjoy the baby at all stages.

sandra Thu 12-Jan-12 11:43:11

I know what you mean Faye. When I have him on my own I hoover around him and all sorts. If they're properly asleep they don't wake easily. Our little one fell asleep on me last night after his feed and we put his coat on, put him into the pram and everything an he didn't stir. He's such a good baby we're very lucky. I just hope he's not 'cottoned on' to the fact that Mum will cuddle him all the time he's not asleep if he makes a fuss. They're so clever aren't they? hmm

Carol Thu 12-Jan-12 11:46:20

Faye how lovely to hear about your granddaughter doing so well with her feeding smile

sandra Thu 12-Jan-12 11:47:07

Thanks Annobel, I don't want any bad feeling between us but I felt DIL was a little rude to be honest.

GoldenGran Thu 12-Jan-12 11:48:35

sandra I think they all get a bit precious in the first 3 months, my stepdil was like this and we were all dreading Christmas as we felt we would be on edge all the time. But not a bit of it, the baby is now 6 months lod and they are totally relaxed, I think maybe the first 3 months feel a llittle scary to them and it takes a while to get into their stride. It will probably be fine

JessM Thu 12-Jan-12 12:11:18

I agree, other family members need to let new-parent tetchiness wash over them. It is a big adjustment and they get very anxious. it is no time to be taking offence.
Also Sandra it is hard for us to remember that they are in charge and will do things their way. We are only justified in intervening if there is a SERIOUS health and safety risk or if we are completely confident we will be told to back off and no offence on either side.
There are a few threads on this site started by young mums that are threatened by their mums and mum in laws interfering or commenting on how they are looking after their babies. Makes salutory reading for new grans I think.

sandra Thu 12-Jan-12 12:53:46

Yes you're right JessM, they must do things their way of course but don't want to feel awkward in my own home because of things said. As usual us mum's are in the middle of it all eh? confused

jingl Thu 12-Jan-12 13:00:12

I disagree about intervening at all. The older generation have always advised the younger one. Quite rightly. Do it nicely. Even if they seem a bit shirty when you say things, they probably will think about it later and maybe act on your advice.

Works for me. wink

Annobel Thu 12-Jan-12 13:05:27

jingl I NEVER give advice to DiLs unless I am asked for it. It would be utterly impertinent to do so. They are mature adults too and they have their own mothers as well. I do have a very good relationship with them and because of this they do sometimes ask advice.

Carol Thu 12-Jan-12 13:17:23

I'm somewhere in the middle on this jingl and Annobel. I have seen some really daft things being done by new parents who have never bothered to read up about new babies and children, or are clearly being inconsistent in what they say they do and what they actually do, even tough they are mature adults. Recently, I gave some unasked for advice because I was concerned that continuing the same practice would be detrimental to the child - the atmosphere was very frosty, but a couple of days later I learned that I had been listened to, and things were back on track. You do need a bit of a thick skin sometimes.

One relative would never have learned how to feed her child if she'd waited for advice from her own mother, who neither cared nor had a clue.