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nursery advice

(28 Posts)
olliesgran Thu 12-Jan-12 14:46:41

I was a bit shocked when my DD came back from the Nursery where she left GS, 20 months, for the first time , for one hour. They told her to sneak out while he was palying, and not say goodbye! Surely, this will only cause him anxiety, when he realised she has gone? My DD always explain where she goes when she leaves him, and he might cry a bit, but is soon back to playing. She wasn't sure what to do, so did as they asked but will say good bye to him next time, no matter what they say. I agree with her!

glassortwo Thu 12-Jan-12 14:52:48

I agree with her ollie I have always like to say goodbye to my C and GC when leaving them, I think if you have told them you are coming back it makes the separation easier and less traumatic when they realise that you do return.

Nsube Thu 12-Jan-12 14:52:57

You are right. A big a kiss, preceded by saying 'I'll be back to collect you after your snack or story,' or whenever it is. And a quick departure. Prolonged goodbyes are not good. That reassures the child and is honest.

Carol Thu 12-Jan-12 15:00:44

Quick kiss and a promise to return, then be back with a smile on your face showing that you expected them to have a great time.

jingl Thu 12-Jan-12 15:02:03

Are they trained staff? Makes you wonder! That is sooo bad. shock

olliesgran Thu 12-Jan-12 15:20:04

They should be trained jingl, the price they charge! But I agree, no prolonged good bye, just a quick kiss, with a smile is enough. Poor lad kept saying "Mum in London", (they said to DD when she picked him up) as she goes there for work once in a while, works from home usually, and they couldn't understand why he was saying that! He was only trying to make sense of his Mum's absence.

jingl Thu 12-Jan-12 15:37:56

Oh!sad I hope he got on ok apart from that. They are so sweet at that age. smile

goldengirl Thu 12-Jan-12 15:41:12

That is not good! Kiss, say goodbye and go. He might cry but you bet your life that a few moments later he'll be playing. It will most likely be his mum who will feel badly for some time afterwards. When my GS started at nursery, my DD was told to kiss him goodbye and go and he cried. The nursery rang her ten minutes later to say that he was playing and that they'd tell her if he became unhappy. Needless to say he was fine but she appreciated the call and that's how it should be.

numberplease Thu 12-Jan-12 15:51:21

When I looked after one of my grandsons a few years ago, he`d create sommat shocking when my DIL was leaving, and she didn`t help by coming to the window, waving and calling out "Love you", then coming back again several times doing the same, before actually leaving. Once she`d gone, he was fine, but all through this palaver he was screaming fit to bust. I tried to tell her, but to no avail.

Pennysue Thu 12-Jan-12 15:58:06

My Son could not settle at play group - tried for several weeks, but he just sat and cried all the time, tried the not saying goodbye, telling him I will back in a minute etc. After the 2-3 weeks the play group leader said that he was obviously not ready and it was not fair on him so I stopped. He tried again about 6 months later and was fine.

My daughter loved it from day one. Never any problems.

olliesgran Thu 12-Jan-12 16:02:13

GS was fine, it was only for 1 hour, but I do think you have to tell them what is happenning, like Mum has got to go now, have a good time, I'll come back in a while. Nothing drawn out, but sneaking out isn't right.

Carol Thu 12-Jan-12 16:04:12

My nephew was cared for at home with my mum. When my sister left for work each morning, he would slide down the glass door, sobbing 'mummy, mummy' till he couldn't see her, then he would stand up and go to his toys, perfectly happy! That helped me when I took my children to pre-school playgroup to leave them for the afternoon. I would kiss them goodbye and not look back, knowing they would be fine, and they were.

milkflake Thu 12-Jan-12 17:00:02

There has got to be happy medium when leaving a small child. I was a Nursery Nurse for most of my working life.

Some parents try to sneak out when the child is busy , but to see the look on the child's face as he/she searches the room for Mum and cant find her is awful.

Mums or Dads of course smile should take the child to the person who will be looking after him, talking to him about what he will be doing and being bright and cheerful, so he knows its going to be a happy experience. A good Nursery nurse will join in the conversation and tell him the things he can play with and ask what he would like to do. Mum then says a quick cheerful goodbye, saying she will come back for him after he has played, and the nursery nurse takes him to the toys.

Mum shouldnt hang around looking through doors or windows, just go.

Usually children if they get upset, dont really cry for long, and if they do cry continuously a good nursery will always call Mum to come back.

Sometimes it can take a few weeks to settle a wee one. Mums sometimes have to be very patient and sit in on the side lines, then go away for 5 mins gradually extending it to longer each day.

Personally I think that a child under 3 is far better at home with Mum or Dad, but I do realise that in these financial times Mums have to go back to work. Grans are the next best and if they can go to the babies home so much the better.

I would chose a childminder rather than a nursery for under 3's.

gracesmum Thu 12-Jan-12 17:06:37

Littlest fella is usually fine with nursery (I used to drop him off once a week after staying a night with DD so that she could put in a longer day at office and then get in early the next morning, without LF having a full day at nursery), but once I got caught out as I tried to sneak out and just caught sight of him out of the corner of my eye at the moment he realised I had gone. Major mistake - I cried all the way to the M6. He was probably fine, but I felt I had betrayed him!
Before DD had him I would have said the same about nurseries as milkflake , but this one is so lovely and caring and just like being "at home" as it is in an adapted house with small groups of children of the same age range in their "own" room and being DD's first baby, he loves the company of the other children and is actually learning a lot from them, so not all bad.

Nsube Thu 12-Jan-12 17:10:12

Milk flake your post is excellent.
I can't count the times I've phoned mothers to reassure them their little ones were fine in nursery class or Reception - or even years 1&2 sometimes. It almost never takes more than a minute and a half for them to cheer up.

olliesgran Thu 12-Jan-12 17:15:53

milkflake, I think the same as you. Under tree belong at home. Luckily, we can look after GS when DD works, but she is trying Nursery one day per week, as GS is not really spending anytime in company of other children. All my DD 's friend with children are back at work, no opportunities to meet. I took him last summer for "open play hour" where I could stay with him, and was glad we could provide most of the childcare, as, although the Nursery is very good, I didn't feel these small toddlers were in the right environment. DD is just rtrying this out, if GS becomes unhappy, she'll wait a bit longer

Cyril Thu 12-Jan-12 18:06:46

Just to emphasize that all children are different I once knew a nearly five year old who fought and screamed when mum left him in the reception class being held by the assistant teacher. Having got him calm and let him out at break time he headed straight out of the school gates and kept on doing so for weeks. The neighbours got so used to this little lad making his way home that they would gather him up and return him to the school, as did his mum if he made it that far. After two weeks of running off at every opportunity older pupils who volunteered watched the three gates to keep him in as he climbed over the top when they were locked. He did settle but it took until half term.

Nsube Thu 12-Jan-12 18:11:11

I think that most under threes play alongside others. They are not developmentally ready to play with their peer group, although, generally they love older children who are prepared to play with them.

milkflake Thu 12-Jan-12 18:17:26

Hi Gracesmum, I so pleased your Daughter has found a lovely nursery. You always know if they are happy going or not by the way they act when they know its time to go to nursery smile

Nsube thank you for your kind comment, I can remember Mums who didnt like to leave until the child was upset, they thought that if the child happily left them, they did'nt love them!

Olliesgran, I hope the nursery works out ,just be a bit wary when they are saying things like just go and dont tell him.
there is no doubt that caring for under fives as we get older gets harder! We used to have GS each Friday but now he goes to nursery and school later this year. I do miss him and having time with him on his own.
the rest of my grandchildren are in USA so dont get to see them very often, luckily when they were small we were both working and could afford to go twice a year and there is a bond there, the boys are 16 and 18 now and give me a hug and say hi Grandma as if I have never been away!!!

Sorry doesnt take much to make me ramble on!!

milkflake Thu 12-Jan-12 18:29:06

Cyril you have made me laugh, as I went home once at the interval , my Mum wasnt well and Dad was at home looking after her but I was sent off to school . I cant remember if I was worried about Mum or the fact that I was sent out and they were both in, but what a carry on I caused, no phone at home in those days. My Dad marched me right back!!

Nsube you are right about wee ones they dont play with each other do they , they eye each other up and pinch toys off each other! I tried taking my daughter to a mother/toddler group but hated it as all the mums sat and talked and didnt pay attention to what their kids were up to. I stopped going as I felt neither daughter nor I benefited from going.

One mum got angry with me , her child with a snotty nose and dribbly mouth had been chewing a toy and laid it down, my daughter picked up this snotty wet toy and went to put it in her mouth, I grabbed it off her and said I was going to wash it and the other Mum accused me of saying her child was dirty!!

No it definitely wasnt for me!!!

Nanban Thu 12-Jan-12 18:33:33

Madness, completely wrong advice - now every time she leaves a room he'll kick up! Poor little chap.

Annobel Thu 12-Jan-12 18:47:52

DS2 was in hospital aged just 2. I was with him every step of the way until I caught a cold and the sister, quite rightly, banned me and my ex was to take over. DS clung to me as I explained that I had to go home for a bit but Daddy would be there soon. I left in tears, but the sister took me into her office and provided tissues and explained that he would be right as rain as soon as I was out of sight. As I crept out of the office, I caught sight of him, playing quite contentedly in his cot. smile

olliesgran Thu 12-Jan-12 18:54:42

well, he will only be going 1 day per week if it works out, and she will not follow their advice next time anyways. As for little ones playing alongside each other, when I took GS in the summer for the "play hour" were I stayed with him, it made me laugh, as it is impossible to get under 2 to do things as a group, the nursery workers made me think of people trying to herd cats! No sooner had they got 4 of them together that half of them went off in a different direction! But it brought it home to me how lucky I was to have been able to stay at home when my 3 were small. I don't care how many survey say that nursery is ok for kids, I think all day every day is too much. I feel at GS stage (20 months), 1 day per week is ok, as he is always wiith adults who know his ways and understand him, and I feel he might need to build up a bit of resiience.

gracesmum Thu 12-Jan-12 19:07:24

Youy say that olliesgran but I arrived at Nursery one afternoon to collect LF (prob aged 16/17 months) and all his "room" - about 8 of them) were sitting calmly and quietly on a sofa ready for story time! I was gobsmacked and would love to know how the staff did that. As a secondary teacher I couldn't get 15 year-olds to sit still!

Anne58 Thu 12-Jan-12 19:36:52

Not relating to nurseries, so perhaps this in the wrong place, but ex dh and I found that when DS1 was a toddler (34 this year!) he was far happier leaving us, than us leaving him.

If I may explain, if he was going to be with Grandma, whether it was just for a few hours, or overnight, if Grandma came to us to collect him, he went off quite happily. If we dropped him off at Grandmas' he would get in a state.

After a bit of thought, we came up with the theory that if he left us, then in his mind we were where he left us, but if we left him, he didn't know where we were.

Does this make any sense to anyone????