Why cant MIL see that it is her son ignoring her calls, not me.

That sounds infuriating. People often blame the wrong person. You know the syndrome where man runs off with another woman and deserted one blames the other woman? Saves having to blame the one you care most about.
How do you know you are getting the blame. Has she told you?
Apart from doing your head in because you don't like being wrongly blamed - is this actually harming you in any way?

Um... can't mobile phones be switched off? That's what I'd do.

Has your DH had a proper chat with his mother about these issues? Sounds a bit extreme some of the lengths you have been going to, when maybe some new ground rules need setting and if she doesn't respect them she should understand that you won't be responding to excessive calls. Or have you already done all that?

I know! You phone her sometimes, for a chat. Then she will know you are not the one to blame.

Sorted.

I agree your husband should man up and sort this one out.

Looking at the other side of things....do you think there's a reason that your mother-in-law feels she needs to be in almost constant contact with her son? Is there something she may be worrying about?

Sounds very odd I agree he should say something to her.. has she not asked him why she can't phone the house anymore?, surely she must realise that the number has changed. Has she not asked him what the new number is?

Hi ladies,

And thank you so much, I feel better getting all that off my chest, and that I am not the only one who thinks its slightly unfair.
It’s a really long winded story with 12 years of he said that she said this, but the bottom line is:
We never saw them 2 years after my husband did try and man up and lay some ground rules, how ever never had the guts to say this was HIS decision and they assumed it was me who made him lay the ground rules down, and he found it easier to let them think it was me instead of him, and thus he has ended up with 2 woman who hate each other – and sadly he now thinks its too late to fix it.

After a long 2 years I decided this was ridiculous and practically had to force my husband to go see them again, I really had hoped that 2 years had been long enough for people to be angry and want to be part of our lives and their beautiful grandchildren. And I feel, that we would have started off on the right foot had my husband told her it was MY decision to try fix things – I just think he could help his mother like me by telling her things like I was the one that wanted to get back in contact and that its been me saying they are missing out – because to be honest – I have nothing to gain nor loose and I seem to be the only one trying to sort things out.

I tried the phone call to MIL to see if WE could sort things, DIL to MIL – she just swore at me and told me she didn’t want to speak to me anyway – hence I have now given up on encouraging my husband to call her and all the things us ladies always do anyway…….
Its just so frustrating to be blamed for a break up of a family when I am the one trying to fix it.
She told me I control him and have changed him. I personally believe she hates me so much because we don’t “run” our household like she does, we both work – I work because we have to put food on the table not because I would rather not be a housewife, she doesn’t like the fact that I don’t “look” after her son and cater to his every need. He has to much in with household chores just the same as I have to muck in with the financial responsibility and this seems to foreign for her to see sense in it.

The older generation in their family “rule the roost” and the woman are there to look after the man and I was never accepted because I was not prepared to take on what they called family tradition ie: the grandparents get to name the grandchildren – yes I am not joking – she thought it was her RIGHT to name my 1st born – and it carried on from there that they weren’t around for the 2nd born.

Sorry so long winded, but it really has been a long one and for 12 long years I have tried my best and I really do think now its up to her and my husband to sort if they would like a relationship – there are 3 of us in this relationship and it wont work with only 1 person aiming at fixing it.

But feel guilty that I have now made the decision to give up – would you agree that its not my responsibility?

@ JessM
At first no, I kept quiet to keep the peace – but it really did come to every time we saw them, I was put down along with fowl language and that was enough for me.
Respect is a 2 way thing – there is no way I respect someone who thinks its ok to speak to me like that and sorry – I am her sons wife and the mother of her grandchildren – you may not like me – but you do have to be civil to me in order for it to work.

@Carol
Poor hubby – yes he did try – but we are very non-confrontational people and they wouldn’t hear any of it and told him he couldn’t control his wife and was not a man unless he started – that resulted in not seeing them for 2 years

@Greenmossgiel
She has lived her life for her children and I think the fact that my husband grew up and didn’t “need” her as much as he used to – she struggled to let go and went a bit overboard and he just felt smothered – he said it was worse than when he lived at home.

@Tanith
Since getting back in contact, she has just said I suppose you wont give me your house number and he said no. She mumbled something about it being me again – and he left it at that. My hubby really cant and hates arguing and will do ANYTHING for an easier life.

It rather sounds as if you've exhausted any part of this that is your responsibility, fedup. No need to feel guilty for giving up, then. Sometimes, the more you try, the less the people who really need to try will bother. Maybe your giving up will give someone a needed jerk to action. Maybe not, but if what you've tried isn't working, it's time to make a change. That's what you're doing. Good luck.

@Bagitha
Thank you very much for that, and yes I think you could be right, the more someone tries the less others feel they have to as someone is already doing all the leg work for them and maybe even seen as “giving in” to agree they are right.

[sigh] there are compensations in living with a non-combative man. But this situation is not one of them. Ultimately though she is the one losing out.

I think you just have to let it go now, Fedup. You've done your utmost. There will no doubt be so many issues that you can't possibly understand. It sounds like your husband has had a really claustrophobic upbringing, and the thought of tackling his mother just leaves him cold. The family that he has now, are the most important people in his life. And really, it doesn't matter what she thinks does it? She'll never believe the truth anyway, because she doesn't want to. Let it go. Good luck.

@ JessM
That she is losing out on, her son is a wonderful father/husband and her 2 grandchildren are just beautiful (biased I know) but they too have a lot of love to give.
I think I tried so hard for so long – because my father died when I was just 6, and I would give anything for just 1 more day with him to get to know who he was, what he was like – and they – are just crazy – they have all this right there in front of them and they just don’t see how lucky they are and what they could have.
I just don't understand how they could choose to "throw" it away when others long for someone where they had no choice of losing.

@Greenmosgiel
Phew, huge sigh of relief, THANK YOU, shall be swapping that little voice in my head for you, thank you

Fedup -

Once you have done all you can, it is time to give up. I often wonder if my ex MIL ever got a card after our divorce. I had handled all our finance, insurance, banking, etc. as well - my ex even rang me up to ask how to tax the car! He remarried within a year (after threatening suicide) - she was a very bossy teacher and no doubt she took over all the 'mothering'.