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Why cant MIL see that it is her son ignoring her calls, not me.

(17 Posts)
Fedup Thu 08-Mar-12 15:00:41

My husband has had enough of his controlling mother and now ignores all her calls and text messages and somehow she sees that it is me MAKING him.

Before he ignored them, she would call and if he was busy and did not get to answer it – she would start phoning all the phones (the main line, my mobile and his until he answered) as if something has happened and you think someone has died, to find out she is stressed because she cant get hold of him.
It drove him so mad that he changed our house number and never passed it on to her and I changed my mobile number too as was sick of being accused of keeping him all to myself.
Now all the calls are made to his mobile, and all calls and txts are made during working hours (when he is at work and so am I) – and yet I apparently don’t allow him contact with his family.

Would just love for my husband to actually tell them it was HIM who wanted us to move area’s to get away from it all – not me!!!

Why cant they see that its because they drive him mad – she has pushed him away all on her own!
And why cant he be man enough to tell them that too – why take the easy option and just let them keep blaming me!

I think MIL’s and DIL’s fall out because
A) Their son cant man up and tell them the truth
B) MIL’s think their precious son would never behave that way
And the poor DIL just ends up getting the blame because one side is too weak and the other is just blind!!!!!

JessM Thu 08-Mar-12 15:37:03

That sounds infuriating. People often blame the wrong person. You know the syndrome where man runs off with another woman and deserted one blames the other woman? Saves having to blame the one you care most about.
How do you know you are getting the blame. Has she told you?
Apart from doing your head in because you don't like being wrongly blamed - is this actually harming you in any way?

bagitha Thu 08-Mar-12 15:53:17

Um... can't mobile phones be switched off? That's what I'd do.

Carol Thu 08-Mar-12 16:38:30

Has your DH had a proper chat with his mother about these issues? Sounds a bit extreme some of the lengths you have been going to, when maybe some new ground rules need setting and if she doesn't respect them she should understand that you won't be responding to excessive calls. Or have you already done all that?

wotsamashedupjingl Thu 08-Mar-12 16:39:51

I know! You phone her sometimes, for a chat. Then she will know you are not the one to blame.

Sorted. smile sunshine

petallus Thu 08-Mar-12 17:04:18

I agree your husband should man up and sort this one out.

greenmossgiel Thu 08-Mar-12 17:08:20

Looking at the other side of you think there's a reason that your mother-in-law feels she needs to be in almost constant contact with her son? Is there something she may be worrying about?

tanith Thu 08-Mar-12 22:21:11

Sounds very odd I agree he should say something to her.. has she not asked him why she can't phone the house anymore?, surely she must realise that the number has changed. Has she not asked him what the new number is?

Fedup Fri 09-Mar-12 09:51:07

Hi ladies,

And thank you so much, I feel better getting all that off my chest, and that I am not the only one who thinks its slightly unfair.
It’s a really long winded story with 12 years of he said that she said this, but the bottom line is:
We never saw them 2 years after my husband did try and man up and lay some ground rules, how ever never had the guts to say this was HIS decision and they assumed it was me who made him lay the ground rules down, and he found it easier to let them think it was me instead of him, and thus he has ended up with 2 woman who hate each other – and sadly he now thinks its too late to fix it.

After a long 2 years I decided this was ridiculous and practically had to force my husband to go see them again, I really had hoped that 2 years had been long enough for people to be angry and want to be part of our lives and their beautiful grandchildren. And I feel, that we would have started off on the right foot had my husband told her it was MY decision to try fix things – I just think he could help his mother like me by telling her things like I was the one that wanted to get back in contact and that its been me saying they are missing out – because to be honest – I have nothing to gain nor loose and I seem to be the only one trying to sort things out.

I tried the phone call to MIL to see if WE could sort things, DIL to MIL – she just swore at me and told me she didn’t want to speak to me anyway – hence I have now given up on encouraging my husband to call her and all the things us ladies always do anyway…….
Its just so frustrating to be blamed for a break up of a family when I am the one trying to fix it.
She told me I control him and have changed him. I personally believe she hates me so much because we don’t “run” our household like she does, we both work – I work because we have to put food on the table not because I would rather not be a housewife, she doesn’t like the fact that I don’t “look” after her son and cater to his every need. He has to much in with household chores just the same as I have to muck in with the financial responsibility and this seems to foreign for her to see sense in it.

The older generation in their family “rule the roost” and the woman are there to look after the man and I was never accepted because I was not prepared to take on what they called family tradition ie: the grandparents get to name the grandchildren – yes I am not joking – she thought it was her RIGHT to name my 1st born – and it carried on from there that they weren’t around for the 2nd born.

Sorry so long winded, but it really has been a long one and for 12 long years I have tried my best and I really do think now its up to her and my husband to sort if they would like a relationship – there are 3 of us in this relationship and it wont work with only 1 person aiming at fixing it.

But feel guilty that I have now made the decision to give up – would you agree that its not my responsibility?

Fedup Fri 09-Mar-12 10:13:09

@ JessM
At first no, I kept quiet to keep the peace – but it really did come to every time we saw them, I was put down along with fowl language and that was enough for me.
Respect is a 2 way thing – there is no way I respect someone who thinks its ok to speak to me like that and sorry – I am her sons wife and the mother of her grandchildren – you may not like me – but you do have to be civil to me in order for it to work.

Poor hubby – yes he did try – but we are very non-confrontational people and they wouldn’t hear any of it and told him he couldn’t control his wife and was not a man unless he started – that resulted in not seeing them for 2 years

She has lived her life for her children and I think the fact that my husband grew up and didn’t “need” her as much as he used to – she struggled to let go and went a bit overboard and he just felt smothered – he said it was worse than when he lived at home.

Since getting back in contact, she has just said I suppose you wont give me your house number and he said no. She mumbled something about it being me again – and he left it at that. My hubby really cant and hates arguing and will do ANYTHING for an easier life.

bagitha Fri 09-Mar-12 10:14:46

It rather sounds as if you've exhausted any part of this that is your responsibility, fedup. No need to feel guilty for giving up, then. Sometimes, the more you try, the less the people who really need to try will bother. Maybe your giving up will give someone a needed jerk to action. Maybe not, but if what you've tried isn't working, it's time to make a change. That's what you're doing. Good luck.

Fedup Fri 09-Mar-12 10:23:17

Thank you very much for that, and yes I think you could be right, the more someone tries the less others feel they have to as someone is already doing all the leg work for them and maybe even seen as “giving in” to agree they are right.

JessM Fri 09-Mar-12 10:28:16

[sigh] there are compensations in living with a non-combative man. But this situation is not one of them. Ultimately though she is the one losing out.

greenmossgiel Fri 09-Mar-12 10:59:18

I think you just have to let it go now, Fedup. You've done your utmost. There will no doubt be so many issues that you can't possibly understand. It sounds like your husband has had a really claustrophobic upbringing, and the thought of tackling his mother just leaves him cold. The family that he has now, are the most important people in his life. And really, it doesn't matter what she thinks does it? She'll never believe the truth anyway, because she doesn't want to. Let it go. Good luck. smile

Fedup Fri 09-Mar-12 11:11:01

@ JessM
That she is losing out on, her son is a wonderful father/husband and her 2 grandchildren are just beautiful (biased I know) but they too have a lot of love to give.
I think I tried so hard for so long – because my father died when I was just 6, and I would give anything for just 1 more day with him to get to know who he was, what he was like – and they – are just crazy – they have all this right there in front of them and they just don’t see how lucky they are and what they could have.
I just don't understand how they could choose to "throw" it away when others long for someone where they had no choice of losing.

Phew, huge sigh of relief, THANK YOU, shall be swapping that little voice in my head for you, thank you

greenmossgiel Fri 09-Mar-12 11:13:56

Fedup - flowers

Greatnan Fri 09-Mar-12 13:27:27

Once you have done all you can, it is time to give up. I often wonder if my ex MIL ever got a card after our divorce. I had handled all our finance, insurance, banking, etc. as well - my ex even rang me up to ask how to tax the car! He remarried within a year (after threatening suicide) - she was a very bossy teacher and no doubt she took over all the 'mothering'.