How much time is fair to give to looking after the grandchildren?

My DD used to joke when she was young that she'd let me live in the garden shed when I got old - wonder if the invitation's still open....

I often wonder if the career Mums of today who have passed the childcare over to Grandparents will be willing to give up their career to take over the care of their Grandchildren when the time comes.

And we do things for our grandchildren, its true.
But also because we want to help our busy, weary grownup offspring who are trying to do jobs and raise families.

Waller - this does sound like too much - I am 63 and care informally for my Gss quite frequently - or have them here while their Mum gets some sleep here - but I find it totally exhausting; and have to take great care about my dicky back and painful hip.
I find it very hard to acknowledge that I am getting older and get tired quickly as I feel hugely disappointed about that this is the case - it seems to have crept up on me so quickly.
Don't overdo it - you have your health and your OH to consider - even though having the children there is lovely!

Thanks for all your helpful & supportive replies. One thing seems certain. Our children do not realize that at our various ages, life does become more difficult & that we really are older & have aches & pains & are not too good with noise! I certainly won't take on any extra days.

I agree HildaW - no brick bats from me. Not only did they decide to have 2 children but haven't altered their lifesyle to cope with them. I am sure for a few years it would be possible for the Mum to reduce her hours if she had any sort of a mothering feeling.
I feel that my family expected too much from us when it came to looking after the grandchildren. As has been said they have no thought about us getting older and not having so much stamina anymore.
I'm 70 next year and certainly wouldn't agree to having 2 such young ones for a whole day and I would feel sorry that my daughter would even expect or ask me to.
I can also see things from your partners point of view - for one thing he probably feels that you're being put upon!!

The last comment I had from my SIL before the lines of communication came down were, when I pointed out how much I had done for them over the past 5 years was, 'no you did it for your grandchildren'. That, to me summed up how much appreciation I'd had for trying to help them, both financially and from a 'helping them have quality time together as a couple' point of view. Be very careful, waller; I'm only just beginning to realise how little time I have had for my partner over the past few years, and how understanding he has been. the fact is that, by taking on more than I could probably cope with, I've ended up losing both my daughter and my grandchildren. Not understanding how it feels to be a lot older, our children seem to feel that they are bestowing a special gift to us by allowing us to look after the grandchildren, which is true up to a point.

And, there is just a little voice in my head saying something like .....'someone chose to have two babies under 3 (yes I know sometimes it cant be helped) so perhaps she should have had a little think about who was going to look after them'. Yes I know tis not exactly helpful but with my ex-preschool teachers head on I do get a bit cross about children who seem to be passed 'from pillar to post' when I deliberately chose to fit my life choices around my children not t'other way round. I shall sit back and await the brick bats.

How long is a piece of string???
Ooops have just realised am not the only one to type this.
Yes it could seem to be a flippant cliche but its very true.
To one person in one set of circumstances spending time 'looking after' the GC might be pure pleasure, whilst to another it could be a real chore.

Any arrangement that seems, or becomes to be, one sided needs looking into and changes made if at all possible. Anyone in any caring situation needs to feel valued/appreciated (money is a whole different subject - and I'm just not going there!) and whilst your children might think they are simply giving you ample opportunity to spend time with your GC they do need to appreciate your needs and capabilities. Many grown children dont fully realise that caring for the GC has a whole added layer of worries and responsibilities. Yes we brought them up well enough but this next lot are not actually ours, and somehow that adds a lot more pressure. When our own bumped a head, got a tummy upset etc etc we just sort of got on with it but if its a grandchild, I find, I am all of a flutter.

That being said waller, it does sound to me as if you are being expected to do a lot. I think you and your daughter need a chat in a calm atmosphere away from the home. She needs to research a few more options and perhaps keep your services in reserve a bit more. My own daughter has to budget for every penny but finds that a couple of hours at a well run but low key (village hall type) playgroup/nursery is money very well spent. I do hope you find a compromise. It would be aweful if you came to resent your time with your GC, hopw it all works out.

wallers I've refused to commit to looking after my 8 month gd when her mum goes back to work in Sept. as I know it would be too much for me and I'm a fairly fit 66yrs (today )
Don't take on too much,it's not fair on any of you.

I am a little older, waller and my GC also older, but I know for sure that I couldn't cope with little ones. I often regret living too far from mine to be of any use, but now I'm not so sure. What would your daughter do if you lived a long way off?

wallers I care for 2 of my DGC from 7am until 7pm (in theory, but does not work that way most of the time as DD works full time and has also just finished 2 degrees on an evening) and have done since the youngest was 6 months she is now 4 and the older 6 so very similar age difference from yours.

I am 56 and I can honestly say that it is very very tiring caring for young children the age of your two, but it does get easier as they get older.

But please make sure this is what you want and ask for time with you DD to talk about her expectations of you and set some guideline up from the start ie times expected to child mind,discipline, feeding, will you be the one doing the toddler groups and nursery runs etc etc.

As absent said "how long is a bit of string" my situation may be different in that I live with DD so I am on tap 24/7 and the children find it natural to turn to me as I am their constant carer.

Our children think parents are in a time warp and that we have stayed the same as we were 20 or 30 years ago when we were their carers, they dont make any allowance for our advancing years.

It can be the most satisfying thing you can do spending your Grand Childrens early years with them............. but make sure its your choice.

Good luck.

I'm about your age wallers5 and I don't think I could cope with two children of that age for long.

I'm not sure whether you are saying it is too much for you or whether you are fine with it but you are concerned about your partner's feelings on the matter.

I think a talk with your daughter about the strain this is putting on you and your partner might be a good thing. I'm sure at your age I'd find it too much to have the two of them for a long day and then another 2 days with one child I'm surprised you're not complaining because I would be and I'm only 63.I wouldn't be doing it, as much as I love my grandchildren and my children I love my me time as well and I think you are doing much more than what is reasonable. But if you are happy to carry on then of course you should but at the risk of alienating your partner and wearing yourself out.

This question is one of those "how long is a piece of string?" ones wallers5. I can't answer from a personal point of view as my grandchildren all live on the other side of the world. You say that your loyalties are somewhat torn between your partner and daughter but make no mention of your own needs, although you do point out that caring for such young children is tiring. Sort of reading between the lines, I wonder if you are looking for some moral support towards the idea of reducing the time you provide childcare. Obviously, you don't want to upset your daughter, but it has been pointed out a number of times of Gransnet that the next generation tends to overlook the effects of getting older. They often seem to think of us as still being fit and able to do the things we did when they were children without feeling any strain. Your daughter is obviously very driven, but perhaps you should try to persuade her to give you some time to talk together about childcare responsibilities.

I know I'm a bit 'bitter and twisted' at the moment wallers, but please be careful about what you're being expected to take on. Two children of that age seem terribly hard work to me, and I certainly couldn't do it without help.