How much time is fair to give to looking after the grandchildren?

If it helps I think you are doing your best in a difficult situation and need to take care of yourself.

Hello Wad1
You might want to start a new thread as this is 11 years old and your post could be missed.

Hi. I'm a new nan for nearly 2 years. My step daughter is 21 and lives 5 hours away. My husband and I do all we can to help. I suffer with general anxiety disorder and am on medication. Also my step daughter has mental health issues and since having her daughter has really struggled being a mum. Her life has been very stressful and the babies dad is not with our daughter. We go up and down a lot to help and it costs us a lot of money. I just really want clarity about something and wondering if anyone can help. Our daughter was so bad last week we said we'd have her. Unfortunately the lack of sleep due to early mornings, broken sleep and having a little one with all their moments really put my anxiety on. I was in a state of anxiety on and off for a few days. I'm really tired too. We told our daughter we taking her home today. She said she not ready. But it's just too long for me. I also have to go back to work so can't actually have her stay longer. Our daughter has got funny with us and I worry all the time about whether we should do more. But I'm doing what I can cope with. Our daughter can call on the dad and his mum. Although there's worries over her as she's an alcoholic. I guess I want someone here to clarify it's all too much for me and I'm doing enough. I'm mentally and physically drained. Any advice?

I'm not certain how things will work out with my next GS. The current one is six now and I have him most days after school, but he's already becoming more of a companion than someone to be looked after The problem is that when he was a baby my husband (not a child lover - not even his own) was at work so hardly saw him . Now he is retired and not in good health so I'm not sure it's going to work this time. When the first one was born we looked at nursery costs which were astronomical. and once I started looking after him we realised how much more flexible I was than a nursery. No problems if she had to work early or late and I could take him to Tumble tots and Jolly Babies without her having to organise anything. Also, of course, even for someone pretty unmaternal like me, playing with him sure beat working.

Exactly nanjura. Of course I do look after them at times and help picking them up etc. but I am not the lynchpin of the child care - always happy to chip and help if there is a particular problem of course, but I am Grandma and I do Grandma things.

Children should not place total reliance on their parents to do their job for them.

Having said that, if I had lived near enough to my DD to be able to prevent my GS going to the horrible nursery he went to I would probably have offered in desperatoin!

Fabulous to help and support our grown-up children with the grand-children we love. From time to time, here and there, and of course in emergencies. Wonderful.

But I truly feel it is totally wrong for grown-up children to assume and expect that we will practically bring up their children for them. No, no and no - been there, done that - no more. I want to have quality time with the grand-children, have fun, special times and holidays - not the day to day care and up-bringing. Not our place, not our job - and I am very proud to say that our daughter who has 2 little ones would never ever dream of expecting us to do so. They take their own responsibilities very seriously, and as she chooses to work full-time, spends a huge proportion of her income on a Nanny. She knows that although I live abroad, if she phoned me in the middle of the night in an emergency, I'd drive to the airport and jump onto the next plane - and that we will have the children for many weeks during holidays.

Parents are... parents. And grand-parents .... grand-parents. As it should be

I see my DD most days. GS of 6 and GD of 3. I help out ALL the time.
She has always said "can you do me a favour" but last week this changed to "I NEED you to pick GS up from school"
It made me feel very used. And I have the same problem as OP in that my OH likes to travel for a couple of months at a time; so I'm always trying to placate the two of them.

I am 64 (and on crutches at the moment so that means I cannot care for the GC mjust now) but my local DD does not want me to look after her children as a regular arrangement - she wants me to "be grandma" and do the jolly granparent things without having full responsibility for the children. She is lucky enough to be able to afford to be at home with her children but she is very clear that, were she to have to go out ot work, she would not expect us (or other set of grandparents) to be the main carers.

I am very clear that I could not physically manage 2 such young children for a full day (and my OH is unwell so could not help) and my DD would not expect me to.

I am going over to look after the children for 2 days next week while my DD and her OH go to London to a film premiere, but going with me is my friend (who is a nursery nurse) and another DD will also be around too to help. There is no way I would be expected to take this on myself.

cag was a new poster nina who was looking after her grandchild and it was making her very tired.

'scuse my ignorance. I understand "bumped up" but don't get the cag ??

DD and family are moving to our area in the New Year. DSIL has just been made redundant from the army and they chose to move here so I could help with child care.

DD is planning to return to full time work as soon as she can find something. So this will leave me as full time carer for 8mth old and 3 yr old.

I must confess I am apprehensive about it, especially as 8 mth old has health probs and 3 yr old is on the spectrum (waiting to specialist)

We'll see how it goes, DH is very hands on so that helps.

bumped up for cag.

Do you want a discussion without persistently advertising, Michael?

Message deleted by Gransnet.

I am 68.
I have 9 dgc but only two live nearby-little boys aged 3 and 5.I do two half days which include a pick up from pre school at 12 for dgs2 and then a school pick up at 3.15 for dgs2.Until recently it was one full day [from 8.30am] and one half day.I found the full day absolutely exhausting but I love the half days and will be very sorry when they are both in full time school.I treasure the closeness of my relationship with them.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer when dgs1 was 2 weeks old so he was 6 months before I was well enough [post chemo] to do much.At one time I feared I wouldnt be around if he had a sibling but I am now past the 5 year mark and cherish my time with thwm [and their cousins].The boys' mum is my dd so we are all very close especially as I really love my son in law too.

I see my GC fairly regularly but there are some I see more than others. I have a 3 yr old on Tuesdays and her cousins call in after school and they play well together albeit noisily [why is it the minute children go to play outside it's queue for a scream?] and I have these cousins on a Wednesday. My youngest GD is just a year and I've no days left to have her although she'll swap with her sister when her sister goes to nursery.
I have them to give their mothers a break and feel very guilty if I have to attend a conference or meeting on days I'd usually have them, especially if I can't fit them in the rest of the week. I also have them in order to build up a relationship with them but I do find it immensely tiring. My DD is expecting a baby near to Christmas and needs support so whilst it's exciting I know that it won't be easy.
We live near our GC and are at the end of the phone which can be frustrating at times. With babies continuing to arrive we are planning a small conservatory to use as a playroom so we can keep the toys in one place and have our house back! It's not what I imagined 'retirement' would be but I love having a relationship with these little people. We're very lucky that our families appreciate what we do - especially the fact that the little ones are soooo tired when they leave us

It's to do with the expectation that we will either work and help look after the grandchildren to enable our children to further their careers [and aspirations] or retire from work and do so. With an element of guilt thrown in if we do choose to travel the world of go and live in a tent somewhere. Sort of. I'm pretty sure I know what was meant but can't [in my current scrambled state of mind] put words to it.

rose why is it anti feminist to care for children? I consider myself a feminist but believe it is not about what you do but the choice you have in doing those things. I do not want to be told by anyone that I should not do something because I am a woman. If I have misunderstood your post I apologise.

I think we've already done our bit.Feminism was something we fought for so why give it away at our age.If your daughter has a farm and a good job she can afford child are!

geordiejoy; It's lovely that they sent you the cd; mainly because it's something that they made a note of when you mentioned it and it proves that they appreciate what you do for them. I think that is vitally important because, once you start to feel undervalued, that's when the dynamics of your family relationships start to go aft agley. Also the important thing is that you're enjoying what you do.

geordiejoy, you dont sound like a fool to me! You sound like you have just the right balance, and it sounds rather fun!

Reading all the comments on this thread I began to think "am I a fool for doing what I do?" On Thursdays and Fridays I look after my 18mth old grandson after taking his 6yr old brother to school My son picks them up at 5pm. Yes I'm tired at the end of the day but I've had busy day which goes quickly and there's always funny episodes to think of relate to others.I think I'm making a contribution to the family and building a lovely relationship with my grandsons.
I'll be 77 later this year but don't feel it.I like to keep active and I'm sure If I didn't have the chidren to help with my life wouldn't have purpose.On the days the chidren are not here it is so easy to just sit.
Today, in the post I had a cd, which I happened to mention I might buy to my son last week,a present from my son and his wife.
Regardless of age do what you feel you want to do.I hope I've a few more years yet

Very difficult situation. I visit my 3 year old and 7 month old GDs as often as possible to help my son, as he is a stay-at-home Papa. Also I love spending time with them. At nearly 68 it is tiring but, if I lived close by I would help more so my son, if he wanted to, could return to work. I wouldn't want them to go into a nursery from a young age all day. It has been a grandparents role for years to help with the children. In some societies in the world it is the norm for woman to look after all their grandchildfen. However, nowadays many grandparents are still at work, I still work 2 days a week. One thing tho' it has become a family joke that whenever I visit I come away with a cold - my daughter says the same. It is obviously all the germs my oldest GD brings to the home from her playschool.

French and British friends have the same problems and pleasures regarding the care of GCs. I think that when you start questioning yourself about whether it is too much for you and for your partner - involved or not - then that is the time to stand back and possibly step down a little.

Why do people who have demanding jobs and possibly studying to do as well have children in the first place? Okay these things happen but I do feel that some children expect their retired parents to do rather more than is fair.

In the past I have helped with a little child care and helped my sons financially but the line has to be drawn somewhere. When my husband became ill and subsequently died nearly two years ago it brought home how precious this time together can be.

We share a house with our younger daughter and her family. We live downstairs and they live upstairs. When our daughter arrived here 5 years ago with her two older children she found a job working on hotel boats and we were looking after a 5yr old and a 3yr old all the time. When the season ended she came home. She has now remarried and has a 2 and a half year old and often we care for all three when she and her husband work. It is mostly down to my husband as I am disabled and he is my carer. They will go out shopping and leave the children behind just saying they are watching TV or doing homework (the two bigger ones are now 11 and 8) but there is never a thank you for looking after them. I say they have been good and there is a sense of disbelief! I say they have made things, done colouring etc but no interest is shown. We love having the children and reading to them, watching films, cooking all sorts but it is spoilt by the indifference. I have twin GS and GD in the UK who I have seen twice since they were born last year and I am so looking forward to seeing them in August. I would give anything to look after them and help my daughter when she works.

I have agreed to care for my Grandaughter for 23hrs a week. To be able to do this I have given up working 2days a week. I have said that my daughter should not ask me to babysit in the evening after caring for my granddaughter all day,which I think is fair. But,I know that my daughter and her husband would not be able to manage finacially if it wasn't for my help. Childcare is so expensive,the government really do need to do something about this. Not just for low income families but for working families too. It is a big strain on both generations.