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To want my DDIL to get fully and completely well...

(14 Posts)
Granb Wed 18-Jul-12 17:42:41

before she tries to conceive again after we lost DGS2 in January when he was only two weeks' old. The two weeks that he was with us were so incredibly difficult and stressful and horrible for DS1 and DDIL and the six months or so since have not exactly been a walk in the park for them either. They have both been so incredible at trying to make sure that they face everything full on and together as a couple, but.... we mums know that what DDIL has had to face and will face every single day is going to be different to that of DS1 - physically, mentally and emotionally. She has also not exactly been in the best of health understandably enough but is so desparate for a baby. DS1 is so worried about DDIL. Anyway they had what they called a 'chemical pregnancy' last month which appears to have been a very early miscarriage - naively had no idea what this was!

It is all such a worry but DDIL is our main concern especially as she suffered some pregnancy related health issues during her last pregnancy which really need to be investigated and which they cannot do if there is any chance of her being pregnant. I know that there is nothing that I can say (being a MIL and all that) but as we love her dearly we want her to be... well I would say happy but that is difficult at the moment.... in a better place, and we also want DS1 not to have extra worry and stress on top of his own feelings etc.

Apologies, but just needed to get off my chest.

Bags Wed 18-Jul-12 17:45:14

May I ask how old your daughter-in-law is, granb?

Granb Wed 18-Jul-12 17:49:39

She's only 30

Bags Wed 18-Jul-12 17:54:08

The reason I asked is that I was thinking age might make a difference to how quickly she recovers from the recent early miscarriage. I had a few and physical recovery did not take long. I doubt she will ever 'recover' from the death of the baby, but the fact that she wants to get pregnant again I would take as a good sign. Is she the mother of your other grandchild?

JessM Wed 18-Jul-12 18:19:05

My SIL had a miscarriage. Went to the hospital the following morning. She conceived a huge healthy boy just a few months later. And she must have been nearly 40.
Was there a cause of death established for your poor little baby grandson or was it a mystery?

whenim64 Wed 18-Jul-12 18:20:46

Chemical pregnancy is the term for a failed fertilisation that would not usually have been detected before a period was due, but for the highly sophisticated pregnancy tests that are available now. It can happen for a number of reasons like genetic deformity, problems with the lining of the uterus or other reasons that may need detecting if there are frequent such miscarriages. Sadly, it is only when there are repeated losses of a pregnancy that there will be an investigation. My daughter and her friends, who have had a wide variety of fertility problems, have been told by doctors to just keep trying, get good nutrition before they start trying, take folic acid, and have sex enough times to ensure they get pregnant.

It doesn't take away the concern after an experience like this, I know. I hope her health improves granb.

gracesmum Wed 18-Jul-12 18:59:22

I conceived DD1about 9 months after our DS1 died at 24 days. I suppose it can be to do with reasons, but I should have thought 6-12 months was OK depending on Mum's health. You just (understandably) want to spare them the worry and suffering for as long as possible, but as you will know - once you want a baby..........there is no stopping you. Good luck to them.

JessM Wed 18-Jul-12 19:00:26

Estimates of the number of pregnancies that fail like this are as high as a 50% though aren't they when so it is an absolutely normal thing. A little ball of cells that sticks to the wall of the uterus long enough to have a brief effect on the mother's hormones but then does not develop adequately to make an embryo. If the mother did not do a pregnancy test she would just think it was a late period.

Bags Wed 18-Jul-12 19:09:01

I echo the normality of early miscarriages. My second pregnancy miscarried at nine weeks. DD2 was born ten months later so clearly the very first egg after the miscarriage was a healthy one.

whenim64 Wed 18-Jul-12 19:23:08

Same here, Bags. After a 9 week miscarrage the doctor breezed out of my house saying see you in a year, and sure enough my second son arrived 11 months later.

fillygumbo Wed 18-Jul-12 20:18:26

just wanted to add what a lovely caring MIL granB, good luck to you all

Granb Sat 21-Jul-12 13:20:51

Thank you so much for your comments flowersflowers

DGS1 belongs to DS2 and is now nearly 14 months old - have been looking after him for last couple of days hence not able to respond.

DGS2 had downs syndrome and a couple of associated problems but what proved fatal was a totally unrelated and extremely, extremely rare liver disease (only one other neonatal in Europe during last 15 years apparently). DS1 and DDIL were totally rocked off course by finding out that DGS2 had downs syndrome - this was something they were totally unprepared for but this was immediately put to one side as something that they could cope with (they are both teachers) as it soon became apparent that DGS2 was very, very poorly. Turned out that his liver disease would only have been 'cured' by a transplant and as he was so ill, this was just not possible - as a result of the liver disease, a number of other organs were compromised.

DS1 and DDIL have been assured that DGS2's liver disease was so rare that they do not need to worry that will affect future babies (not genetic or chromosamal), and that they have as little chance of having another baby with downs syndrome as any other couple in their age group.

DDIL suffered with extremely horrendous migraine attacks during the latter part of her pregnanc with DGS2 and they need to investigate whether these were purely pregnancy related or due to some other cause. During early months of this year not something that DDIL wanted to deal with but.... does need to be checked out and as involves MRI scans etc not something that can be done if there is any chance at all of her being pregnant.

I just want her well and strong - whether to go on and have another baby or not - whatever they both want to do. Am, of course, also worried about DS1 and effect worry has on him (he does have broad shoulders but.... I can hear the strain in his voice at times). Think will suggest to them both that he takes on respnsibility of cooking for them both and that way he can 'monitor' DDIL's diet and wellbeing - and tell him that I need to know they are both well for my peace of mind and because I'm an interfering so and so smile

JessM Sat 21-Jul-12 14:15:06

Aww granb how sad. I guess it is possible that the difficulties that she experienced in that pregnancy were related to the fact that the baby was so unwell. They used to think the placenta was a barrier but not any more.
If she has had no migraine attacks since it is unlikely to be some underlying health issue is it?
Your DS is a teacher - all teachers get tired and worn down at this stage in the school year, so he may well perk up once he has a few weeks off.
There is a lot of emphasis put on diet and health these days as if it is the be-all and end-all - but apart from eating a balanced diet, most of this is sheer marketing hype. Your grandsons problems were not related to her diet, were they.
I hope that you can start to relax and tell yourself that it will be OK.
Put yourself in their shoes - would you, in their position, perhaps want to be trying for another pregnancy about now? I think I would. They will need your support and not be worrying about how much you are worrying.
So I suggest keep your worries to yourself - or bring them to Gransnet and project a positive and optimistic image in their direction.

Ariadne Sat 21-Jul-12 16:42:30

granb the migraine bit struck a chord with me. 42 years ago I was carrying twins, and about a week before they induced me I had my first ever, crippling migraine - the sort that numbs one side of the body. One of the babies was stillborn, and I have often wondered if the migraine was triggered by what was going on. I have absolutely no scientific evidence, just a gut feeling. I still have the odd migraine - more when I was having chemotherapy.

And, like other posters' situations, DS2 arrived 17 months later.