the other grandparents

I remember once, when GS1 was about two, we were looking through an album of recent family photos. We came to a photo of Nanny (the other granny) and he leaned forward and kissed her flipping picture!

I was green!

The relationship between the 2 sets of grandparents can often be uneasy. Our 2nd DD has two boys (1 and 3) and they live about 1 mile from SIL's parents and 11 miles from us. Inevitably the other GPs see a bit more of the children because it is so easy for them to pop in; and to start with I found that hard. SIL does quite a bit of work with his Dad so he is in and out all the time.

But....we have cornered the market in certain things that we do with the children, especially the older one. We are the ones that do music with him, read to him, discuss the universe (OH's territory) etc. - generally he does quiet things when he is with us and noisy ones with the other GPs. We have instituted certain rituals that relate to him being here and create a sense of security for him and give him something to look forward to when he comes.

It is so important not to compete, but to make sure that some of what you offer fills gaps in what others offer. It is certainly not about money or material things - it is about secure enjoyable rituals that make visiting a treat and a pleasure.

Your DD did rather mess up over the birthday. If the other GM is chirpy and forceful your DD probably just went with the flow and did not think - when you pointed out the problem she probably had a niggling sense of guilt (as someone else has suggested) - so I think that least said soonest mended now, as so often in these situations.

You are not just a babysitter - you are someone precious who can make their own unique contribution to this little chap's life and sense of security - and can give him lovely times to remember. It is about having confidence in what you can offer and not allowing yourself to feel intimidated by the other chaps who (nauseatingly) seem to have "done everything right." I am surprised that they did not make sure you were inviterd to the celebration straight away - not such great chaps then maybe?

Fergie also bear in mind that it might have been a bad day for your daughter. I know it's no excuse, but she is only human, and it sounds as though she is under pressure too!

Just keep smiling and loving them all, I'm sure you will sort it out

Sometimes I wish my younger DD would have a word with her older sister. But It's no good risking spoiling their relationship.

How wise you sound Fergie and one can't put a value on that. Also intelligent and computer savvy - hopefully the chirpy one is none of these

Thanks NannaJeannie and Sel, lots of good advice in there. The idea of having toys here for when my grandson comes over is a good one and, later, as he gets older we'll be able to do more things together.
I could talk to my younger daughter about this, Sel, but I don't think it would be appropriate to get her involved - and I don't think she'd want to anyway. It would just blow it up into something bigger. But thanks for the idea.
Reading my initial post again, I can almost see the answers there, in-between the lines: value myself and, when the dust has settled, have a quiet, calm talk with my daughter.

Fergie So many emotions in a few paragraphs. I feel for you. I think the way you are feeling is perfectly understandable, most would do the same, I certainly would. That's not to say that your feelings of being marginalised and excluded are necessarily accurate but if that's how you feel then I don't think there is anything wrong about conveying that to your daughter, You were feeling hurt though and it's hard to handle a 'discussion' with daughter under those circumstances.

Possibly her anger and upset are tinged by some guilt on her part?

You mention she is your older daughter - could a younger one possibly intervene and explain quitely how you are feeling?

I did love your description of the other Grandma being 'annoyingly chirpy'

Bless you JO5! Feeling valued is at the crux of this. Yes it would have felt so nice to be included in some way - and for her response to have been, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but please come to T's birthday, it wouldn't be the same without you," rather than "it's your problem", which was the sort of message I got.

Draw a line under it fergie, you can't help it that the other grandparents are chirpy, you will have to just do what you can. Perhaps you could could build up a little stash of toys at your flat from car boot sales or charity shops, you can get stuff for 50p or £1. Your daughter will be relying on you for support as having a toddler will be tiring. Get a nursery rhyme book with pictures and be the nanna who teaches your grandson nursery rhymes, be consistent and he will love the repetition.

I am sorry but I speak as the 'chirpy' grandmother. Give Give Give (not money), its your job.

Start again

If any other gransnetters think I am harsh, then say so

And remember your grandson will never look upon you as "just a babysitter".

To start with, I think it was reasonable to let your daughter know how you felt about the birthday party being arranged there, without mentioning it to you beforehand. It would be good if your DD could have given you the opportunity to provide a bit towards the proceedings - perhaps supplying the cake or something.

Why do daughters think just because they have children they don't owe it to their mothers to provide them with just a little understanding? Surely they could manage both. I suppose it's because they are young.

All I can say is, keep talking to her. Try and do it nicely though. Definitely keep relationship sweet.