the other grandparents

Hi Fergie I am so not an expert on this but let me tell you about what my DD says about her in laws. firstly let me tell you that I raelly dont agree with all the present buying that goes on these days. Children open gifts, give them two minutes attention if your lucky and they are thrown to one side and forgotten Also let me agree that the "chirpy" attitude would p... me off eventually. But we are who we are and just have to accept that. My DD says of her inlaws that they are missing out big time as they do not want to spend much time with the GC(2of them both my DD as she is an only child). Their son(my DD partner) is a very quiet lad and doesnt comment but she says it hurts him. I have to say in their defence they did have my DD the GC and their son stay with them for a year!! Brave people. They spend quite a bit on the GC we do not. We do have them for W/E's as much as we can and act daft and have fun with them. Not saying we are right and they are wrong but DD does say she knows who the children will remember and want to be with.
Even being a GParent isnt easy at times is it? Just be your nice self to your GS and he will want to be with no matter what else anyone is doing.Xto youX

Have I missed howyou get on with the other GPs? If well, it might be worth becoming friends with the other granny and if something like the brthday incident recurs, offer her a contribution, such as the birthday cake so that you arrange it between you. We often meet uo with DD's parents-in-lw for a quick lunch before seeing DD, SIL and the DGC e.g. littlest one's 1st birthday tea. We each live about 75 miles away from DD and SIL but in different directions and the first time we arranged to meet without DD and SIL, DD was very suspicious asking why we were meeting them. My reply that we were going to talk about them took her aback somewhat!
If they are more generous with presents, you could offer "Granny cheques" e.g. for babysitting. It is so hard, but the others are right to advise you to resist feeling any competition. It will only lead to heartache. DDs do take their mothers for granted - that is our role and at the very leaast, it is good that she has a good relationship with her MIL, you hear so many horror stories where that is not the case.

I also like being taken for granted by my children , that is what in my opinion , is what a gran and grandad is for .

Don"t want them gushing all over us , we know they appreciate what we do for them .

[festive smile ] [f.smile]

Fergie it is 100% understandable that you are feeling left out BUT try and remember that your grandchild is NEVER going to say I dont love you because you dont have lots of money!!!

You are making money far too important in your role as a Mother and Grandmother, what matters is that you are kind caring and thoughtful.

And its very easy to have money when there are two of you working!!

About you daughter,, it sounds like she has a lot of pressure right now and she may even feel a little of what you are feeling that maybe she isn't good enough and that's why people say that money is the root to all evil because you are comparing yourself with the in laws through how much money they have!!!

Fergie let me tell you that when I was younger we started out in a humble flat surrounded by people that did not have much and as we got older my husband got a better job and we could afford a better house and we were then living next door to well to do people,, Well it was the worse time of my life and I missed my old very kind and helpful humble neighbours because the well to do neighbours were far from kind and helpful they were quite stuck up because they had money,, now tell me does that sound right to you?

Fergie know your own worth as a human being, cut your daughter a bit of slack because right now she needs you to be thinking of her and supporting her and if she did not come over to see you it would not be because she is trying to be horrid but simply because she is going threw a rough time right now best wished

Its sad that your daughter is not a bit more sensitive to your feelings but it is often the case that our children just take us for granted.

Don't ever try to 'compete' with the other grandparents. So long as you shower love on your grandchild he will always have a connection with you and love you.
Your daughter may feel she 'owes' her in-laws for what they have done but she is YOUR daughter and nothing can change that.

If you feel lonely, try to fill your time with some activities that involve meeting people. I think the more you have to do, then the less you will focus on the situation.

FergieSorry to hear of your distress .My only GD (age 12) lives 160 miles away so I only see her for a wkend every few months.Her other GPs live less than a mile away in a big house and are very affluent.She is their only GC so is showered with presents and clothes and visits them frequently.
I have taught her to knit and we share other interests e.g. painting.
We communicate by email and send each other photos etc.
My finances are tight .I said to my DD that it's difficult buying her presents when she already has so much.She understands my feelings and said 'but you always seem to find her interesting and different things' (often from charity shops or hand made)
Maybe you can find the right time( not Xmas) to express your feelings to your DD without any blame to anyone.
I'm sure you have special qualities and talents which you will be able to share with your GD
Do appreciate the time you are able to spend with her.
I have been denied contact with my GS for last 2 years.

I like being taken for granted by my daughter. It's what I expect her to do as she's known me all her life. That's what mothers are for.

It sounds as if your daughter is under all-round pressure and because she is so secure in your relationship, you are where she can offload. You are her backstop where she feels she doesn't have to make an effort maybe not even realising it. Just being 'nanna' who is there for them is all that your grandchildren will need to love you and, when the pressure eases, your daughter will ease up too.

I'd been wondering how you'd been doing Fergie You sound to have such insight into your own position and feelings but guilty for them. I think how you feel is quite natural, it's almost as if your daughter has been taken over by new parents. Who wouldn't feel the way you do under the circumstances? I think the advice you've been given by your niece and friend is exactly right and you, yourself said 'I don't want to aggravate the situation' That is a risk. It's possible your daughter is aware of your feelings already but has a lot on her plate and just want's you to be there and not say anything. Maybe she feels guilty but doesn't want any upset because that takes time (if you know what I mean)

I think feeling hurt and taken for granted sort of goes along with the job description of Mother! Maybe she has more growing up to do and when she does she will hopefully realise what a lucky girl she is.

Don't worry about the lack of contact except when you're needed, it's a norm for many.

Hello everyone, thanks for all your advice. Before becoming a grandparent for the first time, I had no idea of what it would be like but I suspect what I have been experiencing is a common problem and so a good one for a Gransnet discussion. I've heard it labelled "granimosity" - a sense of competition between the two sets of grandparents. It isn't quite like that for me. It's more a sense of feeling taken for granted. There are two issues for me.

First, before they rented the flat they are now in my daughter and her partner lived (pretty much rent-free) on the top floor of his parents' (the other grandparents) house, for about five years or more. (No sooner had they moved out than the OGs' daughter and her then-boyfriend took over the space.) The OGs's house is half as close to my daughter's new flat as my house and therefore quicker to get to, not to mention bigger. Because of this history I feel the OGs are acting in the same rather proprietorial vein, if unconsciously.

Second, my daughter's behaviour reinforces this view. I look after my grandson one whole day a week but in-between she does not make much effort to contact me - it can take her days to respond to a text, if she responds at all. I know she is busy, I know she is under pressure (as some of you have pointed out), but surely she could find the odd moment just to reply. It would make me feel valued, appreciated and acknowledged.

I feel quite hurt by this and am struggling with it but I don't want to aggravate the situation. I have been advised by my (very wise) grown-up niece, a mother of a 21-year-old daughter herself, to do nothing; just stand back and my daughter will come to me in own good time, and that of course I am loved and valued by her. Another dear friend, a grandmother twice over, has suggested mentioning my feelings to my daughter at some appropriate time.

I don't want to be over-reactive or over-sensitive but I guess I just simply feel hurt and taken for granted, and angry too.

Aren't families difficult??? Fortunately I've not had the other grandparent problem: my SiL is 10 years older than my daughter and was youngest of a large family so his parents were as old as ours. As he is american we never met them before they died. My son,s girlfriend is Hungarian so we are not likely to have much contact with her mother. My only problem is mediating between the SiL and OH who is still convinced that his little girl was wickedly seduced by his one time best friend (admittedly true, but they have been married for 15 years now!) I must admit I feel quite spoiled really, it's nice to know that when Granny has done something nice it means ME!

Fergie I sympathise. For the last three years, my DS1's wife has been creating a gallery of family photos on a wall in their kitchen. Mainly of the children but there are several photos of her parents with the children. Every time I go there it cuts me to the quick that there are no photos of me and DH included but I can't bring myself to say anything about it. I know I could provide a photo of us and suggest she includes it, but thats not the point - if I have to do that, its not meaningful..do you get my drift? I don't fret about it too much though - it only strikes me when I visit.

Fergie does your DD feel she has to do as MIL suggests after living with them for so long,maybe your DD feels she has to show MIL how well she looks after her son and grandchild,your DD may not feel she has anything to prove to you as you give unconditional support just the same as all mums do with their DDs your DD will know this and has just had a "baby brain moment" not thinking to keep you in the loop something which I think has not been done intentionally,your DGC will be delighted in the future with learning rhymes and songs when in your charge and will certainly enjoy your Nanna input to his future development.

I suspect that we are the 'other grandparents' to all our grandchildren but I put that down to our 'natural' grandchildren (as opposed to our 'step' grandchildren, who are older) having our daughters as their mothers! Although, our girls are very concerned to be fair to their MiLs and I try to make sure they are too.

I think that it is important, as others have said, to be special for something not just buying presents. My 4 year old granddaughter loves musicals (can't imagine where she gets that from!! ) and that is our special thing to do together. Currently, we can both recite 'Beauty and the Beast' word for word, including the adverts!! She then acts it out for me - such fun!

Whever it comes from .

Children can never have too much love .

Not often I agree with JO5 but on this occasion I think she is spot on when she advises 'be yourself'. If there is one thing children pick up on, from an early age, it is falseness in relationships. They just know who really loves them and will readily accept that you are sometimes cross, as long as it is not all the time!

Fergie I have often felt that I was left out of the loop as far as arrangements for celebrations, days out, etc. were concerned. DD1, apologising once again for 'forgetting' to tell me the arrangements, explained that she tends to think I will already know as I am so much part of the family. I can remember my own mother complaining that I was the same, took her for granted, which was true as I had to tread on egg shells with my VERY difficult MIL and just expected my DM to fit in with any arrangements made to suit MIL. Maybe an element of that with your DD?

Mishap has put it far more eloquently than me, 'corner the market' is what I meant with a toy box and nursery rhymes, you will be repaid a million times over when DGS asks for the first time for you to re-sing a nursery rhyme.

Our DGS could hardly talk, but he loved listening to my inane singing, then he said 'York!' which of course meant 'would you please sing the grand old duke of york again nanna please'

You 'can't compete' - well, competition isn't the issue. Two sets of GPs competing materially would probably make for a rather spoilt GC! Your input is on your own terms and there are plenty of suggestions already on this thread. The important thing is that you can give your little GS all the love and emotional support in the world. Have fun with him.

Go with the flow, Fergie. I do recognise the feeling of not being as 'interesting' as the 'other' grandma! I was always working shifts when the DGD's were young and had little input regarding babysitting etc until my job changed and I was able to look after them while their own mother did shifts. However, I used to gather up odd things such as old aluminium teapots, and clocks, dressing-up clothes and hats that had sequins and net, - just odd bits and pieces - and I kept them in an old suitcase. The DGD's made a beeline for it when they came visiting, and even now, in their 20's they still talk about it!
Your DD may just be finding it hard to say what she really feels to her MiL, but seems to be 'dismissive' of you. There's every chance that she just didn't think - and your own need to talk about your feelings might make her feel as if she's needed and that's perhaps more than she can deal with at the moment? Try to stay steady and available? She won't just be seeing you as a babysitter - she'll be worrying about all sorts of things to do with her financial situation etc - just as many of us have had to do. There are times when we feel a bit vulnerable, though - as you are feeling now. It'll settle, without a doubt.

Wise words, as usual. NellieSmol

Don'ty try too hard though. It's tiring. And it doesn't work. Just be yourself. Including shouting when you need to.

We all bring something different into our Grandchildrens lives, which is a good thing is it not? You will only be sidelined or left out if you let it happen.. the other grandparents can't help their circumstances anymore than you can just be glad they are in your grandchilds life and are supportive. They will appreciate you all for different reasons..

Chirpy granny is just one portion of little ones life,you are another,and with mummy and daddy you all make one whole,each person may be an individual but collectively you ALL are his whole worldxxxxfergie love nellie

I agree with NannaJeannie it is your job to give of your time. You should not be taking umbrage over something as minor as where a party is held. I do not expect DIL to consult me over where GC's party will be unless I am footing the entire bill. Life is too short to be jealous of the other GPs, each set are unique, embrace the difference. I would not argue with DD life is stressful enough trying to juggle jobs and chilcare. Enjoy your GC, don't spoil it.