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Xmas presents

(76 Posts)
carol123 Sat 22-Dec-12 02:05:14

Ok am I being unreasonable or oversensitive about this? Our son and DIL have moved to the other side of town - they previously lived locally. Everyone in our extended family used to just drop in to each others homes - theirs included during the day or early evening and it was a nice easy visiting time at any time.
Since they moved they have shunned any ad hoc visits and its all appointments - even then the DIL does not really want most members of our family around and is conveniently busy when anyone wants to pop in.
We have lots of presents here for the grandchildren from us and our family aunts cousins etc. I text her today to ask when its ok for us to drop off the presents and cards. She has replied Xmas Day which is when we are being invited for lunch with them. I feel so sad that the kids will not get anything from us until the afternoon in this case. And the fact that she doesnt want us around for any time except for lunch. Is it me or do others see this as a snub.

janeainsworth Sat 29-Dec-12 13:05:36

carol the thing that strikes me is your decision to go away next Christmas - why don't you invite them to yours?
Your DiL obviously made a huge effort with Christmas Day and if I was her, I think I'd be feeling rather upset that you've expressed your gratitude by saying you're definitely not going there next year!

Nanado Sat 29-Dec-12 13:08:51

I was quite offended by my daughter's Christmas present to me. I'd hinted to both 'children' I'd like some new PJs. My lovely DiL bought me a great trendy set size 12/14 but my DD bought me a horrid pair in size 16. I naturally accepted with a smile muttering something about liking to have lots of room in them. I look like a Womble in them and have to hold onto the bottoms to stop them falling down hmm
Any other awful presents put there?

Nelliemoser Sat 29-Dec-12 13:39:23

DD, Sil and little baby came over on Thursday for a Chrismas visit. Well over half way of the 50 miles here, DD realised she had left all our Christmas presents behind.grin (She was very embarrassed.)

First time overnighting with the baby & seeing how much baby stuff they had crammed into the car I am not surprised.

annodomini Sat 29-Dec-12 13:40:35

What is wrong with going to your DS and DiL's house next Christmas? Perhaps this is a tradition that they are establishing, as every couple has a right to do. It is good for small children to be in their own home with their own toys at Christmas. As I've already said, it's a confusing time for them. And having someone to do the Christmas cooking is a huge bonus as far as I'm concerned. I have one son who used to be a chef and another who is a great veggie cook and good with puddings. All the mums and I have to do is to enjoy each other's company (and we do) and drain a few glasses. I am also worried by your assertion that you won't accept the invitations to your GCs' birthday parties. Doesn't it occur to you that they will be disappointed not to have their grandparents there? Moreover, they will come to believe that they don't matter to you. Please, please take every opportunity to relate to them or you will surely regret it later.

Granny23 Sat 29-Dec-12 14:08:09

JessM I cannot resist the opportunity your post has afforded to retell my favourite blush story from our early married life. DH & I were to attend my Father's works dance with my parents and had arranged to pick them up en route, but as my sister was more or less passing our door she gave them a lift to our house to save time. Meanwhile, we were getting ready to go but when I popped into the kitchen, wearing only bra, stockings and suspenders, DH leapt from the bath, dripping wet (and minus his 4 front teeth plate) and started to chase me round and round the house, with back humped, dragging a leg and emitting bloodcurling groans. I fled before him, screaming like a Saturday matinee heroine.

Meanwhile, my parents waiting patiently on the doorstep, having rung the bell (which did not work) became alarmed by the noise and tentatively opened the door to be greeted by me in my scanties, screeching across the hall pursued by an apparition bearing a slight resemblance to their new SIL. They quietly closed the door, waited 10mins and knocked again. The matter was never mentioned again, but they certainly never, ever entered our house unannounced thereafter. grin

Marelli Sat 29-Dec-12 14:25:57

Granny23 - gringrin!! I'm still laughing!

soop Sat 29-Dec-12 14:26:13

Brilliant! Granny23 grin

JessM Sat 29-Dec-12 14:58:21

Thanks for that laugh!!! Wonderful. Mumsnet do not have the monopoly on such goings on.

janeainsworth Sat 29-Dec-12 15:11:39

In 1969 when I was 19 DH and I were living in sin in my bedsitter in South Manchester.
The landlady had made it clear that one boyfriend was acceptable, but she did not want a string of different lads appearing at all hours of the day and night.
One Saturday my parents 'dropped in' at about midday.
'We called earlier on our way into town, about half-past eight,' my Dad said. 'But we saw Ian's car outside so we thought we'd better come back later!'
Good call, Dad.
Like others we have an open door policy for the children, but I wouldn't dream of appearing at theirs without texting or phoning first. But as one lives 200 miles away and another 3000 miles, it's not really a problem sad

nanaej Sat 29-Dec-12 15:38:35

carol123 I can only see the person missing out by going away for Xmas & not attending birthdays is you! The children will start to see you as a distant relative who is not particularly interested in them!
I can see that it is hard that your previous role appears to have been altered by the move to be closer to other granny but really sounds like your DiL made a great effort to include you at Xmas & your response is more negative than the situation you describe deserves. Think carefully before you cause an un-healable rift.

soop Sat 29-Dec-12 15:50:28

more wise words from nanaej

Nanado Sat 29-Dec-12 16:14:29

granny23 that's priceless grin

crimson Sat 29-Dec-12 16:36:52

Maybe carol is pre empting any hurt that could arise next year? I'm only saying that because I'm in a similar situation at the moment myself and am making plans so I can pretend that I'm not bothered by what's going to happen [or not happen]; ie 'it's ok because I was going away that day anyway'. I can actually sit back and see what I'm doing and criticise myself for it but still seem to go ahead and do it.

Nonu Sat 29-Dec-12 17:28:14

ThThink it depends on the grandmother jess m ! smile

JessM Sat 29-Dec-12 17:52:46

Yes well I am definitely not suggesting that we are all up to such shocking behaviour! grin

Nonu Sat 29-Dec-12 18:11:50

What shocking behaviour ?


Faye Sat 29-Dec-12 19:15:38

carol123 don't feel hurt, your DIL was probably feeling overwhelmed with a large family popping in unannounced at all times of the day. Don't make problems when there really are none.

Granny23 That is soooo funny. grin

mrsmopp Sat 29-Dec-12 19:32:17

Lets get things in perspective.
Your family used to live local but have moved to the other side of town. To me that is still local. I have to travel for hours to see anyone in my family, as do lots of gransnetters.
You have been invited to Christmas lunch. Well I have never been invited to lunch by my kids- they come to me every time. Of course it's lovely to see them and we get on we'll but oh, it would be bliss to go to theirs for a change.
Thirdly you have grandchildren - oh you are so lucky!! I have been told categorically not to expect any grandchildren, ever. My kids are NOT interested.
So in the nicest possible way, please please count your blessings.

Deedaa Sat 29-Dec-12 23:19:42

granny23 that's the best laugh I've had all Christmas grin I could just picture the whole thing, it reminded me of the way my father used to swing from the door frame making gorilla noises (don't ask).

carol123 Wed 02-Jan-13 02:06:56

Things just got worse. You know when u visit and u can sense an atmosphere well thats how it was Xmas Day
Well I saw my sister yesterday and apparantly DIL visited her Xmas Eve to meet my niece who shes friendly with (the free hairdresser) Apparantly she spent the whole time she was there running down my son and telling them that he has said he wants to leave her as hes not happy there. She said she told him if he left he would have to do his own cooking cleaning ironing washing pay his own bills and pay for their house and maintenence for the kids. Now he is quite lazy around the house but so is she if Im honest.
Im really worried now - apparantly BIL walked out into the other room as he didnt want to hear it especially on Xmas Eve, and sister just sat there wondering what was going on.
I am staying well away and pretending I dont know about it as its none of my business anyway. But I am really worried as I know he isnt the same anymore and very rarely calls in or talks to us so cant really have a heart to heart with him. But its funny he did mention going to visit a friend abroad when we were over there Xmas Day so if he does do a runner I wouldnt be surprised. The grandson would be heartbroken if they split up - but I dont think they will be together for much longer.

carol123 Wed 02-Jan-13 02:08:13

The thing is I thought they were on edge cause we were there - how wrong can u be!

JessM Wed 02-Jan-13 06:32:01

Carol sorry to hear about this and I see you are very worried. Posting at 2 am.
We do tend to take things personally don't we - I remember learning this lesson when I thought a senior manager was annoyed with me and then discovered his mother had just died.
I don't know how well you normally get on with your son - but is there an option on asking him to meet up with you for a coffee or something and trying to get him to talk to you? Say you're worried that he doesn't seem happy? (I wouldn't mention gossip info though. I don't think that would be helpful!)
If they are still together maybe Relate might be able to help. He could go on his own if she won't go with him. He has a lot to lose and so do your grandchildren.

carol123 Wed 02-Jan-13 13:03:36

I cant believe that I thought neither of them wanted us really and that they didnt want us around except for Xmas Day lunch. And all the time that we havent been invited over there since they moved I thought DIL didnt want his family around. Now I know why and I cant blame her.

Feel so sorry for DIL as she is going to be on her own with the kids. No wonder she cut off from all his family - apparantly they havent been getting on for over 6months now - maybe even longer.

This explains why he no longer visits and chats to us - I think hes probably got someone else (he did this once before about 4yrs ago) and he used us as an alibi saying he was visiting our home. We honestly knew absolutely nothing about it until DIL told us and we definately were not on his side at all, and condemmed him for it. Now I think back the last time she visited she mentioned the affair and how he used us and DD (who also knew nothing about it) as alibis. Maybe she suspects hes at it again.

They have a baby now of 8months and a 4yr old - the oldest will be so devastated. I just hope she continues to visit with the kids after they part.

I cant tell them I know as it came in confidence from my sister but really think its best we stay out of it again We didnt comment or talk to them about it last time (apart from telling son that it was not right and we didnt approve) and they managed to get it back together so prehaps they will again.

JessM Wed 02-Jan-13 13:32:57

Be nice to your DIL!

kittylester Wed 02-Jan-13 13:59:08

Precisely Jess, that way you might still get to see the grandchildren and they will need you around. What an awful mess carol you must be devastated. sad