Intimidation by daughter

Everything that's being said applies to my own relationships with my family. My eldest daughter isn't so bad and her younger sister is really quite respectful now, after we'd been estranged for such a long time (another thread). In fact, regarding that, we're both very respectful of each other (eggshell-walking on my part, usually). My son can be quite impatient with me, though. He tells me that I repeat myself -"You've already said that, Mum" - and I know when I'm doing it, but don't seem to be able to stop myself. I think I do it more when I'm trying to keep a conversation going. I do 'nip' back though, and he then comments that he wasn't meaning to be sharp with me. Nanado is right when she says we perhaps give to freely of ourselves.

nightowl
The secret is to look enigmatic, perhaps you could practise this in front of a mirror! But make sure you're alone when you do it

Seriously there is a fine line here I agree. It depends on what works in your family. Some people might be better meeting it head on with the 'give me a break darling' approach. Only you know what works between that unique relationship twix mother and daughter. I know mine wants to draw me in so she can shoot me down, so I don't allow that any more. She has to come to me.

Daughters? Who'd have 'em ?

I remember mr.glamma giving out the orders to my DCs that when you take to your mother you speak as though you are speaking to the Queen Mother and don't ever forget it.They where teenagers at the time and it was directed mainly to DS1 but they all got the message loud and clear.(only time I really heard him raise his voice like that)

^^ should read talk to your mother,must spell check !!

I think respect and tolerance have to be reciprocal for either to work. I don't think my daughters owe me more respect than I owe them. This approach seems to work.

I tend to meet my daughters head on, especially the eldest. She has always been one for going on and on and makes heated situations worse than they need to be. She also does it to D2, so it's not just me.

I think if you tip toe around people, especially daughters, they take advantage of you.

Agree with you Bags but as we grow older and are sensitive to the knowledge that we may indeed become less robust, or develop conditions as serious as dementia, the odd thoughtless comment, or joke amout memory, may press buttons that have never been pressed before for us. Personally, I don't intend precedents to be set that allow for such careless use of language, so I'm putting my foot down. Banter has its place in my family, and my lot have learned there is a line you don't cross, which is reciprocal, but it may be that the line needs a little tweak. The previous generation did occasionally cross that line and our parents allowed it, but we know so much more now, and the dignity of the elderly has become something we are having to address in a society where pensioners and baby-boomers have received so much flak of late. Now I'm realising that I want my children to raise their game for when I need them to advocate for me, which could be a long time off, yet. I probably have no reason to worry, but hearing a jokey remark about senility from my son certainly heightened my awareness. He did look taken aback when I challenged him, poor love, but woe betide him if he tries it again!

Nice to know I'm not the only one. Just before Christmas we all went to a concert in a church I've not been in before. During the interval my DD spotted me looking for the loo. She took my hand, led me to the 'ladies' and asked me if I wanted her to wait outside. I told her I had changed my mind and had decided to wait until the end of the performance. I loved the look on her face when I said, 'But then I might wee all over the seat so I'd better go now'

I don't have a problem with my DDs but once when DD1 and SiL picked me up from the station, and I had seated myself in the car, Sil said to DD1 'Is your mother alright in the back there?'
I made it clear that not only was I comfortable but I was also not deaf either and I am glad to say there has been no repetition

I am quite comforted by this thread as I have concerns about my current relationship with DD and her family, and have thought it's just me. I'm 69 and lead a busy and well organised life, secretary to three groups, volunteer in a local group, and a good social life. But often when I am with her and her family I feel as though nothing I say is given any consideration, and my remarks are met with amused tolerance or total lack of interest. She's been through some very rough times in the past, and I've always been there for her. I know she appreciates that, but now that she and her kids are in a settled family unit with a man they all love, I feel shut out when they are all together. Yet when it's just the two of us, she listens to what I have to say and respects my views. Luckily I'm not one to brood, but it can feel hurtful sometimes.

Oh I am not alone then!!
My eldest DD has always been a strong character and was, shall we say, challenging as a teenager. She has mellowed now she has my 2 DGC, but I still "get into trouble" - or feel I do, when I am caught out spoiling the boys or believing the older one when he assures me that he is allowed something! "Yes Mummy lets me have 2 chocolate buttons....."
I do think I am too sensitive and I can remember nearly bursting into tears when she asked if I always have a glass of wine in the evening as I thought she was criticising. She certainly does!! That brought her up short and she realised that she had upset me - but if the question had come from anybody else, I wouldn't have given it a second thought.
Ultimate compliment though was when she told elder boy that Mummy knows best and she had learned that from Granny, so she must be right.

I don't have daughters but obviously I have been one. I'm afraid I might have had this effect on my mother, though she often took the opportunity to rub me up the wrong way.

jane, your story reminds me of one. My mother didn't learn to drive until she was in her fifties and she was not a 'natural', always ever so cautious and slow, but she got around for a few years until her sight failed.

Nce when we went to visit, she picked DDs1 and 2 and me from the railway station. As we crawled along to her house, DD1, aged about five, sitting in the back, said: "Does grandma drive?"

Out of the mouths of babes!

once

Bags

Thank you all so much for the advice, laughs and affinity! I know as a young Mum I wanted my children to be strong, capable people - now they are I cannot cope with it!!! I will try and adopt some of the suggested techniques! Now all I have to do is master reversing down her drive with the whole family watching and waving - that ability is not too good with arthritic neck and total inability to reverse on my mirrors!! Soooo embarrassing - especially when the gorgeous 18 year old grand daughter says "would you like me to do it for you Nana" and every part of my being wants to say "yes please" but that little part of my brain says "cheeky" as I zig zag backwards down a long driveway!!{grin}

Driving backwards and parallel parking - neither of these ever get any practice where I live. I used to be a brilliant parallel parker. I remember on one occasion I was so proud. Both DSs there. "I'm so proud of myself getting into that space" Neither of them would believe I had done it. So not only daughters...

I think someone has mentioned this. But I have terrible guilt about the way I spoke to my Mother. I see it in the way my DD speaks to me.
When my GS was smaller she said to her Husband " I will die if ....... ever speaks to me the way I speak to my Mother" and yet, she still does it.
I just keep shtum. Well most of the time.

I feel unbelievably lucky to have such a good relationship with my own DD having read some of the difficulties some GNers have had. I'm not feeling smug btw, just thankful.

Jammie what an interesting thread this is. When I was seriously ill a few years ago, I learned to hand over the reins and quite enjoyed and appreciated being looked after by my children. As soon as I was back on my feet, I was my original, independent self and they didn't question how things were. They could gauge for themselves that I was ok. I was back at work in a responsible job.

Since I retired, I have let go of the identity I had as a professional, and haven't looked back. I'm happy as mum, nana, sister, friend. I wonder whether the children see that as a sign of me getting old, whereas I see it as the next stage of my life? A close friend commented yesterday that her daughter assumes she and her husband have had their life now they are retired and she has had an op for a new knee - this, despite him still lecturing at uni now and again and her doing OU studies. Perhaps we are all renegotiating our relationships as we get older and enter new life stages?

Maybe our children feel we should fall into role, but this generation of over-60s don't fit the stereotypes of old people any more.

I also think that sometimes the irritation that children show towards ageing parents is because of fear. They do not want us to become infirm, forgetful, frail etc and when they think they see signs of this they worry and this can sometimes provoke a heavy response! I know I was like that when my mum first became ill... when I realised it was terminal I changed but at first I was so afraid of losing her and that was my way of responding..crazy but how it was!
My OH though was always irritated by his mother's deafness to the point of rudeness and I often had to tell him to stop being so impatient with her!

Same here, moomin

Now I am going to try to be objective- is this not a bit like our daughters asserting themselves as alpha females in the family unit? I am reminded of the spats some fathers endure with their sons and it all makes me think of a David Attenborough scenario where the alpha male is kicked out of the herd/tribe/pack by a young buck. I would find it very easy to believe that we as mothers are undergoing something similar from our daughters. They are asserting themselves as adult females, wives and mothers and when you think of how often mothers do try to influence their daughters whether in child rearing or cooking - is it surprising? I am not saying any of you are guilty of it, but that daughters are programmed to assert themselves.
So it's nothing personal - isn't that a relief?

I think you're right, graces.

I can echo most of what has been said by the rest of you, including me "speaking like that" to my mother.
Right now I am getting nagged by my DD about how dated the kitchen is, (its late 1980s but very efficient to work in and has excellent cupboard space etc.)

I intend to renew the work tops and the flooring and repaint, I cannot see the point in changing the cuboards or having an integral dishwasher or fridge etc.
I could afford to but I don't see why I should, so why do I feel I ought to because she thinks its old fashioned, and yes, it is a bit shabby? (I also get nagged about my colour schemes elsewhere in the house, largely apricot tones.)

I do get annoyed about this but I do begin to think I should do something about it. I need to find ways of not letting her get at me, and not just react negatively out of bloody mindedness because, she, has shown dissaproval.

Now if the late 1980's were back as Retro fashion it would be ok.