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91 year old father

(36 Posts)
kassi Fri 15-Mar-13 18:56:09

My 91 year old father needs full time care. The problem is that he smokes 30 a day. No care home will take a smoker. Even smoking outside is no longer allowed. I am at my wits end with what to do. He has all his faculties and is totally aware of what is going on, but is nicotine dependant. A recent overnight stay in hospital saw him crawling the walls with nicotine withdrawal. Any suggestions welcome.

Mishap Fri 27-Mar-15 19:29:34

flowers for you kassi.

harrigran Fri 27-Mar-15 19:06:24

So sorry kassi flowers

loopylou Fri 27-Mar-15 18:47:20

Oops, meant not happy

Eloethan Fri 27-Mar-15 18:39:57

kassi I'm so sorry to hear of your dad's death.

I think most people feel all sorts of conflicting emotions after someone close has died, and you are naturally upset that his last few months were not happy.

You were obviously concerned and distressed about your dad and you did your best in a difficult situation.

I hope when your sadness lifts you will remember those photos and the happiness they reflected.

loopylou Fri 27-Mar-15 17:16:31

I'm sorry to hear this Kassi, really sad time for you flowers
You're bound to be feeling low, you've lost a much loved father, with wonderful memories although the last few months have been happy.
I'm sure you did everything you could for him, hugs to you x

kassi Fri 27-Mar-15 17:11:43

Dad died on Monday. I am really really struggling to process this because I found some photos when clearing his room. They don't show the miserable old man that I visited. They show a happy, smiling man having a whale of a time. I feel down and confused and miserable.

Riverwalk Sat 17-Jan-15 17:01:01

I live near a BUPA home and often see a couple of residents outside having a smoke - it's a nice garden area with tables and chairs.

It's very cruel to forbid a man of that age a little pleasure.

I can see it could be difficult accommodating a 30-a day habit though.

Kassi have you thought of renewing your search for a home that permits smoking?

Nonu Sat 17-Jan-15 16:55:21

This very sad for your Dear father and you, He doesn't seem to have much quality of life, I can"t add any more than previous posters , can only send kind thoughts across the miles.

durhamjen Sat 17-Jan-15 16:13:30

My mother-in-law is not a smoker, but she was in a home run by Barchester where staff would take residents out into the garden so both could smoke, in huts in the garden if the weather was bad.

SloeGinny Sat 17-Jan-15 12:11:33

My Mum, a confirmed smoker, spent the last 2 years of her life in a care home. Residents had designated smoking rooms, with efficient extractors, and could smoke in the courtyard gardens when the weather was good. Staff would help non-mobile residents to get there. This was only 18 months ago, so there are care homes with facilities for smokers.

It wasn't something we set out to look for, but realised with hindsight that Mum wouldn't have consented to be somewhere she couldn't smoke. She said it was her only remaining pleasure. Like others, we didn't have a good experience with home carers.

absent Fri 16-Jan-15 19:31:30

Obviously there is an issue about subjecting the people who work in care homes to second-hand smoke as they may well be needed in a smokers' room to help someone get out of a chair, for example. Other residents would not need to go into the smokers' room so would not be at risk. However, it is perfectly possible to install an efficient filtration system – the business class lounge at the airport in Singapore had a superb system in its smoking room – but I would guess that no one wants to spend the money required.

Nicotine patches can be a great help when people are trying to give up smoking but there is more to a smoker's pleasure than satisfying a nicotine addiction. The physical act of smoking and the routine, such as the after-lunch and after-dinner cigarette, also have a role. I would also think that it is very hard to be treated like a naughty child at the age of 91.

Mishap Fri 16-Jan-15 19:27:17

I am not surprised he is sad, and you cannot alleviate these degenerative problems for him poor man. That is hard for you both. You can only do your best.

My OH (a doc) once said that the professor of geriatric medicine who taught him asked him what the most common pathology was in the elderly - my OH guessed arthritis, but the prof said no, it was depression.

hildajenniJ Fri 16-Jan-15 19:06:47

My 91yr old father went into a care home on Wednesday. They have a dedicated smokers room agreed by the authorities. After all you can smoke in your own home, and a care home is your home if you need looking after 24hrs a day.
I was really surprised, as the care home I worked in banned smoking indoors and the poor service users had to shiver in the garden when they wanted a cigarette.

soontobe Fri 16-Jan-15 18:20:12

I agree.

absent Fri 16-Jan-15 18:12:33

Prisoners can smoke but not an ex-serviceman in a care home? Doesn't seem right.

soontobe Fri 16-Jan-15 18:01:11

Ask him what he would like?
He may list 9 things that cannot happen, but you may be able to improve one thing for him?

loopylou Fri 16-Jan-15 17:54:52

He sounds seriously depressed*kassi*, poor man. Has he been seen recently by a GP?
Must be so hard for you seeing him like it (( hugs)) to you and him x

kassi Fri 16-Jan-15 17:39:43

Just to add... He is in a wheelchair. He is permanently catheterised. His sight is failing. His hearing is poor, even with hearing aids.

His mind is still ok.

He just looks SO SAD.

Can't exactly ask him what he's been up too!

We tell him what's been happening with us, but little or no response.

Mishap Fri 16-Jan-15 17:14:58

That is sad. My Dad went into a home when he was 92 and enjoyed watching the TV at least - and was always a good person to visit. And the staff enjoyed his weird sense of humour too.

My Dad had a broken pelvis, then acquired a fractured femur in hospital (that's another story!) and it was ll downhill physically then.

Poor chap - your Dad obviously feels his life has come to an end - I know that mine was just drifting along towards the end at this stage. You have done all you can - there is no more you can do, nor the home. It is a trial for you all and I am sorry he has not settled.

kassi Fri 16-Jan-15 16:46:22

I am ressurecting an old thread of mine. I think maybe members with parents who are smokers might be interested.

Dad was in a really difficult situation regarding his smoking. No care home would have him.

He became unwell and was admitted to hospital. He was there for 5 weeks. Of course, he was unable to smoke whilst in hospital. No choice. I removed 500 cigs from his home and sold them.

He returned home and had 'carers'. Joke.

He then went into a home as a none smoker.

He is now 93. Still in the 'home'.

He hates it. He has had a DVT and a broken hip since being there. He had survived 2 six hour operations .

I have nothing but praise for the home. They have bent over backwards to help him acclimatise and socialise, but he is having none of it. He was always anti social. He will not join in or take part in any activities. Nothing.

He stares out of the window all day. Visiting is a misery for us and him too.

He wants his old life back. He had all his faculties and cannot come to terms with what has happened to him.

I don't enjoy visiting.

suzied Mon 18-Mar-13 06:25:10

I'm surprised an ex serviceman,s home doesn't cater for smokers as didn't everyone in the war smoke? At least that's what my 93 yo MIL (30 a dayand no intention of stopping) tells me, and I'm sure she's right. Both my parent smoked but they are long gone, both from smoking related illnesses.

Nanban Sun 17-Mar-13 19:41:59

Oh crikey - I looked at the heading 91-year old father and assumed that he was coming on for advice re parenthood!!!!! That aside, my 92 year old aunt asked for nicotine patches - of course she didn't understand the concept of only one at a time, but she did cope against all expectations.

Galen Sat 16-Mar-13 12:21:26

As an ex smoker. I agree, it is their home and there should be facilities!

granjura Sat 16-Mar-13 11:36:02

Just asked OH as he looked after many OAP homes. Many used to allow smoking in the person's room, unless they were a danger, eg, dropping cigarettes, falling asleep while smoking, etc. If they were a danger, they would ask one of the staff to volunteer to go and be present a few times a day for a smoke, but not 30 a day. This has changed since the new smoking in public law, but he does not know of any OAP home that would not allow someone to smoke outside in a designated area.

I'd discuss this with Age Concern and also with my local MP. I ma totally against smoking, but an OAP home becomes someones home, and therefore their rights should be respected.

granjura Sat 16-Mar-13 11:09:53

Where my parents were, there was a small smoking room with a telly for the few residents that did smoke - 2 out of 13 when they were there.