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daughter problems

(40 Posts)
Thistledoo Tue 02-Apr-13 14:27:04

Hi, I was wondering if anyone out there could give me some advice. I have a daughter who is 37, is in the final stages of a divorce and has a 5 year old daughter. She lives about 3 miles from us and we do most of the childcare for her, plus a load of other things too, which I wont go into here as I dont want to sound like a martre. About 2 years ago she started a relationship with a man, moving him into her flat full time. We discovered very quickly that this person was a known criminal with a string of offences and had served a lengthy jail term. To put it mildly we were concerned, not for my daughter but for the small child. We then discovered that he was a heroin addict into the bargin. We voiced our concern to her in no uncertain terms only to be met with vile verbal abuse. She was so angry with us that she withdrew her daughter from our care and we discovered that the boyfriend was looking after her on the days that we alotted to us. On learning this we gave my DD an ulimatum, that unless returned her daughter to us for care on these days we would tell her x who was looking after his child. She chose to ignore us, so we did just that and phoned him. As he lives 400 miles away it was difficult for him to act. He of course got in touch with Social Services. Which did nothing at all. He took her to court and it was agreed that if the new partner got onto a methodone program all would be well. Shortly after this the boyfriend assaulted my DD seriously enough to be cause extensive bruising about her body. He was arrested and charged but later admonished. This was at the request of DD as she sent a letter to the court saying she was to blame.
The relationship came to an end. Another boyfriend moved in, but alas 2 months on the drug addict is back..... moved in again, this time she tells me he is on a drug called Siboxone. and doing well. I and my family are very sad indeed. Now we are threatened with all sorts if we tell her x that he is back, but worse, my DGD is being gagged, not to tell her Daddy who is living in her house. She loves her mummy very much and if she should be taken away from her Im not sure what would happen to her or our family.

Mishap Tue 02-Apr-13 14:48:10

Go to Social Services - hard I know, but this child is an innocent party in this mess and, although taking action might sadly worsen your relationship with your daughter, you cannot leave things without securing the safety of this little lass.

kittylester Tue 02-Apr-13 14:55:46

thistledoo flowers

jess has given you the best advice. It's too important to try to manage on your own, get the professionals in.

kittylester Tue 02-Apr-13 15:04:16

Except it was mishap not jess. Sorry!!!!flowers

Movedalot Tue 02-Apr-13 15:29:01

You must be so worried. I agree, go to Social Services even though you went before, you really must try again.

I think this sort of thing happens quite a lot but others will have experience and be able to advise. Big hug.

Butty Tue 02-Apr-13 15:54:17

Thistle This is an awful predicament for you and your family. It's also a very delicate one.
I would certainly contact Social Services or the NSPCC (you can do this in complete confidence) to alert them to your concerns. As there has been violence, and your daughter's partner is on a Siboxone programme, then I would suggest this would warrant at least one visit by one of the agencies to assess the situation.
If you can, keep all lines of communication open with your daughter and granddaughter, as at best this will be good for you all, and at worst it will alert you to any further problems that may arise.
Wishing you all the very best. x

Thistledoo Tue 02-Apr-13 18:27:00

Thank you all for your support,you have no idea how cathartic it is to share this with others. You are all so kind and your advice has been taken on board. I have had care of my DGD this week as the nursery is closed, we have had lots of fun outside with her little friends despite the cold. My DD picked her up at 6pm and there is no communication between us. Her anger knows no bounds, so much so that my stomach churns when I hear her car approaching. I do try to keep the lines fo communication open, but think I am failing miserably. This Friday the little one goes to stay with her Dad 400 miles away and will be away for a week. I will relax for that time.

nightowl Tue 02-Apr-13 18:39:51

What a heart-rending story Thistledoo. Only one other thought - is there any way her father could take over her care at least until your daughter comes to her senses? Does he really have no idea that she is back with her ex, and will your DGD be able to keep this a secret?
I wish you and your DGD well flowers

Thistledoo Tue 02-Apr-13 19:06:24

Thank you nightowl, yes I am hoping and praying that DGD will reveal who is living in her home, but have a suspicion that she may have been theatened. I cannot be 100% sure, and if I'm wrong, it makes me look really bad. I can just hope maybe if she is asked outright he may be able to read her body language. She has only just turned 5 and unable to conceal her true feelings even though she will protect her mother.
I would like know more about this drug Siboxone, does anyone out there have any information about its use. Google refers to it as a wonder drug, but I am suspicious.

nightowl Tue 02-Apr-13 19:46:39

Sorry Thistledoo I have no specific knowledge of siboxone (suboxone?) but perhaps someone on here will have. I have worked with people on similar medication and I would be extremely worried about the presence of such drugs in the home of a young child - I am not trying to add to your worries but it is a dangerous drug.

Your daughter is expecting a lot of a five year old to keep such a secret (not to mention how abusive this is). I agree with others that you really need to involve social services. Also, if the divorce proceedings are not yet finalised these issues could be considered when looking at the arrangements for your granddaughter. I feel for you, you must be so worried. I do hope things can be worked out.

LullyDully Tue 02-Apr-13 20:24:56

I think you may need some professional help, perhaps Social services or NSPCC. You need to have an objective opinion. You must think of you GD before your DD as she is a child.That is hard and my heart goes out to you. Don't let it go!! You may live to regret it.

Notso Tue 02-Apr-13 20:29:04

This is a terrible situation for you thistledoo and an even worse one for your grandaughter.
The greatest gift you can give that little one is to relieve her of the horrendous burden of keeping her mother's secret about who is living in the house.

glassortwo Tue 02-Apr-13 20:32:51

thistle flowers you have to protect your DGD she is the important one in all of this, terrible position for you to be in.

Deedaa Tue 02-Apr-13 21:16:10

This is a horrible situation and one right outside my personal experience thistledoo but you have to get help. The authorities must be made aware of the situation. Your granddaughter's safety must be your priority. I think I would approach the NSPCC first as being slightly less official. Hopefully you can get some helpful advice from them.

nightowl Tue 02-Apr-13 22:07:06

That's a good sentiment Deedaa but the NSPCC will only refer the matter to social services so the end result will be the same. The NSPCC haven't investigated child abuse for many years now. I remember going out with the old uniformed NSPCC Inspectors when I first went into social work in the 1970's. The agency role has changed a lot since then.

whenim64 Tue 02-Apr-13 22:23:20

Sounds like a horrible situation when there is a small child involved. Social services certainly need to assess. If he is on Suboxone, that's a positive factor. It's a beneficial treatment that latches on to receptors in the brain more effectively than Subutex, and will be closely monitored by a drug team and GP. I woud advise giving information about child safety concerns to those involved with drug treatment of this man. They won't share information with you, but have the same safeguarding duties as all other statutory agencies to follow up on risks to children.

whenim64 Tue 02-Apr-13 22:34:09

NSPCC won't investigate child abuse concerns now, but will take action on behalf of concerned people who contact them for help and advice, and they do work with children and families in partnership with social services. If you report concerns to them, they have a duty to tell police and/or social services.

Nelliemoser Wed 03-Apr-13 16:30:22

*Wheni'm. Re the NSPCC.

When I was working and getting such calls of concern in children's services, it was far more useful to to take the calls directly from even an anonymous caller, than to get a regurgitated phone call faxed from an NSPCC call centre person probably following a checklist script.
Their faxed reports involved several sheets of paper which often took quite a lot of sorting out and re-reading to piece together a coherent account of what had allegedly happened.

As a qualified worker if you took the call yourself you could get far more information than ever came from the NSPCC, and it was often possible to give essential advice straight away or to decide if the call required any further investigation. This saved a lot of time.

All my former colleagues who used to get these NSPCC refs used to find them very time consuming to go through.

This qualified front line worker system was removed in favour of a clerical grade based call centre model. An analogy is having to give health details to your GP's receptionist to be passed on rather than being able to discuss it directly with a triage nurse who was qualified and experienced enough to be able to quickly assess the situation and to ask the right question at the time.

whenim64 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:05:13

NellieM I guess it depends where you worked and the local relationship between NSPCC and social services. Here in Manchester, clerical officers covered the SSD phones so NSPCC were invaluable in collating as much helpful info as posible to give to the relevant SSD office and for liaising with police. The SSD restructured so many times and their services suffered. NSPCC are still heavily involved and they have a few offices around the Manchester area. If you have a qualified social worker answering the phone for reports of risk to children (which we would all say is the ideal) they have expertise in getting the info they need.

Grannyknot Wed 03-Apr-13 17:22:36

Hi thistledoo to add to "when"s response, suboxone is a combination of buprenorphine (an opioid substitute medication) and naloxone (a drug that reverses the effects of opiates). It is positive that he is in treatment and hopefully he is compliant and attending his appointments and not just picking up a script!

Here's a bit more info about suboxone vs. methadone (the latter is the substitute drug also used to treat opioid addiction):

Galen Wed 03-Apr-13 17:23:08

When I think that sounds like very good advice.
I see lots of addicts on this in the tribunals. Many of them still use as well.many of them are living with their young families. I always worry, but presume they have been advised and that those treating them are aware.

nightowl Wed 03-Apr-13 19:10:54

Nelliemoser I completely agree with what you say about the NSPCC. I have shared your experience and frustration. I was avoiding saying it because I was trying to not deter anyone from phoning and sadly, people have more respect for the NSPCC than for social services. Although we know it is misplaced, at least at the referral end of things (I'm sure they still do good work with families when commissioned to do so by social services) I would still prefer people to phone them than no-one. You are right though, the faxed referrals consist of little more than a checklist together with a lot of spurious analysis.

Thistledoo Wed 03-Apr-13 19:24:20

Thank you all for your advice you are all so kind and the practical advice is reassuring to say the least. I did forget to put in my first post that my daughter is telling her friends that she intends to marry this bloke and have children together. This is going to sound really bad, but I could never accept this person as part of my family. How will I be able to wrestle with my feelings if they have a family together. This man has led my daughter into a life so far removed from the upbringing she had, I thought we had taught her respect, care, and hard work are the things that bring rewards in life.
I feel I have failed her somewhere along the line.

Nelliemoser Wed 03-Apr-13 19:25:27

nightowl The things we used to say about them would have made their ears burn. Particularly their analysis bit. grin

Thistledoo Wed 03-Apr-13 19:37:34

Grannyknot thank you for the web link you gave, I have read it all and feel so much better informed.