Grandson Won't Talk To Us

It's so good reading these posts, to know that my grandson was in fact just like all the others. I wish I could have read this ten years ago. I actually used to cry in the car on the way home from visits.

I'm glad to say that, now he is eleven, he is usually very loving. (Although "the game" still shows itself sometimes!)

I have this problem with my GS now aged 9. From the beginning he hardly seemed to notice adults but adored his mother -my daughter. I scrolled the internet for articles on autism but with time came to the conclusion it was just his way. He talks to other children and notices their feelings and is kind to other children if they are in a sad mood.
He can suprise us though. When his Mum was in bed with bad migraine and his father away on business, he rang up if we could take the dog for a walk at night. He chatted all the time. Where the lead was, that the dog had its harness on ( it is big dog). There was building going on in the area and he told us where we could walk with him. When he was satisfied that we knew what to do he said goodnight and cheerfully went to bed.

Now we accept him as just being quiet. He will talk about real life, when he considers speech necessary. He reads a lot and WHEN he speaks he uses long sentences and has a wide vocabulary.
As to minstrel GS saying 'its you again' it can hurt but I suspect that is what most grandchidren think a lot of the time.
Some little boys just don't like chatting. minstrel if you don't like the silence then put the TV on. You are allowed to do that in your own home.

Hunt that made me laugh. At least he was polite about it.

My sister asked her little GS who was staying the night if he would like a goodnight kiss. He replied,'' No thank you Granny, I really don't like kissing old peope.'' She was only 58 at the time!

I think JessM is right, try not to take his behaviour personally. He may well see you as one of the stable factors in his life which makes you the obvious person to take out his insecurities on. When I was 10 I had to spend several weeks living with my grandmother while my parents sold our house. There was nothing wrong with my poor grandmother, but I hated the whole thing and was probably pretty horrible to live with.

Little boys can be knowing little so and so' s. He probably realises that this is upsetting you and therefore keeping it up. The best thing you can do is to ignore him completely. Don't try to talk to him, don't comment on his behaviour, don't try for a cuddle, and don't let him see that you care. He may well come round sharpish!

Sounds hard, but might be worth a go.

Good luck.

I experienced this in the past. I had to keep reminding myself who was the adult, me or him. Me, presumably. Don't give up or lose hope. This worked for me but I'm not saying it will work for you so ignore any or all of the strategies we used. My husband gave him lots of attention which we assumed was what it was all about. I gave remote attention and stuck to, here's a drink/biscuit - whatever - no choices or discussion offered. Lots of smiles and fond looks though, very important. At goodbye time I just waved goodbye no kiss, nothing. It is/ was very hard but I think it is a power thing, and there are now occasional thaws to which i respond with normal conversation. We have reached the point now when I have said, I won't kiss you goodbye but I'd like to shake your hand, no choice offered and this has been accepted. He is not our only grandchild so I do have more positive experiences to comfort myself with.

Minstrel your exDIL is mean and doesn't get it that she is causing problems for her son.

My GS has slowly changed and has always received hugs and kisses from his GPs, whether he appeared to want them or not. His other GM always asks him how much he loves her and he has to say this much (holds his arms out so far) or she smothers him with kisses until he does tell her. It always makes him laugh. Out of the blue he told me the other day he loved me, he tells his dad that he loves him. My SIL used to say to my daughter that he felt like his own son didn't like him.

You would be a safe and consistent refuge for your GS. When he ignores you just carry on the conversation, even tell him that you love him. He is still such a little boy and he needs lots of love and affection.

All my children know that when I am looking after the grandchildren 'Ma's rules' apply. I don't disregard their rules entirely but Mas are allowed to spoil their DGC just a little bit. That's what I remember about my Nan, what my children remember about my mum and DH's father and it applies with me. It might only be a chocolate button or Ribena occasionally rather than water but I think it's fair game to let things slip a little.

It was unfair of your exDiL to have a go at you for that and really unfair to not ensure that her son is polite to all grown-ups.

I think this poor wee lad is trying to make sense of living in a broken family - he has a lot to adapt to and he is only small.

He must feel quite insecure at times. How lucky he is to have you and your OH - all you can do is remain supportive to him and try and initiate some fun when he is with you - and undemanding I guess, as he is maybe giving all he can in a very confusing situation.

JessM, I am beginning to see that now. He is going through such a lot and its no wonder he is taking some of it out on me and my husband. All of the advice I am getting on here is helping me to see that more clearly.

Gillybob, we will just keep on being loving grandparents to him. We don't get hugs or kisses but we do try always to be loving and kind. Thanks for your kind words.

I do hope she is not going down the "this man will be your new daddy" route, minstrel. Its just when you said she moved him in after only a few weeks the alarm bells started ringing. Poor little mite could be being fed all sorts of rubbish and might find his little self tugged in all kinds of directions. Try and stay strong and just keep loving him (and showing it) no matter what .

Maybe if you stopped interpreting his behaviour as "not liking you" and started thinking of it as confused little boy taking it out on safe old Gran, it might help you to stay smiling.
When my GS was born I used to take his 3 yr old sister to nursery several days a week. Boy did I get it in the neck but it was clearly a reaction to baby - easier to give Nana grief than mum and dad who expect your to lurve your baby bro. She used to pick a fight over the car seat and refuse to talk or sing all the way there and all the way back. (15 minutes each way) I still remember her roaring at me from the back of the car. "Stop singing Nana! Stop talking Nana! Stop laughing Nana!" 5 year olds are just a little bit less transparent, but not a lot.

Deedaa, we do try to make light of it sometimes but its just hurtful to feel that your grandson doesn't like you in some way. He is of course going through a lot at the moment with his mum getting married. She moved the new man in with them after only two weeks of knowing him and I felt so desperately sorry for the little one to be in a situation like that. She still has only known the guy since February and is now getting married so it must be all very confusing for him. My son and her were together for over seven years and although they were never married they were a family. As you can see there is a lot going on here!

I think he must be quite stressed with all that is going on. He has the odd days when you pick him up and the weekends when he stays with you instead of being at home. I think your best bet is to try not to get upset about it and just treat his behaviour as normal. Perhaps you can joke about some of it "Isn't it awful it's me AGAIN" If he thinks you are accepting him as he is he may relax a bit and become more forthcoming.

Thanks everyone. I am at hospital with my mother in law today while she has chemo. Will get back to you later. Thanks for all your comments.

shysal I was thinking something similar after reading the posts,it must be very upsetting for you minstrel could this little man be secretly blaming you for not having his daddy with him (I know it is not your fault)but he could be thinking along these lines,here is the person my daddy prefers to be with all the time,he is obviously not old enough to have understood why things have not worked out with mummy & daddy and now another person is in the household and a wedding taking place such a lot for a little boy to take in.I do hope you find a way around this as he does sound a sweet little boy.

I feel his controlling mother is the issue here, at first I though 'Autism' but reading through it seems that the mother has a lot to answer for. The TV thing is a bit strong.After all when a child is at school the other children will be chatting about their programmes and reinacting (not always a good thing)their heros etc.

From my experience, when my son divorced his wife the daughter, then 6 became very reticent when at ours. She hardly spoke to us and sometimes ignored us. Wouldn't hug, as she had previously - even the little boy who was then 3 was very very morose even on fun days out. Their mother is a vindictive woman who has -for the past five years- stopped all contact between the children and their father and us.

I really think that the mother should be approached. As Tegan suggests he very well could feel he is being disloyal to his mother. I am sure that was the problem with my two grandchildren.

I would put the TV on and let the mother know that the rules in your house are your rules. As we used to say in the work I was in with children with learning disabilities New house New rules. Good luck, thoughts with you x

I wonder whether he is afraid to get close to you for fear of missing you if his mother cuts you out of his life. It is such a lot of emotion for a young child to cope with, poor lad.
Have you tried playing games with him and your son together? He might then interact more with you all in a group. A trawl round the charity shops might find you some fun activities which require conversation. Even a simple word game like Tell Me causes giggles with my GCs.
I hope the situation will improve with time, I feel for you.

I just wonder if he has a mild form of autism. My brother in law and his son both have this and they can seem quite 'normal' most of the time it just shows up occasionally. At five he probably doesn't fully understand what is going on between his mummy and daddy and maybe in his little mind he blames you - rather depends what he is told!

I hope this improves for you but he will probably respond to your love eventually.

My middle grandson who is five has never been a friendly child. He was very attached to his mother (my daughter). One day when he was around three we were out and met up with his other grandparents and aunts and he completely ignored all of them. My daughter said he used to avoid saying hello and goodbye when he was visiting the other GPs. My SIL was often told to go away. GS has slowly improved and he has always received lots of affection from me, his other GPs and his aunts. I believe if his mother put it into his head to be rude to people he would be much worse.

The other day we were at the post office and he completely ignored the man behind the counter when he was asked if he liked going to school. Every morning the school bus driver says hello and my GS ignores him. Before he started school and was still at kindergarten my daughter explained to him that he was not to tell other children to go away. He is friendly to the other children at school and likes his teacher. His eighteen month old sister was born happy and is the opposite.

Oh dear minstrel what a shame. I can totally understand your situation. I feel that you are always going to be treading in egg shells and you poor grandson is being used as some kind of pawn in a game that only your daughter in law can win. I agree that you are going to have to play along with her for now as it would be a huge risk for you to rock the boat. Having said that I bet she is only too glad to have you on hand as a babysitter when she needs you. I agree that you should probably keep anything you need to buy at your house and send him home in whatever he came in. Poor lamb is probably very confused by this awful situation.

Having read all this, it does sound as though he is being fed ideas from his mothers family. It has never ceased to appall amaze me how many parents involve their children in their own marital disagreements. It is a real form of emotional abuse towards the children.

My Bil split up with 2nd wife when the child was small and he had little contact. That daughter, now early 20s, was always told that the relationship just never worked out. To our surprise and their credit her mums family never seemed to have bad mouthed the child's father.

Eleothan I thought it was hysterically funny and had to keep a straight face. But yes, it would be nice if they were sweet and affectionate and biddable wouldn't it. But lovely as they are, they are often stroppy little so and sos that take it out on good old Nana who will never get more than a tad tetchy!

Jess "Nana's going tomorrow. I should have been nicer." That brought a tear to my eye and made me think how children can sometimes be very hurtful without really meaning to be.

minstrel I also think mum is being unreasonable in laying down the law about TV. However, I'm not convinced it's worth the risk of creating more difficulties by asking dad to confront her about it.

Maybe Jess is right - he's confused and a bit angry about things in his life generally, and you're a relatively "safe" option for venting those negative feelings.

I hope things improve. I can understand how upsetting it must be.