Torn between husband and Daughter/soninlaw

Juneh you are echoing almost exactly how I feel. I said to my husband last week, 'did I stop being a mum when I became a nan?' If I am feeling a bit low, my daughter will get my granddaughter to phone me which is lovely but sometimes I feel like saying, it's my daughter I would like to chat to. I also come away from conversations feeling quite hurt and that I get on her nerves, although I try really hard not to. And I too make excuses for her. I think there is the same age gap between you and your daughter and me and mine. Mine is 43, I am 63. She works hard and is a good person but sometimes I feel that I am 'just mum' which didn't used to be the case. Your daughter seems to want to spend time with you, I'm not sure mine does. I also think, as I said above, that HildaW is right, maybe too much 'overthinking'.

Dear KatyK I suspect what happens with me and maybe you, over the years we become a bit reticent in what we say because we don't want to get the 'oh mother' voice which makes me nervous. A friend of mine told me that what she thinks to herself when her son speaks to her is 'just do as I am told'. I have decided that next time there is a tone in the voice I am going to say something along the lines of 'you do not seem to have respect for me why is that?' In some ways I think that they become the parent as us the child except of course that we are not children.
I had quite a long and emotional conversation with my daughter when all this started about my grandchildren and husband etc and she came out with a statement I found quite shocking and that was 'mother most grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren but it seems like you don't because you don't want to come and you when you do it's only for a few days.' As if I have no life.
I told her that it was true that at nearly 70 I did want to go home but I also wanted to spend time with them however the fact that I had two days of travelling included in seeing them made me very tired. I did want to be with them and I did want to be at home with OH. In truth she wishes I had never remarried so that I would live near them. However I do not think that I would want to be that close.
I suspect that there are lot of grans who are in the same position and maybe have to get over the fear of having a row.

June I agree with what you say. I am very afraid to 'speak up' now that we have a granddaughter. The thought of not seeing her fills me with dread. My daughter isn't rude to me or anything, she just doesn't think that what she is doing/saying is hurtful. Like you say, as if I haven't got a life and as long as I am patted on the head now and then I will 'stay in my box'. I must emphasise I don't think for a minute any of this is done to hurt me, it is total thoughtlessness. My daughter has made a good life for herself through hard work, and it has not been easy for her at times. I am going to try to sit back and go with the flow, but as you say, pick her up on things occasionally, as advised by many sensible folks on here. I hope you resolve your issues.

This is hard, but it works. My DD has a very sharp tongue; not just with me but with whoever upsets her. For years I just took it. About six years ago, sitting there listening to one of her rants against me I had a lightbulb moment where I just stood up and said quite calmly: I'm not taking this anymore and I'm going ( I only live about 20 min. walk away) of course she was very sorry.
I have done this several times since. The funny thing is: her rants have become less and less.

petra....good for you!

Its sad how its most often the women, Grandmas and Mums who have to do all the compromising.
I don't think men fully understand how much it hurts when we cannot see our children or grandchildren. They seem to be able to detach and in some cases be more realistic than we are and are happy to let them 'go'
My partner is always happy to see my grandchildren ( his step grandchildren) but he cannot understand why I get upset about what he calls 'little things'

I think its best to learn not to rely on your partner/husband when it comes to maintaining contact with your children/grandchildren and to accept they do not feel the way you do about issues.

My son contacts me when he wants a favour - i.e. looking after the children.( which he thinks its HIM doing ME a favour!) Its me that makes calls and visits just to see or spend time with them.
My partners answer to this is 'Well stop doing him bloody favours if it annoys you!'
Logically - he is quite right! ;)

I think you are right maxgran about emotional detachment on the part of some men. I have a friend in a second marriage and her DH has a troubled grandson who has fathered two children with different girls who are lost to the family.My friend feels the loss of them far more than their GGF.He .just shrugs if the subject is brought up

Yes,.. That's exactly what I mean.
My partner accepts situations and doesn't see the point of trying to chase after someone. He reckons if someone wants to be awkward or manipulate you - don't let them!
Everything is in black & white to him!

I wonder if thats down to the 'men scatter their seed in order to leave as many descendants as they can' policy of nature?
If they were as emotionally involved as women, they'd be no good at hunting and gathering!

Not fair on men I think ella some are faithful, sensitive and emotionally literate. Some have a lifetime of avoidance of emotion behind them. But there is a lot of cultural pressure on men not to be emotional isn't there.

Yes, Jess Some are and some aren't. I should have been more specific.

I am sorry I have missed these last few posts because I think that it is true that specifically for a step grandpa they do not have the same attachment. I have decided to take myself down to see my daughter and her girls by hiring a car and taking my time to get there otherwise I just won't get to see them. My daughter and her hubby do very little to encoursage the girls to speak on the phone and we could use skype but they just cannot be bothered to set it up even though I have mentioned it loads of times. My husband has stated specifically now that he does not want to stay with my daughter etc and so that is why I have now resigned myself to going alone although how I will explain that to my family I just don't know.
In regards what Petra said I think that is good and I gave my daughter a few home truths a few weeks ago and said I did not want to hear all her moans and groans about me any more and to tell someone else if she wasn't happy about what I did or didn't do and that seems a bit more settled. WE'll see when I go down there for a week in the summer.