Girlie Lunch ---or is it?

Fortunately, we've struggled to agree a convenient date when we can all get together. His busy social life will get in the way of some of the dates the rest of us can manage

He does it because he's a man. [oldcynic] emoticon.

whenim64......I wonder why he does that? He must realise he is the odd one out!! Perhaps he feels happier in the company of women. Bit of a strange thing to do with the flowers!

I'm going out for what used to be 'me and the girls' tea today. There are five of us, and now we are six because a male ex-colleague has been joining us. He does join in and chat about things we're all interested in, and knows more gossip than the rest of us put together. However, last time we met up, he brought us all a single long-stemmed flower each, and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. Not one of us spoke about it to the others, but five feisty feminists were silenced by this little gift - for me, it felt inappropriate, like a move to take the lead, if you get what I mean. I noticed that we all started to 'look after him' during our conversations, stopping to listen to him when he interrupted the flow of the conversation. He's a nice man, but the dynamics have definitely changed. It isn't a girlie get-together now.

There's nothing like a girlie lunch to catch up on all the gossip! Something I really look forward to. The reason it's called "girlie" is that men aren't meant to be there!!

This man sounds very controlling to me - and I have had experience of a similar situation: an erstwhile partner not only turned up unasked (and unwanted) when I was having a quiet drink and chat with a girlfriend, he also insulted her quite badl - at which stage she and I told him to get lost! I have also found over the years that two women lunching/dining together tend to be approached by men assuming that we were gagging for male company! Frankly, trendygran, I'd speak to your friend and point out that a girls' lunch should be just that! Good luck!

trendygran you are not being unreasonable. It's just not on for this husband to join you.

But what does your friend his wife think? Not much you can do if she wants him there, except issue an ultimatum.

If I were in your position, I'd feel horribly resentful and end up being rude.

It may be that as they do a lot of things together, neither have the confidence to do some things without the other? It's difficult as you can't suggest much as she seems touchy about her OH if she gave your mutual friend an unfriendly look when she left after knowing the OH was coming. Does he have his own friends he could maybe meet (preferably somewhere else) while the three of you have your ladies' lunch?

Elegran I didn't mean just to get up and walk out as soon as he appears! Goodness me, that would be unkind! Just not hang around including him in everything. It must be very difficult if it is not possible to talk about this to the friend.

Three of us who used to work together used to meet up regularly for supper at one of our houses, the two of us with husbands had no trouble getting rid of them! Then one got competitive and bitched about the other when she was not around so the whole thing fizzled out. I have always rather regretted I didn't work harder at it as she was a lonely person with not much in her life apart from the two of us but we both had husbands and families and were, I'm sorry to say, too busy to cope with her.

My friend and I have a strict rule about her OH meeting up with us when we are out for a meal or just a get-together. He phones to ask if she needs a lift, and if she occasionally does he'll come at a time to suit us and he can join us for one drink. She doesn't intrude on him and his friend meeting up, and wouldn't want to. Girlie lunches are just that!

Could it not just be turned into a lighthearted joke - Just tell her that you value HER company and say that you want it to remain "girlie"??

Just as cruel to vanish every time he appears as it is to meet sometimes without the third woman, Movedalot. Both husband and wife could feel that was humiliating when they realise what is going on.

How about arranging to do something really girly occasionally, which he would not enjoy at all, and commenting on what fun it has been with no men present?

Sometimes just two of us do meet up and keep quiet. A lot depends on who is around at the time. It might be me meeting my friend whose OH turns up -and last time their younger daughter also appeared. I know and like both of them ,but not at that particular time. My late OH and I used to go out for an evening meal as a foursome at times, and all got on well. It's just the lunchtime 'intrusion' which can be annoying. Men!

I think you and the other friend could start leaving as soon as he turns up, even if that means you go somewhere else for coffee. Maybe after a few weeks she will realise what you are doing and take the hint. I think it would be cruel to go off with the other friend and leave her out, most unkind.

Yes, he would. He would always assume he is welcome anywhere. He doesn't feel atmospheres.

Janerowena* Again your DH sounds like mine and would intrude.

The poor man probably really likes you both, and wants to be friends too. My husband can be a bit intrusive at times, he is just nosy and sociable. I have to tell him to go away if he is around when a friend comes for coffee. It does change the conversation - he starts showing them all his latest DIY projects. It would be like me marching in on his friends and forcing them to OOOh over my latest cushion covers and abandon their sports discussion.

Perhaps you and Friend No. 1 could arrange for just the two of you to have lunch without telling the other friend?

Whilst*mr glamma* will join in with family gatherings he would run a mile at the thought of intruding on a "girlie" lunch he is a firm believer in having your own space to do what you need to do,"we are joined in marriage not at the hip" is a favourite phrase he uses.

DH always transports me to my girlie lunches out and I am extremely grateful to be dropped at the door. He never enters the restaurant but will be waiting to take me home. He does it because he knows I can not walk uphill or long distances.

If one of the 'girlies' OH is there, it changes the dynamic of the lunch. I would have a quiet word with her and say, perhaps, how nice it is just to be able to chat among the girls without the men being present.

I used to be quite grateful to have the place to myself when my wife went out for a 'girls' evening or lunch
If I had arranged to pick her up afterwards I would simply wait for the call then trot over there.
I would never have thought of joining them - all of us needs some 'me' time.

My friend used to check to see if her OH was available to join us for lunch. She also had a joint email with her OH, sue&[email protected]. I can't get my head around couples and joint emails.

Gosh, you don't say, Frank - well I never!

When I joined an aerobics group which was all women they immediately said that I was very welcome but I would have to come to the girls night out around Christmas.
I said that was fine. By Christmas 3 other men had joined and were on the Girls night out.

Frank