To want to see my daughter and granddaughter

I'm not angry! I just don't go along with "good things happen to good people". I don't think it always works out like that. But carry on believing it if you find it comforting.

I'm glad to be able to say my life is far from "rotten".

J08 why are you so angry? Is your life so rotten?

Yeah. Cos it always works out like that doesn't it Nanban.

Otw, I found it hard to read you post, I cannot offer any help, only support and empathy. My heart goes out to you. You do not say how long this estrangement has been going on, but I guess its all quite recent.
My daughter who is in a dangerous relationship with a drug addict is always threatening me with that she will cut us out of her life., but she comes back. I would be very sad at not seeing my beloved granddaughter who is now 5, and cannot imagine life without her.
Try and keep strong, safe in the knowledge that your little GD is being lovingly cared for by her Mum, and just hold on to the hope that this awful situation will pass. Your daughter may need you sooner than you think. Keep talking to us, it will help you more than you know.
xx

You sound to be a lovely lady, and lovely things must happen for you one day.

I thank all of you who have comforted me and my heart breaks for those similarly treated. While I type I don't cry but I am now trying to treasure the magic of my memories. So taking a tip from you lovely people:

I shall never forget the eyes, nose and smiling of my little GD, as beautiful as were those of my wee girl. We shared a love ,bewilderingly ecstatic and as beautiful as anything i have ever seen in nature . I shall hold the magic of the many memories close to my heart, and I shall not let this unwanted and unnecessary absence tarnish them in anyway. I have been broken by the treatment of loved ones, surprised by the healing words of strangers and overwhelmed by the love and caring of the rest of my family and amazed by the goodness of my good man . I wish you all a good day, full of peace .

Otw, like you, I spent so much time thinking about times gone by. When she was a little baby and a laughing toddler. It really did feel as if my heart was breaking and when I spoke to my other daughter and son, asking them if they may be able to help by trying to persuade her to speak to me again, they refused, saying they didn't want to become involved. I found that hard to take as they could see how unhappy I was. It was usually the last thing I thought of at night and the first thing I thought of in the morning. It was easy for others just to say 'let her get on with it' - or 'there must be something that caused it'. Whatever it was that DID cause it doesn't matter now. I hope so much that it's resolved for you and your daughter and that you get to see your wee grand-daughter very soon. xx

So sorry that you are going through this sad situation.
As said it is good to talk to others who fully understand as they are experiencing the trauma of estrangement.

Dear Greatnan,
Thank you . Amazing similarities; my ex. and many of his family suffer with quite severe mental health problems. My daughter also found it hard to maintain friendships and my ex. has supported her estrangements whenever they occurred as an adolescent and that is something she cannot forget, she feels its ok. Crying is an outlet but hard for those that care for you to watch; you are strong and I envy you that and I wish you a lovely day .
All best wishes and sunshine

Otw - your little grandchild will reach an age when she can make her own decision and I hope she will then know how to find you. Don't give up hope - we have heard from several members how eventually they regained contact.

Taking a tip from you lovely supportive bunch:
I can never forget my grand-daughter's huge brown eyes, as lovely as were my own wee girl's. They looked adoringly up at me. We exchanged the most innocent and overwhelming love for each other, she named me and ironically carries my name. It is still and always will be a thing of beauty, unmatched by anything else I have seen in nature and it must never be tarnished by the pain of absence. She loves me and I love her as I love her mother and her uncle . I have been shattered by the callousness of people I love who see no problem in pulling me from their lives and discarding me as though I were an inanimate splinter - and I've been touched beyond words by the kindnesses of strangers and I have been amazed by the strength and inspiration gained from loving and being loved by a good and kind man .

I hope this gets me and my fellow grand-mums through the day .

Otw - I am quite sure that, like me, you have gone over and over every detail of your daughter's life, wondering if there was anything you did or did not do that caused her to behave like this. I was divorced when mine was 14 but she seemed happy enough about that - I had discussed it with both my girls and they understood how unhappy I was in my marriage. However, she was a very miserable baby, crying a great deal, and she found it hard to make friends as a child. Her sister, who is 18 months older, assures me that I could not have been a more loving mother to them both. I have come to the conclusion that she was just born with some chemical imbalance which made it impossible for her to be happy.

Please ignore J08 and be assured that the rest of us understand your pain and sympathise totally with you. As there seems to be no medical reason for your daughter's behaviour, perhaps she will come round again in time. I have not been able to cry - I wish I could, I think tears might be a relief, but I am afraid that if I start I will never stop.

Trying to make contact through the other grandparents could be worth trying as I am sure they have your joint grandchild's best interests at heart and must realise that you are all losing out.
Keep talking to us. xxxxxxx

Thank you . How do you cope with the waves of sheer pain when you think of the past and future; it's like a panic and I try not to cry because I've frankly cried far too much ? I awake at night crying , and I can't control the tears. I suspect my husband must be sick of watching me in this much pain and I wonder what my DD is feeling to want to continue something that is so against family life. I hope to hear a happy ending soon, not a tragic one. Also should I contact the other grandparents ( my ex. has always encouraged my daughter to ostracise me but the in-laws are good folk) .
Wishing peace to all those in this position .

Otw10413, this happened to me as well, although my grand-daughters were older and my daughter, who estranged herself for reasons only known to herself did not stop them from seeing me. It broke my heart and it took 7 years to become resolved. I tried everything I could think of to contact her, and as she lived close by this should have been easy enough, but she totally cut me out of her life. I still don't know what I did wrong. After the birth of her own grandchild, my great-grandson, things softened and she accepted me again. We have never discussed why it happened... I'm just so thankful to have her back in my life. I'm very careful with what I talk about when I visit, and I don't stay too long. The joy of hugging her and telling her I love her - and having her hug me back with a mumbled "Love you" reply is what I prayed for for all those years. It may take time, Otw, but stay steady and don't give up hope. Keep trying. .

If only the 'get on with your life' was that simple Gransnet would be a much quieter place! Those who say that do not stand in our shoes. I hope time brings them both back to you.

Thank you all for your thoughts. It has helped to hear suggestions and my heart goes out to others who have had that joy of parenting and grand-parenting taken away from them . People say let your daughter get on with her life and enjoy yours, but that means breaking the habit of nearly a life time of thinking about your children every day . I just don't know how to do it . My thanks to all of you and hope that my daughter gives me a reason to come back with some good news.
: (

otw10413 such a sad thing to have happened, a letter to your DD is a very good idea and maybe an invitation for a meeting somewhere for just the two of you,possibly somewhere where other people are present so there will not be the temptation to raise voices just sit and talk quietly to-gether.I have had some spetacular fall outs with my DD over the years but we have always been lucky enough to see the error of our ways,will your DD not speak about this with her father or can your OH not have a chat with your SIL and let him know how upsetting it is for you all. ((hugs ))

You mentioned your Daughter being upset at a divorce?

Kindle Fire got mind of its own.but sure you can work it out

Don't notice you offering sympathy or help Namibian. Just coming on to knock me.

Get back on yer old 'orse

Don't mention granddaughter in letter. Keep it centred on daughter.

Otw wonder if it would help to write her letter. Not an email, a real old-fashioned letter. Tell her you are still her mum and that you hate to think of her being unhappy. Tell her you love her.

She must be unhappy to be doing this.

And it's,most likely, bye bye from me.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I sympathise, it must be very difficult for you. I think that mostly it is the mothers of sons who get cut out of the lives of their GC and that it happens less often to the mothers of daughters. I am sure if any of us had the answer we would not only be very popular but probably very rich! This is much more common than you think, you are not alone.

I wonder why you are not as upset to be out of your DD's life as you DG's. That doesn't seem to bother you so much?