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To want to see my daughter and granddaughter

(64 Posts)
Otw10413 Sun 23-Jun-13 08:05:54

Does anyone know how to cope with estrangement from a much loved and adored GC. At aged 1 she named me, she carries my name but my daughter has decided that 'we're done' so I have not seen her beautiful face, heard her voice or held her since we holidayed with her and then I looked after her while her Mum was ill. I love my daughter and miss her so much ( she would ring me several times a day ) and whilst I do understand her hurt from the divorce ( 15 +years ago) , I really have no idea what it is that we have done that she would so suddenly separate us from our adored GD . My sisters ,who saw me with my GD just before this happened , are trying to connect with them but they are as helpless because she refuses to communicate. The pain,well frankly my husband cannot remember what my face looked like , my eyes are permanently swollen and damp and I work with children all of the time , so my lower lip is covered with bites in an effort to stem the tears when a child does something that reminds me of her . I simply cannot believe that the girl I raised, who lovingly welcomed us to her home and life feels that it is a good thing to do for anyone concerned . Estrangement should be something that people avoid in families at all costs (unless there has been abuse) . I was taught never let the sun set on an argument , a lesson I thank my mother for but I honestly do not know how to look forward when the large black hole of grief seems to overshadow every thought, hope and waking ( and sleeping) moment .

Greatnan Sun 23-Jun-13 08:34:49

You have my full sympathy, as I too have been cut off from all contact with my daughter and three of her four adult children. I do know that my loss is due to the fact that she is suffering from paranoid delusions as a result of years of codeine abuse.
It must be even harder for you if you have no idea why your daughter has done this. I can only suggest you do as I do - just keep sending loving cards and messages through anybody who can contact her.

Otw10413 Sun 23-Jun-13 08:59:49

To Greatnan,Thank you . I know the difficulties associated with watching a loved one embroiled in drug abuse - probably one of the hardest 'bad ' choices a parent has to stand by and watch/ my heart goes out to you.

My daughter has had repeated bouts of similar behaviour when she estranged us previously with my ex-husband's approbation, over the last 15 years but seemed to have completely distanced herself from it when my GD was born . I will keep trying but it is hard to know how trust will ever be restored as she has the power to repeat such behaviour . My good wishes to you and yours .

whenim64 Sun 23-Jun-13 09:32:33

Don't stop trying Otw. If your DD has distanced herself in the past and come back, there is hope she will do so again. I do hope it doesn't last long - te heartache of beng denied contact with your grandchild can be unbearable.

Aka Sun 23-Jun-13 10:00:37

Otw your post made my cry. There is hope always. Hold on to that.

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:13:35

You say that she says "we're done", and that you have no idea why she has done this. I find that a bit hard to swallow. Something must have triggered it. I think you need to get to the bottom of why this has happened and, if you really want sensible advice, give us a bit more information.

Or perhaps you just want sympathy. If so, well, I would hate to be in that situation. But I've no doubt I would be shouldering some of the blame myself.

annodomini Sun 23-Jun-13 10:32:46

J08, I am almost at a loss to understand your response to the OP. When someone says she has no idea why this has all happened, I do her the courtesy of believing her. She has obviously been over and over her daughter's behaviour and although she doesn't understand her, she has experienced it in the past. 'Perhaps you just want sympathy' - well, it's evident that she isn't going to get it from you this time. I don't like your use of 'blame' in this context. Why should the OP blame herself? There are probably circumstances she knows nothing of and which her daughter is unlikely to confide.
I get on well with my sons and their partners but there was a time when I was - mercifully briefly - threatened with separation from my first GD which I believed was due to her mother's (DS's ex) being stoned at the time. So I can understand the OP's despair at this separation.

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:52:01

Well, I knew that post was going to get me into trouble with someone or other. So I reported it myself, requesting that it be read in context before judgement is passed.

So it's up to Gransnet. I make no apologies. I think it is more constructive to try to get to the bottom of these situations.Otherwise you can't possibly help. Only give sympathy which might be a temporary sticking plaster, but no real use in the long run.

Ariadne Sun 23-Jun-13 10:54:26

Otw10413 this must be very hard to bear, but you will find a lot of support here, especially if you find the thread "Cut out of their lives" (have I got that right, folks?) where there are many GNs in similar situations. All I can offer, I'm afraid, is ((hugs)). Keep posting - it does help.

Nonu Sun 23-Jun-13 11:20:49

OTW, what a very , very sad situation .

My heart goes out to you , easy for me say I know , but try and be strong X

Otw10413 Sun 23-Jun-13 11:46:00

I wrote my first ever post out of desperation from missing my grand-daughter. I thank all of you for taking the time in your lives to respond to this sad situation with kind words . To J08 , I have and do spend every waking moment wondering why , because my DD had seemed to have overcome so much as she built her home up to the point where we felt so welcome and frankly overwhelmed that she wanted us to share so much of her life. My sisters are trying to help but to no avail and not knowing makes my task all the more difficult . I am slowly coming around to the understanding that some people cannot empathise and the hurtful things they do are done without them being able to understand the damage caused to others . I would not judge people because you never know what made them insensitive but in my daughter's case, I now wonder whether it was all an act , and that somehow , 15+ years later , she has retained issues from her childhood which she has never worked through . I have offered to attend therapy together but when people shut off , there is nothing you can do . We are not hopeful and that is the difficulty . We simply miss the DGD , D and SiL .

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 12:45:25

So sad. Wish I could help. But I guess I'm not too good at agony aunting. sad

Nanban Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:30

You need explain anything to J08.

And J08 - perhaps if you have nothing valuable to contribute, don't. Quite right you are no good at agony aunting - empathy is the key.

Nanban Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:54

I should have said you need NOT explain anything .....

Movedalot Sun 23-Jun-13 14:18:26

I sympathise, it must be very difficult for you. I think that mostly it is the mothers of sons who get cut out of the lives of their GC and that it happens less often to the mothers of daughters. I am sure if any of us had the answer we would not only be very popular but probably very rich! This is much more common than you think, you are not alone.

I wonder why you are not as upset to be out of your DD's life as you DG's. That doesn't seem to bother you so much?

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 14:21:48

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 14:22:37

And it's,most likely, bye bye from me. hmm

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 14:25:45

Otw wonder if it would help to write her letter. Not an email, a real old-fashioned letter. Tell her you are still her mum and that you hate to think of her being unhappy. Tell her you love her.

She must be unhappy to be doing this.

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 14:26:42

Don't mention granddaughter in letter. Keep it centred on daughter.

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 14:29:30

Don't notice you offering sympathy or help Namibian. Just coming on to knock me.

Get back on yer old 'orse

j08 Sun 23-Jun-13 14:31:03

Kindle Fire got mind of its own.but sure you can work it out

petallus Sun 23-Jun-13 14:46:55

You mentioned your Daughter being upset at a divorce?

glammanana Sun 23-Jun-13 15:08:37

otw10413 such a sad thing to have happened, a letter to your DD is a very good idea and maybe an invitation for a meeting somewhere for just the two of you,possibly somewhere where other people are present so there will not be the temptation to raise voices just sit and talk quietly to-gether.I have had some spetacular fall outs with my DD over the years but we have always been lucky enough to see the error of our ways,will your DD not speak about this with her father or can your OH not have a chat with your SIL and let him know how upsetting it is for you all. ((hugs )) flowers

Otw10413 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:06:47

Thank you all for your thoughts. It has helped to hear suggestions and my heart goes out to others who have had that joy of parenting and grand-parenting taken away from them . People say let your daughter get on with her life and enjoy yours, but that means breaking the habit of nearly a life time of thinking about your children every day . I just don't know how to do it . My thanks to all of you and hope that my daughter gives me a reason to come back with some good news.
: (

Nanban Sun 23-Jun-13 22:07:09

If only the 'get on with your life' was that simple Gransnet would be a much quieter place! Those who say that do not stand in our shoes. I hope time brings them both back to you.