Gransnet forums


to be really angry with DS1's ex-wife?

(12 Posts)
kittylester Mon 01-Jul-13 15:25:24

Lots of you have been through DS1's trials and tribulations with me - his stroke while living in Japan, having to come back to live with us, his wife scarpering back to Japan rather than try to live here with him, as was the plan before his stroke. Some of you were even kind enough to have bought his book!

I did some shopping for him today and took it round to find him really down. He and his ex-wife had a nice friendship based on their shared past and shared interests so had been skyping once a week since he went into his own flat. He had always told her that he expected her to meet someone else and that he would be happy for her.

Lately, she has been out, can't afford the broadband connection, fallen out with her family and moved out of the family home and been unavailable on skype. I'm sure you can imagine what is happening - she has remarried and is expecting a baby in three months. angry But didn't have the decency to tell him angryangry

If it wasn't such a long flight, I could cheerfully wring her neck.

Grannyknot Mon 01-Jul-13 15:35:24

kitty having read DS1's book, I am so sorry to hear that she has treated him so badly, that is so unnecessary. Why couldn't she simply have told him, even incrementally have him get used to the idea! Sometimes I think the most important thing that we will ever do in life is handle relationships, and I despair at the lack of emotional intelligence from people. He'll be having to come to terms with all sorts, hope he comes out of the blues soon. Hugs xx

grannyactivist Mon 01-Jul-13 15:47:32

Oh dear kitty, I echo Grannyknot's post. Seeing our children struggling with life's trials is really hard and a reminder that there are some things that we just can't fix for them. Sending you a little sunshine.

mollie Mon 01-Jul-13 16:31:57

So cowardly and unkind. She could have had the decency to write if she didnt want to talk via Skype or the phone. No wonder you feel murderous, I would too!

Tegan Mon 01-Jul-13 16:52:09

Totally understand why you feel the way you do [thinking back a couple of years to my sons split from his girlfriend]. But, just wondered if perhaps there was never the right time to tell him and she just chickened out? There must be a lot of feelings of guilt on her part I would imagine. Don't we hurt for our children, though; I'm sure the pain is multiplied when it's for them and not us.

JessM Mon 01-Jul-13 16:53:18

Owch. The powerful urge to protect our children does not get much better with time does it. Do you think it may turn out for the best though kitty once he has got over it ? Was he carrying a teeny flame?
Here's a suggestion. Get some cardboard boxes from the supermarket and kick the devil out of them. Seeing as you are not flying to Japan. [hug]

Bags Mon 01-Jul-13 17:27:01

I'm sorry that this happened, kitty, and feel your hurt.

I'm wondering how your son found out eventually?

annodomini Mon 01-Jul-13 17:55:21

What a let-down for him, kitty. She might have had the decency to tell him. I'd want to throttle her too.

Stansgran Mon 01-Jul-13 18:06:34

Kitty so sorry that this has happened but isn't that fairly typical of a Japanese attitude? Avoid confrontation or embarrassment at all costs. Durham is full of Japanese students at the moment. I think it's the new term. Perhaps you could do a day trip here and glare hard at them . Make you feel better. Then go and admire the Lindisfarne Gospels and feel so much better.

kittylester Mon 01-Jul-13 18:12:15

Thank you all - I feel a little better for having vented and for your comments.

She told him because he persisted after feeling that there was more to it than all the excuses. I think he did carry a little flame but was also realistic in knowing that she was never going to come here. I think he enjoyed his friendship with her too and now feels that one of the last links to his lovely life pre-stroke has finally gone. The only thing he has to remember Japan by (and it was a country he really loved) is his stroke. They had been intending to come here to have babies and now she is having a baby that is not his.

Apparently, her sister is not speaking to her because of the appalling way she treated Matt. In his book he is very kind about her (medical) reasons for not coming here with him but we always thought it was an excuse.

I'm cross too because I really, really liked her and I thought I was a fairly good judge of character. She turned out to be a really good actor and a coward.

Ok, I guess I'm not really feeling better angry

JessM Mon 01-Jul-13 19:07:06

Permission to do a LOT of swearing in a private and sound proof place kitty

Oldgreymare Tue 02-Jul-13 00:00:08

Oh Kitty, this is not the happy ending I was hoping for (not that it has anything to do with me blush).
I did enjoy reading Matt's book and harboured a sneaky little feeling, though, that his ex was not entirely honest about her reasons for remaining in Japan.
All the same, this is horrid and he deserves better.
Big hugs to you both.
Now go and have a grand old swearing session!