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Yes I am being unreasonable and I know it....

(120 Posts)
Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 09:53:55

I always had dreams of family holidays by the seaside and was planning to rent a large cottage in Cornwall next year and asking the kids and grandchildren to stay. My son says count him out as he has a holiday planned that will use up all of his annual leave and my daughter is getting very close with her in laws parents as her sister in law is pregnant and they are all getting together for a few days by the sea later this year. I can see this being an annual event. I feel sort of squeezed out. As I say, I do know I'm being unreasonable and I know I'm lucky that I see my family etc etc but at this moment in time I've got the lump in the throat/heavy feeling in the pit of the stomach thing that you get when you're a bit miserable. Years ago something similar happened when my neice and her husband started coming on holiday with us and her mother said rather sadly 'so this is the family holiday then?' I didn't understand what she meant at the time. I know I'm being really really silly but just wanted to offload a bit [sorry]. She says the SIL's mother loves having people to stay whereas the S.O. has had a slight grievance with my daughter and her husband for a few years; nothing on the surface but a few undercurrents that we all know are there [I think that's what's getting to me a bit].

nanaej Mon 12-Aug-13 18:26:52

Different grandparents will have different (not better or worse) relationships with their DGCs...that is what makes us so special! grin
Enjoy every moment with them and they will enjoy it too.

wisewoman Mon 12-Aug-13 18:03:51

Oh Teagan I know what you mean. I used to have the energy to play monsters, superman, etc but now try to distract them to craft things so I can sit down and enjoy their company!!

Marelli Mon 12-Aug-13 10:33:20

Oh thank you Tegan, that's really kind! Hopefully it should come from Amazon this week, though. It really was quite a talking point at the time and according to DGD, she and her dad have been following something on TV about the type of thing that I remember the book covered. My sister-in-law and I got quite interested in it all at the time, too. Might have another squint at the book myself.
Butty, thank you, too. xx

Butty Sun 11-Aug-13 22:37:26

Marelli I'm so pleased you had a good day with your grand-daughter. sunshine

Tegan Sun 11-Aug-13 21:11:54

If for any reason you don't get it you could borrow my copy [it's probably a bit mildewed wherever it is, but I'll definately have it; I never throw anything away]. It was quite a talking point at the time, wasn't it?

Marelli Sun 11-Aug-13 19:36:07

Tegan - I had it when it first came out, then must have passed it on at some point! However, I've just ordered a 1p copy from Amazon for DGD, just in case she'd like to leaf through it. She's only 13, so it might be a bit overwhelming, but she might find some interesting bits in it that she can understand. smile

Tegan Sun 11-Aug-13 16:49:28

I've still got that book; borrowed it from someone when if first came out and never gave it back blush.

Marelli Sun 11-Aug-13 16:23:38

Forgot to mention - nipped across town to see DGD, who - unbelievably - never stopped talking! We discussed all sorts, from Chariots of the Gods to God/no God and also Egyptian Pharoahs......glad I went! It was a lovely visit - (bet she doesn't have those conversations with her other grandma wink!

Tegan Sun 11-Aug-13 16:20:19

I seem to be the opposite. Played endlessly with my kids when they were little but can't seem to get into pretend superhero games with the boys now. I was happy with Thomas the Tank for several years but can't summon up any enthusiasm for Spiderman sad.

Marelli Sun 11-Aug-13 16:17:26

Oh Butty - that is going to be wonderful! Full of wonder might be a better description! Something to cherish. xx

JessM Sun 11-Aug-13 16:08:26

I'm sure you have special skills, talents, knowledge and approach to grand mothering butty - share with them what you enjoy and what they enjoy. I don't think I had the patience to do things like playing with toy cars or pretending games when I was a mum. But I have played in all kinds of ways with my two - including endless repetitions of playing rita the rat, watership down, harry potter etc
Last time I saw them I bought them a cricket kit and discovered that I was not nearly as bad at underarm bowling as I would have thought.grin cricket? moi?

whenim64 Sun 11-Aug-13 13:17:25

I remember my auntie visiting us - a rare occurrence, especially when she lived in Canada for a couple of years. She brought cinnamon flavoured chewing gum and we were enthralled at its novelty. That memory has stayed with me for nearly sixty years. It was such a fun visit! smile

Butty Sun 11-Aug-13 13:05:00

Lovely positive comments, and will remember them. smile

I shall endeavour to be a fabulously different granny where quality not quantity matters and have a joyous time.

B Lots to celebrate. Have a happy, fizzy, sizzling week. smile

Nonu Sun 11-Aug-13 11:47:45

Just enjoy your DCC , Butty , bet you have a marvellous time !!

whenim64 Sun 11-Aug-13 11:39:52

Just go with the flow, Butty. Children are no respecters of actual time spent when they are in the moment and they realise how interested you are in them. They'll be wrapped round you in no time when you've got yourself sat down with them. smile

Tegan Sun 11-Aug-13 11:38:25

hipe typos are getting worse sad....

Tegan Sun 11-Aug-13 11:37:43

It's not the amount of time you spend with your grandchildren but the quality time sometimes. They may see the other grandmother all the time, but your visits may stay in their memory forever [no pressure, Butty smile]. I think that's why I wanted to holiday in Cornwall, in the hipe that they would associate the place with me, and the love I have for them and Cornwall itself would somehow intermingle [does that make sense?]. I used to look after some children who had, sadly lost their mum and their granny was a constant and dominant figure in their lives; one of them confided in me once that she drove them all bonkers. I bet theyr'e as excited as you are about the visit and it's going to be wonderful sunshine.

Bags Sun 11-Aug-13 11:37:22

butty, you will have a glorious time and be a fabulous gran. Your son and DiL clearly think so too smile

jess, I like your list. It's a useful way of looking at relationships. I feel extremely fortunate to be in the first category and also fortunate not to feel pushed out in the least by the lovely and healthy relationship my daughter and son-in-law have with his parents who see them every week or so whereas I see them maybe three times a year. In fact, I'm very pleased for my grandsons that they have this contact with their father's family because it provides them with five playmate cousins of similar ages, whereas there are no cousins yet from my side of the family.

DD1 and family will arrive later today for a visit. Just moved my harp from the room where they will sleep to give them more space. DD2 will pop over for an overnight visit later in the week laden, she says, with sausages (I've to provide the shallots to cook with them) and bubbly because she hasn't met her younger nephew yet and her big sister has just been awarded her OU honours degree after, as she put it "fourteen years, two babies and twelve house moves." MrBags, who is not DD1's father, also came home with a bottle of (VG!) bubbly on Friday, saying "It's not every day someone gets a degree." It will be a very celebratory week smile

Butty Sun 11-Aug-13 11:21:16

In just over two weeks I'm flying out to see my son and family - it's been over 15 mths since I last saw them all. I feel my grandmotherly skills are non-existent, and I am completely different from their Italian Nona who lives 5 mins away. In fact, thinking about it (which I try hard not to do), I've only been with the grandkids for about 9 weeks in total since they were born.
I don't how I will be, but I will be there, and that will be enough.
I really don't know why I'm writing this because it makes me cry! My son and daughter-in-law are thrilled - and that is more than enough.
It's going to be emotional, that's for sure!

JessM Sun 11-Aug-13 10:50:24

I guess it depends marelli on the patterns that have been established over the decades, and what kind of personalities the individuals have.

Marelli Sun 11-Aug-13 10:12:53

In all of your examples, I think I can recognise someone, JessM. It must just be the way of things, and how we cope with it might depend on the type of relationship we had with our own parents.

JessM Sun 11-Aug-13 08:48:55

Some people just seem to fall into an easy relationship with their adult children and become friends. (and I'm sure that can sometimes mean the ILs on the other side are pushed out a bit)
Some mothers manage to retain dominance of their brood in adulthood, I can think of one who imposes her will on the son who runs the family business. Not pleasant to watch though. Emotional blackmail. ugh.
Others get bullied or manipulated by their grown up offspring.
Others get given the cold shoulder and keep their parents at a distance - to varying degrees, as we know on GN.
Some are dependent on their adult offspring for reasons no fault of their own.
Others have somewhat challenging relationships, with ups, downs and some tensions and change over time and I think I fall into that category.

kittylester Sun 11-Aug-13 08:00:26

I think there's no doubt we all love our off-spring nonu but sometimes they don't behave as we would wish!! grin

Nonu Sat 10-Aug-13 21:45:34

I have two DD" s & one Son , all of which I love to bits !!

nanaej Sat 10-Aug-13 21:41:03

I think our own experiences with our parents influences our behaviour as grandparents. I found my parents' support invaluable and because my in laws were a lot older my DDs spent more time with my parents. My DH's parents were involved in their lives too and were close but did not do the looking after.

My DD1 MiL is a long term acquaintance / friend ..we were neighbours when kids were small. She never saw her own parents. When she divorced and remarried she and new DH built up a life that even my SiL would say was introspective! They are very involved in their relationship and extended family, whilst loved, does not appear to be a priority and very much has to fit round them and their commitments. That is not a criticism just a fact. She loves the boys but does not appear to want to be more involved than she is.

My other DDs MiL has only just got to know her GDs. She ignored them for the first 7 years!