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Yes I am being unreasonable and I know it....

(119 Posts)
Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 09:53:55

I always had dreams of family holidays by the seaside and was planning to rent a large cottage in Cornwall next year and asking the kids and grandchildren to stay. My son says count him out as he has a holiday planned that will use up all of his annual leave and my daughter is getting very close with her in laws parents as her sister in law is pregnant and they are all getting together for a few days by the sea later this year. I can see this being an annual event. I feel sort of squeezed out. As I say, I do know I'm being unreasonable and I know I'm lucky that I see my family etc etc but at this moment in time I've got the lump in the throat/heavy feeling in the pit of the stomach thing that you get when you're a bit miserable. Years ago something similar happened when my neice and her husband started coming on holiday with us and her mother said rather sadly 'so this is the family holiday then?' I didn't understand what she meant at the time. I know I'm being really really silly but just wanted to offload a bit [sorry]. She says the SIL's mother loves having people to stay whereas the S.O. has had a slight grievance with my daughter and her husband for a few years; nothing on the surface but a few undercurrents that we all know are there [I think that's what's getting to me a bit].

Bags Wed 07-Aug-13 09:56:05

Have a hug, tegan and some flowers. A good cry might do you good too brew

j08 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:08:24

Families never work out like you hope they will do they? sad I've got that heavy feeling too at the moment cos my DD2 has gone off on holiday with a friend, taking my grandsons with them. I keep thinking "why aren't I there". I mean, really I can sort of enjoy it through them. I know the place they are staying so I know they will be having a lovely time. And that is enough, really. But still...........

Sorry to whine about me. Hope you feel better soon Tegan. flowers

j08 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:10:58

One foot in front of the other I guess. smile

merlotgran Wed 07-Aug-13 10:12:18

You're not alone, Tegan. These family holidays sound idyllic but believe me they are fraught with danger.

The first one we planned was at a Haven Holiday Park in Cornwall. All went well until we noticed DD1's husband was moody, unwilling to join in anything and frequently disappearing. We later found out he was texting his 'floozie'. They are now divorced!

The second one was at another Haven park. We were all attending a niece's wedding so booked three 'luxury' caravans near to the venue. The view of the sand dunes turned out to be a landfill site!! One by one the DGCs went down with tummy bugs!!

DD2 then took over planning family holidays. Her first attempt was to book a lovely converted barn in Devon complete with swimming pool and hot tub. This was for Christmas three years ago. DH went down with Norovirus and passed it on to everyone else!

Undeterred, she then booked a family holiday in Malta. We didn't go as I couldn't be out of the country due to Mum's care needs. She took her MiL instead. They all fell out and it and the flak caused her and our lovely SIL to separate. There is a trial reconcilliation going on at the moment (we are dog sitting) with a family holiday in Dorset. THEIR family!!

If there are already undercurrents - Don't even think about it! Treat yourselves to somewhere lovely instead. grin

Ella46 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:14:33

Tegan I know how you feel, but keep smiling, there's not much you can do about it. flowers

KatyK Wed 07-Aug-13 10:15:06

I can understand how you feel Tegan. My original post on GN (which I won't bore you with) was sort of similar. I feel as if I am being squeezed out of my daughter's life. I thought we were a close family, I am now wondering. In my case it is my daughter's friend's family who are 'taking over'. I would like to say try not to let it get to you but I have tried and can't follow my own advice. A friend of mine has just had a holiday similar to the one you hoped to have, with all her family and grand-children. I have to admit I was jealous, I can't see that ever happening with us - it never has. I don't think you are being unreasonable. The only thing I will say is that they are not doing it to hurt you, it's just life carrying them along with it.

Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 10:17:52

I know I'm being daft and all I want is for them to be happy. I've always been so independant it wouldn't occur to either of them that I was upset. Shall go to the gym and pump a bit of iron and then go and sort out my bus pass/fuel allowance. The trouble with all this pension stuff is I keep having to show people my birth certificate, passport and decree absolute and I feel as if I'm carrying my whole life around in a folder. What a plonker I am. Thanks ladies smile.

Ella46 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:25:22

Tegan sunshine Better to be thought of as an independent mum than be thought of as a whinger!

Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 10:32:04

Anyway, the dog still wants to come on holiday with me [well, she hasn't said otherwise wink].

JessM Wed 07-Aug-13 10:38:18

Aw tegan - trouble with being an independent "strong" woman is that people assume you don't have feelings of vulnerability etc. It is harder when people get divorced etc too as step parents do not always want their annual leave to be devoted to step kids and grandkids do they.

whenim64 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:40:29

My sister and husband went away to a lovely shared 10 bed cottage over looking Lake Windermere five years running. It looked idyllic and neither of them made anything but positive comments about it. They suddenly stopped going and a year or so later confided that they were sick to death of the rows that broke out within 24 hours of arrival, between their son's parents in law. The atmosphere was bad enough to spoil everyone else's holiday. Why they didn't confront them about it, I don't know. Strangely enough, those two in-laws still reminisce about the lovely holidays they all had together!

KatyK Wed 07-Aug-13 10:42:16

Ella - I agree. I'm afraid I have become a bit of a whinger over my problems with my DD, it's made matters worse. My DH has a different attitude to it all. He says why do you assume she wants to do what you want to do, she's a grown woman with her own life. Hard to accept but of course he's right. Tegan you seem to be feeling better now you have got it off your chest! Good to talk.

KatyK Wed 07-Aug-13 10:44:37

And JO8 my DD is on hols at the moment with my GD and friends and I am thinking the same as you. Must get a grip.

henetha Wed 07-Aug-13 10:45:25

I understand exactly how you feel Tegan. No matter how much the logical part of us tries to understand these things, there is still that feeling you describe in the pit of your stomach.
My son lives in a large house with a large mortgage, so came up with a plan;-
He would divide his house into two separate flats and I could sell my house and give him a lump sum and then live in the lower flat for the rest of my life. But I could not sell my house, so he went ahead and got another tenant instead, which I sort of reluctantly understood. But, what is rattling my cage at the moment is the fact that suddenly the new tenant and wife are his best bosom buddies now, overwhelmingly, and I feel squeezed out and resentful!
I know I am being unreasonable, .... but........sad

Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 10:51:40

I thought the grandchildren weren't having a seaside holiday this year and it was only when I offered a few days by the sea that the other holiday was mentioned. The S.O. does have a holiday flat overlooking the sea and my son is always made to feel welcome but my daughter isn't [she has to pay rent for it]. This is what has caused the upset over the years.

KatyK Wed 07-Aug-13 11:01:43

There are a lot of folks on here feeling squeezed out - me included. It's so sad. sad I know that in the case of my DD it's not deliberate, she's just getting on with her life. Bit thoughtless at times.

j08 Wed 07-Aug-13 11:02:22

Not a plonker at all Tegan!

grin about the dog. grin

Stansgran Wed 07-Aug-13 11:22:57

I feel at home on this thread. DD1 has well to do PILs who rent a glam mansion at the seaside on the Côte d'Azur and invite their rellies. Our DGCs spend a month there then come to us. I have to collect them . The PILs tell us when they are having the DGCs and we are left with peak August holiday often very last minute so extremely expensive .we have rented a chalet outside Windermere and feel very much the poor relatives, if rather down market. It is a luxury one so I'm hopeful. Sadly I detected a bit of strife between DGD and her GM . There were pointed remarks that summer was for swimming and playing tennis etc not reading books. She is a bookish child but likes riding and playing imaginary games and when the comments were made she looked rather sullen. I hate seeing that sort of look on a child's face.there are those who feel everyone should run marathons ,sail solo across the Atlantic,indulge in triathlons and those who think it is selfish lunacy.well I've got that off my chest.

Sel Wed 07-Aug-13 11:27:05

Tegan big hug, you're not being unreasonable, just human. Do you think maybe this has been your dream, this idyllic seaside family holiday - maybe your children didn't know or maybe it wouldn't be their choice? Personally I'd run a mile from the idea of an extended family holiday, the potential for upset is too great. It's funny as my DD1 keeps suggesting it, a dozen of us - I see it as two weeks of eggshell treading. flowers

Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 11:28:35

I put it down to the fact that I can't bake cakes sad. In fact, I can't cook, full stop.

maxgran Wed 07-Aug-13 11:32:39

I have 'waves' of feeling like this too Tegan,
Our children have their own busy lives and plans but I do see them often. I would love a big family holiday but in reality I do know they could end up in disaster as not everyone gets on well all the time!
My partner would rather not go on holiday my the kids and their children and he cannot understand why it bothers me.

I realised too that its pressure on the kids to try to keep everyone happy - us and the in-laws etc.
I know both my children would love us all to spend a holiday together because they and I are very close - but that doesn't mean their spouses or mine necessarily feel the same about it.

I think we often have an idyllic view of these things - which in reality may not turn out the way we plan in our minds.
I have had to learn to let it go and just enjoy the occasions we DO spend together.

Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 11:42:31

But, at the end of the day who is the first person they contact when they need help sad even though I wouldn't want it any other way.

maxgran Wed 07-Aug-13 11:51:39

Me neither but that's the way it is.
Once our children are grown we have to let go and not have expectations - They have new lives and new people who take priority over us - They are OUR priority and always will be but it is a hard adjustment to make.

One thing you can probably be sure of is that they will always love you and 'need' to know they are loved by you because its a bond that cannot be broken even though they have new priorities.

I often wonder how my mother must have felt at times when I look back... but I know at the time, I probably never gave it a second thought!

Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 11:54:19

Oh I deserve hellfireanddamnation for the way I treated my poor mum.