to feel hurt by my Mum or should I have got over it by now?

I suspect her mother (who lost a baby son) preferred her remaining son to my mother, Jess, and my mother too lost my younger brother's twin when he was 2. Very sad for my parents, his twin and me.

As I have mentioned before, my Mum is a huge snob and, I think, married my father, partly, because his family was well off. We were never as 'comfortable' as she would have liked and she felt very hard done by and disappointed.

DH has a good job, I stayed at home and I suspect that she was disappointed that, instead of living as she thought we should, we had 5 children, are very family orientated and didn't do the social things she expected of people in 'our position'

Youngest brother, though, has tons of money, one child and does everything expected of him - big cars, flash holidays etc.

I think I've mentioned before that my Mum used to tell people that I 'had help with the children'. When I asked her why, she said 'I wouldn't like people to think that you were barefoot and pregnant in a council house'. Rather than relishing the 5 grandchildren, she seemed embarrassed about them Although now she enjoys the kudos of having (my) 5 great grandchildren.

Flipping families [grrrrr]

Great expression kitty but tough situation. I remember feeling angry, periodically, with my mother after her death.
Have you any knowledge/understanding of her upbringing and why she favoured the boys and failed to establish a close bond with you?

I have a brother that used to fart rainbows but, since Mum became 'confused', she thinks he is having an affair and has left his wife so is no longer her favourite. That doesn't mean I am - the other brother is now!!

Though, actually, no-one would dare either fart or use the word in my Mum's presence.

Your story is so familiar with me nanaej when my DH's mother died her house was very strangely secretly cleared of everything of any value by the very daughter who had never spoken to her mother for over 20 years! We were left with loads of old rubbish and the bill for a couple of skips.

I love your saying "farted rainbows" and I intend to use it at least once today, hopefully more!

nanaej strangely DH's brothers all turned up to help clear their parents' house - once

jeanie, I bet you made excuses for your brother not visiting. I always do, so mum isn't hurt. Not that my brothers don't go but Mum forgets they have been and I could gain huge amounts of brownie points if I wanted to.

Perhaps your mother as completely forgotten who she as left her belonging too, I don't know but I would certainly have a word with her.
The question needs to be asked why she would leave a piece of jewellery to a complete stranger. I thing that is very strange.
If she dislikes you and is being spiteful which old people can certainly be I personally would say have a good life and let her get on with it.
If this is the case and I hope it isn't you need to move on and put it behind you, whatever happens don't let your past dictate what happens to your future.
Unfortunately all mothers don't always love their children equally that is a fact of life my mother always put my brother on a pedisal and he never did a single thing for her. I cared for my mother when she had terminal cancer until she died and he never visited her once.

Sorry it is so tricky for you kitty

My MiL always favoured one of her sons. I don't suppose she meant to be unkind but it used to infuriate me that he farted rainbows but did bugger all to practically help! DH did shopping, visiting etc regularly 2 x weekly as we lived closer than other 3 siblings. When she died (at home) we were the ones who went to the flat etc following call from police.

However the other three turned up within days to do the 'clearing out' of the flat!! DH & I were left to get rid of the unwanted furniture!

Families, so much pleasure so much pain!

Thank you all for your kind words. I am feeling a lot better now. I think it was just a wobble having seen the words in black and white. I went to see Mum last week and, luckily, one of my brothers was there at the same time.

I do have a good relationship with my girls (and my sons) and DH and I are well aware that we have to work hard to maintain that.

It's obvious that lots of us have not had a good time of it as far as mothers are concerned, so and to all who have had to overcome that and still managed to build better relationships with their own daughters.

A truck load of Crown Derby would be nice too

This is so hard and I do feel for you kitty.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother, but she was always srupulously fair about material things - how I wish her fairness had extended to the emotional realm!

I know how hard it is when there are unresolved problems with a mother who loses her faculties. I had exactly the same situation - my mother became very severely demented and disabled several years before her death and there was no way of taking with her about the unresolved difficulties.

You will come through all this kitty as I have done and reason will prevail over the hurt. But you are right to be hurt and need to ackowledge that and move on. You do indeed have the moral high ground - keep that.

My mother did not want me - that sounds a bit emotional! - but I know I was not planned (she told me she had tried gin and a hot bath!) and I think she did find it hard to keep her resentment in check. She was basically a decent woman who had a lot on her plate - not least her appalling PMT, which impinged on all of us.

Being in a relationship like that with one's mother is a fundamental problem and however old we are it has an impact on who we are. You can move on from this kitty and do what you know to be right - please try not to let this rule your life. Hold your head up and don't let it become too much of a burden. I am thinking of you.

I feel for you Kitty lots of us I think probably haven,t had the mothers we would have liked! My, mother is dead now but I wasn't,t in touch with her for a long time before she died. Her most spiteful act when we!d had a spell of not talking was one Christmas Eve to return in a black bin liner every present I had ever sent her that she could find from childhood to their silver wedding gift I,d bought as an adult. I hope you have a better relationship with your own children, I have and treasure it . Take care of yourself.

I really agree with your last sentence stansgran
Kitty you do have the moral high ground after all you have done for your mother and clear conscience outweighs a truck load of Crown Derby.

I think you should in an odd way be relieved. I understand the hurt but actually possessing something that was used to hurt you could well be a constant reminder. I was left my grandmother 's tea service which was bought piece by piece weekly from the Co op. my aunt felt it should have been hers and hung onto it and it came to me after the aunt died. It is pretty but not worth the venom that it produced in my aunt. I also have stuff galore from relatives all with memories but try fobbing it off on the next generation - not a hope . Their houses are too small, they don't do tea parties, dinner parties, their DHs prefer ikea or habitat. I have visions of a series of skips outside with the family treasures and memories being hurled into it. I've written my will and I'm determined it can't be used as a weaponby grumpy offspring. Kitty you do have the moral high ground after all you have done for your mother and clear conscience outweighs a truck load of Crown Derby.

I'm not going to write what I think about the way your mum has treated you kitty, but I'm going to think it and hope the 'thoughts' will wing their way over to you ....

Oh, Kitty, that's just the point, isn't it? It's not the "stuff" or even the value of it, it's knowing how little we seem to be regarded. My father is refusing a not insignificant inheritance from a member of his family (actually is telling her to st**f it) because of a load of family history there is no one left to remember any more and because he doesn't need it. Well, his circumstances mean he probably would indeed not benefit from an inheritance. He is in his late 80s, in social housing and on pension credits. But I (and my daughter and family) certainly would benefit! It would enable me to give up full-time work at some point in my late 60s and enable me to leave something to my daughter in due course. But my role (the role of daughters born in the 40s / 50s?) is to do the giving and to be selfless, it seems. And of course we will - we'll carry on doing the best we can while knowing it will never be as much as is required. As Backagain says, no one can hurt us like our parents can.

Really sorry you're hurting, Kitty, but please don't take it personally - it's not you, it's them!.

Nobody can hurt us the way our parents can.
Kitty

Elegran, that's a nice thought but she wouldn't and really, if I'm honest, it's not the ring so much as the fact that Mum put everyone else before me. My brother and his ex are still in contact

On the day she was going to the solicitor to write her will, she rang me and asked what I would like. I hadn't given it a thought until then and struggled to think of anything at all but everything I mentioned had been promised to someone else - brothers, sisters in law, niece, my children! Eventually she said I had to have the most hideous oak 'buffet' as that was all that was left. I said that I didn't want it but I'd have it it I could have the contents as it stood. It had lots of stuff from my Nan, my Granny and from my childhood. Silly stuff like mismatched cut-glass, tea services, cutlery. She rang back later and said I could have the contents but she had taken the silver out (sugar bowl and cream jug) to give to my niece.

kitty Do you think that brother's ex-girlfriend would part with the ring to you? Was she a nice enough person to consider that? Perhaps for a sum of money instead. That would be more use to her than an engagement ring that belonged to the mother of someone she has probably forgotten by now?

Tegan it must have been a very long time ago

Ariadne, you are right she can't communicate logically and I think I want to have a good argument with her and ask her what I am supposed to have done and I can't now

Otw, I realise some of you would love to see your parents again - but not all of us.

It seems natural to me to give your engagement ring to your daughter. I feel for my brother's wife whose predecessor is getting her MiL's engagement ring. Her husband is Mum's favourite (the baby) and I think he will quite enjoy the reflected glory involved in the ex getting the ring.

But, I do the running round, paying the bills, buying her clothes (for which she pays).

Still beeping angry with her but thank you all for your support.

Maybe her senility started to kick in a long time ago and her behaviour and actions were a part of that?

It must have been hard for you to read this will now, a document that will be legal only when your Mother has left. If you can , I should battle with your understandable hurt to realise afresh that these days are her last and seek to make the most of the time you two have left together ( if that means not seeing her until you can feel positive about it, then so be it) . I know it's hard but most of us would swap every possession known to man to see our parents once again. Good luck and well done for trying to do the best for her .

And your mother isn't able to communicate rationally now, am I right? Which makes it even more hard for you, kitty.

You are not being unreasonable at all, but, as merlot says, it's only stuff. But stuff with meaning for you at the end of the day. So sorry to hear all this.

I'd feel upset and probably angry as well.

This giving away of jewellery can be so hurtful. You are not being unreasonable to feel hurt, you are her daughter after all.

My MIL gave her favourite ring to my daughter after I had spent weeks downsizing her furniture and finding sheltered accomodation etc etc. I was exhausted by the time she moved in and at the first family get together in her new appartment she gave DD1 the little box with the ring. DD1 had been on holiday in Chile and had done NOTHING.

That broke it for me but she was not my own mother. It must be so hurtful for you. With this business of her will, it will go on hurting unless you try to accept it and live your life. The story is very common - mothers and daughters do not always get on. The engagement ring can bring you no happiness if it is not given with warmth and affection.

My mother stopped speaking to me about 10 years ago and I have no idea why! I have a feeling that she will leave quite a large chunk of her money to her cleaner! My DS is the only family member who sees her lately, she has managed to alienate my DIL by her unspeakable rudeness.

Families, eh kitty !

Oh kitty, you're certainly not wrong at all. I see the will was written before you fell out and comes over to me as spiteful. There, I probably shouldn't have said that but I feel for you, hugs and