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to feel hurt by my Mum or should I have got over it by now?

(29 Posts)
kittylester Thu 15-Aug-13 10:10:13

Some of you will be aware that my mum and I have had a 'difficult' relationship and didn't communicate for 6 years but for about the past 5 years I have tried to do my best for her - mainly to maintain a relationship with my brothers.

Mum has moved care homes three times recently and each successive move has meant getting rid of more and more of her stuff. As we are now getting to the 'good stuff' we thought we'd better check who was getting what in the will written in 1999 (before we fell out). Both my brothers are executors.

Mum has left her silver, Crown Derby other ornaments, various bits of furniture, eternity ring etc to individual people and her engagement ring to my younger brother's ex-girlfriend (he's been married for 26 years) who now lives in Australia and hasn't seen Mum since she left the UK.

I have been left 'which of my remaining chattels as she would like to choose'.

I'm not sure why I'm so upset considering her history of disliking me and mine but AIBU to not feel like visiting her at the moment?

Anne58 Thu 15-Aug-13 10:11:41

Oh kitty, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

sunseeker Thu 15-Aug-13 10:17:39

I would be upset too! I have never had a good relationship with my mother either, we have never actually fallen out - I am just aware that my brother always came first in her affections and nothing I ever did for her was good enough. I know I am not mentioned in her Will, everything going to my brother and his children (not that she has much to leave)

Could your brothers have a word with her and suggest that her engagement ring should really be left to you, or at least some other female member of the family rather than to someone who will probably not treasure it.

If you are anything like me you will not feel like visiting but will anyway! flowers

merlotgran Thu 15-Aug-13 10:22:47

I can understand why you feel hurt,kitty but it's only stuff at the end of the day. Make sure you choose something which will remind you of good times and don't worry about the value of the other items.

I've had to move my mother three times in recent years and soon got tired of the haggling over who was having what. I've had the bother of storing everything (luckily we have a suitable outbuilding) and I'm getting to the point of threatening to get EMMAUS to take it all away.

I don't think you're being unreasonable if you don't feel like visiting your mother at the moment. Just wait until you feel a bit better about the situation.

dustyangel Thu 15-Aug-13 10:26:00

Oh kitty, you're certainly not wrong at all. I see the will was written before you fell out and comes over to me as spiteful. There, I probably shouldn't have said that but I feel for you, hugs and flowers

Anne58 Thu 15-Aug-13 10:28:11

My mother stopped speaking to me about 10 years ago and I have no idea why! I have a feeling that she will leave quite a large chunk of her money to her cleaner! My DS is the only family member who sees her lately, she has managed to alienate my DIL by her unspeakable rudeness.

Families, eh kitty !

MargaretX Thu 15-Aug-13 10:32:24

This giving away of jewellery can be so hurtful. You are not being unreasonable to feel hurt, you are her daughter after all.

My MIL gave her favourite ring to my daughter after I had spent weeks downsizing her furniture and finding sheltered accomodation etc etc. I was exhausted by the time she moved in and at the first family get together in her new appartment she gave DD1 the little box with the ring. DD1 had been on holiday in Chile and had done NOTHING.

That broke it for me but she was not my own mother. It must be so hurtful for you. With this business of her will, it will go on hurting unless you try to accept it and live your life. The story is very common - mothers and daughters do not always get on. The engagement ring can bring you no happiness if it is not given with warmth and affection.

petallus Thu 15-Aug-13 10:32:45

I'd feel upset and probably angry as well.

Ariadne Thu 15-Aug-13 10:38:15

And your mother isn't able to communicate rationally now, am I right? Which makes it even more hard for you, kitty.

You are not being unreasonable at all, but, as merlot says, it's only stuff. But stuff with meaning for you at the end of the day. So sorry to hear all this. flowers

Otw10413 Thu 15-Aug-13 11:42:46

It must have been hard for you to read this will now, a document that will be legal only when your Mother has left. If you can , I should battle with your understandable hurt to realise afresh that these days are her last and seek to make the most of the time you two have left together ( if that means not seeing her until you can feel positive about it, then so be it) . I know it's hard but most of us would swap every possession known to man to see our parents once again. Good luck and well done for trying to do the best for her .

Tegan Thu 15-Aug-13 12:41:09

Maybe her senility started to kick in a long time ago and her behaviour and actions were a part of that?

kittylester Thu 15-Aug-13 14:13:27

Tegan it must have been a very long time ago grin

Ariadne, you are right she can't communicate logically and I think I want to have a good argument with her and ask her what I am supposed to have done and I can't now confused

Otw, I realise some of you would love to see your parents again - but not all of us. sad

It seems natural to me to give your engagement ring to your daughter. I feel for my brother's wife whose predecessor is getting her MiL's engagement ring. Her husband is Mum's favourite (the baby) and I think he will quite enjoy the reflected glory involved in the ex getting the ring.

But, I do the running round, paying the bills, buying her clothes (for which she pays).

Still beeping angry with her but thank you all for your support.

Elegran Thu 15-Aug-13 14:37:46

kitty Do you think that brother's ex-girlfriend would part with the ring to you? Was she a nice enough person to consider that? Perhaps for a sum of money instead. That would be more use to her than an engagement ring that belonged to the mother of someone she has probably forgotten by now?

kittylester Thu 15-Aug-13 14:53:27

Elegran, that's a nice thought but she wouldn't and really, if I'm honest, it's not the ring so much as the fact that Mum put everyone else before me. My brother and his ex are still in contact confused

On the day she was going to the solicitor to write her will, she rang me and asked what I would like. I hadn't given it a thought until then and struggled to think of anything at all but everything I mentioned had been promised to someone else - brothers, sisters in law, niece, my children! Eventually she said I had to have the most hideous oak 'buffet' as that was all that was left. I said that I didn't want it but I'd have it it I could have the contents as it stood. It had lots of stuff from my Nan, my Granny and from my childhood. Silly stuff like mismatched cut-glass, tea services, cutlery. She rang back later and said I could have the contents but she had taken the silver out (sugar bowl and cream jug) to give to my niece. confused

Backagain Thu 15-Aug-13 15:59:36

Nobody can hurt us the way our parents can.
Kitty flowers

feldmarschallin Thu 15-Aug-13 17:59:24

Oh, Kitty, that's just the point, isn't it? It's not the "stuff" or even the value of it, it's knowing how little we seem to be regarded. My father is refusing a not insignificant inheritance from a member of his family (actually is telling her to st**f it) because of a load of family history there is no one left to remember any more and because he doesn't need it. Well, his circumstances mean he probably would indeed not benefit from an inheritance. He is in his late 80s, in social housing and on pension credits. But I (and my daughter and family) certainly would benefit! It would enable me to give up full-time work at some point in my late 60s and enable me to leave something to my daughter in due course. But my role (the role of daughters born in the 40s / 50s?) is to do the giving and to be selfless, it seems. And of course we will - we'll carry on doing the best we can while knowing it will never be as much as is required. As Backagain says, no one can hurt us like our parents can.

Really sorry you're hurting, Kitty, but please don't take it personally - it's not you, it's them!.

Tegan Thu 15-Aug-13 18:09:30

I'm not going to write what I think about the way your mum has treated you kitty, but I'm going to think it and hope the 'thoughts' will wing their way over to you angry....

Stansgran Fri 23-Aug-13 15:06:09

I think you should in an odd way be relieved. I understand the hurt but actually possessing something that was used to hurt you could well be a constant reminder. I was left my grandmother 's tea service which was bought piece by piece weekly from the Co op. my aunt felt it should have been hers and hung onto it and it came to me after the aunt died. It is pretty but not worth the venom that it produced in my aunt. I also have stuff galore from relatives all with memories but try fobbing it off on the next generation - not a hope . Their houses are too small, they don't do tea parties, dinner parties, their DHs prefer ikea or habitat. I have visions of a series of skips outside with the family treasures and memories being hurled into it. I've written my will and I'm determined it can't be used as a weaponby grumpy offspring. Kitty you do have the moral high ground after all you have done for your mother and clear conscience outweighs a truck load of Crown Derby.

Ella46 Fri 23-Aug-13 15:24:52

I really agree with your last sentence stansgran
Kitty you do have the moral high ground after all you have done for your mother and clear conscience outweighs a truck load of Crown Derby.

TwiceAsNice Fri 23-Aug-13 16:09:29

I feel for you Kitty lots of us I think probably haven,t had the mothers we would have liked! My, mother is dead now but I wasn't,t in touch with her for a long time before she died. Her most spiteful act when we!d had a spell of not talking was one Christmas Eve to return in a black bin liner every present I had ever sent her that she could find from childhood to their silver wedding gift I,d bought as an adult. I hope you have a better relationship with your own children, I have and treasure it . Take care of yourself.

Mishap Fri 23-Aug-13 18:30:40

This is so hard and I do feel for you kitty.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother, but she was always srupulously fair about material things - how I wish her fairness had extended to the emotional realm!

I know how hard it is when there are unresolved problems with a mother who loses her faculties. I had exactly the same situation - my mother became very severely demented and disabled several years before her death and there was no way of taking with her about the unresolved difficulties.

You will come through all this kitty as I have done and reason will prevail over the hurt. But you are right to be hurt and need to ackowledge that and move on. You do indeed have the moral high ground - keep that.

My mother did not want me - that sounds a bit emotional! - but I know I was not planned (she told me she had tried gin and a hot bath!) and I think she did find it hard to keep her resentment in check. She was basically a decent woman who had a lot on her plate - not least her appalling PMT, which impinged on all of us.

Being in a relationship like that with one's mother is a fundamental problem and however old we are it has an impact on who we are. You can move on from this kitty and do what you know to be right - please try not to let this rule your life. Hold your head up and don't let it become too much of a burden. I am thinking of you.

kittylester Fri 23-Aug-13 21:38:00

Thank you all for your kind words. I am feeling a lot better now. I think it was just a wobble having seen the words in black and white. I went to see Mum last week and, luckily, one of my brothers was there at the same time.

I do have a good relationship with my girls (and my sons) and DH and I are well aware that we have to work hard to maintain that.

It's obvious that lots of us have not had a good time of it as far as mothers are concerned, so wine and flowers to all who have had to overcome that and still managed to build better relationships with their own daughters.

A truck load of Crown Derby would be nice too grin

nanaej Fri 23-Aug-13 22:24:43

Sorry it is so tricky for you kitty flowers

My MiL always favoured one of her sons. I don't suppose she meant to be unkind but it used to infuriate me that he farted rainbows but did bugger all to practically help! DH did shopping, visiting etc regularly 2 x weekly as we lived closer than other 3 siblings. When she died (at home) we were the ones who went to the flat etc following call from police.

However the other three turned up within days to do the 'clearing out' of the flat!! DH & I were left to get rid of the unwanted furniture!

Families, so much pleasure so much pain!

jeanie99 Sat 24-Aug-13 00:29:01

Perhaps your mother as completely forgotten who she as left her belonging too, I don't know but I would certainly have a word with her.
The question needs to be asked why she would leave a piece of jewellery to a complete stranger. I thing that is very strange.
If she dislikes you and is being spiteful which old people can certainly be I personally would say have a good life and let her get on with it.
If this is the case and I hope it isn't you need to move on and put it behind you, whatever happens don't let your past dictate what happens to your future.
Unfortunately all mothers don't always love their children equally that is a fact of life my mother always put my brother on a pedisal and he never did a single thing for her. I cared for my mother when she had terminal cancer until she died and he never visited her once.

kittylester Sat 24-Aug-13 07:04:03

nanaej strangely DH's brothers all turned up to help clear their parents' house - once angry

jeanie, I bet you made excuses for your brother not visiting. I always do, so mum isn't hurt. Not that my brothers don't go but Mum forgets they have been and I could gain huge amounts of brownie points if I wanted to. flowers