Smoking when granddaughter around

My oldest DS who is autistic developed Schizophrenia when we lived in Portugal we discovered he had been smoking Cannabis and the specialist he saw in the Algarve had done a study and was convinced that Cannabis was a trigger for this awful condition. I am allergic to it and start violent sneezing whenever it is around. It is a dangerous drug no matter what anyone says and no child should be exposed to it. Your SIL needs to have hard words with his brother and his mother.

Nightowl and Janeainsworth you both make very interesting points. My DD barely drinks - whilst I have taken full advantage of retiring as an unpaid all night taxi driver!

I think that it is important to leave parental decisions to parents. I try to support my children by offering advice (not always on request!) and by acting as a sounding board without getting too involved in the day to day stuff. We have to let our children live their own lives and make their own mistakes.

We can support our children by getting informed on the facts (cannabis smoke is much worse than tobacco smoke in terms of health detriment and the effects will affect children even if the odour is barely discernible) and we should act as advocates on behalf of the GC to help our children make decisions focused on the GC's best interests - but it is not really for us to take action.

I didn't have grandparents in my life, but my children did. My children really value the relationship that they have with their GP's even though the DH and I moan and groan about our parents! If our children decide that this is worth a healthrisk - we have to accept it.

Nightowl You are so right about thresholds and attitudes to other drugs.
I will put my hand up and say that although I don't think I drink to excess, dinner wouldn't be half so enjoyable without a glass of wine.
It's never occurred to me till this minute to think that it might be inappropriate to do this in front of the grandchildren, but in fact my American DGC's other grandparents don't drink and they might well think we should keep the wine out of sight while the DGCs are around.
I wouldn't be best pleased if they said so, though!

As grandparents though, it doesn't really matter what we think because it's not our place to do anything about it. All we can do is express an opinion and take the consequences, if there are any.

We will all have different thresholds for what we feel is appropriate behaviour around our grandchildren. We will all have different experiences in our own lives to do with drug use, and many of us might have used drugs ourselves or had children who have used drugs to a greater or lesser extent. We will also have different attitudes towards alcohol and tobacco use and their place in our grandchildren's lives, not to mention the different views and attitudes in laws could hold and to which our grandchildren will be exposed. We have to trust their parents to care enough to put their welfare first. If we can't do that, we have some hard questions to ask ourselves and some hard decisions to make.

I don't know anything about smoking it. But I still think, not in front of kids and air house thoroughly, should be enough.

I guess I would n' t be too happy about it though.

Perhaps choose your in-laws more carefully?

I wouldn't be taking my babies/children there, I would just invite mil to visit whenever, and if she asks why, I would just explain calmly.

Children's health comes first.

Me too, Tegan. The MEN arena's long corridors to the exits always smell of it.

I don't think anyone should smoke when your GD is around. Other than that, it's up to them.

I think cannabis smells like cat pee.

I read that not only is it dangerous to smoke near babies but that if you go outside to smoke and then come back into the house where the child is it still poses a danger. I gave up smoking totally when my grandchildren were born. And I have left concerts in the past and realised I was passively stoned as I left .

j08 sorry but I think you are misinformed. Cannabis is usually mixed with tobacco to make a joint. So two evils together.

Cannabis smells sweet and sickly, as well as there being a fug of smoke in the air. Spraying round and opening doors and windows gets rid of it fairly quickly. When I worked with offenders in a residential setting, the cannabis smell could easily get to staff if they inhaled passively, so we were constantly clamping down, clearing the air and ridding the premises of cannabis. Horrible smell!

I would insist on throwing open windows, cold or no.

I don't think it's anywhere near as bad as fag smoke.

Sorry but is this post and the comments for real as I can't believe what I am reading! If they were my children there is no way they would visit the house and I would advise my daughter the same. It has taken us as a nation years to come to terms with the effects of smoking ordinary cigarettes and the damage that passive smoking can have - think Roy Castle. Research into the effects of cannabis smoking is ongoing but I know of families whose lives have been destroyed by the effects of drug taking by their children. What about in years to come will they be influenced by their uncle's habit? Don't forget cannabis is an illegal drug in the UK. Offence wouldn't come into it if my children or my grandchildren's health or well being was an issue. I know this is a bit of a rant but feel very strongly about this.

The MiL may be so inured to the smell of cannabis that she doesn't notice it any more. But it would be inexcusable for you to interfere and have it out with her. If anyone has to broach it with her, it needs to be your daughter's husband.

I'd like to know how long there is between the smoking and the arrival of the children. DD2 is allergic to cannabis and she reacts if someone has recently smoked in a room so the fumes must hang around for the while.

If he doesn't smoke cannabis when the child is there, but before, buy her a can of Febreze and ask her to spray round before her visit. As long as he isn't responsible for the care of the child, that shoud remove the problem. Mother and son can discuss his cannabis use in her house as a separate matter.

Your post is slightly contradictory to the thread title. Does he actually smoke cannabis when the children are there, or just have been smoking it some time before the visit? I would n' t want my grandsons to be in a room with anyone smoking anything.

I agree with j08.
As long as the grandchildren don't see the smoking, I'm not sure it really matters.
Definitely don't have a row with the other Grandma!!

There is no danger to the children involved though, is there? I would think a loving and stable extended family was more important than worrying about this.

Thank you for your replies.it is someone elses house and family this is happening in but biting my tongue for my grand children's sake a real moral dilemma and think my son in law could be abit more proactive though he wants to keep the peace !

I would have thought that the best resolution, if a brother to brother talk doesn't work is for daughter and partner to tell the partner's mother that while the house smells of cannabis, the Grandmother will always be welcome at their grandchildren's house but the grandchildren will not be visiting her house. It is the children's welfare that is paramount.

As for getting involved, support your daughter and her partner in being firm on this issue, but as for personal confrontations, Grandma to Grandma.......no no, no, no, no, no, no.

If her son is a regular cannabis smoker then the house will smell of it anyway, even if he hasn't smoked it for days. The smell hands around and becomes inpregnated into carpets, curtains, etc.

I wouldn't have strong word with the mother, it is unlikely to resolve the situation but I don't see how her being invited over to you daughter's house will cause offence, if worded nicely.

I do agree the best person to broach the subject is for the baby's father to talk to his brother about it.

Surely it is a matter for your daughter's husband to speak to his brother. Does he feel the same way? Or is he complicit too? I certainly think that you risk a big family dispute if you speak to the lady yourself.

It seems probable to me that the MiL person would not be able to stop her son from smoking cannabis anyway. She may hate that fact that he smokes it herself but feel powerless to do anything.