Not a granny yet

Supernanauna, That is dreadful. I think you need to seek some professional help here, for the sake of the baby and of the mother, who sounds very much as if she isn't coping. Might she have post-natal depression, too? Could you approach the NSPCC or social services, or speak to your GP for advice? With regard to whether or not your son is the baby's father, I don't know the law, but surely the mother cannot refuse for the baby's paternity to be established? Heartbreaking for everyone, but it sounds as if the baby could be at risk. Please don't delay, Supernanauna...

Thank you for the hugs, Jud.

Hugs to Supernanauna, too. xx

What a worrying situation supernanauna I would try approaching the NSPCC re the baby. A bipolar mother who is not taking her meds needs help and the baby's safety must be paramount.

Oh Supernanauna! How truly dreadful for you. As you say, it is a total mess. The mother sounds like she needs medical help. Do you have any contact with the baby? Is the mother getting any professional help? Perhaps these problems are too big for you and your son to handle alone.

It must be so frustrating to feel unable to do anything especially if you think this might be your grandchild. It does sound as if Social Services should be involved for the sake of the baby.

Skylark, so sorry you are having such a rough time all round. It is so hard when everything seems to go wrong at once. Can you find a little time to get away from it all? Your daughter sounds like she can give you some support.

Hugs to you both.

I'm in - sort of - the same position and I hope you don't mind me putting my sixpence worth in. Earlier this year my son's ex said she was pregnant with his baby though he said it couldn't be his. During the pregnancy there was little contact - I think he was hiding his head in the sand. But once she said she was in labour he headed to the hospital - unfortunately he missed the birth. He has now convinced himself that the baby is his - mainly because all his friends say the little girl looks like him - which we all know is no indicator of parentage.

Unfortunately, the child's mother is bipolar, is not taking her meds, treats him like dirt when he offers help, screams at the baby for crying, sticks a bottle in the baby's mouth every 20 minutes - whatever about being worried about my son, I'm also worried about the baby, whoever the father may be. The mother, who had offered DNA testing during the pregnancy, is now refusing to allow it to be done.

The whole thing is a total mess and I don't know where we can go from here.

Skylark - I am sorry for butting in on your thread but I've really been feeling the need to talk to somebody about this situation.

Thank you, MGCF. So many wise words, from you and others. I keep reading and re-reading everyone's posts. I think what I am taking away from it at the moment is not to act in haste.

DD has come to stay for 2 weeks as she is working nearby. A sane head, and it's good to be able to speak to her frankly about my feelings, as well as hear her point of view, and through her, my son's: they are close.

We have so much going on in the family atm. Elderly, frail inlaws, who need care and don't live nearby. Medical issues and test results. My other DS involved in work-related problems. Now this. I feel rather bombarded. Other than my close friend yesterday, I've told nobody about this. It is a very great comfort to be able to come here. Thank you, all.

A lovely post mygrannycanfly. Some very sensible and sensitive advice here.

Dear Skylark

I am glad that everyone has been so wise and sympathetic here. Please be very careful about judgements regarding sexual behaviour. I expect every generation is privately horrified by the morals of the generation they have raised. I got pregnant out of wedlock years ago and my mother was appalled. I was so hurt by her rejection that it pretty much destroyed our relationship.

You are not wrong to have the values that you do. Hold on to the honourable behaviour of your son who has not said "prove it" but has faced a very challenging situation very bravely. I would suggest that getting caught up in passion and being "unprepared" suggests that he hasn't rejected all of your upbringing at all.

If it helps, think of your son and mother of your GC as having one of those wonderful magical evenings that neither wanted to end, something that each treasured and thought of as special, not a normal Friday night.

It is easy to support our children when they are making us proud. When they've done something stupid we feel hurt and rejected - but this is when they need us most. It was never your son's job to provide you with the "ideal" grandparent experience. Your son doesn't need you to tell him the things that he will have been saying to himself. He needs you to say - "we are so proud that you are facing up to the consequences of your actions and we will support you as much as we can."

Vent away here - it's safer!

Wise words. Thank you, all, for both your thoughts and your welcome to this forum.

I've spent today with a very dear friend who was empathic, supportive and comforting. Agree - nothing to be done until after the baby's birth, when paternity can be proven, or not as the case may be. In the mean time it is difficult not to let my head spin, and to imagine the maybes or may-not-bes - especially about the woman, what she is like, whether (if the baby proves to be my son's) she will welcome our family and be a "good mum".

My thoughts have also wondered what sort of woman hangs about hotels in distant countries, and has unprotected sex with a man she doesn't know. I am disappointed in my son on many levels: for spurning the values we tried to instil, both by example and discussion, of sex-belonging-to-marriage (or at least a committed relationship); I am horrified, frankly, by his one-night-stand approach - this really is NOT how he was brought up; I'm disappointed in him too for taking a huge risk with both his health and fertility, and for not thinking about the consequences of his actions. But I am actually angry with both of them, even though I don't know her: responsibility for their sexual health, and for their fertility, lay with both of them.

Skylark, you've had some very wise words of advice, and I'm glad you're finding it all helpful. I would agree with Riverwalk - don't look too far ahead, just focus on the immediate problems and finding a solution to them. I think when you settle down, you'll realise that your DH was a troubled and confused as you, and just didn't want to do the wrong thing. No matter how bad it feels, this really won't be the end of the world. I hope it all works out well for you.

Ouch Skylark in your shoes I think I would be keeping my powder dry and waiting to see whether it will be possible for you to have a relationship with this little descendent of yours. Counting chickens and all that.
A friend of mine had a son whose fatherhood was not clear. (Messy relationship - temporary split, bit of a fling, got back together). Eventually, after an equally messy three years, she broke up finally and her partner was being difficult and unreliable in terms of visits etc. DNA test proved that this guy who thought he was the father was not. He fought for parental rights through the court and the judge eventually ruled that he (and his family) was to have no access whatsoever. Not even a card. Point of this story is that maybe, in the interests of your own wellbeing, you should put your grandmotherly hopes away in a little box for now, turn the key and wait to see what happens.

Thank you, all. The most important thing for this baby is that he is loved and brought up in a loving, supportive home with good core values; this whether or not DS is allowed to have much contact, although at the moment he is talking of visiting twice a year. The fact that the baby will be of mixed race if he turns out to be my son's is not a problem to me - more of how being mixed race is viewed where he'll be brought up, and actually I don't know as I've never been there. It is a first for our family here, though, and whilst I am not racist and embrace multi-culturalism, and have friends of diverse ethnic backgrounds both here and abroad, there are family members (especially older ones) who may struggle; being honest now. The question is - should we tell them, ever?! OH is thinking this would be one thing too much for his frail mum.

But you're right, Eloethan; I'm feeling ANGRY this afternoon at the casual way he approached this fling, and I've no idea how the mother and her family will view him visiting and being involved in the baby's life. DD and I have briefly discussed going out there with DS on an early visit if we can. I shall want to see him... and, if I'm allowed, to hold him...

Mishap - well and very wisely said.

I didn't get the impression that skylark thought the baby being mixed race was a problem for her but we all know that, in some societies, it is frowned upon. That is an understandable worry if there is evidence that it would be frowned upon in the baby's home country.

Skylark My own children are mixed race and I'm not sure why it should be seen as something to be upset about. I would be concerned that the pregnancy is the result of a very casual relationship and the woman involved lives overseas, in case there were issues regarding your son's access to the child. But, hopefully any difficulties can be overcome.

As for your feeling that you son, normally a sensible person, has behaved irresponsibily, who amongst us can say with hand on heart that there have never been occasions when we have behaved recklessly or irresponsibly? What matters is what he does from now on and, so far, I think he has behaved admirably.

I hope it works out well for you all. The arrival of grandchildren, even in problematic circumstances, can bring unexpected joy.

All those of us with sons may well be thinking "there but for fortune" Condoms can break, after all, however diligently they are used.
Fretting about mixed race is unnecessary I think. The president of the US is mixed race. Jessica Ennis is mixed race. Hasn't proved a problem to either of them has it?

This has happened to me very recently. My son was with his partner for two weeks when she got pregnant and when we found out we were devestated. I can honestly say that we never got excited about the baby but now she is here she is absolutely beautiful and our hearts melt everytime we see her. It is something you will recover from you just need to get over the shock and this takes time.

Excellent post Mishap. You've hit the nail on the head. I agree with everything you say but could not have expressed it so well. This is really good advice skylark. Good luck in the days ahead.

I thinkk you are feeling a bit sensitive at the moment.

Firstly do not blame your husband in any way or feel that he has failed you. Do not let it cast a shadow over your strong decades-long relationship. It sounds as though he knew that this would hit you hard and it was good of him to try and think about ways to discuss it with you that would reduce your hurt. He used a relative as a sounding-board as to how to do the right thing - that is fine.

Secondly, every child is a gift. I know this is a cliche, but it is true. When a GC arrives, under whatever circumstances, we love them and do all we can to help in their upbringing. If this boy proves to be your son's I am sure that you will be there for all of them.

Thirdly - do please stop blaming yourself and questioning how you brought your son up. I have to say that I think you have every reason to be proud of him in the way he is responding to this situation. He sounds as though he is a decent honest young man seeking to do the right thing. OK he has made a mistake - who of us can say that we made none in our youth? - but he is responding honourably and he is a credit to you.

Fourthly - young men get randy and being on holiday lowers the defences, especially if a bit of alcohol is involved. He is only human; and I am sure that he has learned his lesson and taking all steps to cover the STD concern.

Please stop beating yourself up!! - hold your head up high and give him all the support you can.

Skylark, don't hold it against him - men aren't always very good at handling emotional situations like this one. I speak from experience, but mine didn't last 30 years.

Thank you. I am trying hard, but feeling wrung out. My OH and I seem to have got over our blip yesterday, but I'm still hurt that he felt he had to ask his bro's advice on how to handle the news with me rather than wait till I knew. Doesn't say much for the trust we share after 30+ years, does it.

I'll run the idea of an email past DS, and if he's in agreement formulate something. I guess he's feeling pretty grim, but I'm pleased he's taking his responsibilities seriously - pending post-natal confirmation that he is in fact the father.

Thank you all again for good advice.

I agree with Iam64 about you not blaming yourself for the way you have brought up your son. He sounds like a very caring and responsible young man prepared to deal with the consequences of his actions. Be gentle with yourself and, as everyone is saying, take one thing at a time.

skylark a baby brings love with it.

I was 38 when I found out my 16yr old son and a girl (15) who he had gone out with months before for 2 weeks, that a baby was on its way. As you can imagine I was devastated, but my Granddaughter is now 19 and a huge part of our lives.
We were lucky her Mum was very good at allowing us to be part in DGD life, she came to us every weekend from been just a few months old, came on holiday with us etc. When I first heard I couldn't imagine that things would turn out the way they have with them both being so young, all I could see was the down side, but give it time and things will straighten out, your Grandchild is precious, just give things a chance, and be as supportive as you can.

I think the thing to remember that you are all on the same side - wanting the best for your new grandson. And prepare to fall headlong in love with him.

Skylark I do feel for you - I too was surprised when told about to become a grandma, and also knew 3 weeks after ex and his girlfriend because I was abroad. All has turned out well and everyone is very happy. Your circumstances are more difficult of course because of the overseas element and lack of a relationship.

But you do need to calm down and as your daughter says let it settle. All the extraneous business about you feeling too young, telling elderly parents etc is really not that important - I'm sure many of us felt we were too young! I was 52. And don't be worrying about mixed race, passport, schooling and all the other things that are swirling around in the your head - they're of no concern at this time.

As others have said I think you need to establish some sort of rapport with the mother to let her know that you are supportive - even if her English is not too good I'm sure she'd appreciate a short email from you.

I agree with Glamma don't say the wrong thing (i.e. your true feelings!) to either your son or the mother.

I hope your day at school isn't too bad - thank goodness it's Friday . And good luck.

I am glad you had a reasonable evening. Do agree with your daughter - time to let it settle because until you all know for sure you can't make any serious decisions. Hope you get through the day okay and have a better night tonight.

skylark - hope work is a good distractor and goes well today. It's good to see so many warm and supportive comments to you. Your are not alone in feeling shocked and saddened, rather than excited about the possibility of becoming a grandparent. Your family get together sounds to have been a very good start for all of you in beginning to accept where you are. There are lots of grandparents/step grandparents on this forum whose grandchildren arrived, or live, in circumstances the grandparents wouldn't have chosen for them. The only thing I'd add to what others have said, is stop blaming yourself and the way you brought your son up for what you (probably rightly) see as risk taking behaviour.