Gransnet forums


smoking again!

(20 Posts)
Hermia46 Mon 14-Oct-13 10:44:01

DH had open heart surgery twelve months ago, all a bit traumatic the result of 40 years of heavy smoking - stopped smoking day prior to op and I thought had not recommenced. Has been doing very well on niquitin tabs for 12 months and is way better, just discovered he has started smoking again. Not sure how long it has been going on for now but suspect for some weeks. Absolutely furious and angry, he took some nursing back to health, through the winter, lots of encouragement and positive support to recover and to keep off the fags. I had said that if he started again I would leave him because the bad temper and anger I had to put up with over last winter was unbelievable and I won't take responsibility for him if he is ill again. Gransnetters advice I smack him hard, leave it, ignore it.....any ideas gratefully received. angry

harrigran Mon 14-Oct-13 11:08:10

How disappointing for you and an insult to the Doctors who operated to try and make good the damage. When someone has managed for a year without the cigs you would think they could cope without them.

Eloethan Mon 14-Oct-13 11:13:27

I can quite understand why you are angry and upset, particularly since his illness resulted from heavy smoking, and you had to bear the brunt of his bad temper while he was ill.

Smokers, like any other addict, aren't rational in their decisions (and I'm speaking as someone who has been through the stop/start/stop/start routine many times). Although smoking actually speeds up the heart beat, many smokers experience smoking a cigarette as rewarding and calming.

It's really difficult to say how you should deal with it, but if you are really sick and tired of the whole situation and his under handedness then perhaps you should think of separating. If, on the other hand, you're mainly worried about him developing a 40 a day habit again, it might be better to pretend you haven't noticed. That would limit the amount he is able to smoke (assuming that he's at home most of the time), as he presumably has to sneak around outside the house in order to have a cigarette.

Charleygirl Mon 14-Oct-13 11:24:32

After what he (and you) have been through, one would think that he had learned a lesson the hard way but obviously not. The way that he is carrying on it is almost a death wish but he obviously does not see it like that.

I think that you should have a few (more) words with him but not in the heat of the moment, when you are calm and rational. Tell him what you went through last winter with his bad temper etc. and that you could not possibly face a repeat performance this year and he should not expect it. He should respect your feelings for a change.

I do not think that you could pretend that you had not noticed because if like me, it would eat away inside you and one day you would have a yelling match.

Good luck.

Jendurham Mon 14-Oct-13 11:34:03

Buy him an e-cigarette? Presumably you put up with his smoking for a good few of those 40 years.
My brother-in-law and his wife have taken to smoking e-cigarettes without any adverse effects.

vampirequeen Mon 14-Oct-13 11:36:38

I can understand why you're upset but it's so difficult to give up an addiction even after a scare.

Having said that I don't see how you can just ignore it. He'll have hidden it because he'll have known how it would upset you and he'll be feeling a failure too. Smokers know they shouldn't smoke but find it very difficult not to.

I finally managed to give up 25+ years ago but there are still times when I could kill for a smoke.

gillybob Mon 14-Oct-13 11:48:29

And here was me thinking that not smoking for 6 months meant my son had finally "cracked it". I can understand why you feel the way you do Hermia46. My son had a health scare about 6 months ago that frightened him into packing in. I would be furious if he started again although I can understand that it must be extremely difficult. I wonder what triggered him into starting again?

maxgran Mon 14-Oct-13 12:37:28

Its not easy to give up after 40 years. Apart from the addiction there is the 'habit' of having ciggies as part of your routine.
If your DH has been feeling better he may have fooled himself into believing that the odd one or two may be ok - and also to think that he gave up once when he had to - so he can do it again if need be.
Thats the sort of thing addicts tell themselves!

Try not to be angry with him because as I said - its not easy and he also has some fears too!
He needs encouragement and reassurance, but ultimately, its his choice.

glammanana Mon 14-Oct-13 12:45:03

After all the work put into your OHs health care and your work over the past 12mths I feel so sorry for you, does he not realise how he is damaging his health again and that he is lucky to have been given a second chance,how do people afford to buy cigarettes the price they are he must be paying £50.00a week to go up in smoke,strong words needed I'm affraid, does he still go for check ups? if he does can you not go with him and make sure the specialist is aware of the circumstances.

Gorki Mon 14-Oct-13 12:45:16

I don't know whether the NHS still give support. My sil was a heavy smoker until his twins were born 6 years ago. He got help from the NHS and has never looked back. They did say the treatment was expensive and he could only have it once :no second chance but fortunately it worked well for him .You would need to be sympathetic (a tall order after all you have been through) and investigate it together and he would have to be willing.

Jendurham Mon 14-Oct-13 12:49:27

My dad gave up after he had a stroke. He had started when he was 11, and continued until he was 75. So there is hope.

Iam64 Mon 14-Oct-13 13:11:22

What a shame, for him and for you. The difficulty in staying stopped, even years after stopping smoking can't be underestimated. Maybe an e cigarette would help? Good luck with this

Hermia46 Mon 14-Oct-13 13:28:32

Gransnetters - thank you, lovely advice....just as a p.s. he has just returned from our local hospital having had tests for a possible bowel problem and been told that he has an aortic aneurysm - small at the moment, but the consultant is going to refer him for six monthly check ups. Stopping smoking is a must now unless he wants to be very seriously ill or worse.

Fed up now

numberplease Mon 14-Oct-13 15:34:41

My husband gave up a 60 a day habit after nearly 50 years, 10 years ago, after a mini stroke. We`d nagged him for years about giving up, but he`d turn really nasty about it, but after the stroke our GP put the fear of God into him, and he stopped, just like that. He`s recently had 2 operations, one for an aortic aneurysm and the other for bowel cancer, and he was told that if he hadn`t given up smoking when he did, he wouldn`t still be alive today. So good luck, Hermia46, hope all goes well for you and your hubby.

Jendurham Mon 14-Oct-13 18:39:47

This might frighten him into giving up again Hermia.

Jendurham Mon 14-Oct-13 18:41:16

Wrong site.

Stansgran Mon 14-Oct-13 19:01:07

My DH gave up smoking about 8 years ago. He said that he has never lost the craving and that also heroin addicts are given more sympathy and understanding. Be kind.

Ana Mon 14-Oct-13 19:05:52

Nothing will 'frighten' a hardened smoker into giving up. I speak from experience!

absent Mon 14-Oct-13 19:16:32

If you have once been a smoker you will never be a non-smoker, only an ex-smoker. My husband, quite a heavy smoker from a young age, gave up smoking following a stroke about six years ago. I, a very heavy smoker from a young age, gave up smoking two years ago because I wanted to. Both of us get the occasional desire for a cigarette, Mr absent more than me, but don't have real cravings. However, we are both aware that if we hit a real crisis, we might be tempted turn to cigarettes for comfort. I have a friend whose mother hadn't smoked for nearly ten years and following a a ghastly even was offered a cigarette, took it and went straight back to a 60-a-day habit.

Nagging and being threatening – if you don' stop smoking I'll leave you – won't work and will merely cause resentment. Besides, do you really mean that? Horror stories about the results of smoking won't work either even though there has already been smoke-related illness. Quite a lot of the time people don't believe in their own mortality. Calm and loving discussion might work. An E-cigarette, which is tar-free, could help.

Deedaa Mon 14-Oct-13 22:26:38

Hermia46 It was an aortic aneurism that killed my chain smoking father. He always assured my mother there was no need for him to stop. She realised afterwards that the doctor would obviously have told him to stop but he wouldn't admit it. She always said that if he survived and then started smoking again she would leave him. In the end he had a pulmonary embolism the day after leaving hospital so the question never arose, but I'm sure he would have kept smoking and I don't think she could ever have left him.