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(10 Posts)
Ascot12 Fri 25-Oct-13 09:35:02

my daughter and grandsons have come to live with us for a few months while their father is away she is not very good at discipline and the older boy 3 knows it (i think she left to their dad) and i have stepped in when trantrums have occured at the diner table, although not at other times. I feel awful doing this as I want to be nan but having a screaming child every meal is not nice for everyone else am i right to step in?

Eloethan Fri 25-Oct-13 11:58:36

This is a very difficult situation and if my daughter were not stepping in to deal with a tantrum at the dinner table, I think I would probably do the same as you. I'm not sure if it is the "right" thing or not - other gransnetters may disagree.

I think I might try to to have a quiet, non-judgmental, conversation with my daughter. Perhaps the children are missing their dad or are taking advantage of the fact that their mum is unlikely to check disruptive behaviour. In my view, it is not a good idea for one parent - whether mother or father - to be the "bad guy" when children are misbehaving and it seems you are being put in the position of taking on that role in place of the father. You might mention to your daughter that you feel uncomfortable about this but I do understand that it's tricky because you don't want to create an unpleasant atmosphere while they're staying with you.

Anne58 Fri 25-Oct-13 12:03:56

Hello Ascot12 I think you'll find that this dilemma has come up frequently (well, quite often) on GN.

If I remember rightly there was a lot of support for the "my house, my rules" approach.

Good luck!

petra Fri 25-Oct-13 12:30:40

I discipline my GC all the time. I don't know if it makes a difference that I am very much part of their lives, I see them most days of the week. So much so that they sometimes call me Mum.
My DD doesn't have a problem with me or anyone telling her children off if they are rude of behaving badly.

wisewoman Fri 25-Oct-13 13:57:56

Especially if they are going to be with you for some time the "my house, my rules" seems the most appropriate response. I think children totally understand that and won't think badly of you. Probably when things have changed in their lives it helps to know "the rules" - makes for happier more secure children. It is just hard work!! flowers

Lyndysim Fri 25-Oct-13 16:46:25

I totally agree with the comments. I regularly have my grandson to stay for the weekend. He is told that I am the boss of the house and clearly what my rules are! He does adhere to them and we still have plenty of fun! They are the same set of rules with which I brought my children up on.
Granny rules!!!

Humbertbear Fri 25-Oct-13 17:51:09

We expect our grand-children to behave as our children did. Fortunately they are disciplined at home so we don't have too many problems. I always remember when my children were little and we visited my mother in law and without saying anything she indicated that my children were not behaving as she would like at the dinner table. Following that experience I made sure they always behaved properly and it always stood them in good stead.
In this day and age where so many of us are actively involved in regular caring duties we can't be expected to keep quiet.

Nelliemoser Fri 25-Oct-13 18:20:11

Ascot12 It,s really no good leaving discipline to one parent. If as a parent you have to say wait until your father gets home, you have lost all authority. I hope you can give your DD some clues to maintain discipline Mum's really need to understand that its not mean to kids to set rules and standards of basic good manners as young as possible. It it does need you and your daughter to both to agree on the basics of good behaviour and what sort of thing is not acceptable.

ffinnochio Fri 25-Oct-13 18:50:19

I was pleased with the trust my son and daughter-in-law placed in me when I visited them this summer. I hadn't seen the grandchildren for over a year, and was a little apprehensive, but they said right at the beginning, "remember, mum, you're in charge." Meaning I was another adult to be listened to by the children where discipline was concerned. I valued that.

Judthepud2 Fri 25-Oct-13 18:58:30

I do so agree with you Nelliemoser! Consistency of behaviour and values is so important and I think when the grandchildren are living with you you should be involved in the disciplining, Ascot12. It is easier if it is your DD rather than DIL!

We have a lot of contact with 2 oldest GSs and so have to implement some discipline when they are with us. We set boundaries and they have learnt to accept them. We have a special relationship with them and get a lot of love back.

I must add that DH and I have never used any form of physical punishment with any of our 5 GCs nor would we ever.