Am i wrong to support my daughter.

Hard one, tegan from what you say, he could be a lot worse, but clearly wants more time and space commitment than you are prepared to give and is pushing you into a corner where he may just push you too far. IThe sensible thing would be a rational tlak about it but I don;llt think that is an easy option. He wont want to know, or if he does he will take it as a 100% "I want to be alone" - some men (including DH) have a habit of interpreting things as 500% as in "Shall I just leave/move into the spare room then?" when all I have asked for is perhaps a little more duvet. Any chance of establishing "your" days/nights?

I've just had the children and their mum sleep over [gone home now] but sensed an atmosphere with the S.O. today due to the fact that they may have stayed tonight as well if the work on their house wasn't finished. Even my daughter said she sensed something when she picked one of the children up from here after school. I did ask to have the house to myself as it's chaos here even after just one sleepover but it's been ignored. He said he'd bought all of his stuff anyway [but I had said that the whole family might be staying for another night; wouldn't have known what was hapening till late this afternoon]. It's things like this that give me a 'rabbit in the headlights' sort of feeling [that's why I'm upstairs in the pooter room]. Just wanted a bit of a whinge [sorry!]. By the way, he's getting a pooter soon so I may change my user name in the near future. He's a really nice bloke in every other way and I feel a bit bad about moaning but I needed to let off steam. [I know I need to be more assertive ].

Dear Suzy I will try and help as I have had a similar situation

When it comes to kids you do really have to be careful not to do too much why because then they become dependant on you AND unable to deal with life alone which I dont have to tell you is a bad thing--whats more it all depends on the character of the child but some children DO take advantage of a parents caring nature, I have learnt this first hand myself.

My advise--obviously be loving and caring towards your daughter BUT be very aware that she does not take advantage of your good nature

Just have a little think then make your decisions

best of luck with it

I don't think you will ever regret looking after your grandchildren and helping your daughter, but I do think you could come to regret listening to a selfish man who wants you to dance to his tune. Your family have been your family all their lives, of course you are going to put them first. If he took any interest in his own family you would expect him to put them first. If he wants to stay with you he should start behaving like a grown up.

He sounds worryingly controlling to me. The one thing I will say, though is that sometimes it's the S.O. that points out to me that my children have their own lives to lead and so do I. It's just that the life I'm 'supposed' to be leading generally involves him.

Really Suzy, let him get on with it! Life is full of ups and downs, and he should be supporting you through this unpleasant period. There will be better times, when you'll be free again, but for now you're needed by your daughter, and you have no choice! Go girl!

thankyou for your comments

Hi suzy I hope you and your daughter & children had a nice Christmas,it's a sorry state of affairs when your OH still seems to be jealous of your DD,sounds like a spoilt child packing up his toys and going back home again if you ask me ? and you should not be affraid of telling him your DD is visiting it's your home not his,I do think you need to speak to him and tell him your family will always come first but by the sounds of things this man will have trouble accepting this.
Don't feel down just dust yourself off and join us on here for a while and chat about all manner of things which may interest you.

suzy, try to follow your instincts. You shouldn't have to worry about OH coming round to your house when your daughter's there. Perhaps it will always be like this - and he'll never, ever accept the fact that your daughter was there before he was. She needs you and you're a very good mother and grandmother. You are not his mother.

Hi to all who replied to my post of late. Well i thought things were not to bad between me and my other half ,but i was wrong! I have tried to be there for him as well, but the odd sarcastic remark comes out, like she should just have to get on with things like we had to, when we had our children. And this weekend i did not like to say that my daughter was over here for the day so when he came round for the weekend, after a ,little while he decided to go home and he has texted me to say he has written me a letter, and i now await a letter from him probally to tell me that i have been neglecting him! I wish i could cut my self in two and be the perfect girlfriend and supernan but it is so hard. I know that he wants someone to go abroad with for a few weeks,
go away weekends, like a lot of retired people do. But i am so torn. Dont get me wrong it is hard sometimes looking after my grandchildren, but i want to be there for them. Maybe my role is just to be a nannie . Am feeling a bit down today.

You never stop being a mother. When I started seeiing my (now) husband over 20 years ago my son was only 11. I made it clear that my son would come first and if that wasn,t acceptable then we had no future. He fully understood and accepted us as a package. Today he is a loving dad and grandad and is more than ready to offer any help they might need. In fact he is softer than I am if they need us. I realise I was very lucky to have found him and my son has always appreciated him too. Your daughter needs you just now - don't make that harder by feeling guilty.

You are doing a great job being a loving mother and grandmother.Wishing you and yours an enjoyable Christmas and peaceful new year.

Sounds to me like your daughter is doing all she can to stand on her own feet and appreciates what you are doing for her and the children. Your So sounds rather selfish and childishly jealous. I wish you well for the future.

Things like that happen for a better good don't worry the reason they got seperated was because they had problems in their life to cope, But let bygones be bygones ,and i think your daughter is coping with it quite well , Now what you need to do is make a better future for your grand children by giving them the right education, and upbringing them very well in their life so that they could have a bright future.

Suzy you are a supergran. Keep going with the support you are giving your daughter. Ignore comments by your partner, he sounds selfish.
Your grandchildren will appreciate your efforts and its so nice that you have a loving relationship with your daughter. That in itself is a very precious thing. It will take a while for her to get over all the trauma and find her feet, until then you are her safety net. Well done.

You ARE doing the right thing by your daughter, definitely.

I know my partner also feels I support DD2 too much as she is mentally fragile and needy but at least all I need to do (from the distance of Paris to London) is talk, email and text her. God forbid she should ever be in the position of your daughter then my partner would just have to lump it.

If your partner feels hard done by then he is being a selfish wotsit. Perhaps, if you haven't already done so, tell him that this situation will not last for ever and could he please be a little more understanding and patient until it is resolved.

Good luck

Suzy, I'm surprised that after 8 years your live-out partner still doesn't seem to be part of your family. My DGC's other grandma has a live out partner and he is completely integrated into her life, grandchildren and all. He is included in all the family gatherings and treats DGC almost as if they were his own GC, which he also has.

As the other grandma lives close to DS and family she is the 'on call' grandma (we live 200 miles away). If she needs to respond to an emergency and he is with her, he will just turn up with her.

You daughter and her children at a time like this, come first and will need your support for some time.

Suzy
Your daughter and grand children are going through a terrible time but with your help and support they will move on to a better future.
If you can't be there for the most important people in your life when can you be there.
You are doing what most loving mothers would do without question.

This is my personal opinion but if this guy in your life cannot support you in this without having a jealous paddy like a spoilt child I would tell him to take a long jump off a short plant.

Hi suzy, I agree with everyone here and if nothing else you have now seen the true nature of your partner without having the added problem of him living with you.
He seems very cold and selfish to me. At a time like this he should be helping and supporting you, your daughter and your grandchildren. You sound a lovely caring person I think this man should be thanking his lucky stars that he has you in his life but perhaps it's time for you to decide whether he has had too much of your time.
for you and for your daughter

Well said Faye

I too have had this jealousy from a male I had been seeing for nine months (he didn't live with me) over my then 17 year old. I told him "my daughter will always be my daughter, you and I might only last another week."

I then realised I didn't want someone in my life who was jealous of my child. My daughter and I are still very close.

Suzy that man is telling you how uncaring and selfish he is by his uncaring attitude regarding your daughter and by the way he treats his own family. Believe what he says, because you couldn't rely on him if you needed support.

Suzy, I also agree with all the comments. In the past, I've had to be strong about some issues regarding the things I do for family. DH isn't very sympathetic as to their needs, and feels that they should be left to get on with it - whatever 'it' might be. I decide what to do. I don't discuss anything, but just get on with whatever's needed, and that's that. If your partner can't understand your own needs (and they are your needs as well, helping your family out - how on earth could you cope with seeing your DD struggling after all that trauma?) then let HIM get on with it, too!

Hi Suzy I agree with all the comments already made. I came on to this site and spend a lot of time on 'cut out of their lives 2' because my hubby and I have not seen our 22 month old gs since he was 8 months old, even though our S lives a 2 minute walk down the road.

What a terrible shame that not only does your partner not support what you are doing for your D and gc, but chooses not to be involved with his own gc. My hubby and I would give anything to be able to spend time with our gs.

for you and your brave D.

Suzy This man sounds so selfish to me and something I would not put up with he seems to have so much to say about the situation which is not really any of his business,he doesn't live with you and has no right to comment on your actions with regard to your DD and DGCs.
You are doing a great job with your DD and she needs you at such a bad time I have been through this with my DD and it is only now after nearly 3 yrs that my DD is back on track your DD needs you much more than you need this selfish man. for you x

Thank you all so much for your comments, it helps!