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Am i wrong to support my daughter.

(77 Posts)
suzy Fri 08-Nov-13 18:26:53

Six months ago my daughter split up with her husband after a violent incident for which he was prosecuted. My two grandchildren were one and five years old.I look after the one year old for two days a week while she works. She has coped well but it has been hard as she had to flee the house for a few weeks untill she got him out. Had only just started a new job, had to take over the morgage without any money from her husband. And try and live as normal a life for her 5 year old. The youngest has yet to sleep through the night! She has also had to cope with legal matters regarding the house and his court case. She only has me to be ther for her, which i am very happy to do.My 5 year old grandson misses his dad and i do lots of things with him. But my partner of 8 years who i dont live with says she is being selfish for wanting me to help out so much and should learn to stand on her own two feet. I try to spend as much time with him but its hard splitting my time. He has grandchildren but has never been hands on with them. I have always done a lot with my other grandchildren. I just dont know how to handle it.
Any advise please would be welcome.

RosalindMinett Fri 08-Nov-13 18:34:08

Unfortunately, men are often selfish. Of course your partner does not want you waltzing off to help others. He is the one who needs your full and individed attention (in his eyes). You will put your daughter and grandchildren first. You probably won't be thanked and your partner will get fed up. That's life, but in the end you'll know your choices were right. Meantime, you have little ones in need and a daughter who is doing her best to keep everything going. Good for her, and you.

suzy Fri 08-Nov-13 18:41:49

Thank you for that advice, my daughter does appreciate everthing i do for her. Yes sometimes i must admit i find it hard being supergran, but when i see my two grandsons so excited to see me its all worth it.

grannyactivist Fri 08-Nov-13 18:49:20

suzy your daughter, for legitimate reasons outside of her control, really needs you right now. It seems to me that after a very traumatic time she is learning to stand on her own two feet, but needs a little help along the way. I'm afraid I think your partner's response is lacking in simple kindness - I believe he should be supporting you whilst you help out your daughter; as my husband did for me when our daughter needed me (after her baby was born followed by other difficult circumstances).

Tegan Fri 08-Nov-13 18:51:50

Can only agree with what Rosalind has said, suzy. I suppose you have to think of the future and a time when, hopefully, your daughter won't need so much help and you need to still have a life of your own but at this moment in time your daughter and her children are your main priority and he must understand that. Hope things get better for you eventually.

Riverwalk Fri 08-Nov-13 18:57:05

Your daughter is only six months down the line from a very traumatic experience, plus the pressure of a new job, two young children and added financial responsibilities .... your partner needs to show some compassion and understanding.

I've no advice on how to handle the situation with your partner, as I'd be inclined to tell him to take a running jump - you can hope that he sees how selfish he's being!

Tegan Fri 08-Nov-13 19:11:55

I often get a 'rolling of the eyes' from the S.O. at the things I do to help my children. This is from someone who still gets help from his mother and who drops everything when his son needs any sort of help [I'm feeling a bit prickly about it tonight, as you can see]. It's good to let off steam here, as have to bite my tongue sometimes [feel better for that; we need a 'let off steam' emoticom I think].

annodomini Fri 08-Nov-13 19:12:57

You are enabling your DD to eventually stand on her own feet. Your partner is wrong and you are a good mum and gran.

Rowantree Fri 08-Nov-13 19:15:17

Gosh, suzy, what a difficult situation. In your position, I'd do exactly what you're doing and help my daughter out as much as possible. She is being far from selfish. She has done the bravest thing possible in leaving a violent relationship for her children's and her own sake. She deserves nothing but support to help her establish a new life for herself and her children. I am sure that she wouldn't want you to help her out indefinitely, and that this is temporary. She needs emotional support and to know you are there and it must be frightening and difficult for her and the children. I am amazed that your partner thinks she's being selfish. You are doing what any loving mum would do. I wonder if she has other forms of support? Has she access to legal aid, and has she tried the Citizens Advice Bureau who could give her advice and help with practical matters? Also it would be worth her contacting a women's support group locally (maybe a women's refuge) because even if she doesn't need to live in a refuge, they would be a good support network. She would also need counselling, and her GP might be a good first step here. That way, she has several possibilities for additional support. She will want ultimately to support herself but nobody would expect her to go through this by herself. Stick to your guns, suzy - it might be time to be very firm with your partner. Good luck!

Iam64 Fri 08-Nov-13 19:22:09

Suzy, having read the supportive and sensible comments above, I can only say I agree with them. Your daughter and grandchildren need the stability and comfort a loving gran/mum can provide. You clearly love them, and they love you. I don't want to overstate anything here, but in the end, love is what matters to us all. I feel for you, with a partner who doesn't seem to be able to empathise with the situation you and your loved ones find yourselves in.

suzy Fri 08-Nov-13 19:31:11

Yes Rowantree i think she could do with counselling eventually. As for legal aid that was messed up by the soliciters and she decided to cut loose and pay what was owing!. She has been awarded 1000 pounds from the court as compensation but doubt if she will get it as her husband has moved away and not working. I get so angry over what has happened and angry that my partner does not understand. But its not his daughter or grandchildren so he is not emotionally involved. I am not not very good at expressing my views and yesterday evening just kept on sticking my fingers up at him behind his back! Childish i know, but it made me feel better!

Agus Fri 08-Nov-13 19:44:29

As if you could leave your daughter to cope alone going through something like this. She didn't chose to be in this situation. It might be of help to your daughter if she got in touch with Women's Aid who are very supportive and will give her good advice.

tiggypiro Fri 08-Nov-13 19:45:26

Suzy ... if your OH thinks he is in a competition with your daughter and her family, and you are the prize, then he has to be the loser. You sound an amazing mum and granny and it is now up to him to step up to the mark and start supporting you.

Rowantree Fri 08-Nov-13 20:04:21

Totally agree with tiggypiro (and everyone else). Tell him to support you or do one!

gracesmum Fri 08-Nov-13 20:16:46

I see this sort of thing so often where a "new" partner is jealous of the support a mother gives her children, A man must realise that one's children - of whatever age- come as part of the package. I have a friend in her 70's whose (second) husband is totally unsympathetic to the moral and practical support my friend gives her daughter who has quite serious problems. It doesn't make life any easier and some men are plain selfish You are being torn in different directions and I know exactly where my sympathies would lie. He has only been in your life for 8 years - you gave her life and will always be her mum. I am not saying anybody has to be a martyr and "sacrifice" their happiness, but how happy are you with a man who always wants to come first ahead of your child and grandchildren? He may not have the emotional involvement you have, but if he loves you, he will recognise that they are part of you. It may be that you are seeing his true character.

petra Fri 08-Nov-13 20:25:42

I have to be personnel here, Suzy. Do you love this man. I ask because I'm finding it difficult to understand how you could when he sounds like a selfish pig.
It's beyond me how any human being man or woman could not be 100% behind a woman like your DD who has suffered so much.

Sorry to lead off a bit, but domestic violence brings out the worst in me.

Agus Fri 08-Nov-13 20:29:55

Don't know if this would be something your daughter would be interested in but, there are a lot of young women over on Mumsnet, some going through similar situations who get wonderful support and advice. She wouldn't have to join, just read some relevant threads which can be a support in themselves.

Any man worth his salt would be supporting both of you and the children.

suzy Fri 08-Nov-13 21:10:23

I do wonder Petra if i do sometimes,, as we dont share the same values. When i see what his brother does for his children and grandchildren,involved in thier lives going on holidays together,he has never done that.

Eloethan Fri 08-Nov-13 21:51:20

Although you've been with your partner eight years, you're not living together so really I feel you are, to a large extent, a free agent.

It is perfectly natural for you to want to help your daughter as much as you can when she is having such a difficult time.

I don't know your partner, but, from what you say, he does seem very self-absorbed. Only you can know whether that is a fair assessment and whether you should just ignore his childishness or call it a day - do you really need the hassle?

Hannoona Fri 08-Nov-13 22:05:32

You sound like a lovely mum.

You know what's important.

Dont let anyone tell you you're not getting it right.

Aka Fri 08-Nov-13 22:30:05

There seems to be a general consensus that your daughter needs you just now. Of course you are doing the right thing in lending her support to get though this difficult time. Is your partner seriously suggesting you leave her to struggle through on her own with two young ones?

Not only are you doing the right thing but he should actually be there to support you. Selfish git!

skate Fri 08-Nov-13 23:12:37

Suzy, you sound like a wonderful mum and I have to say I wonder what on earth you are doing with this selfish man. You deserve better. A partner who doesn't support you isn't worth hanging on to. It's stressful enough doing all you do for your daughter and grandchildren without having to split yourself in two trying to find time for somebody so unsupportive. Why bother? I am sure it's hard after eight years - but he needs to be dumped! Easy for me to say, I do appreciate that, but I have a feeling that if you did, you would find a huge weight lifting off your shoulders. All the best to you.

kittylester Sat 09-Nov-13 07:02:34

Loads of good advice on here Suzy and all going in one direction. I can't add anything so I will just wish all of you happy times ahead. flowers

Lona Sat 09-Nov-13 07:36:14

You are doing the right thing suzy, how would you feel if you stepped back and did nothing?
I've experienced this sort of male reaction/jealousy, to my family, and I got rid of him.
I can tell you it was much easier without the selfish moaning!

You sound like a wonderful mum and gran, good luck to you and your plucky daughter.

liminetta Sat 09-Nov-13 08:57:53

I think you must carry on doing for your daughter and the grandchildren, who need a constant support in their lives at this time.Obviously, you are an excellent tower of strength to them, so don't be deterred from the mission.
12 years ago, we were in the same situation, plus my aged mother, and eldest son who had returned home for 6 weeks, he requested ( and stayed 2 years!)
Luckily,my husband (second husband) was great.We were lucky to have him and he helped immensely.He is a kind and caring man.
Now, after all these years, I look back with immense satisfaction and love for those times,and although it was hard at times, we all survived.
So, good luck and carry on!smile.