To consider not telling the grandparents?

You can choose you friends but not your family (the old adage) seems very appropriate here. I would not let the woman near my child. I am sorry if this upsets people but what a harridan. Genetic heritage or not she has not right at all to impose her spitefulness and negative ways - especially on a new mum. I am shocked. I have never and would never criticise my children on the way they bring up their children. I adore my grandchildren and would, as someone else said, lay down my life for them but I would not ever criticise unless, of course, the children were in danger, moral or otherwise.

I had exactly the same problem when I was a young mum with his parents laying down the law very forcibly and trying to take over. We cut the ties with DH's parents when DD1 was about 6months old and had no contact with them despite the birth of DD2 as MiL refused to back down - she could never have been in the wrong. And my husband was just as stubborn. (My mother was in touch with MiL so she knew what was happening.) However after the birth of DS1 I persuaded DH to approach his mother and we established a new and very successful relationship. But it took three years of no contact. Not a good time.

I don't think you should send a Christmas card without your husband's agreement. You must be together on this and your little family comes first. Hopefully some agreement can be achieved after the birth of your new baby.

Good luck.

I'm afraid I couldn't agree with you less nanban but you are entitled to your opinion. I won't be following your advice though!

My husband has decided not to send a christmas card, he feels they may see it as an olive branch, which it wouldn't be, so we won't be sending one. He is concerned that they would turn up, which would knowing their characters, would almost certainly result in confrontation and upset. There are hardly any big/special occasions in our lives together that haven't been overshadowed by stress because of my MIL and we are so looking forward to thus christmas we simply don't want to risk it being ruined.

Of course, they may turn up whether we send a card or not, but we can hardly complain about it if we've been seen to open the door with a card.

Also, they may just be trying to get on with their lives and there's a chance that sending a card could be like rubbing salt in the wounds.

Thank you all for your advice as always!

I can usually see that there's 'another side to the story' in cases like this but, in this instance I can't. She really doesn't deserve you for a DIL .