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Would you feel the same?

(42 Posts)
KatyK Tue 03-Dec-13 19:32:55

My son-in-law may have to be in another country over Christmas meaning my DD and GD would be on their own over Christmas. I have just asked if they would like to come to us or for us to come to them or are happy to stay on their own on Christmas Day. They always have their Christmas Day with just the 3 of them. She said they may go out for Christmas day lunch with sil's family. I am shocked and hurt. They have not treated her well in the past and she has always made it clear to me that she doesn't think much of them. Would you feel the same or is it me? My original thread on GN was in relation to how she never includes me in things, but her friends' mothers are always included. I am beginning to think I have done something very wrong. Sorry if this sounds self-pityng.

KatyK Thu 05-Dec-13 15:41:33

We usually have my sister and her family round too, I put on a bit of a spread so there will be something for all. Thanks for the thoughts.

JessM Thu 05-Dec-13 15:36:05

Yes I should concentrate on having a lovely boxing day if i was in your shoes I think, (and sod xmas day). Its just another day, with even worse telly than usual and the shops closed. Ask them what their favourite food is - do they want the xmas trimmings or is there something else they would rather have?

KatyK Thu 05-Dec-13 15:31:04

Thank you

Elegran Thu 05-Dec-13 15:23:47

I hope you enjoy your Boxing Day, then.

KatyK Thu 05-Dec-13 15:06:46

Elegran - Not I'm not offended in the least. I can see your point of view. My granddaughter's other grandmother sees her every day as she takes her to and from school (there is no direct bus route). We see her less often. My sil is very close to his parents and makes sure that they never miss out with DGD.

Elegran Thu 05-Dec-13 15:01:08

KatyK I hope you are not offended by this, BUT your daughter and her family have come to you every Boxing Day and they have spent Christmas Day in their own home. They have not spent either Christmas or Boxing Day at SinL parents.

While that was happening, how did the other grandparents feel? You are upset because you will see them one of the days this year, but not the other. Did you wonder how upset the others have been previous years at not seeing them at all over the festivities?

OK, so DD has moaned about them in the past, but they have as much right as you do to see their grandchildren. We have heard so often on this forum how grandparents never ever see their sons family. If your daughter does not take her inlaws up on this Christmas Day offer, she will be contributing to depriving another pair of grandparents of some of their grandchildren's company.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 16:37:44

Lucy that's awful ! Aren't weddings fun? I have just seen your latest post. I think it is just that, thoughtlessness. It is very much a me, me generation. Maybe I was the same. In fact I'm sure I was!

lucyinthesky Wed 04-Dec-13 16:23:22

Yes my DD said she loved me when I last saw her (we were in the middle of Sainsburys at the time, where I was driving her to do a large shop as neither she nor sil drive) but having said that why are they so thoughtless? I have just posted my own Xmas story and am really annoyed by what DD is planning for Xmas Eve

But katyK your husband is right - your daughter knows that she always sees you on Boxing Day so this year would not seem different to her apart from the fact that her husband is away. And it is a good thing that she has forgiven her inlaws for what happened on her wedding day. I haven't entirely forgiven DD's inlaws for THEIR behaviour on said wedding day when one of their family guests threatened to take my husband outside and 'knock his xxxxing block off!' They have never apologised for it!

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 16:10:53

That's lovely Aka

Aka Wed 04-Dec-13 16:10:06

Hey Katy I'd hang on to the 'best mother in the world' comment and remember those words. I have an old mug which says 'Mum I love you loads' the words are slowly fading but I'll never forget when I was given it by DD and she said 'I do, you know' .....

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 16:06:33

Thank you everyone. I have just had a heart to heart with DH who is the voice of reason (as are you ladies). He said she has come to us every Boxing Day for a lot of years and not gone to her in-laws at all over Xmas, so we are lucky. I'm going to try to go with the flow and stop thinking things are being done to 'get at me' (low self esteem is a major problem for me) Thanks again you are all lovely.

Nonu Wed 04-Dec-13 15:27:23

Sadly , there is an old, old saying

When they are little they make your arms ache .
When they are big they make your heart ache .

I feel for you Katy.

annodomini Wed 04-Dec-13 15:19:32

How does your GD get on with her other GPs? Perhaps she had a say in the matter.

Kiora Wed 04-Dec-13 15:17:33

Daughters, husbands what can you do ! but we understand xx

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 15:13:12

Yes Kiora - a good bawl would do us good! MY DH's response to all this is 'leave her alone, it's her life'. And I can see the logic, that she's coming to us on Boxing Day (evening) but I assumed (probably wrongly) that if sil was ever away on Christmas Day that she would come to us. Like I said, there have been several occasions in the past when she has left us out of stuff - I think this has just put the tin hat on it so to speak. She tells me I'm the best mother in the world. (I would hate to see how I was treated if she thought I was the worst). confused Thanks everyone. I'll shut up about it now.

Kiora Wed 04-Dec-13 15:02:39

Oh Katy I wish we could meet up and have a good old proper bawling cry. Like i'v said our adult children really know how to hurt us. I suspect they don't mean it and would be mortified if they really knew. Just a little thought if your girl is a bit of a people pleaser perhaps she feels she needs to keep her in-laws happy. Our children often cause us pain because on an unconscious level they know that whatever, we will forgive them, and open our arms ready to comfort in times of need. :0(

Lona Wed 04-Dec-13 14:57:57

Yes, I agree with Aka, she probably thought "well, I'm at mum's on BD, so I might as well go there on CD."

Aka Wed 04-Dec-13 14:52:15

I think that explains your daughter's choice.....she knew she was going to your house on Boxing Day.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 14:43:44

Ninny - yes that's what I have to do. I just can't get my head round the fact that she has chosen to spend the day with her in-laws, who she professes not to like much, when her husband isn't even in the country. Oh well, I need to get over it confused

ninny Wed 04-Dec-13 14:31:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would feel the same, but I think you will just have to accept that she is going there and be happy that she is with you on Boxing Day and make the most of it.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 14:27:00

Yes they will be here on Boxing Day, they always come. Now you are probably thinking, what is she moaning about then? But Christmas Day is special and I would have loved to have cooked for them just once. I think I am being unreasonable.

ninny Wed 04-Dec-13 14:14:39

Why don't you invite her for Boxing Day, just say we would love to see you. Worse case scenario she says no. If she says no invite her to come on another day, say you miss her.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 13:44:12

Thank you all - Harrigran she is not staying at home, she is going out with her in-laws but you are right, jealousy is not attractive. Lucy and Aka thanks
for your words. You can't make people think like you do, I've learned that smile. Just hurtful that the first Christmas her husband is away she chooses to be with his family who totally ruined her wedding day by sulking and not speaking to anyone. She has obviously forgiven them, which is good of her. Thanks again for your sensible words all.

Aka Wed 04-Dec-13 12:47:39

Katy are you feeling less hurt today? As Lucy said we nearly all experience these intense emotions from time to time and for similar reasons. It's good to have somewhere like GN to talk them through and find it's not just you.
Good advice to find out when your DD and family CAN visit you over Christmas.

harrigran Wed 04-Dec-13 12:03:26

I am sorry to sound negative KatyK, if your DD always has Christmas at home why should it be any different this year ? You obviously have a good relationship with your family so enjoy the time you do have with them.
Life is too short to hold grudges and feel jealous of other family members.