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Would you feel the same?

(41 Posts)
KatyK Tue 03-Dec-13 19:32:55

My son-in-law may have to be in another country over Christmas meaning my DD and GD would be on their own over Christmas. I have just asked if they would like to come to us or for us to come to them or are happy to stay on their own on Christmas Day. They always have their Christmas Day with just the 3 of them. She said they may go out for Christmas day lunch with sil's family. I am shocked and hurt. They have not treated her well in the past and she has always made it clear to me that she doesn't think much of them. Would you feel the same or is it me? My original thread on GN was in relation to how she never includes me in things, but her friends' mothers are always included. I am beginning to think I have done something very wrong. Sorry if this sounds self-pityng.

Nonu Tue 03-Dec-13 19:39:39

I think I also would feel hurt KATY .
a X to you.

Kiora Tue 03-Dec-13 20:18:04

I would feel hurt Katy. I have been hurt like this so please be assured that your feelings are very normal. Unfortunately you will probably just have to swallow the hurt. I wouldn't say anything to her now in the run up to Christmas but perhaps at some point in the future, on a shopping trip you could gently say " I wish we were closer" but you know her best the last thing you want is any bad feeling. Sometimes it's just best to let sleeping dogs lie and be grateful for the times you do spend together. I hope someone here has a better suggestion. Adult children can really make us feel shitty at times they probably don't mean to but they so DO!

petra Tue 03-Dec-13 20:20:14

I remember that post. Have you always had this difficult relationship with your DD. Have you no idea why your DD doesn't want to spend time with you? Are your views / lifestyle so different to hers?
I know I would look to myself and be honest. That's not to say that you wrong or she is right.

rosesarered Tue 03-Dec-13 20:30:01

I would also feel hurt Katy, but only you know the reasons [if you do know?] why she would treat you this way.I have a friend who is always very negative, and her daughter doesn't want to go anywhere with her [for that reason] or maybe things have been a bit combatitive between you in the past?Does she not get on with your husband?Does she like your cooking? Do you and your GDS get on well?You say they always spend Christmas Day on their own, do you know why that is?There must be an answer, either that you 'think' may be the reason, or you suspect?If not,
try and do what Kiora suggests, and all next year, try and get closer, through shopping trips etc.Do you have pets that DD and DSIL don't like?
Trying to think of an answer, and in the end, maybe they just like their own company on Christmas Day, and DD fancies a meal out?Try not to feel too down about

Elegran Tue 03-Dec-13 20:39:31

Perhaps they had already invited her, and she does not want to turn down what may be an olive branch? She may feel that her inlaws now are expecting her and GD to be there (or more than half expecting them if she has ben a little vague) and to now say that they will not be there but are going to you would be rejecting them?

She has a balancing act to do between her family and her inlaws, and that is not easy.

Don't be reproachful with her. That will not help, even if she changed her plans to come to you it would feel as though she was obliged to, and that is not a good feeling.

Have you suggested an alternative date if she cannot be at yours for Christmas? It can be as much fun as Christmas, but without all the over-high expectations.

KatyK Tue 03-Dec-13 20:46:03

I'll try to answer some of the above. They spend Christmas Day on their own, that's what they like to do, just the 3 of them. We pop over in the morning to say hello and the rest of the day they like to themselves, which is absolutely fine, they are a family the 3 of them. She gets on very well with my DH (her dad). We don't have pets. My DD and I used to be very close (or at least I thought we were) doing loads of stuff together, it suddenly stopped when she
became friendly with the friend I mentioned in my original post. (I am fully aware that that comes over as jealousy). I have tried to get our closeness back. Every time I suggest a shopping trip or something, she has something to do. No we have never been combatative. And yes, I have looked myself. I have had some bad stuff happen in the last few years and have probably been a pain in the doo-dahs but aren't families supposed to support each other through difficult times? I get on very well with my sil. He has given her some troubling times but we have always supported both of them. No I won't be saying anything to her. At the end of the day, it's her life but I can't help feeling upset. Thanks all.

Eloethan Tue 03-Dec-13 22:55:04

I would feel upset too. As it seems you had always been very close until relatively recently, perhaps she's been fairly family-orientated and is now trying to widen her circle and spread her wings - like going through that "anti-parent" teenage stage later in life.

I think you're right not to say anything at the moment. But perhaps you could ask her another time if there's something you've done to upset her (since you did say in your OP that you wondered about this).

My daughter lives quite near but I don't see her very often. Although we spent a lot of time together when my grandson was younger, now, even though we still get on wel, she is much closer to her friends than she is to me and the rest of the family. I'm afraid it's just one of those things and there's not a lot to be done about it.

penguinpaperback Tue 03-Dec-13 23:02:04

I would feel hurt too Katy. flowers

Atqui Wed 04-Dec-13 08:48:17

I think most mothers would be hurt by this, and yes,a little jealous. Is it anything to do with your grandchild ? I wonder how old she is ( the grandchild).

Kate13 Wed 04-Dec-13 09:09:25

Yes I would feel very hurt Katy and would have to find out why this is happening. My niece is like that with my sister. Do you have someone close to both of you who could tactfully find out what is going on and maybe mediate?

Aka Wed 04-Dec-13 09:43:58

Katy it might be that the other invitation was issued and accepted first?

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 09:49:21

Hello all. It's nothing to do with my granddaughter. She is 13 and we get on great. My daughter told me a while ago (before she knew sil was going to be away for Christmas) that his family had suggested a meal out on Christmas Day. She said to me 'I can't think of anything worse' but now says she may go. I am confused.

glammanana Wed 04-Dec-13 09:53:08

Aka I had that thought also and maybe SIL mentioned the fact he was away over xmas to his parents and couldn't refuse their invitation ?

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 10:09:21

Glamma - That's not the case. SIL is working away at present and was supposed to be home this week. The job is not completed so he has only been told this week that he may have to be away for the whole of Christmas.
Thanks for all your thoughts. At this moment I feel like the worse mother ever.

lucyinthesky Wed 04-Dec-13 11:54:48

Hi KatyK no you are not the worst mother ever but we all feel like that sometimes.

I suspect sil's family had already made the invitation (this has happened with my DD and her inlaws too) and whatever she says abut them to you, it is just a 'moan' on her part. My DD also moans about her inlaws and yet you would never know it if you saw her with them.

For the past few years, until DD and SIL bought their house this year, they spent every, yes every, Xmas with his family in Wales, and so I never saw them at Xmas, just made a pre Xmas meal for us all before they left. Last year was the worst - when they took 3 month old DGS with them.

This year is the first for 6 years that we will be together (minus ex husband) but I am realistic to know that this won't be the same every year and in fact will probably encourage them to have Xmas Day as a family on their own if they want in their own home, in the future. If they invite me, that will be great, if not we will all see each other on a date as near as poss.

So i guess what I am saying here is, bite the proverbial bullet and ask your DD which day you CAN all be together instead. At least you have your DH with you on Xmas day, which many of us haven't, so that should be some consolation, no?

btw I always feel I am the one who makes concessions to both DDs! You should read some of the posts on Mumsnet to see what many DD and DiLs feel about us. Most of us seem to be the devil in disguise. Your hair would curl <hmmm>

harrigran Wed 04-Dec-13 12:03:26

I am sorry to sound negative KatyK, if your DD always has Christmas at home why should it be any different this year ? You obviously have a good relationship with your family so enjoy the time you do have with them.
Life is too short to hold grudges and feel jealous of other family members.

Aka Wed 04-Dec-13 12:47:39

Katy are you feeling less hurt today? As Lucy said we nearly all experience these intense emotions from time to time and for similar reasons. It's good to have somewhere like GN to talk them through and find it's not just you.
Good advice to find out when your DD and family CAN visit you over Christmas.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 13:44:12

Thank you all - Harrigran she is not staying at home, she is going out with her in-laws but you are right, jealousy is not attractive. Lucy and Aka thanks
for your words. You can't make people think like you do, I've learned that smile. Just hurtful that the first Christmas her husband is away she chooses to be with his family who totally ruined her wedding day by sulking and not speaking to anyone. She has obviously forgiven them, which is good of her. Thanks again for your sensible words all.

ninny Wed 04-Dec-13 14:14:39

Why don't you invite her for Boxing Day, just say we would love to see you. Worse case scenario she says no. If she says no invite her to come on another day, say you miss her.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 14:27:00

Yes they will be here on Boxing Day, they always come. Now you are probably thinking, what is she moaning about then? But Christmas Day is special and I would have loved to have cooked for them just once. I think I am being unreasonable.

ninny Wed 04-Dec-13 14:31:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would feel the same, but I think you will just have to accept that she is going there and be happy that she is with you on Boxing Day and make the most of it.

KatyK Wed 04-Dec-13 14:43:44

Ninny - yes that's what I have to do. I just can't get my head round the fact that she has chosen to spend the day with her in-laws, who she professes not to like much, when her husband isn't even in the country. Oh well, I need to get over it confused

Aka Wed 04-Dec-13 14:52:15

I think that explains your daughter's choice.....she knew she was going to your house on Boxing Day.

Lona Wed 04-Dec-13 14:57:57

Yes, I agree with Aka, she probably thought "well, I'm at mum's on BD, so I might as well go there on CD."