Reducing contact with Grandmother

Sympathy, veevox. You are wise to get out from under that domineering woman's feet. Wishing you all the best and good luck

veevox your husband and bil or sil (whoever is her other child) should have stepped in and told their mother to back off. I really think there is something very wrong with your mil, that is not normal behaviour. Of course you should not allow someone to treat you with such disrespect in front of your daughter. You are doing the right thing staying at your father's home, until your husband gets it into his head that you are not going to tolerate being treated in this way. Good luck!

Well done. I wish you all the best. Keep strong.

Today has been the most hardest of my life. Bil and sil decided to visit us the whole day mil was taking over with my dd and undermining me. Firpooppof all she told me "Evie doesnt want to go for walk its cold" she talks through my child to get what she wants then she started shouting at me demanding me not to go out barking at me to make bottles and then after I fed my dd her dinner mil started saying she wanted cake I said no she will be Sick mil ignored me and fed her cake anyway dd was sick and diaherra pooed all over my leg. MIL snatched her off me demanded that I cleaned the poop then she started bathing lo when I said no id like to do it mil ignored me and carried on. I actually want to slap her stupid face my oh blames me and says I should be more positive and get on with it so I have officially had enough going to stay at my dads tomorrow for my sanity and good relationship with my daighter. I dont want my daughter to think this controlling hag is her mother..

I agree with this poster. As a first time mum everything is new to you, mistakes will be made and in your current situation they are observed by granny. I think you are coping incredibly well to still be house sharing after these fraught months of firstbabyship. I can still remember the advice I got from grans on both sides when I demand fed or did not potty train their way, and I had 200 miles between us!

Once you are in your own home, and in your own routine, you can discuss with your husband about what would be reasonable contact with his mum. If you two agree on a plan you can then discuss it with granny, get her ideas and come up with a compromise that suits you all. She is an integral part of your extended family and I am sure she has a lot of love and help to give your baby and her daughter in law. Once you can relax in your own home you may find yourself looking forward to seeing granny!

I've been in the same situation, years ago, staying with MIL with a new baby. She constantly interfered, telling me when baby should be on solids, when potty training should start, I could do nothing right. She would pick baby up out of the cot without asking, etc etc.
Get your own place ASAP, no matter how humble, it will be your own and you will be in charge. Then you can welcome MIL for visits when convenient, and hopefully then the tensions will ease. Good luck.
I hope the relationship improves. You never know when you may need her help.

JessM, working strain gun dog, standard poodle, labradoodle, cockapoo, indeed any poodle cross. Guaranteed to keep the handler busy 24/7 for many years. BUT I would worry about the dog, so better to stick with a cat. Much more independent and able to manage an person with 'issues'

I dunno, a high maintenance puppy that hated to be left alone and took months to house train has its appeal in this context. Could I suggest a working-strain gun dog perhaps? They can be demanding little pains in backside. If it was one that got car sick as well, even better.

I have to say that I feel there are some Mother in Laws and Mothers who possibly take too much on themselves and interfere. When you have your first baby you want to bond and have time with YOUR baby and the Grandparents need to be there when they are needed. Why do so many think they know best, yes they have experience but you have to learn for yourself and in this case I think the M in Law is butting in when she shouldn't and I don't think it matters if you are living there or she changed her shift or she has an unhappy marriage, that is not the problem. I do not think this new mum is heading to live her life through her baby, she just wants to bond and enjoy her and I would imagine she doesn't want to go off out just because she is 20yrs old. She is a new mum and personally I would be slightly concerned about her M in Laws attitude to her grandchild. And that is what she has to accept, it isn't her baby and possibly, she needs to get a life of her own instead of trying live other peoples and perhaps her sons need to sit her down and talk to her about this. I think possibly this is a very sad lady who needs help from somewhere.

I doubt if she would want to foster kids! It's her own grandchild she wants to get her hands on. And we all know that feeling.

or a kitten, less demanding than a puppy, but as Mishap says, definitely no to fostering children

puppy sounds a good idea!

Veevox* I have seen Grandmums and MIls wanting to take over care of the new grandchild quite often and as you describe the putting down of the actual mothers caring ability, "she never does things right"! As you say I am sure its some women's probably unconscious last ditch attempt to get back to that lovely feeling of being a mum with a snuggly baby.

As others say keep as calm as you can, keep polite and do allow her limited contact and cuddle time. l hope your housing issues are soon sorted but allow her visiting time and let her baby sit. If she realises she can have this contact she is going to have to be reasonable to keep it.

Please don't suggest she fosters! - it demands subtlety and selflessness and often an ability to support and help natural parents to gain confidence in their parenting. I am afraid you MIL does not sound quite the ticket for this!!!

Veexox I think its lovely the way you try to understand the reasons why your MiL is the way she is.
Many young mothers in your position would completely block their MiL from their lives - and probably from their grandchild's life.
She is lucky to have you as her daughter in law - and don't forget that, whenever or however she puts you down!

Its very sad when a woman reaches an age to have grandchildren and yet cannot 'let go' of their own son! It causes so many problems.

My MiL had two boys, then her other son had a boy, so when I had a girl she was over the moon. She didn't try to take over, though she did have a spell of calling my daughter by the name she would have chosen for her own girl, if she had had one. That did not last long when daughter "grew into" her own name and became her own little personality. A second granddaughter diluted the attention a bit, and then when my son arrived she had two granddaughters and two grandsons, which pleased her.

If you are both strong personalities, you will get on far better when you each have your own kingdoms (queendoms?) Eventually she will accept that you are not taking her son away, but establishing a different relationship with her, and that you both like to see her, but not to live in her pocket.

I only think she's being nasty to me because she thinks I'm taking her son away from her and I got the daughter she never had (MIL had 3 boys and always wanted a girl) OH thinks the cooking and things she's trying to compete for his affection which I don't feel the need because I know my place I'm his wife not his mother!

I'm not going to row with her, I feel sorry for her in her a lot of ways she's a desperately lonely lady who only gets her happiness from looking after family & children. I cannot let her have her happiness of caring for my daughter at the expensive of my own happiness she has raised 3 sons from birth to adulthood so I think she's had her time of caring for a child full time. I think it's hard to implement boundaries while living under her roof, although I'm grateful to her I think some of the things she has done have been totally abhorrent. I think you are right the only thing I can do is move out as quickly as possible then implement my own boundaries where MIL will be expected to call before visits and she won't be at our place for 24/7. I think she should also do something else like get a dog, fostering etc can any of you think of things to suggest? Thank you for taking the time to answer me I just wanted a view of a grandmother as well as my own views as a mother!

OP does not have to have a flaming row. Its possible to put someone in their place calmly without any venom.

The MiL seems to have quite a bit of venom, calling the OP fat and insulting her but of course there is no need to respond likewise.

We could make things worse if we incite the poster to have a flaming row with her MiL. As Jings say, go easy on the venom.

Though far be it from me to deprive latecomers of course.

Think we should keep the venom down a bit though. This is a family.

Perhaps we could just put a tick from now onwards.

I think the consensus of opinion might be that moving out is a good idea.

The MiL is totally out of order! That is not love for her granddaughter at all!
Unfortunately veexox is living in her MiLs house so cannot deal with this the way she could if she had her own place.

Its not OPs fault that her MiL is a lonely woman in an unhappy marriage!
No grandmother should say horrible things to their daughter in law and the OPs husband should not tolerate hi smother being so nasty to the mother of his child.

The only solution is to move out as soon as possible and set boundaries for the MiL whilst trying to reassure her you DO want her involved in your daughter's life.

You cannot pussyfoot around a controlling person - you have to be firm and consistent in letting them know you will not accept their unreasonable behaviour/demands.

Hi veexox rereading your original post I see that you aare planning to move out in a few weeks so much of what has been said was irrelevant, if kindly meant. You have not been back since yesterday afternoon to give us your reaction so I hope that perhaps whichever "final straw" prompted yesterday morning's post has been resolved or has at least receded and you are feeling better about things today. Perhaps you and your OH have been abe to talk to her and clear the air, but whatever, I wish you all well and hope for a happy outcome to the present problems.