Reducing contact with Grandmother

The title you have used for this thread sounds very controlling. I find that worrying.

For goodness sake get somewhere of your own as soon as you can. That situation is never going to work! Once you are away from her fulltime you can spend some time trying to be more tolerant.

She is, of course, totally in love with her granddaughter. She most likely loves her in the same way that you do. That has nothing to do with her unhappy marriage. It is just nature.

It would be cruel, and very unwise, to cut off contact. You can sort out sensible visiting once you are away from her fulltime.

Do think there is anything that could be done to improve communication between you and her? Is it worth a try - to say how you honestly feel - that you appreciate she cares so much but need a bit more space if you are to continue living under her roof? Best tip is to use the words "I feel" and "I would like... " and not accuse her of anything. Leave the baby with your OH and take her out for coffee so that you will be on neutral ground?
It is worth considering *elegran's" words for the benefit of you OH who must be finding it difficult to be stuck between the two of you.
It may work - worth a try - depends on whether she can modify her own behaviour, however much understanding you give her, you can't guarantee she can change. The only thing you can change the way you are communicating and thinking.

Good sense,elegran I am sensing there is a lot of tension and over reaction which is not unconnected with sharing a home with in-laws especially in the early months of parenthood. I hope you get a place of your own very soon but be grateful that you have a willing babysitter and extra pair of hands to call on. Childcare is expensive so don't go throwing the baby granny out with the bathwater!

Wise words Elegran

I'd say both of you could look at life through the eyes of the other, and since you are the one who has asked, I will begin with your side.

You don't let her babysit alone because you want to spend your time with your daughter, so that means you never go out with baby's father alone and enjoy yourself as a 20-year-old should. Are you on your way to living your life through your daughter, as MiL is through her sons?

Let her have her granddaughter to herself for say one evening a week and get out there and have fun. You will be more relaxed about being a parent and she will not be so lonely. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you did not have either the man you love (she sounds out of love with hers) or the children you devoted your life to? And then your son gave you a beautiful granddaughter whose mother resented you loving her?

She took the trouble to change her shift because she thouight it would help you, and give her time with baby, who she wants to have a little bond with too, don't fall out with her over that.

If you give understanding, you will get understanding. Talk to the woman and tell her how much you love your child - add "as you love your sons - as mothers do" but that you see that she loves her too, and that you can help one another - you can get out sometimes and still be young, and she can enjoy having a child to look after again.

And if you can get somewhere to yourselves, do so - but still keep in touch with his mother, and trust your treasure to her on a regular basis - you will be glad of her when never going out anywhere starts to drive you round the bend and you and he are in danger of drifting apart because of it.