how can I motivate a retired husband

It does sound as though he's a bit depressed. Retirement can mean freedom or it can feel like a bereavement. A large chunk of a person's identity vanishes with the career. There must be something he talked about doing before his life as he knew it stopped? If so get details and push! Plan a round the world trip? Fly a glider? Volunteer at a nature reserve? Something he can do independently. Perhaps his brother can help?

Shortbread,

So many of you have given me food for thought. Number I don't think your selfish, I do think that some men get consumed with there own needs perhaps you should gradually stop being so dependable! Not easy when you want a quiet life. On occasions I have taken to writing a note so my OH can read and re read how I feel as when your discussing issues they can just shut down. Grandma 60 I hope you enjoyed your coffee today there is nothing quite like a good coffee and several hours of chat. Good luck in your retirement. I am writing this on a new eye pad bought today - given all the comments made I am hoping that, as previously suggested if leave it lying around or try and involve him in some of the apps a new interest will develop. On a positive note he has agreed for his brother to visit tomorrow. Thank you all Gransnwtters smile

You're not wrong Phoenix

So many men are the same after retirement that it must be a man thing surely?Some take it badly and want to organise everything in sight, and others see it as their right to do nothing forever!Of course, when we women retire there are still the chores to be done. My DH will sometimes cook the meal [he can cook quite well] does the majority of the garden work, puts out bins etc and also will do the food shopping if I want him to [we tend to split it 50/50 as no way am I shopping WITH him.] he loves sport on tv, plays games on the computer, reads the paper, books etc. He never rushes to answer the phone it has to be said, but it's usually for me anyway.That, quite simply, is all he wants to do and is happy with it. He enjoys our holidays and days out together, and if friends come over he can be convivial. He is not [and never has been] a joiner of clubs, so why would he start now?
In short, we are different people and always have been, but that is ok. I meet friends for coffee and go out when I want to, and join clubs myself.So,
unless your DH refuses to go anywhere with you [which is a different matter] realise that he won't magically change his behaviour just because he now has more time.

I think one of Akas earlier posts could be condensed into "grab life by the balls and go for it" but I could be wrong.

Is that how it's done Jen? I'm not sure on the etiquette covering this but I'll be guided by those in the know.

If he's happy, leave him be and enjoy your life the way you want. On our last holiday there was a chap whose wife hated flying and travel so he came on his own and a lady who holiday'd separately from her OH because he wouldn't leave the dog so wouldn't go abroad.

If he's not happy, as my DH wasn't after only three months idling, may I suggest you persuade him take over cooking the dinner? Mr Nfk decided that as I had done the first 30 years of cooking he should do the next 30. After all while your DH was out working hard and paying off the mortgage I sure you did your bit in a supporting role. It also quickly became clear that if he was cooking, he'd also need to do the shopping. Bonus! It got him out, gave him the opportunity to move on and develop a new identity. (Loss of identity is a big one). Life is now full for both of us.

Will you spit into recycled paper tissues?

That's my philosophy anyway. Now just off to my pole dancing knitting group.

I have been married to a very quiet man for 28 years now(our second marriage); and everyone comments how utterly different we are.I am extremely outgoing,and he is pleasant and sociable when people ,(my friends) call on us, but he has spent most of his retirement years sat in the chair.I have had to come to terms with that, and boy, it hasn't been easy!I actually bought myself an I pod, to listen to my favourite music through earphone, when, for some days, I have to spend time in the house, and cant stand the silence.We know that we can not change people, so we have to adapt to survive!Fortunately, he doesn't object to my going out.I remember my mother complaining about my stepdad after he retired about the very same thing.It was worse for her, as he didn't like her going anywhere, except to the shops.

When I Am Old

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!

Jenny Joseph

Mishap I'll remember that next time you say something controversial

Hello Shortbread. Your husband sounds like a nice quite decent person that is happy to live a quite life. I can see no wrong in that. Why can you not get on with the things you wish to do and allow him to be how he wants to be.

You say he has been like it forever, why would he want to change now.

I am a bit like him and so maybe that is why I can see it from his point of view. I am not really one for loads of people in my house or forever being out. I don't enjoy those things and would not be happy.

I appreciate that it can be a bit difficult for you when you want family and friends over and why shouldn't you want that, but hopefully he does not totally restrict that happening.

My advise is be happy doing what makes you happy and just let hubby get on with what makes him happy.

I do really wish you the best

I suppose I just don't feel it is my place to be telling anyone else what they should be doing. We are all different. Those who do not rage against the dying of the light a often much happier. I don't think poor Dylan Thomas is a great example of a peaceful contented man!

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

Mishap I'd say that's a step backwards. But I'm not suggesting total harassment of her OH, only a partial arousal to get encourage him into at least doing something occasionally.

What I would really like is for my DH to help more with the rather large garden, but his heart isn't in it, he starts projects and never finishes them and I have to accept that it is my baby and we will never really share the work it needs. It's very hard to realise and accept that you may have another 20 years together both wanting completely different things. I think a lot of talking and some compromise may be needed, otherwise you are together just for convenience and a roof over your heads, like a house-share rather than a partnership with shared interests.

But it can be a way forward aka - an end to a frustrating battle - a chance for mutual respect. It took me a while to come to this conclusion, but, once there, both our lives have been happier.

I'm thinking of the OP Shortbread and how fed up she is - enough to post about her frustration. I'm not sure telling her that's how he is and you're not entitled to try to change things is any help to her.

Am already encouraging OH to build another one.

menssheds.org.uk/index.php/our-charities

Joking aside, after the problems my aunt had when my uncle retired I started advising OH to have hobbies when he was only in his mid 30s. As a result, although he still has many years before retirement, he belongs to a couple of choirs and does solos for many more, is our regions long-jumper and triple-jumper, builds model railways and hauls me away on trips because of it, and is the butterfly enumerator for a couple of areas locally. Sometimes I feel like complaining because he is so busy, but I know it will be our salvation when he does eventually retire. He is also studying for yet another maths qualification. Maybe you need to wrack your brains and try to remember what he enjoyed doing when he was young, maybe he has forgotten. Then surprise him with a gift that relates to that activity.

Thanks, Tegan. I am going to Waterstones this afternoon with my grandchildren as we all have vouchers, and I will buy Letters to my Grandchildren with mine.

I agree with Mishap, Unless you have worked together in the same job you have lead different lives whilst earning a living. The time spent together has been different from the time spent at work. Why should anyone change just because their idea of retirement doesn't fit in with their OHs?

DH and I worked together for many years so retirement is just an extension of that relationship. I have friends who are critical of the amount of time their OHs spend pursuing hobbies like golf but that is what they intended to do all along. They didn't just wake up on the first day of retirement and buy a set of golf clubs.

The best thing to do is rely on their strengths even if they don't seem to be in abundance at the start. There's a lot my DH can still do even though he's registered blind and boy, do I make the most of it.

Good advice Mishap. We're years off official retirement but OH has begun talking about the future, perhaps reducing his hours in the run up etc. already. I understand why, his siblings barely made retirement before dying and he obviously sees no point in rushing to the finishing line! But my idea of our future and his idea are at odds and it's really worries me. Having read these posts (and elsewhere) I think your approach might have to be mine... OH has never been an active chap so I have no expectation of him turning into Bear Grylls or a DIY maniac (although I can but dream...) so I'll have to accept he has the right to retire in his own way...

But it is his choice - I do not feel any obligation to try and change my OH and make him the same as me.

I have tried chivvying him up and trying to get him to do things until I started to ask myself why I was doing it. He has the right to be himself and live his life as he wishes, as long as he is harming no-one. He is honest and faithful and I do not think it is up to me to try and make him someone else.
He affords me the same courtesy, and, although I know that sometimes he wishes I were there and not out, he never interferes or tries to stop me. If he did, I would probably feel as irritated as these poor stop-at-home husbands do when their wives are trying to get them to take up a hobby or be the life and soul of the party!

The proviso I would add is that if you think your husband might truly be suffering from depression then this puts a different light on the matter and he needs help.